couple of questions about "playdates"

Is there a time etiquette to them?

How do you fit it in with naps???

I went to my friends house today for our first real playdate (with them) since the girls were about 4 months old. She has an 18 month old boy and a 2 month old boy. My girls obviously don't remember her house so it was a bit intimidating to them because the truth is (as sad as it may be), we don't have many playdates at all other than 1 or 2 other friends that I get together with once in a while. Anyway, I know her son is a very typical, boy toddler but he was a bit aggressive with my girls and it really scared Arwen who ended up clinging to my side for the entire time we were there. He kept coming over and hitting them in the head or ramming his whole body into them so they would fall down which scared the crap out of them. To be honest, it scared the crap out of me. My friend did end up giving him 2 time outs while we were there and I know she is a very caring and loving mother and I could see she was appalled and embarrassed at his behavior and she kept apologizing and saying he is really off today. I figured it was because there were 2 girls he doesn't know in his house that are touching his stuff and again, he is just being a typical toddler. However, it really made me nervous. My girls are already not incredibly socialized and thus far tend to be very gentle and loving girls who have never done anything to hurt another child. I don't want them to pick up these types of behaviors but I don't know if they are unavoidable. We are starting Mommy and Me in September so this is making me even more nervous. What do you think about this? Should I seriously limit my playdates with her (which wouldn't really be that often anyway). I just don't have a lot of SAHM friends and I get very lonely and isolated when it's just me and the girls all day every day, kwim? What is your experiences with playdates. Could you share some of your stories and how you dealt with various situations? TIA

 

The time question: When I get together with other moms we try to make it as long as possible so we can talk. Only if the kids aren't very happy do we cut it short. Since we're friends, not randon acquaintances, we stretch it as much as we can.

Naps: Anything I do for just a couple of hours happens in the morning. Naps are between 1 and 2pm, so if we can get home by then, great. But if it's a long event, meeting at a big indoor play place or if I drive 1 1/2 hours to a friend's house, I just skip naps. They will fall asleep on the way home anyway, and they are so busy playing that they don't realize they are tired and having too much fun to be grumpy.

Other kids: I have sort of the same problem with Ellie. To all my friends' kids she is a novelty at 18mo. They try to touch her, pick her up, etc. I'm forever saying, "Leave the baby alone!!" She's quite tiny for her age, so that adds to their fascination. I do have a friend whose kids are not very well behaved or (IMO) well disciplined. I have never said anything to her, but I really don't like my girls playing with hers. She lives far, so it's not really a big deal. I guess I just try to keep an eye on Ellie and keep the more inquisitive kids away.

As to your situation, if your friend said he wasn't acting normally, maybe try it again. It is hard having strange kids come in and touch your stuff. Good luck!

 

I've just started doing playdates now that mine are down to one nap. But now our playdates, usually with other Mom's from our local multiples group, but we have been doing 9:30-11:30 am. That way everyone can go home for lunch and naps. So far it is working out great.

 

Honestly I can't offer alot of advice. My kids don't have alot of playdates. They have one friend they play with fairly often, and she is a couple of months younger than the girls. She tried to hug Gracie the other day and Gracie took her hand and started to shove her. So, I guess I have the aggressive kids It isn't due to lack of discipline though. Maddie is pretty good at playing and sharing with other kids, but Gracie...she is just mean. She gets very jealous of other kids if they get too close to me, or Maddie, or DH, or her toys. BUT, they stay in the church nursery, and whoever is keeping the nursery always says they are perfect angels. I think kids act differently when they are around their parent and other kids at the same time. The more they play together the better it will probably get. When my kids misbehave with Sarah's kid (thats the girl mentioned earlier) she will tell my children, no or thats not nice and vice versa. We are bestfriend's though, and that makes a difference, I guess. My girls have an uncle that thinks its cute to teach them bad habits, like they recently started hitting each other in the nose...I can't wait till he has kids...payback is going to be really bad for him.

 

I am very uncomfortable with my girls being around other kids who's parents don't set boudries or rules. We do get out a lot though by ourselves, just me and the girls, to story time or some kind of group activiety for toddlers. What I do is if I see other kids being mean I just show my girls which kids are being mean and tell them "See he/she/they are being mean and not being nice, we really shouldn't play with them". Then I just try to keep my girls clear of them. I really haven't had too much of a problem, so far, wich I'm actually very suprised as a lot of undisirables/rude people live in/around Phoenix, but the girls really just stay away from them and come to me if they get to close. If I ever really do run into a problem, I would let a faclity member know that I can't feel safe with my girls being around the other kids and take it from there. If it still didn't resolve I would just take my girls away from that situation and try to explaine that it isn't thier fault but is in their best intrest.

