Daddy going back to work...guilty about leaving mommy.

Our twins will be two weeks old in a couple days and luckily I have a job that allows me to take as much time off as needed. I will be going back to work in a week and feel guilty about leaving my wife to deal with the babies. These are our first so we are truly winging it at this point, but our babies are doing great. They sleep pretty much for three hours, wake up to feed, look around for a little while and then go back to sleep.

It's not a problem right now, but when I leave mommy will have to deal with feeding both, soothing, changing, etc. Right now we both get up, change a baby, feed and sooth them back to sleep so it has been a team effort. When I leave my wife will have to do this on her own, at least until help comes in the form of her mother or ladies from our church. Can we get some advice on the most effective way to feed both when alone (mommy isn't BF babies), soothing if both are fussy, etc. I know it will probably work itself out naturally, but it is very reassuring to hear words from those that have been there. Thanks all!

Daddy (Jason)

 

Do you have bouncy seats? I found that the easiest way to feed/soothe both babies by myself was to strap them into their bouncy seats with the vibration on and feed them that way. I would sit on the floor with one on each side and hold one bottle in each hand. When it came time to burp I would slip a blanket/towel under ones bottle to hold it up and burp the first baby and then switch and do the other.

If they are both fussy same thing I would put them in the boucy seats and turn on the music and dance to it, they loved that. LOL.

You are a great daddy and husband for worrying about your wife but she will survive. It will probably take a little while for her to get used to doing everything solo but once she gets into a routine it will be second nature and she will do just fine. Be sure to let her know about TS so she can come on here and get support/advice when/if she needs it. This site was truly a lifesaver at times during those first few weeks (and still is).

 

Can't help you with the feeding. I tandem nurse. Another reason I find breastfeeding so much better - so much easier than giving two bottles at the same time.

But I will tell you that I actually found it easier when my husband when back to work. He is/was a great help, he'll do anything. But you can't put your husband on a schedule. When he went back to work was when I was able to start to establish some small amount of routine in our days. I get more done because I'm not 'hanging out' with him while they nap - so the laundry and dishes are actually getting done, and I'm less tired at the end of the day. I am also able to do a better job at getting them down for naps - he just wanted to play with them all the time, and didn't put them down for naps enough. I am a little more regimented about putting them down for naps at the same time.

Mine usually take turns being fussy, which is good. But occasionally they both cry. I think the biggest thing is that you sometimes just have to be ok with letting one baby cry. It's not always possible to be able to soothe them both at the same time, so sometimes one baby is just going to have to cry. and that's ok.

 

I vote for bouncy seats for feeding. I would sit in the floor between the seats and feed bottles that way. I took turns burping them and then went back to feeding.

As the pp said, you get to a point where you are ok with letting a baby cry. The first time you do it, it sucks, but one person can only do so much. If all else fails and you have to hold both at the same time, lay them on the couch so you don't have to bend over and just scoop them up and carry them around or rock them. I did that numerous times. Believe me, your wife will get extremely creative and proficient at soothing, feeding, etc. two babies at once. I found my mom holding a bottle up with her foot when she was trying to burp the other one.

BTW - you are an awesome dad for helping your wife out so much. Way to go!!!

 

Bouncy seats, bouncy seats, bouncy seats! They were my savior those first few weeks on my own. Usually one would be contect being bounced with my foot while I held the other. Also, I found it to be easier if they weren't on the same schedule. Then I could just deal with one at a time.

When they were on the same schedule, I would feed both in their boppies or bouncy seats as other people have said. When they were both fussy, I would sit in the middle of the couch with boppies on both sides of me. I would hold both on me and then attempt to move them onto their boppies once asleep.

Good luck to your wife! Sounds like she has a fantastic husband! And don't feel guilty, just be sure to give her a break once you get home. My husband totally gets that his job is easier than mine and is a great help when he's home.

 

My DH had to go back to work when the babies were one week old, I cried and cried, I thought I would die without him, and although it was hard, it was doable and we made it through. As far as feeding, I always fed them at the same time, otherwise I felt like I spent my entire day feeding a baby (I do this even still, just leaves more time for playing). I opted to feed both using the boppy, I would put the boppy around myself and put both babies' heads in the middle, their bodies off to the side. For burping I would stop both, put one on each shoulder and burp away. As far as soothing, you can try swings (although mine hated them) or bouncies, at that size I would just hold them both and walk around the house or rock in the rocking chair, I found it easiest to put them both up on my shoulders. And don't worry, it will get better for you and for her. . .just keep repeating that during the tough days!

 

Podee bottles are awesome for hands free feeding. They sell them at babies r us.

 

First, congrats on your twins! And know that those of us who are first time parents are STILL winging it!

Here's my two cents: ditch the guilt - no reason for you to feel GUILTY. You can feel compassionate or worried, or concerned about her, but guilt is unnecessary. She is working at home with the babies (and as you know, it IS work!); you are working outside the house.

