Dealing with a difficult baby or PPD

I have two different babies (obviously). My daughter is pretty easy, she can play independently for very long stretches. I can walk by or stop in and play with her and then leave again and she won't care. She's my good sleeper - doesn't wake much at night so when she does I know something is wrong and I need to go get her. She naps good, goes down easily and sleeps long (if they're cut short, it's usually because of my son waking her). And she's a great eater, not picky at all. So far I haven't had to deal with the separation anxiety issues with her and I haven't had to use CIO with her either. She's even starting to understand and listen when we tell her "No".

My son on the other hand is more of a challenge. I feel bad even saying this because he is still so sweet and adorable and plays so good with his sister. But he is definitely more needy and I find myself losing my patience daily, and it's always because of him. He's the bad sleeper, short napper, he's going through a phase now where he immediately wakes up screaming and stands up in his crib bouncing up and down (like a tantrum). We used to go in and pick him up at first, because it just started happening out of the blue again, but now I see it's this nasty phase. So we've let him CIO and now he doesn't do it as often during the night, and when he does it's 5 minutes or so. Then he started waking up this way every morning (used to wake up happy and stay playing in his crib), so i started ignoring that too and he's stopped for the most part. But now he's doing it for naps too. Even when he's slept long enough. Then I'm torn whether or not to get him because I know his nap is done, but I don't want to give in and teach him this behavior is working. But if I wait it out 5-10 minutes he does not stop, so for naps I always go and get him. NOW he's starting to pull this when putting him down for a nap. So I'm trying to stick to my guns with CIO. It worked so far today. But it's frustrating with this on top of the whining during the day. Crawling after me, pulling on my legs and whining. I pick him up and play put him down and try to sneak away and the whining turns into screaming and crying. This goes on all day and I get to the point I don't even want to go back and play because I'm so mad at him. I even yell to just stop it already! Of course it doesn't work, and what an awful mother am I? As far as understanding the word No, I don't think he gets it yet. Nor should I expect him to. But my patience is worn so thin at this point I get so fed up of constantly redirecting and having him immediately return to what he was doing over and over, I get even more fed up with him. More and more I find myself not handling these "stressful" situations the right way. And at the time I get so mad I don't even care. Then I get a little break and the guilt sets in and I go over in my head everything that went wrong that day and how I can avoid those situations the next day or I try to come up with ways to not let it bother me. But it doesn't usually work.

Does anyone else have feelings like this? How do you know this is just normal, patience being worn thin by two crazy mobile babies, or that there is something deeper going on here?

 

:hug: Unfortunately it sounds pretty normal to me. One baby is tough, two babies are challenging. My boys are alot more challenging than my older DD. I think its because there are 2 of them and also because they are boys. They are just wired differently, IMO. But, with that being said, I was yelling all the time and stressed out to the max and even a bit depressed. So I talked to my OB and started on some meds. Made me a much better mom and wife. When in doubt, call your OB. Hang in there.

 

You're dealing with two babies at the same time and it's trying. It sounds perfectly normal to me but I also think it's worth chatting with your ob about it and see what their opinion is. You are NOT a bad mom in any sense! You are human and doing the very best you can

 

I think it sounds a bit like PPD. But what do I know, I just have it!

 

It might be a bit of both IMO. Sounds like you have a very High Needs baby. My 1st DS was like that. I can remember shutting myself in the bathroom and listening to him pound on the door at 18 months thinking I needed a break for both of our safety. Course I also had PPD at the time. But I'm never sure which came first, know what I mean?? Now my DS is 9 years old and he's a fantastic kid. All that intensity got funneled into creativity, drive, thirst for learning etc. But it wasn't easy. I really liked the book "Your Spirited Child" and "Parenting the Strong Willed Child"

Good luck!

 

Do you get breaks from the babies? Do you get good sleep at night? Are you happy (would describe yourself as happy at this point in your life)?

I think it sounds like PPD but it could also be that you are overworked, everyone needs a break every now and again, especially with a difficult baby :hug: I felt very much the same way, and would often wait until the breaking point when I would just bust into a ball of tears to dh or my mom about how I couldn't handle it and needed a break, but I also would not have described myself as happy at that point either.

 

I don't have answers, but here are some questions to think about.