Hope this helps, good luck.

 

At that age the nap is sacrosanct, IMO. My girls were at one nap at that age so it wasn't that hard to do morning activities. However they didn't do much play-dating at that age. They sorta just hanged (and still do) with the neighbor kids. Now they do have play dates with the kids taken care of by my au pair's other au pair friends mostly. Then we expose them to cousins on the weekends. This year they start preschool so hopefully we'll be able to hook up with more friends and play dates, but they seem pretty well socialized and active, not too concerned. Remember -- they have each other.

As far as that little boy's behavior, sounds like the mom was on top of it. Probably pretty mortified, but he needs the socialization and as long as he's being punished for it and not rewarded or getting what seems like positive attention, I can't see that they'd want to emulate the behavior.

Personally, I've never been on an official "play date", but if I didn't like the kid and how the kids played together I guess I wouldn't want to go anymore. I'd give it a couple chances and if the behavior persists and you are concerned, be gently honest with the mom -- the kids don't seem to play that well together. Let's try again in a couple months.

 

QUOTE(coconutdancing @ Aug 16 2007, 09:58 PM) [snapback]371176[/snapback]
I am very uncomfortable with my girls being around other kids who's parents don't set boudries or rules. We do get out a lot though by ourselves, just me and the girls, to story time or some kind of group activiety for toddlers. What I do is if I see other kids being mean I just show my girls which kids are being mean and tell them "See he/she/they are being mean and not being nice, we really shouldn't play with them". Then I just try to keep my girls clear of them. I really haven't had too much of a problem, so far, wich I'm actually very suprised as a lot of undisirables/rude people live in/around Phoenix, but the girls really just stay away from them and come to me if they get to close. If I ever really do run into a problem, I would let a faclity member know that I can't feel safe with my girls being around the other kids and take it from there. If it still didn't resolve I would just take my girls away from that situation and try to explaine that it isn't thier fault but is in their best intrest.

Hope this helps, good luck.


PLEASE, don't take this the wrong way:

I don't think that keeping them away from a kid you see being mean is necessarily a good thing. I mean if the other kids are balling up their fists and hitting other kids in the face or something, I understand. And I see your point, but they will can't run away from "mean" kids forever. Like I said before, my Gracie can be mean, but that doesn't mean she is a bad child. Its probably my fault for not socializing her more when she was younger, and b/c Maddie was very needy for a while and I may have neglected Gracie a little more, so she is less secure than Maddie. I think kids are going to act ugly sometimes, and yes, dare I say be mean. It doesn't mean they are always mean, or a bad child that doesn't deserve to be played with. I guess since my own kids aren't perfect angels (shock, yes I can admit that my kids can be very bad sometimes) then I sympathize with the "mean" kids in the world. Gracie is also very shy, so she is uncomfortable in public, again insecure. I'm just using Gracie as an example. I know if another kid is putting your children in danger then you would want to keep them away, but I just think your statement of "we really shouldn't play with them" is kinda shocking to me. And forgive me if I seem harsh, I don't mean to...maybe these are kids you see repeatedly and they hit and kick and bite over and over or something...I don't know that so I'm just going on the assumption that they are just normal misbehaving kids? BUT, telling your kids not to play with other kids b/c they snatched a toy, stomped when they didn't get their way, or whatever warranted them being deemed "mean" isn't fair to your kids or those kids. I hope I don't seem like I'm being too witchy...I don't mean to...its just my opinion.

 

Harrison and Jet are typical boys aswel so i know how that mum feels.
and brie on the other hand is exactly like your girls, but it now used to being pushed and hurt.
they generally get along with other kids.

maybe take your girls to playgroup?

 

Mine don't do many playdates I wish they did more. We only do them around naps, I try to never miss a nap unless it's an important doc appoint or something. My advice to make it easier for Arwen is to do them at your house. It's her territory, she knows it so the only difference will be the new child. She might cling for a while but I bet after a bit she will relax.