That said although as pp's said, she WILL manage (necessity truly IS the mother of invention!) - the more help she can get, the better. That doenst' mean that she can't do a lot of it herself; of course she can. She'll figure things out like everyone does. BUT - being at home with twinfants is mind-numbingly, body-energy sucking EXHAUSTING. Even if they sleep MOST of the day; the feeding and changing and soothing and worrying is just overwhelming. ESPECIALLY if you've recently ben pregnant with and delivered twins and you're waking up around the clock to feed them.

What she'll need most from you is love, tenderness and understanding when she is tired and cranky and short-tempered, as she will inevitably get. Do what you can to make sure that there is healthy, EASILY ACCESSIBLE food for her; i nursed, but i literally could NOT find time to eat. Finally my DH would prepare stuff; a plate of baby carrots, some cut-up cheese, a sandwich...ANYTHING that she does not need to do anything more than grab and eat. (I also lived on Ensure and protein bars for months!)

HOORAY for the Church Ladies! One of the biggest lessons of being a twin mom was learning to accept and ask for help. People love to help - if they can come over and help w/the babies, or just be there when the babies are napping so your wife can take a nap or take a shower (because, yes, there will be days when it's 5 pm and she is still in spit-uppy pj's w/unbrushed teeth!); , or fold a load of laundry (you will continue to be amazed at how much laundry two such tiny creatures can create!) it will be a huge help. And again, people feel GOOD when they can help. And it DOES take a village; only in this country do we expect moms or couples to be able to do all of this stuff ALONE.

Also - people are always happy to bring food; just make it something that is easily divisible into serving-sized portions: lasagna, casseroles, big pots of chili, zucchini bread etc..

Plan on needing to pick up a lot of the household chores for quite a while. I literally didnt' cook a meal for almost ten months. And as they get older, even getting out to shop for food is quite a challenge: loading everyone into the car, unloading them, dealing with all the strangers who want to touch them WHILE shopping - then unloading everyone again and getting back into the house, unloading them there....you get the picture; a simple trip to buy a gallon of milk can take an hour or more (because no matter what, JUST when you're ready to leave the house, someone will spit up and need a change of clothes, or have a poop explosion..)

You are in for a wild and wonderful ride. The first few months are just exhausting and can be overwhelming. The one thing to remember is that, absurd as it seems now, time WILL pass, they will soon be doing thngs you cannot imagine. Your life will be filled with joy and love in a way that you can only begin to glimpse now. You will have challenges as a couple but if you both remember that you are on the same team, taht will be a HUGE help. It sounds as if you're off to a great start.

One final bit of advice - BACK UP YOUR PHOTOS if you take digital pics. My computer was recently stolen and i had foolishly not backed anything up and i lost TEN MONTHS OF PICS. Irreplaceable.

You will get through the time, amazingly. Oh, and last thing - plan on giving her LOTS of backrubs and footrubs; it really makes a difference

 

Allow your wife to skip a feeding and sleep anytime that you can. We are a couple of months into this and that is saving my sanity. We both feed them at 9 and I go to bed while he handles the midight feed then I get back up with them the next time. My dh is a night owl anyway though. That 5 or so hours of uninterrupted sleep is wonderful. If the bottles are washed when she wakes up it will be even better

As for logistics, we have two papasan seats on the coffee table in front of the couch - we have lived here since we got home with them. We still try to get them in their cribs once asleep but this works perfectly during the day when by myself. The Boppy Newborn Lounger has been wonderful too. You can sit on the couch and hold one and have the other next to you with reach to stick pacifier back in quickly. I use this when I have to feed them at the same time too.

Encourage her to get out with them. It's not easy and there are lots of questions but it's worth every second. Feed them and hit the door, even if it's just for a walk around the block or a stroll through Target.

 

as far as feeding - I would not only make up a batch of formula I would pour it into the bottles for a full 24 hours - yes this requires having approximately 16 bottles but it made my life so much easier...our couch has a chaise lounge at one end - I'd sit on it with a head resting on each thigh and feed that way...as for night feeds we did it in shifts - I'd go to bed for about 9 and sleep until about midnight or 1 when DH would go to bed...I'd take the midnight feed and crawl into bed and sleep till 3 till the next feed - if I was absolutely dying DH would do it without a peep! He'd then get up with me at 6 and feed one before hitting the shower for work and then they'd go back to sleep till about 9 or 10...eventually (after about 6 weeks) DS STTN after his 11 pm bottle and DD would eat around 3 (she was the much smaller of the 2) and then they'd sleep till about 6 ish, eat again and then back to sleep until about 9 or so...

