Deal with this mother's helper or dump her?

We decided to hire a mother's helper because I take care of my disabled brother and taking care of him plus my twin girls by myself was getting to be a bit much. We went on a website for nannies and found an 18 year old girl who was willing to work for what we thought was a low price. Since she is with me all day and I don't leave her alone with them, I call her a mother's helper instead of a nanny.
The good: she is an extra set of hands so that when the babies are fussy, or when it's feeding time, there are 2 of us. For me not to be stressed out with 2 fussy babies and the time it saves me with feeding, is worth it right there. When the babies are quiet, it gives me the chance to get stuff done around the house but not leave them alone.
The bad: I think I might just not like her as a person. She texts on her phone all day. She tells me stupid stories that I could care less about, including ones about how she hung out with a heroin addict and how she likes to play drunk laser tag. She might just be telling me this because she sees me as a young mom and that I might be "cool" with it, but I don't humor her at all when she tells me these things, but yet she keeps doing it. I wish she would see me more as her "boss" and have a little more respect. She doesn't play with my girls enough either. She just kind of sits on the couch and watches tv and makes dumb noises at them all day long.
I guess I could be a little more vocal about what I want her to do and not do, but I honestly think that she is just a lazy 18 year old and it would go in one ear and out the other.
I guess she is easy to get along with and comfortable to be around and I really don't want to go through the whole thing of trying to find someone else and going through the whole awkward beginning stage again.
But I don't know if I could deal with this until Feb (when we said we probably wouldn't need her anymore).
So bottom line is I like having her around because she does make my life easier, but she is starting to annoy me and I don't know if that still makes it worth it!
This could be something I just need to figure out on my own, but if you guys have any similar experiences, or any advice, feel free to let me know!

 

Congrats on your girls, love the name Evie!

I think a Mother's Helper is a necessity in your situation, that said, if she isn't the right person, I'm sure you can find someone else, especially in this economy. Ultimately it's up to you and what are you comfortable with, but the time may come when you need to leave one or both babies with the helper and you need to be comfortable in doing that.

Good luck!

 

It sounds as if you like having SOMEONE just not HER. If that's the case, I'd go on Craigslist or a nanny search website and see if you can find someone else you like better. Once you find someone, ask them to start in two weeks. Then give her two weeks notice. Sounds like she's better than nothing, so don't put yourself in the situation of not having anyone. But I agree with the PP, you should be able to find someone that isn't annoying and does more than watch TV all day long while you're paying!

 

I would say definately voice your options. Don't tell her you think she is annoying, but do set clear expectations of what you want her to do. Tell her you would like her to play more with the babies, and when they are sleeping give her things to do like laundry or dishes. Tell her texting is not okay with you during the day, and you would like to keep the TV off. If she has any problems with that then by all means let her go, but maybe she will surprise you and be even more helpful after your chat.

 

Hi. I didn't read any responses so this may have already been said.

For a Mother's Helper, I think the person needs to be younger.. like 13 or 14. That is the age they are more likely to take the "job" more seriously and actually be interested in the babies. At 18, I'm pretty sure she's hung over and just wasting time til the next paycheck and trip to the bar. I know I would have been. LOL.

So.. my advice, find a younger one and ditch this one. Eighteen is a tough age to have be around you all day. She's not quite ready to be a Nanny but she's too old to be a good Mother's Helper, IMO.

I would not want to be hearing stupid stories all day long, I go insane in that situation.

Plus, it doesn't sound like she's doing a good job anyway.

Whatever you decide, I'm sure it will all work out fine.

 

You can't really hire a 13 or 14 year old during the school year. I agree that I would sit her down and say that things aren't working for you as they are right now. Tell her politley that you'd like to keep your realtionship "professional" and that personal stories are inappropriate and I'd make out a daily schedule. If your brother is w/c bound, get her take him around the block a couple of times for a walk (I'm not rying to be insulting, I just don't know his disability level). Be really, really specific about what her duties are, like a pp said. I think that will help alot. If not, I'd get back to the palce you hired her thru and complain and ask them to send someone else. Best of luck-I think it sounds like you're doing an amazing job!

