Crazy Mother-In-Law

First, I'll start off by saying my B/G twins are healthy, have always been and have never had to have any immediate medical care and they are 6 months old.

My (MIL) Mother-in-law, is an organic environmental evangelist. She lives and breaths all organic. Even going as far as going through other peoples trash looking for things that can be recycled. If this is the way she chooses to live her life, and she is not hurting anyone by it, then that is her choice....BUT she asked my husband and myself repeatedly if she could give the twins supplements. Both my husband and I told her NO on multiple occasions. We even had to get stern with her because she would keep throwing it down our throats. Our decision not to give our children supplements is because there have not been enough studies to prove that there is any GOOD or BAD effects on babies and neither of us want them to be on anything they really don't need even if it is natural. Bottom line...IT'S OUR CHOICE!!!

We had to live with his parents for six weeks while we finalized the closing of our old home and new home. The day we were going to take the kids to get their vaccinations I walked out of the shower and saw my MIL throw something in the fridge. She saw me coming and said, "I'm just making a bottle." When she left the kitchen I found baby supplements in the fridge. When we went to get the shots she didn't even speak up when asked if the twins had been taking anything. I didn't saying anything because at the time I had no proof she had given the twins anything. The next day I confronted her about my findings. She admitted to giving them supplements for several months, after we told her not to. A million of emotions ran over me.

When I asked her why she did this she said "It's what is best for them." I told her I would make the decisions on what is best for MY children and quickly reminded her that she had already raised her son, who is a wonderful father and husband, please let us have our time. She stood by her decision to give them the supplements. I also told her if she was going to continue to go behind my back and make decisions for my children that I don't agree with for whatever reason, she will not be allowed to be alone with the children. She hugged me and said, "Sorry I did this at a time in your life when you are stressed out." Which tells me she is not sorry for giving them supplements but sorry for getting caught. I told her we can't live angry with each other and we would put this incident behind us as long as she does not do it again. Truth is, I can't put it behind me. I can't trust her maybe it hasn't been enough time, I don't know but I am not the type to hold a grudge.

How can I get over this?? Maybe not get over this, but how can I forgive?

 

:shok: Oh my. I don't have great advice for you but wanted to say I would feel the same way! It is not okay for her to go behind your back & give something to your babies like that! I'm sure over time I would forgive her, but I would certainly keep an eye on her from here on out!

 

I would be so ballistic right now. Seriously, I want to kill her, and it's not even my MIL and kids. I think you should try to remember that she loves your children very much and that this came from a good place. That said, I would not trust her because she has not shown remorse or even said that she won't do it again. I think you need to keep your children from being alone with her for the foreseeable future. Forgiveness may come later, but you have immediate issues.

 

I'd be beyond furious! There are no words to describe how angry I would be if anyone gave something to my children after I had repeatedly told them no. There is absolutely no excuse good enough for what she's done, and while I might forgive her eventually, I certainly would not ever forget. The fact that she didn't apologize to you is also quite telling, so I can see why you're having a hard time moving on from this. It seems more like her sole purpose was to undermine you, and not help her grandchildren.

If it were me, my children would not be left alone with her any time soon. I couldn't do it in good conscience and I would tell her that, too. I might also mention that she's very fortunate that no harm came to either of your babies, because while it might have been "all-natural" you honestly just don't know how they will react to something. I'm so angry FOR you. I honestly cannot believe that someone would go out of their way to do something you explicitly asked them not to do when it comes to your children.

 

I cannot agree more, my mouth is still open. I'm all about organics, all natural everything and gave my girls poly-vi-sol and iron supplements. BUT I would never, nor could imagine giving something to another baby--who knows what may have happened? Reactions? What if you took them to the doctors for another reason and they needed medication that couldn't be mixed with what ever supplements they were given? There are just too many dangers to let yourself get over it now...I would be in mother bear mode right now.

 

I'd be so furious, and I'm generally an advocate of nutritional supplements! Even if I could somehow agree with the MIL's POV, babies are so vulnerable to poor quality pills and additives and small amounts of strong herbs. But to do something so significant against your agreement ... it would have been better for the babies if she'd poured out the babies BM or formula and been feeding them ... Hmm, I can't even think of a worse choice!

 

:woah: OMGosh, that is INSANE! I would be pissed, would hold a grudge, and wouldn't leave her alone with my kids! That is absolutely nuts! I'm sorry you are dealing with that nonsense. :hug:

 

OMG!! you have every right to be furious! and in your situation i would happily hold a grudge... i can't believe her "apology", as if it would have been ok i you weren't stressed out about movng into a new home, whatever!

i agree with the pps when they say that she should not be left alone with your children, she obviously doesn't care that they are YOUR children and she should follow YOUR rules. ugh. in fact, if it were me, they wouldn't be allowed to be alone with her until they are old enough to report back to you, so like 5-6 years old..

good luck, i know you don't want to live in an uncomfortable environment, it would be nice if she felt the same way..

