Daycare and separating 16 month olds

Our identical twin boys have been in daycare since they were 9 months old. The director stopped me yesterday and said that they will be splitting them up at the next class move (usually around 18 months) I was so upset, I could not believe what I was hearing. The daycares normal policy is to separate around 3-4 yrs old depending on the twins and class room availability. I was basically told that my two boys were a handful and the teacher in the next class could not handle both of them together. Jacob (A) has always been the dominate/aggressive one, Joshua (B) has always been the timid/quiet one. Jacob has been getting into trouble at school, throwing toys and laughing when he is put into timeout. At 16 months, I dont believe he fully understands the consequences. When they are at home and start to get a little rough, I am able to calm them down fairly easily, using a calm but firm voice. I dont know what to do, Jacob needs to learn that it is not okay to throw toys and hit the other children, but I have to rely on the daycare to correct the behavior when I am not there. I also have a 4 yr old, he did not start daycare until he was 2, so I dont have any experience in trying to correct the behavior side of this question. Last night Joshua started throwing a fit, Jacob went up to him, sat down next to him and held his hand. Joshua immediately calmed down. I honestly feel that they are each "others person". I know singleton moms wouldnt understand this. They have such a tight bond, that is indescribable.

Please send any advice you have, both for the separating of the boys and behavior issues.

Thanks in advance, sarah

 

My girls have never been separate in daycare. This sounds like a teacher problem more than a child problem. The girls have a teacher like this in the afternoon. She refuses to be stern with them and wants to be their friend. When you have 12 kids in a class you have to be the boss first friend second

 

I would be livid if it were me! Are there other daycares in your area comparable in price that you can check with? We had a problem with our daycare a few months ago as well and I was so mad I pulled our boys out of that daycare. But I realize not everybody has that option. GL with everything!

 

wow - i would be so annoyed at being told my children would be seperated, rather than having the issue explained to me & having the daycare work with me on finding a solution. seperation would not be an option at that age for me.

i agree that this sounds like more of a teacher problem than a problem with your boys. if you can introduce me to a toddler that has never thrown a toy, i'll eat my sweater. and i agree that at 16 months, time outs aren't the world's most effective discipline. prevention & redirection are better bets.

unless the daycare is open to working WITH you rather than making unilateral decisions about your childrens care, i would look into going to another daycare.

 

How they approached you does not sound like the best ever. I think that could have been handled a lot better. I would not have been happy with being approached in that manner. Although I know approaching parents with something they may not want to hear is never easy (my parents are teachers) so sometimes even the using the gentlest way doesn’t make the parent feel any better about it.

But on the separation concern I can share our experience. Keep in mind please that all kids are different so what worked for my boys might not be the solution for yours. The circumstances may be different. My boys were separated at 14 months into different classrooms. They have been at the daycare since they were 5 months old. They were a mess when they were together in the toddler room. They were very mischievous and very disruptive. If one cried the other cried. If one got in the trouble, the other got in trouble. The other kids would just stare at them like they had two heads. They tag teamed getting in trouble. My hubby and I even observed them. They were so unhappy when I’d pick them up. Often both were in tears over something. We were initially completely against separating them. But Connor got sick and had to stay home for two days. Logan had the best days ever. He did everything, he participated in activities, he took his nap, ate lunch, when I picked him up he was happy not screaming. They said he followed directions all day and did better than the 2 years olds in the class! Connor went back to “school” on a Friday and they both had horrible days. We decided on our own that enough was enough. When we approached the director about seeing if separating them would be for the best they were actually trying to decide how to approach us since some parents are so against separation. They were thankful that we were willing to do what would help them have the best experience. They separated the next week and we have never second guessed the decision. They love “school”. They are together at breakfast in the morning and during outdoor play times. However even at 21 months they already have their own “friends”.

It has not affected their relationship with each other at all. I think in some ways it has made their relationship better when they are at home. When I pick them up at daycare I pick up Connor first he immediately says bubba and points to Logan’s room. We go pick up Logan and they chat (I can’t understand a thing they say) and giggle together the whole ride home. They are very close and share a unique bond that they will have for life but they are also individuals. And while that bond is truly awesome it can also be a pain when they decide to tag team and misbehave. What one doesn’t think of the other does and they are both in it together. I believe that they have blossomed having that time apart both individually and as “twins”.

Keep in mind that it isn’t just about your kids it is also about the other kids in the room. Like I said my boys behavior was very disruptive to the other kids. The teachers had to spend a lot of time with my boys and so the other kids whose parents are also paying for daycare were not benefiting. Toddlers are a handful no matter how much experience a teacher has. You might see if you can talk in more detail with the director. Or talk to the teacher and the director. See what they have tried etc. Ask why they think separating will correct the behavior. I’d want to know that before agreeing to a separation. But try to keep an open mind. While their approach was not at all the best they may have valid concerns and reasons for wanting to go ahead and separate them.

If the daycare is very good then they will have tried what they can to make the situation work but they should also be willing to work with you as the parent to find a solution. Ours has worked with us on several issues. Remember no matter what you are the parent and you are paying them so they should be working with you.

Sorry this was so long but this issue really kept me up a few nights. It was a tough choice but I do not regret the choice we made for our boys.