cousin miscarriage- wwyd

my dh's cousin lost her baby a couple days ago. she was about 2.5 months pregnant. this was an unexpected pregnancy which lead to very quick planning of a wedding which is next week. i know she loves the guy but also that the baby was the sourse of alot of anxiety and quick maybe unwanted changes in her life. i can imagine she must be feeling quilty because she was so ambivalent about the baby.
although i really like here we're not that close. i would like to express my sympathy to her but don't want to be intrusive. i was thinking of sending her a warm e-mail. do you think that's too impersonal? my thought is that if i call her she will feel she has to speak to me but she might not feel like it but an e-mail does not require her to behave in any certain way towards me. also, whether by e-mail or phone what do you think would be helpful to say?
when i miscarried i found the teachings of my lama regarding karma comforting, but i don't think that's everybodys cup of tea. he had told me that the baby had it's own reasons for not being born which do not consern me. of course i am a Buddhist and this is part of a whole system of thought that works for me. what would be comforting outside a spiritual framework?
thanks so much for your advise. i feel so sad for the pain she must be feeling i would like to say the right thing.

 

my dh's cousin lost her baby a couple days ago. she was about 2.5 months pregnant. this was an unexpected pregnancy which lead to very quick planning of a wedding which is next week. i know she loves the guy but also that the baby was the sourse of alot of anxiety and quick maybe unwanted changes in her life. i can imagine she must be feeling quilty because she was so ambivalent about the baby.
although i really like here we're not that close. i would like to express my sympathy to her but don't want to be intrusive. i was thinking of sending her a warm e-mail. do you think that's too impersonal? my thought is that if i call her she will feel she has to speak to me but she might not feel like it but an e-mail does not require her to behave in any certain way towards me. also, whether by e-mail or phone what do you think would be helpful to say?
when i miscarried i found the teachings of my lama regarding karma comforting, but i don't think that's everybodys cup of tea. he had told me that the baby had it's own reasons for not being born which do not consern me. of course i am a Buddhist and this is part of a whole system of thought that works for me. what would be comforting outside a spiritual framework?
thanks so much for your advise. i feel so sad for the pain she must be feeling i would like to say the right thing.

 

I think your instinct to reach out to her and acknowledge her terrible loss is exactly on target. Often in our culture we ignore these things as if they didn't happen, because we're not sure how to express our compassion and create an outlet for grief.

I would say that an email (if you think she will be checking it), expressing exactly what you wrote here: your condolences and concern for her, along with a very explicit message that she has no obligation to talk w/you, but that you are available if she WANTS to, and that while every circumstance is different, having lost a baby of your own you have some personal experience with it.

There is a way to do that w/out mentioning your own spiritual beliefs, but perhaps (and this is tricky) noting that up to 35% (or so, don't know what the exact number is) of pregnancies DO end in miscarriage - and that nothing SHE did caused it, nor could she change it.

The truth is that with current reproductive technology we can know about conception MUCH sooner than they did before: many women lost pregnancies and never knew it. That's why we still talk about preganancy as being 9 months, when in fact,it's ten months: before most women, unless they were very in tune w/their bodies, had missed TWO menstrual periods before they even realized they were pregnant.

 

Dont send an email, that is too impersonal. Send her a card instead, there are plenty sympathy cards or "thinking of you" cards out there. One of the things that iritated me more than anything was the whole 'it happened for a reason'...yeah I know its true but I certainly didnt want to hear it and it really was not helpful, it was more hurtful than anything.

My advice, send a card, simply put that you are so sorry for her loss and let her know you are there for her to talk to. Put your phone and email adress in the card so she has it right there. Nothing else is really needed

 

I think a card or flowers (or both) would be a very nice gesture. One of the nicest things anyone did for me after our losses was to make a donation in honor of our angels to an organization that helps babies that were born really early, providing tiny clothes and such and also burial gowns when needed. It let me know that other people still think of them and they aren't forgotten.

 

I also think a card saying you are very sad for her and thinking about her. Since you aren't close to her, keep it simple but let her know you're here if she wants to talk.

 

I think mailing her a card would be nice! I'd stick to condolences about her loss, maybe even a poem that means something to you.

 

We have friends that just miscarried & I'm planning on stopping by the florist to send some flowers. I was thinking of putting something in the card to say how sorry we are & we're here if they ever need anything. I've had 2 m/c and both times when I was sent flowers, that seemed to mean the most. It was just a kind of way of other people recognizing that the loss was real.

 

Send her a nice thinking of you / sorry for your loss card. Keep it simple, and DO NOT say that it happened for a reason. While that may have been comforting to you, in my experience, the VAST majority of women who have had a loss find it condescending and insulting. Please just keep it direct and to the point. That you are sorry for her loss.

 

I would send a flower or flowers, and have a little note attached. Let her know you are there for her, if she needs you.

My deepest thoughts and sympathy are with her...

 

We preferred cards and emails (not calls). We preferred donations (instead of flowers).