 

In the spirit of not saying bad things about others, Iwill just say...what she said!!!!!!!

 

Oh wow. I don't know. I would be so PO'd. I'm not sure I'd get over it very quickly. I don't think I could trust someone like that. She is obviously not sorry and has made it clear that her belief system is more important than yours. Just reading your post made me want to scream. I am so sorry for you. So I guess I have no advice but I do completely support you.

 

:woah: I would also be extremely mad and feel totally betrayed! I have a heck of a time forgiving people and trust is HUGE in my book! It doesn't sound like she wouldn't do it again and I would wait till the kids were much older and could tell me everything before I left them alone with her again. Shame on her!!!! :hug: I would have thrown a massive 2 year old fit!

 

I would be downright FURIOUS! How DARE she?! Especially after you repeatedly said NO!! Ugh! I am so so so sorry you're having to deal with a crazy MIL like this. I wouldn't leave them alone with her until they are old enough to tell you exactly what was given to them while she was there, and if she did it again? I'd never leave them alone with her again. You're right, she raised her children, she had her chance, she has no right to overstep boundaries that you have every right placing.

Grrrr! I want to punch her for you. Can I? Pleeeeeease?!

*hugs* to you, hun.. I don't know how you kept from slapping her across the face.

 

Why would u want to forgive her, she isn't sorry for what she did and given a chance I'm sure she would do it again. She has overstepped her boundaries a million fold, what has your DH said to her. I would never trust her alone again with my kids, its an awful position she has put you in.

 

That's HORRIFIC. I don't think I could ever trust her again. I don't think I would let her be alone with the kids. You should probably tell her again how you feel, and DH needs to talk to her too. I suppose you can forgive her, but you have no reason to trust her. I'm sorry this happened to you and your babies.

 

I'll just ditto everyone else, and she would never ever be left with my babies alone again!

 

:woah: :woah: What a shocker... Especailly after what she said when you confronted her about it.. I would have flipped my lid when she said "Sorry I did this at a time in your life when you are stressed out." Im sorry that you have to deal with that.. I don't think that i would leave her alone with them either...

 

I am still in shock after reading your post. I am so sorry that you had to deal with that! I just wanted to say good luck to you because it sounds like you will have a rough road ahead of you dealing with her!

 

WOW! It almost makes me cry that everyone feels so emotional over someone they don't even know! Thank you. It makes me feel so good! My DH is every step of the way on my side when it comes to this situation all though he didn't want to believe it at first. Before his mother admitted to doing it, he told me his mother would never betray us in such a matter and when I told him she fessed I think it almost brought him to tears. He did speak to his mother about this and she told him I was being stubborn and he told her for the billionth time, SOMMER IS THEIR MOTHER WHAT SHE SAYS GOES, she is not being stubborn you are being stubborn for not understanding why you can't raise our children and butt out....Side note, she once walked into my house uninvited. I was in a t-shirt and undies, turned around and there she was..didn't even here her come in. So us having to correct her is nothing new...Which makes me even more angry that she JUST DOES NOT GET IT!!

I think I would be reacting differently if we had not move three hours away less than a week after this incident. At one point I didn't want to move, both of our families live from where we moved and have been by our side ever since they heard we were having twins, but MIL gave me a reason to thank God my husband was transferred. I think I told her we would put this behind us because I was so busy when it happened and felt like..Oh well, she is 3 hours away I won't have to deal with her on a day to day basis. Now that everything has slowed down and I have had time to boil I view my decision to put this behind us not an option (everyone here has really made me think). I wanted a peaceful relationship with my MIL but in reality I don't and now this has happened I never will. Which is sad because if you knew my MIL, she isn't a bad person. She really believes she is doing the best for her grandchildren but she is lost in this world of natural remedies she doesn't even see straight. I am not talking about people who eat whole foods and love our environment, I love whole foods, but a person that almost makes it her religion or God almost like there is a organic path to heaven and if you don't follow the organic ways you will go to hell, like a cult.

She should be coming to see us in the next week or so. I am going to approach the issue diplomatically and not let my emotions get in the way. I really didn't think I would get such an emotional reaction but I should have know because the friends and family I did tell went crazy after I told them. Posting this just takes a lot of steam off my back. Thanks again....I'll keep you posted.

