Crying when told no or don't get your way

Ok, I am really starting to get a little frustrated here. The boys are 9 now and Michael still cries when you tell him that he can't have something or do something or he doesn't get his way. For example, they are currently at my Mom's for 2 weeks because there's no school...she let them open all but one Christmas gift tonight on Christmas Eve and told them they had to save one gift for Christmas day when DH & I get over there...he cried!! I was on the phone with him when he was crying, I was shocked! Another example, the other day when I picked them up from the Monster Club (the after-school program), Michael came out of the building crying and I had to call him twice to come back so I could find out what was wrong...his problem? He couldn't get a drink from the water fountain because someone was doing something or working on something in front of it! Now, we live RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET...the Monster Club is part of our apt complex and we'd be home in less than 5 minutes and he was crying b/c he couldn't get a drink from the water fountain!! I was floored and so was the lady who runs the Monster Club. Michael has always been the more sensitive child but seriously...he's 9!! I just do not get it...and I hate to say that it really frustrates me when he cries over these things that (to me) seem really small. I do know that part of the reason that it frustrates me so much is b/c I KNOW that I need to be back on some depression meds myself, esp to help me with my moods (the smallest-and stupidest-things seem to set me off). So, someone please tell me this is some sort of phase that he's going thru. My Mom seems to think that he does it b/c he's tired but they go to bed at 8pm and get up at about 7am the next morning...they get LOTS of sleep.

 

My first thought is that he doesn't sound like he's very good at dealing with not getting what he wants. Does he cry over sad stuff (silly things in movies etc.) too, or is it just when he doesn't get his way? If it's only when he doesn't get his way, then I'd have a talk with him about better ways of handling his frustration and disappointment, then either ignore him or remind him of the conversation when he cries. Does he act this way around his friends? If not, then maybe it's because of how you react to his crying (I know, it's hard not to react when your kids cry, but sometimes it's the best thing to do).

Some people are just really, really sensitive, tho. I know, cause I'm one of them. It's harder on men (or boys) then on women cause being really emotional isn't as accepted for us. I cry over really stupid stuff sometimes, lol (not as bad as your son, but I'm 31). I don't think it's really that bad a thing. I mean, crying doesn't hurt anybody.

 

Krys, didn't he get speech therapy? Could it be that he has trouble expressing what he wants and gets frustrated and cries? I would start by talking to his teacher and see if it is happening just with you/family, or if it is any time he is frustrated. If it is only around you guys, I would say it is time for some tough love, because he has figured out that crying will get him what he wants. If it is going on at school and/or aftercare, I would look into getting an eval at school, or at the very least have him talk to the counselor to come up with better coping skills.

Good luck!

 

Does it tend to happen before meal times? One of my children can be like this and I finally connected it to hunger. My child does not ask for food and I don't usually think about snacks until the emotionalness kicks in and I realize what time it is.

 

Wow, all 3 of you gave me some good advice and things to think about. First, Cody, your last sentence got me thinking b/c I really don't want him to think it's NOT ok to cry b/c hey, if you need to cry sometime, you need to cry. But this boy cries all the time...and no, he does not always get what he wants when he cries. Sharon, yes, both of the boys did get speech therapy. Michael has been out of speech therapy for a few years now (Isiah still goes), I think that part of it may be tied to him being frustrated, maybe he's having a hard time dealing with those feelings. I'll have to call the school counselor and see if she can speak with him (when DH & I were separated, Michael did see the school counselor to help him deal with his anger...maybe this is a new way of him dealing with some different feelings). And, lastly, I would have NEVER thought to consider him being hungry and his crying as a link...I'll have to pay a little more attention to the timing to see if it is happening during a time of day when he's hungry. Hmmmmm...

Thanks for all the advice, I knew I could count on ya'll!!

 

Have you tried talking to him about it?

I know that I get really frustrated when my kids cry about little things (or what I think are little thing! :rolleyes ). Sometimes I wonder if I am reinforcing the crying by the amount of attention (even thought it's negative attention) that I am giving them. Just a thought!

 

Krys, one of the problems I have with Cassie is she loses control of everything if she hasn't had protien. It sounds weird, but Holly's allergist suggested that keeping Cas' protien level consistant would help with her outbursts. Some of her outbursts were crying (hysterical out of control crying), some were anger, some were unbelievably over the top energetic movement (she starts to run or shake, and literally can't stop). I have learned over the past two years to watch for signs that she might be getting to the point of meltdown, and offer protien of some sort, and get her to a place where she can rest. One of her triggers is being overtired. That makes it worse. Keeping the protien levels in her body consistant has been helpful in controlling her outbursts, as has been my being able to notice what might be triggering them.

Holly on the other hand will cry at the drop of a hat. She has always been an emotional child, as well as anxious (diagnosed with anxiety issues VERY early). She also uses tears as a way to get what she wants. I am trying hard to explain to her that, that isn't going to work for me. All it will get her is a time out in her room, and me not believing her when she really needs to be comforted or is in pain etc. It doesn't take much to have her tear up, yesterday it was because her sister was playing her new harmonica in their room while she was trying to put ice skates on her American Girl doll and couldn't concentrate. Seriously. I had them both come downstairs and discuss the issue, told Holly that if she needs to leave the room to come downstairs put the skates on. They went back upstairs and again Holly starts complaining again, I called her down and she just about burst into tears. Why because she wasn't getting her way. I finally told her she could stay home while I took Cassie to Grammy and Grampas for Christmas and all of her new gifts would be returned to where they came from or given to little girls who would appreciate them if she couldn't stop being quite so selfish. Then I left the room.

By the time I came back in the room she was a bit better, and somehow before we left she had managed miraculously to get the skates on and stop the crocodile tears. She can be an extremely manipulative child and is now learning Mommy doesn't take well to being manipulated.

IF you managed to read all this, it boils down to finding out WHY he is crying. Is is because he wants something? Is it because he NEEDS something (food, sleep)? Is it because he wants to be able to control the situation (maybe he feels he can't control something else in his life)? I know that one of the things that helps Holly is a visit or two with the school counselor. There are times when she has said to me "mommy I think I need to go visit Mrs V today" (Mrs V is the counselor at school), so she knows when she needs someone to talk to, and I'll bet he does too, but he doesn't know how to tell you or what even to say.

 

Look into the food/crying connection. Mine are incredibly grumpy when they're hungry and don't realize it yet. When they were toddlers, that's when they'd get into the most trouble. It got so it was a joke -- the twins are acting like little devils; must be snack time!!!
Plus I think the act of eating is somewhat centering - like a little island of calm in a hectic world. Reminds you of yourself.

DH is 9, and cries at just about everything. I just try to give him alternative ways to express his frustration (often not as calmly as that sounds. Often I do this in a yell). I think in those times crying is a way of getting my attention/letting us all know he's there.
I also ask him (again, not always calmly, b/c a crying kid isn't calming to be around....) what he's really upset about. Often, by the time I'm done listing about all the things he could be mad about and asking,"Is that why you're mad?", he's feeling better. But at least he can say he made himself feel better by thinking his way out of his cry, even though I did nothing else but distract him from his problems.
When I'm really low on time/patience, I ignore him. He works it out, and this is probably what he needs the most. In other words, the self-confidence to know that he can fix things himself and doesn't need me all the time. I've been trying to ignore him more. I'm too much of a hovering mom around him, and I think part of him wants to grow up. It's probably a little scary to him, like leaving a crutch at home for the first time. But he's getting better at it. Now it's just mom who has to learn that he's OK by himself!!