 

You can most certainly hire a Mother's Helper after school. Many many many women do it. In fact, I was one for 5 years and I was in school. A Mother's Helper is usually under 18 so would be in school.

Good luck. The problem is, that usually once you confront a person, the relationship is off and it's just worse. It could certainly go the other way tho but if you just don't like her 'as a person', that isn't going to change by confronting her.

 

I think if you tell her that her stories get on your nerves it is only going to make the relationship b/w the two of you more awkward. I would look for someone else, I don't think I could spend every day with someone who annoys me.

 

Personally i would go and find someone else. She is 18 and will be the way she is even if you tell her.. IMO.

Im a young mom too.. (i was not so innocent) But for her to tell you about getting drunk and hanging out with an addict doesnt make her seem so responcable. Imagine if one day you do need to leave the house.. DO you really want her to be alone with the babies? You are not supposed to be a friend you are a boss.

 

I think you should definitely be happy with the person you are PAYING to help you with your children. You have every right to be picky. It should be professional, unless you decide to make it more laid back. (not b/c she is immature and doesnt know the difference)
These are the questions that came to mind when I was reading your post:

How long have you been using her services?

If a baby cries or its a scheduled time for nap/feeding, does she wait for you to tell her what to do, or does she get right up to help?

Do you still feel that you wont need any assistance by February?

If you've been using her for a while, (several months) it might seem odd to her that you've never expressed your discomfort with her discussion topics/texting/lounging before. So, you might need to just get rid of her rather than trying to get her to change her behavior.. possibly by lying..if you dont want her to be too offended. You could tell her you are going to be getting help from family that is going to be free, or just that you are no longer in need of services.

 

Before dumping her, I would try to be straightforward with your expectations. I'm kind of shy about telling a person what I want, but I know that if I were in her shoes, I would want to know what I was doing wrong, what I could do better. Like on-the-job training in most other kinds of jobs. It may be her own inexperience, and she may be looking for some more input from you. Maybe you could draft a set of expectations up together, make her feel part of the process?

I don't know. That's a hard one. :hug:

 

I agree with some of you - I am afraid if I confront her, things will either be awkward or she just won't listen. I like the idea of making a list, but then I'd be worried about her saying "hmmm, what is this, am I not doing a good job or something?" and then I would just have to confront anyway. I guess I could say something like, "No, you are doing ok, but I think we need more structure because the babies are getting older and need more activities."
My brother is wheelchair bound, but we told her in advance that her responsibilites would be the babies only, not him. She probably wouldn't mind taking him for a walk though, I think I would just feel funny asking her!
And we can't hire a 14 year old, because we need someone from 9-5. So I don't really need someone during after school hours. Even though she doesn't get there until 9:30 and most of the time we let her go home early. But we told her that she needs to plan on being here from those hours and we pay her a flat daily rate, whether she works all 8 hours, or just 6.

I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I can deal with her just until Feb, but then there are days like today, where, right now she is on her Ipod Touch perusing the internet. Like, I know I am on the computer now too, but I don't pay her to be on the computer, you know?!

 

QUOTE(2plusbgtwins @ Oct 21 2008, 02:51 PM) [snapback]1035513[/snapback]
I think you should definitely be happy with the person you are PAYING to help you with your children. You have every right to be picky. It should be professional, unless you decide to make it more laid back. (not b/c she is immature and doesnt know the difference)
These are the questions that came to mind when I was reading your post:

How long have you been using her services?

If a baby cries or its a scheduled time for nap/feeding, does she wait for you to tell her what to do, or does she get right up to help?

Do you still feel that you wont need any assistance by February?

If you've been using her for a while, (several months) it might seem odd to her that you've never expressed your discomfort with her discussion topics/texting/lounging before. So, you might need to just get rid of her rather than trying to get her to change her behavior.. possibly by lying..if you dont want her to be too offended. You could tell her you are going to be getting help from family that is going to be free, or just that you are no longer in need of services.