 

I am so sorry you have to deal with this! If it were my MIL I don't know what I would do. I'd start with banishing her from the kids for a long time - whether I was with them or not!

Besides, just because something is natural, it doesn't mean that it is safe. There are many deathly poisons found growing in nature. And I agree with a PP that she was endangering your babies' lives by doing this - many MANY medications don't mix with natural herbs and supplements, and if there was an emergency, God forbid, your baby's life could easily have been in danger.

In addition to never leaving her alone with your kids, I would also demand to know what she gave them, how much of it, and how often and check with your pedi to make sure there are no known side effects. I'm sure they're probably OK - but better safe than sorry.

Oh, I'm so mad for you!!! :grr:

 

Wow! I would be livid. She sounds like she is really 'out there' and her judgement is impaired. If she has poor judgement and she is untrustworthy, she should never be alone with the kids.
On another note-have you discussed this with your pediatrician? I probably would just so I could have peace of mind. Just because something is natural and organic does not mean it's safe for babies.
Sorry, that's awful. Beth

 

This is exactly what I was thinking. You want to document what exactly she gave them, how much, how often, what time of day, etc. And when she comes to visit, make a point of taking the babies from room to room with you so she isn't alone with them at all. Personally, I'm very nonconfrontational so I'd rather just keep them with me then go into the whole thing with her. Especially if she "doesn't get it" like you said. Good luck with that visit!

 

Good for you. I think you are going about this the right way. Sweeping things under the rug won't fix anything, because even if this issue goes away, you know ther is going to be plenty more issues down the road. Definately let us all know how it goes.

 

Wow and I thought my MIL wanting to give them water was bad! :girl_devil: They were so determined to give them water at 4 months (2 months adjusted) that I didn't leave the boys alone with them. I think you handled it well when it happened, but it would be something that I couldn't get over too. You may have to tell her that you are still very hurt from it and tell her you have a lot of healing to do. Big hugs! I hope the next visit goes okay.

 

You sure can punch her out for me after what I found out last night!!! I found out last night, while my husband and I were trying to have a nice dinner away from the twins,---The first dinner out we have hand since the twins were born 6 months ago----That she was furious I poured out the supplements saying, "Those cost me $25.00," they were not hers to throw away. I could have taken them myself."---UMM ok, yeah just let me hand you back the bottle of supplements that I berated you for giving my children..Why would I give them back??? So she can go behind my back again and give it to them??? She is coming Thursday and I told my DH that we were all three going to sit and talk about the situation and how we are going to overcome this....And if she doesn't get it then she WILL NOT see them without STRICT supervision---I should also add that my husband is an only child and these are her only Grandchildren. I can't stand being so mad. My relationship was so good with her before I got pregnant. I should have known the "God of hippie" Would be a problem.

 

Thank you. She is coming Thursday and the three of us, my husband, myself, and her are going to sit and have an ADULT conversation. It's funny you mentioned your MIL trying to give them water. When we were in the NICU she was asking if they could have water to the nurse. I had just saw this CNN special where a Mom didn't have enough money to buy formula so she was watering down the formula she did have and her baby got water logged and died. When I told her that she thought I was crazy...No not me...take a look in the mirror hun!!

 

Wow! :woah: Holy cow! I don't even know what to say! :blink: I basically ditto what everyone else said. I would be so LIVID! Good for you for confronting her about this again because she CLEARLY does not regret anything and it sounds like she would do it all over again in a heart beat. Stick to your guns and good luck. Keep us posted!

 

I hope your conversation goes well. I would have a plan of action in my hand as for how you want things to go. A list of rules per se. That way you dont get sidetracked by emotion. GL! :hug:


FWIW, I would have been furious and she would not be left alone with my kids. I too would want to know what she has been giving them and how much, how often.

 

Initially I wasn’t going to comment on this… I reasoned that everyone else would say everything that needed saying. But it’s been stuck in my head all weekend.

I don’t thing you should ‘get over it’. It is beyond unacceptable for someone to give you babies anything after you have explicitly asked them not to. I’ve had similar struggles with my own mother-in-law, though not about anything quite as serious. And supplements ARE serious. They are an unregulated product. They might be beneficial, they might be benign, and then again they might be dangerous. The only people that should be making decisions about what to give your little ones on the grounds of “It’s what is best for them” are you and your husband. And if you ask me, your mother-in-law is not sorry. She didn’t even try to pretend that she was. When she stood by her decision to give them supplements she was standing by HER decision, not yours, and if she can’t, or won’t, respect your decisions as the parents I would be fearful of a repeat situation.

For my boys… anyone who thinks that their idea of what is best for the boys gives them leave to ignore or contradict my wishes isn’t going to be spending time with them again.