 

my husband could only take the days off of work that we were in the hospital. so when i was release on wednesday, by the time we got home from the hospital, he had to take a shower and get ready to leave for work (he works at nights). this was probably the most horrifying feeling id felt in my life. the second he walked out the door i just thought i would die. the beginning is so very difficult, especially if you are hit with postpartum depression, which most women are.

before my two cents though, let me just say that you sound like a full hands on dad, and i want to commend you for. just the fact that you came on here and wrote this post and are so concerned about your wife and babies.... you're awesome.

now onto the advice:

feeding. at first i only breastfed the babies, which i did by tandem nursing. after a few weeks i realized that i needed an occasional break from it, so we started to supplement every once in a while to give me a break in the day. when we give the babies bottles (and either of us is alone) what we do is sit each one in a boppy pillow, then place a thin pillow on top of the babies chest, and lay the bottle on the pillow and into the babies mouth. when we do this we sit right in front of them and make sure that they're eating ok, that they see us there, that the bottles don't fall over... just to make sure they're ok. this has worked out really really well for us. as soon as one finishes their bottle you just grab and burp them as quickly as possible... then set that baby down and wash rinse and repeat with the second.

soothing. this was the hardest thing. listening to a baby cry is very difficult... listening to two babies cry at the same time is quite another beast. sooo... first of all we swaddle the babies. this really REALLY REALLY saved my life i think. the swaddeling in and of itself soothes the babies, but sometimes you really do just have to have a way to pick them both up at the same time. this was the only way that i felt safe lifting them both up at the same time. so, i'd wrap the babies up nice and snug, lift them both up, lay on the bed with them both on my chest and sorta sway from side to side a bit. we fell asleep together a lot like this. in addition to this we use pacifiers. at first i was against the use of them, but babies really have a need to suck. its the only thing that they can do (aside from crying) to release the stress they build up from all the new stuff that they're taking in...

something that you can do for your wife that my amazingly wonderful husband does for me: 1) make sure she eats. it is not even remotely a joke that she will forget or just simply not be able to eat. and 2) when you come home from work, take over the care of the babies and make sure she takes at least 30 minutes for herself to jump in the shower. Pablo would come home and say "i've got this,... you go take a bath and relax"... i would then go and take a three minute shower and be back... at which point he turned me back around and lovingly forced me to actually take 30 minutes in there. this small break really helped me recharge. the same as the food, she'll forget to shower, brush her teeth..., you name it. its important, even if people have to make you do it, to take a few minutes for yourself... even if its just to cry.

i wish you guys all the strength in the world to get through the first couple months. you can totally do this. just keep being there for each other and do the best that you can each day. everything will change and get easier as you learn to have confidence in yourselves and as you learn your babies individual needs.

above all, as hard as these first two months are, enjoy as much of it as you can. they'll never be this little again. <3

 

First of all, it is very sweet of you to be concerned. I can't tell you how many times I called my husband at work just sobbing at how I couldn't handle it and I was going to lose my mind and he is a medical resident and could not come home and worked overnight a lot. You may get a phone call or two ...

Our twins were very colicky and screamed all the time. Until about 4 1/2 months old. They are still very sensitive and fussy at 7 months old! The ONLY thing that worked for me (strollers, no good ... bouncy chairs, no good ... the car, hated it ... yada yada) was to bounce them on the exercise ball. I would lay a bed pillow on the couch, swaddle them both and lay them side to side on it with a receiving blanket (rolled up) between them and lean over and pick up the whole pillow so that they were belly to belly with me and their heads reclined a little ... I would sit on the ball and gently bounce, bounce, bounce ... the more worked up they were, the higher I bounced. When they got a little older, maybe 2 months old, they liked the side-to-side cradle swings.

I have a picture of my husband doing the "double baby bounce" ... feel free to pm me if you want to see it ... if a visual would help figure out what I am talking about =)

It will be hard for her ... and you ... but you will survive it! Try and help her as much as you can when you are there. Talk to each other about what you really need ... both of you ... you will need some downtime too. I tell my husband to stop at Starbucks or the gym or something on the way home and don't even tell me about it ... that way, he gets free time without feeling like I am begrudging him!

 

I would like to thank all that have posted to this topic. As new parents we have A LOT of questions and thank goodness we were told about this site. As most of you already know, just hearing that we are not alone has taken a HUGE weight off. We realize that we are not the first parents of twins and we sure won't be the last, but when we brought the babies home we felt like we were on an island by ourselves. To see other parents reach out and help those that are where they were is amazing. I feel so honored to be chosen by God to be parents of twins, and I feel thankful to him that he led us to Twinstuff.

Please keep the advice coming as we intend on taking all of it and and trying to see what works. I can say that we hadn't used our bouncies yet, but as of yesterday we started putting them in during the day. They LOVE them! We have awesome babies and I know in my heart of hearts that my wife and I will make it through, but I want to thank each and every parent on here for taking the time to offer us their advice. You are all angels and I look forward to the adventure that has just begun, and building relationships with those that live the unique struggle that only parents of multiples can understand. God bless you all!