Do you feel like YOURSELF (the way you'd expect to feel in a really challenging, stressful situation), or does something feel "off" beyond all the challenges?

When you get a break from the babies, are you able to enjoy it? Can you imagine enjoying things, even if you don't have the time for them at the moment? When you get a break, does it recharge your batteries at least a little, or are you still as drained as ever?

You mention feeling/acting really angry. Is that how you'd typically react under a lot of stress (without babies in the picture - like if you were having a lot of problems with your DH)? Or do you find yourself surprised that you're acting this way?

About beating yourself up/going over every little thing over and over - again, are you always like that, or is this new or markedly exaggerated? I've never seen a good mom who doesn't doubt herself and want to be perfect for her kids. But if it's extreme like you're talking about (it sounds like the soundtrack in your head is loud and won't stop), that could be depression.

If you think you might be depressed, it's worth talking to a doctor about. You don't have to suffer extra - the challenges of baby twins are more than enough already!

 

QUOTE(fuchsiagroan @ Jan 22 2009, 10:25 PM) [snapback]1158385[/snapback]
I don't have answers, but here are some questions to think about.

Do you feel like YOURSELF (the way you'd expect to feel in a really challenging, stressful situation), or does something feel "off" beyond all the challenges?

When you get a break from the babies, are you able to enjoy it? Can you imagine enjoying things, even if you don't have the time for them at the moment? When you get a break, does it recharge your batteries at least a little, or are you still as drained as ever?

You mention feeling/acting really angry. Is that how you'd typically react under a lot of stress (without babies in the picture - like if you were having a lot of problems with your DH)? Or do you find yourself surprised that you're acting this way?

About beating yourself up/going over every little thing over and over - again, are you always like that, or is this new or markedly exaggerated? I've never seen a good mom who doesn't doubt herself and want to be perfect for her kids. But if it's extreme like you're talking about (it sounds like the soundtrack in your head is loud and won't stop), that could be depression.

If you think you might be depressed, it's worth talking to a doctor about. You don't have to suffer extra - the challenges of baby twins are more than enough already!


I guess I have good days and bad days. Good days, I am happy, babies are happy, everything goes smoothly, and I feel like a great mom. But it feels like a lot of days are good only when I really force myself to get dressed in the morning and get ready for the day (we never go anywhere, so I really don't need to) but I feel much better about myself in a pair of jeans and a little bit of makeup vs looking like I just rolled out of bed all day. But like I said, I really have to force myself to do this. I also know if I really make myself accomplish stuff during the day, extra cleaning, making a nice dinner, etc, I feel much better about myself. But getting myself to do it is a struggle, even though I know I'll feel better once I'm doing it. But then when the babies don't cooperate and let me do anything else, I'm like why bother. I really feel like my sole purpose is to take care of them, I really don't have much independence anymore. It was a big adjustment going from the corporate world to being a SAHM. But since this is my job now, I shouldn't complain or get upset when they get hard. I should just handle it, and handle it well.

As far as your questions, I guess I do feel a little off. But I feel like it's still "mommy brain" or something, like you feel when you're pregnant, or I wonder if it's because I haven't worked in almost a year now so I'm not using my brain in the same way. But I feel kind of foggy in a way. I tried to explain to my husband the other day that even when he's here with them alone for a few hours here and there, he's still thinking about the next thing he has to do - the next book he has to read for his class he's taking, the grading he has to get done for school, etc. Even if he doesn't want to be doing them, there is something else there that still defines him. So I asked if he could imagine having nothing like that to think about. This is it, and yet you sometimes feel like you aren't doing a good job with it - when it's really all you have and your only job. Man, typing this, I guess I sure do seem depressed? Just wasn't sure if it was the adjustment to staying at home, or normal feelings for taking care of two babies, or just the winter blues being trapped inside all the time.

I don't get many true breaks. My breaks would be running to the store when my husband gets home. But most of the time I'm thinking about them, rushing to get home before bedtime. Not because my husband can't handle it, but because I want to be able to say good night to them. And we never really go out ourselves. I have trouble letting go and giving up control to other people. I figure it will be the night one will wake up crying or what if they are upset going to bed without mommy or daddy around? So we've been out twice, I think since the babies were born. When things come up, I get excited for the opportunity to do something. But when the day actually gets here, I'd rather just stay home instead of worrying what's going on at home while I'm gone.

