Crying when held. vent...

My brother got married last nite and we went to the wedding. The girls looked adorable (as always) By the time we got to the reception, the girls were really hungry and a little sleepy. We set them up in their booster chairs and started feeding them dinner. Well of course, everyone tried to come over and talk to them and I just wanted to say "go away, come back when they are done!" Anyways, after they ate, which took forever b/c no one would leave them alone, we got them out and danced in our lap while we held them (plus we danced later on). Everyone kept coming over wanting to hold them. Both of them would wrinkle their nose and turn away, didnt want anything to do with them. The few people that tried they just screamed, and it was really embarrasing. Everyone kept saying "you need to get them out more and let strangers hold them"

You know, my kids do go out, everyday just about but I dont let anyone and everyone hold them. Besides ever since my girls were little, they have always had to warm up to people. A good family friend was playing with Kaytlin while I was holding her and after a few minutes, Kaytlin let her hold her and was laughing and having a good time. My aunts were really upset about it and one even came up to our friend and said "you suck" and walked away!

They act like this is my fault, which maybe it is but I dont want a complete stranger holding my babies. I have never been the type to push my kids onto someone else. I love my children and want to spend every minute I can with them but it isnt like we just stay home and never go anywhere.

What do you guys think about this?

 

I would feel the same as you- Sounds really frustrating. I just hate it when people see that you are trying to accomplish something with your toddler (feeding, changing, etc) and interfere, let alone when they say things that criticize my child-rearing. Some people just forget that kids this age are really clingy and go through a serious period of stranger anxiety. My mother and aunt still can't comprehend why I won't take my kids to big family gatherings b/c of the stress it causes me. I'm sorry to say, there's no cure for stupidity or the amnesia that seems to hit women after their children have grown. We just have to grin and bear it for now.

 

I personally think its the age. I'm going through the same thing with my girls. Unless they're close family they want nothing to do with them. I feel that when they are ready or more confident with stragers they'll get better. I personally don't like the idea of pushing them to do something they aren't comfortable doing yet. I'm like you I don't like complete strangers holding my girls and I won't push them on to someone else, unless its my mother or grandmother.

 

My girls still do this and they're going to be 4 soon. Unless they know the person really, really well. But if they are in a crowd u have no chance. I think its normal. And who wants to force their kids to do something they don't want to.

Oh and the comment about getting out more. We go out every day and they're in a small daycare 2 days a week, children are well socialized, its just the situation. Try to ignore the comments.


amanda

 

I think some of it does have to do with the age. Do you have family around that you see often, and do they hold them? We have a lot of family around, both sides, so we are at family gatherings pretty often. Trevor will go to anyone, Emilie is a bit more reluctant, but will go to family because she sees them often. However, there have been some times my Mom or MIL try to hold her and she'll cry. So it could be their age. And possibly if they aren't around family that holds them often. Does that make sense? I don't let strangers hold my kids either, but I do let any family member that wants to hold them when we see them, but strangers, NO!

I know my cousin's baby won't go to anyone, but that is because she isn't around everyone very often for people to hold her.

I would say it's probably a combination of age and not being held by different people often, that's my guess anyway.

 

QUOTE
I personally think its the age.


Exactly what I was going to say.

Why can't people leave babies/toddlers alone when they are eating? That bugs the ultimate heck outta me! I had to make 5 of my nieces and nephews leave yesterday so I could get the boys to eat. I hate to be mean, but geez, picking and poking at them while they are eating, not necessary!

 

I think age too, but it can also be the person (sorry all those loving relatives). Chloe and Cole get out all the time, and interact with a lot of our neighbors. Cole will go up to people he feels comfortable with and hold conversations with them. Now a few months ago, at a IL family gathering, with people up in their faces, they were clingy like crazy. Chloe and Cole are very afraid of my DH's family because they are loud and in their faces, forcing them to sit by them or talking loud right in their faces. When my family comes over, they play peek-a-boo from a distance, let them warm up, come down to their level, usually within minutes they are all over my family. We don't see either sides of our families that often, so it's not familiarity with my family, it's just their better approach!!

 

I know mine are a lot younger than yours but I just had to say I get the same comments. One of the biggest is that I never let anyone hold them. Well, that's true because when people hold them they cry and like you, I don't feel the need to make them do something they don't want to do. It is soooo hard not to be bothered by these comments. :hug99:

 

It is the age, could also be alot of people they do not really know. My guys need to warm up to people too! Even if it is just talking to them. And I imagine they were way stimulated by all the attention and activity around them and just in general at weddings.

I would not sweat it too much. If you are concerned, make an effort when around others they may not know well to engage the little ones with the other person and your self. Make it into a game between the three of you. When the know you are okay with the other person it can make it an easier transition.

 

My girls were flower girls a few months ago in my brother's wedding and even about 2 yrs older than yours, they would not let anyone else touch them! They would cry if people tried to take their pictures and wanted to be held the whole time. I think weddings- with the strangers in the crowd, everyone gawking at them for being so cute, strange people approaching them, being hungry, tired, wearing fancy different clothes, and in a strange place- are hard on little kids! Everyone we met at the wedding was sympathetic to the girls' anxiousness and grumpiness. I think people were expecting too much from yours.

I'm sure they would have been a lot friendlier in a smaller crowd in a more familiar place.

 

Thanks guys. I think it is the age and the fact that they expect my girls to just go to anyone. There are 2 other babies on my mom's side around the girls age and they go to anyone, mostly b/c the parents walk in and hand them off to anyone and the next time they see them is when they are leaving. I am the complete opposite. I want my girls to be comfortable and have as less stress as possible. My girls will go to anyone that they see on a regular basis, well not even regular. My brother sees them every month or so and they are fine with him. My dad sees them about every 2 weeks and they are okay with him. My mom and MIL are here what seems like all the time so they are 100% comfortable with them. So it isnt a "dont like anyone" it is a "I dont know you and no your arent holding me" thing.

My mom keeps telling me about how this is not good and the girls are never going to make it through school unless I "socialize" them more?? They are literally out with strangers every single nice day (which lately has been everyday). Whether it be a walk around the neighborhood (where we talk to lots of people) or a trip to a store where we are stopped 1500 times...Just b/c I dont dump my kids on people doesnt mean they arent socialized!

My girls have always had to warm up to people. Just get on their level, play peek-a-boo, do something to let them know that you are okay....My mom's family is REALLY loud so that doesnt help either.

Thanks again, I wont stress about it too bad b/c I feel that I am doing all that I can and am comfortable with at this time.

 

Ours are not too far in age and I can totally relate to your experience. To be honest, my girls aren't around many people often. I have 2 girlfriends I get together with at least once a week and those are pretty much the ONLY people my girls will let hold them without having a fit. I think it is important for them to 1. have a healthy attatchment to you and dh and 2. to be able to distinguish between people they know and trust and "strangers" even if those strangers are family. I don't think you have to explain yourself or defend your babies behavior in anyway. I personally think their reaction was very normal and very healthy. If people don't understand then @$#% them. A lot of people just don't understand that babies don't have the memory capacity to remember people they have only seen once or twice (or maybe a few more times) at this age. I'd rather have my babies cry and scream when people try to hold them than to just go happily with any joe shmoe who takes them, kwim?