To answer these questions:
We've had her since the beginning of Sept, so for like 2 months.

If a baby cries, she gets right up to hold her and calm her. When it's feeding time, she sets up the high chairs and gets the bibs/wipes ready and everything. She washes bottles if I ask her too and she folds all the babies laundry. WHICH, is why I do like her! But I feel like I can just get someone else to do that too, but someone I may like better and who is not as lazy all day long, except when she does those few things.

I really don't know if I will still need assistance in Feb. We just told her that in the beginning so that in case we didn't like having help, we would have an easy out. I think that since the babies will be older, they will be less needy and be able to listen and I can reason with them: "Girls, can you wait one minute while I help uncle go to the bathroom?" etc... but people tell me I am crazy and that I will need MORE help when they start walking, getting into things, etc... But for some reason I am believing that my kids will be calm and actually listen to me.
But who knows, really. I figured I would get rid of her in Feb, and if it gets too much again, then maybe I can hire someone else.

 

QUOTE(20Fingers20Toes @ Oct 21 2008, 12:03 PM) [snapback]1035531[/snapback]
I really don't know if I will still need assistance in Feb. We just told her that in the beginning so that in case we didn't like having help, we would have an easy out. I think that since the babies will be older, they will be less needy and be able to listen and I can reason with them: "Girls, can you wait one minute while I help uncle go to the bathroom?" etc... but people tell me I am crazy and that I will need MORE help when they start walking, getting into things, etc... But for some reason I am believing that my kids will be calm and actually listen to me.
But who knows, really. I figured I would get rid of her in Feb, and if it gets too much again, then maybe I can hire someone else.



Take a trip over to the 1-4 board, you will need help

And, I don't know the extent of your brother's disability, but around 5-6 months old, we started taking the kids to the park everyday (well the nanny) and now they love the park. If you aren't able to do that, I think you will want a caregiver who can do that (or other activities with the kids).

My kids are almost 2 and they are just starting to understand the concept of time - maybe not in a literal sense, but in a "i'll be right back sense." So they are calmer, but there were times I couldn't even leave the room w/out them weeping.

So I would presume you will continue to need some form of assistance. But as someone told me, with kids, the plan changes every 4-6 months, it has to, your needs change as do the kids.

 

QUOTE(ivfbound078 @ Oct 21 2008, 07:27 PM) [snapback]1035466[/snapback]
You can most certainly hire a Mother's Helper after school. Many many many women do it. In fact, I was one for 5 years and I was in school. A Mother's Helper is usually under 18 so would be in school.

Good luck. The problem is, that usually once you confront a person, the relationship is off and it's just worse. It could certainly go the other way tho but if you just don't like her 'as a person', that isn't going to change by confronting her.


I said that because 20fingers mentioned that she needed someone with her all day. I wasn't disputing the fact that a younger teenager could do it after school and on breaks, but I was stating that a younger teenager couldn't do it all day during the week.

 

QUOTE(Gen&ThadsMom @ Oct 21 2008, 01:25 PM) [snapback]1035357[/snapback]
I would say definately voice your options. Don't tell her you think she is annoying, but do set clear expectations of what you want her to do. Tell her you would like her to play more with the babies, and when they are sleeping give her things to do like laundry or dishes. Tell her texting is not okay with you during the day, and you would like to keep the TV off. If she has any problems with that then by all means let her go, but maybe she will surprise you and be even more helpful after your chat.


I like this approach. Maybe she will really repspect a no-nonscense direction. She probably is needing direction. Make a list of things that you expect her to do while the babies are napping or not needing her attention. Keep her busy. I had a helper this summer and added things like: clean out my van (trasht that accumulates on outtings with the babies),check and restock the diaper bag, laundry, empty diaper pail trash, etc... etc.. you know the list goes on.... I even had my helper start doing some simple cooking in the kitchen.