As far as acting angry, no that is not normal and a little scary for me. And as far as going over everything in my head, I've unfortunately always been that way about things. But now, this is so much bigger than worrying about what you may have done wrong at a job. It's taking care of and developing two little people, and it's a lot of pressure. So I think about the things I should have handled better, and worry will they remember or will this negatively impact them later on?

Wow, reading this I do sound like a head case. I should probably put a call in to my OB, just to see what he thinks. I hate to even bring this up, I still haven't talked about the potential of PPD with my husband, because it makes me feel like such a failure. So calling my OB is a huge step that I feel weird about, even posting on here I struggled with. But your questions did help me to sort some things through. And if there is something that can make me feel more like my old self, it was worth it.

 

QUOTE(excitedk @ Jan 22 2009, 10:16 PM) [snapback]1158370[/snapback]
Do you get breaks from the babies? Do you get good sleep at night? Are you happy (would describe yourself as happy at this point in your life)?

I think it sounds like PPD but it could also be that you are overworked, everyone needs a break every now and again, especially with a difficult baby :hug: I felt very much the same way, and would often wait until the breaking point when I would just bust into a ball of tears to dh or my mom about how I couldn't handle it and needed a break, but I also would not have described myself as happy at that point either.



I don't get too many breaks. My husband is always willing, when he can. But it's just easier when he's home, things go smoother, the tantrums aren't there because there are two of us to stop it before it starts. And even when I try to sneak away to do something else, I find myself venturing back in to play with them. Like it's my own fault I can't break away.

Sleep good? No, I've always had sleep issues. I've always had trouble turning off that anxiety switch. I probably get a good stretch of 5-6 hours though. I'm not sure how to answer if I'm happy or not. I definitely feel like these babies are the best thing that ever happened to me. But I do feel a little lost at times. But I'm usually happy when my husband is home and we're together as a family on the weekends. It's the long weeks that usually do me in - especially Thursdays when my husband leaves at 6 am and doesn't get home until the babies are in bed. So it's my frazzled day, and usually the day you'll see negative posts from me!

 

QUOTE(2B2G @ Jan 22 2009, 10:08 PM) [snapback]1158363[/snapback]
It might be a bit of both IMO. Sounds like you have a very High Needs baby. My 1st DS was like that. I can remember shutting myself in the bathroom and listening to him pound on the door at 18 months thinking I needed a break for both of our safety. Course I also had PPD at the time. But I'm never sure which came first, know what I mean?? Now my DS is 9 years old and he's a fantastic kid. All that intensity got funneled into creativity, drive, thirst for learning etc. But it wasn't easy. I really liked the book "Your Spirited Child" and "Parenting the Strong Willed Child"

Good luck!


Thanks for posting this. It does help to see others have been through it and everything turned out great. I will definitely look into those books, it might be just what I need right now.

 

QUOTE(DATJMom @ Jan 22 2009, 04:15 PM) [snapback]1157856[/snapback]
:hug: Unfortunately it sounds pretty normal to me. One baby is tough, two babies are challenging. My boys are alot more challenging than my older DD. I think its because there are 2 of them and also because they are boys. They are just wired differently, IMO. But, with that being said, I was yelling all the time and stressed out to the max and even a bit depressed. So I talked to my OB and started on some meds. Made me a much better mom and wife. When in doubt, call your OB. Hang in there.


This sounds like me, and makes me feel better that I'm not the only one and medication did help. I do think I'll take the step tomorrow to call.

 

The first thing I would do is discuss it with your dh, you may be amazed how much better that makes you feel. When I had PPD I was very much in denial and only finally told dh about it when I realized the "bad" feeling wasn't going away, for me I didn't do this until 15 months!!!! I felt like he would brush it off, that he may think I really am crazy, that he would overreact to the discussion, but in reality he was amazingly supportive and was just the boost I needed to work towards getting better.
While meds can definitly help, there are other things you can do too. You make to get back into making time for YOU, to think about YOU, things YOU want to do. Try and get out of the house, attend playgroups, talk with other moms. Let others help you, it will be hard at first but you will get used to it. Get out as a couple more often, even if for just a couple hours.