 

QUOTE(MSB1203 @ Aug 16 2007, 10:58 PM) [snapback]371255[/snapback]
PLEASE, don't take this the wrong way:

I don't think that keeping them away from a kid you see being mean is necessarily a good thing. I mean if the other kids are balling up their fists and hitting other kids in the face or something, I understand. And I see your point, but they will can't run away from "mean" kids forever. Like I said before, my Gracie can be mean, but that doesn't mean she is a bad child. Its probably my fault for not socializing her more when she was younger, and b/c Maddie was very needy for a while and I may have neglected Gracie a little more, so she is less secure than Maddie. I think kids are going to act ugly sometimes, and yes, dare I say be mean. It doesn't mean they are always mean, or a bad child that doesn't deserve to be played with. I guess since my own kids aren't perfect angels (shock, yes I can admit that my kids can be very bad sometimes) then I sympathize with the "mean" kids in the world. Gracie is also very shy, so she is uncomfortable in public, again insecure. I'm just using Gracie as an example. I know if another kid is putting your children in danger then you would want to keep them away, but I just think your statement of "we really shouldn't play with them" is kinda shocking to me. And forgive me if I seem harsh, I don't mean to...maybe these are kids you see repeatedly and they hit and kick and bite over and over or something...I don't know that so I'm just going on the assumption that they are just normal misbehaving kids? BUT, telling your kids not to play with other kids b/c they snatched a toy, stomped when they didn't get their way, or whatever warranted them being deemed "mean" isn't fair to your kids or those kids. I hope I don't seem like I'm being too witchy...I don't mean to...its just my opinion.



In my pervious post I started out by stating how I deal with my girls being around, "other kids who's parents don't set boundaries or rules". I have not yet ended up in a situation where I know the parents and their child has tried to be ruff with my girls, but if I did my girls would most likely fight back.

You need to understand I use that quote because I know my kids will retaliate after a certain point. If they do I have to punish them and in doing so I do not feel that it is fair, as the other kid/kids didn't get punished or anything after being mean to them. I only say the quote when we are in a group where I don't know the other parents and don't feel comfortable with talking to the parents (or can't as some I know don't speak English) or children them selves, mostly at the library. Also I know that the kids I am talking about parent's could care less that their child was not behaving nicely.

When we go to our twins play group I actually never do this. All the parents intervene with everyone else's kids, so I just talk to the kids themselves, theirs or my kids as I know mine can be mean also. Although all the kids are well behaved (as much as they can be) in our twins group as all the parents do intervene and what their children to play nicely with others. If their ever was a bigger problem with another child in the group I would feel comfortable talking to the parent to see how I could help our children to get along better. I have only been to one play date where my girls have actually interacted with the other kids in the twins group, so most of my experiences are from other outings.

It seems like you do care what your children do and when they are misbehaving you intervene. You need to understand that not everyone is like that, especially around here, and I am just trying to let my kids understand that, and in my opinion feel that I am not wrong in doing so.

 

Since she sounds like a mommy that does care it would probably be good for your kiddoes and hers. When we first came here my twins would play with my next door neighbor who's the same age. My boy twin would constantly correct the neighbor boy. The neighbor boy would open and close the sliding door nonstop. Mine would go over and say no and push him away. I was mortified and had to stop him countless times. The neighbor boy would also go into hysterics anytime my ds touched him or pushed him. Eventually my ds stopped being mister bossy and it was good for the neighbor boy as now if he gets knocked down accidentally or if he hits my son or vice versa there isn't hysterics. Basically its taught them both how to get along better and not be so sensitive. And the hitting lol! is getting very rare now. All three are really good friends now.

 

for that age about 30 to 45 minutes is plenty for a playdate.
kids can get overwhelmed when someone new comes that There house and play with There toys. try this: bring a few of your kids toys in a bag or basket that your child would be ok sharing, that way the child whose house it is can see that your child is willing to share as well.

also, when having a playdate at your house. put away any toys that your child may not want anyone else playing with. everyone deserves there OWN stuff and maybe this will avoid some conflicts.

 

We have had our first real playdates only since they turned 2. We have playdates with another set of twins (Juj's kids) and with my sister's son for the most part, sometimes with a friend whose son is a couple of months older. Usually they take place in the AM. Starting around 10 and ending after lunch time (in time for an afternoon nap). We have had a lot of success with the way we do them. HTH.

(My kids were in daycare when they were your kids ages, so we didn't really have the playdates then).