ALso, you better get used to standing up for yourself and your kids. You need to be direct and clear about what you expect in your own home. I had this very issue this summer and this is what my husband and I spoke about. We are pushoevers and usually let people get away with things. But, we decided that it is not just us anymore and we cant let people take advantage anymore.

About the drunk games and hanging out with a heroine person... maybe she is calling out for some help.. Maybe that is something you dont need anything to do with at this time. That is a whole other issue. Teenagers are funny about how they cry out and try to get messages across.

 

QUOTE(julesbabies @ Oct 21 2008, 07:44 PM) [snapback]1035965[/snapback]
I like this approach. Maybe she will really repspect a no-nonscense direction. She probably is needing direction. Make a list of things that you expect her to do while the babies are napping or not needing her attention. Keep her busy. I had a helper this summer and added things like: clean out my van (trasht that accumulates on outtings with the babies),check and restock the diaper bag, laundry, empty diaper pail trash, etc... etc.. you know the list goes on.... I even had my helper start doing some simple cooking in the kitchen.

ALso, you better get used to standing up for yourself and your kids. You need to be direct and clear about what you expect in your own home. I had this very issue this summer and this is what my husband and I spoke about. We are pushoevers and usually let people get away with things. But, we decided that it is not just us anymore and we cant let people take advantage anymore.

About the drunk games and hanging out with a heroine person... maybe she is calling out for some help.. Maybe that is something you dont need anything to do with at this time. That is a whole other issue. Teenagers are funny about how they cry out and try to get messages across.


I totally agree with this. Plus, you need to be happy with the person who you are paying to do a job for you. If talking to her does not cut it, then I am sure that you can find someone else. Good luck!

 

Ok, I can totally relate to you - I hired a 20yr old female to help me out for a few months when the babies were between 3-5months, just before I moved overseas.
I did have to put up with some 20yr old stories, which drove me a bit insane, but I could tolerate those in the end because I needed the help. OTOH - my helper did not tell me drug related stories, mostly it was about her boyfriend troubles or girlfriend troubles - which altho annoying I tolerated because she was generally a good person.
I am not the best at confronting people and asking for what I want, so I take a backdoor approach to get things changed.

She DID text all the time in the beginning, I made a few comments to her on the side about how she seemed to be addicted to texting during the day - and that did the trick, she did get the message and curbed her texting immediately. She sounds though like she was a bit more mature then your helper, but maybe this approach could work for you. If she didn't stop texting though, I think I may have just mentioned to her that it was ok for her to text at lunch, but not when she was with the babies.

In regards to interacting with the babies, I also found she didn't do much with them so this is what I did. I told her that I wanted to start interacting and playing with the babies more so I told her that I went on the internet and got a bunch of ideas for US to do with the babies, and I made a list and left it in the living room. Then I went through the games and songs together with her and the babies. I also bought a poster of nursery rhymes and put it on the wall, and would take the babies over to it and recite nursery rhymes, just in case she didn't know them off hand. This really helped, and I think it was because I took the approach that WE were going to do some things different, so it wasn't focused on her as much as WE.

I might also consider making a list of things for her to do when the babies are down for naps etc, laundry, prepping supper, tidy up etc. You can tell her that you need to start making lists to help YOU make sure everything gets done - blame it on your hubby or something, say he was a little upset with you the other day for not getting some things done. and so you want to make sure you get everything on the list done everyday.
I am a master at getting my point across without actually saying what I want - and it usually works, you just have to be creative. I wish I was more direct though, as that would probably just be easier!

Good luck. If nothing works, then just determine whether the help outweights the downside, if it does then keep her, if it doesn't then definintely find someone else!

 

We had an aupair/mothers help during our 3 month summer stay in Canada. She was 19 and just not right for the job. She didn't know how to intereact properly with the babies - just sat there watching them. We didn't feel comfortable with her and she just wasn't up for the job. She went home. The next one was brilliant - 21 - and just amazing. She was a natural. I would advise to let her go and get someone who is more natural and mature. She had lots of experience too. I found her on Great Aupair website. You have to be happy with the person who is caring for your babes.

 

I may be the minority opinion here, but I honestly think you get what you pay for.

I have a babysitter who helps me out with the kids one day per week, and I grouse about her in similar ways (mostly that she's constantly texting and doesn't seem to really "play" with the babies). That being said, the kids like her, are absolutely safe with her, and I know she's responsible...I couldn't afford to pay more than a certain amount for a sitter, so I may not be over the moon about her, but she's certainly tolerable.

If you can find someone better for the amount you're paying, then certainly do it. But, if it's just going to be a different set of issues for the same expenditure...a bird in hand is worth 2 in the bush?

 

I have a lady who comes and helps me every afternoon for 5 hours Mon-Fri, and 2 mornings a week for 2.5 hours. When the babies are sleeping, she cleans for me. She is 35 years old though and we stated that we wanted someone to primarily look after the twins and to clean when she could (she used to clean our flat when I was pregnant).

Maybe you could ask her to do some ironing or cleaning/tidying up for you/the babies when they are sleeping? It seems unfair that you are paying her to text and watch TV. I agree with the pp that you should maybe sit down and outline your expectations. I also agree that her stories aren´t inspiring! You need to feel comfortable with who you have at home as you may need to leave her alone with the babies one day. Also, as her employer, you are entitled to do what you want when at home as thats the whole reason for having help at home. I regularly go online while my homehelp looks after the babies. I hope she becomes less annoying for you!

 

I too think you need to tell her what you expect.

Not to play devil's advocate here but; if I were 18, and I was hired to "take care of babies", in my not fully mature mind, somehow I might find it ok to text, surf the web etc while they were sleeping so long as I took care of all their needs while they were awake. (Which it seems she does.) That's just what young people do these days. I would be more annoyed if she were on the phone as opposed to texting, personally, but that's just me.

On the other hand, you DO need to tell her what you expect from her. She is not going to read your mind on that part. After all she IS 18. How many of us were truly mature enough to figure out a boss, let alone twins at 18? LOL

On the third hand, it doesn't seem that you like her as a person. That is not likely to change. If it were a vote; I'd say start looking for someone else because it is not fair for either of you to sit there and wonder what the other is thinking. You can pretty much guarantee that she feels just as uncomfortable as you do. I'm sure she picks up on things you say or posturing that tells her you are not at ease with her. If you are not at ease, your babies probably aren't either.

Finally, they are YOUR babies! You have to find someone you are completely comfortable having to care for them. I would also ask myself if the problem really is with her or with me. Have I laid out the rules? Am I annoyed because I am hormonal? Are the stories she tells me her way of trying to make chit chat, albeit inappropriate? Could I leave my babies alone with this person? Do I respect her? Do I feel she respects me, our home and/or our children?

Perhaps you are looking for someone who is a bit more mature or more like you. You may have to step up your pay scale to find someone more to your liking. I looked on Craigslist. Granted, I think I am probably in a minority here but, I found a WONDERFUL woman who watches my twins during the day. She watches them at her home, but I am just gaga for this lady! My babies are always happy, clean and fed when I pick them up. I am welcomed to come get them or check on them any time of the day without calling first. She is VERY reasonable too. I'm not confronted with her picadillos or perculiarities. I don't have to listen to her stories and it really doesn't matter if our personalities match because we don't interact outside of our professional relationship. This may or may not be a situation that you could take advantage of but maybe it's worth looking into.

No matter what you do, I sincerely hope that you get it worked out. You probably should not just let it slide until February because things may deteriorate before then if you don't speak up. If you think she does a good job, you may have to look past her weirdness. If not, definitely, by all means, get someone else... And pronto! These are your babies we are talking about here!

Big hugs to you. It's tough to entrust our greatest gifts to someone else. It's so awesome that you are looking at things objectively instead of just blowing up.