Coping with Absent Parents

My Mom and I have always had a strained relationship (she favors my older sister) and I've always been closer to my Dad. Since they were born, she has come to my home twice to see them. If I need to run an errand I can drop them off with her for an hour--that's the only time she'll see them. She is in a tremendous amount of pain due to divorcing my Dad but this has gone on for five years now...and she favors my sister's children and sees them nearly everyday. She favors my sister who will listen to her endless negativity regarding my father--I am always emphasizing the positive and moving forward and I won't sit and listen to her ugly words about my dad (who is there for me and my family)...When my sister's children were born, they were showered, with love and gifts and all of her attention...my babies are not getting any of that. I called her on it today and she is in denial and thinks there is something wrong with me...anyways, DH and I both agree that she brings nothing but pain and sadness into our lives...and we don't want our babies to feel slighted and not as good as my niece and nephew when Grandma ignores them and doesn't pay attention to them... The hard part is that DH's Mom is gone to cancer and while my father-in-law is wonderful he lives back east. I know we are lucky to have my Dad but it pains me so much that my Mom hasn't even offered to come over and help with a feeding or just sit with me and talk.

Does anyone else have a strained or absent parent in their babies lives? How are you coping?

 

I'm so sorry your relationship with your mom is like that. :hug99:

I don't have any advice though. Maybe it will get better with time and at least you called her on it.

 

:sorry: So Sorry to hear that you are having a rough time. Tell your mom how it makes you feel and how alienated that you are feeling. Does your sister see it the way you see it or does she take your moms side of the situation? Hope things get better soon. :sorry:

April

 

I do. Its very hard.

I had a very serious conversation with her a couple of weeks ago and things are a little better. She is not their "grandma" but more like a distant great aunt. She lives locally and sees them about twice a week but its very uncomfortable when she is here. I just try my best because their other grandma lives in a different country so I don't want them to be without a grandma but like I said she is far from that.

DH would rather she stay far far away, for their sake and mine but thankfully he is respecting me in allowing her to come by.

Here is just a little example (gifts shouldn't matter, but still...)

I had three baby showers. She was late to all of them, 1 of them was with work, she didn't RSVP and didn't bring what the host had asked, nor gave a gift. Second was the family/friends, she didn't bring a gift. 3 was a smaller one a little ways away and gave a gift that my brother gave her to give to me but didn't tell me until the ride home that it was from by brother so everyone thought it was from her. Four weeks later she went on a 2 week cruise through the Bahamas and then stayed in NYC for another week. So, technically she didn't give a single gift to her only daughter's TWIN baby shower, yet went on a luxurious vacation works later.

ouch.

DH and I both agree that one of us is always in the room with her when she is there. The other day I had her change a diaper and came to see her looking out the window while one of the babies was on the changing table not tied down!

 

Dh and I have a somewhat strained relationship with his parents (my In-laws). They do favour his sister and brother over dh. His sister has two children and they have taken them for overnights and helped his sister out whenever she needed it.

But when we were living in the same city as them (from the birth of the babies up until 2.5mnths old), they would come over for an hour here or there, and hold a baby. But no where near the amount of help his sister got. We had asked if they could come over a few times for a later evening shift to let us sleep - and my mil just said no she couldn't stay past 10pm as she just gets too tired - yet she takes my sil's children for overnights all the time (and has since they were infants).

I know its not fair, and it's hard to accept, especially if the children sense it. I think it's good that you talked to her about it because it is the hardest if the kids feel treated unfairly. For us, we ended up moving (not because of these issues), but this has solved the problem so far. Our kids will never see the inequities as we will never live in the same city as the ils again.
Hope things get better for you soon! Big hugs!

 

We have practically no relationship with DH's parents. They live 15 minutes away but never, ever call or see the kids unless it is for a family function (very few per year). Truth be told, I'd just as soon have no relationship at all... it is extremely strained and uncomfortable the few times we do see them. They have always treated DH horribly, completely favor his younger brother and stepbrother...like pp said, gifts shouldn't matter but for my baby shower with my oldest DS they gave us diapers and two onesies. A year later for my BIL and SIL's baby shower they gave them a crib... a little uneven?! There is a lot of history and the bottom line is they have definite mental health issues, but in their minds they have never done any wrong by us. I have two older step-sons and when they were younger my IL's would bad-mouth me and DH to the kids all the time and try to get them to "side" with them! I vowed when we had kids they would never be alone with IL's. THis situation is really, really hard on DH b/c he sees the relationship his parents have with his brothers and wants it, but no matter what he does they treat him like a leper. I refuse to have my kids ever have that feeling and feel like second-class citizens compared to their cousins, so if it ever comes to that we will definitely be done seeing them completely.

Luckily for us, my parents/family is awesome... completley helpful, supportive, always around, so my kids do have a wonderful extended family to rely on.

 

I haven't seen my dad in like 5 years. I wouldn't say the relationship is strained it's just not there.
He sent me some flowers in the hospital but that's it no phone call, nothing.

In my situation, my pops is an addict in active addiction and I know that. I know his current circumstances forbid him from having an adequate part in my life and my kid's lives.
He talks to my brother nearly every day though.

You never know- a lot of parents start to build up guilt and shame, especially if there's a bit of abandonment. And it's really hard for them to come around...

 

oh and on the other side, my ex's mom LOVES the babies but his dad couldn't care less. He met his son when he was 12 and never came back and he died at 32 without seeing his dad in 20 years...

 

I was wondering how some of you deal with this. My biological mother is.... difficult. She has some mental health issues (mostly because she's bipolar and won't take meds) and her new husband is immature and facilitates her mood swings. They married about 6 years ago (about 1 year before my husband and I) and it has been nothing but pain since. With my first pregnancy, which was incredibly rough (3 months of bed rest and had baby at 28 weeks) I never even told her I was pregnant. There was just too much other emotional stress in my life and my blood pressure was already too high with pre-e to deal with her too. Then when my DD passed away, I was in no emotional state to try to care about her feelings. She found out about 3 months later when I decided to do the March of Dimes walk in Claire's honor and several family members passed the form on to her (I guess to give her a hint). She never said ANYTHING about it... no call (and she has my number)... no email (and she has that too)... and didn't say a word to her son who is my closest brother.

So she doesn't know I'm pregnant yet this time, either. But her sister has invited me to dinner this Saturday and supposedly she and her husband will be there. My DH is trying so hard to be supportive and I really want to be able to tell the boys about their grandmother when they arrive in a pleasant way, but I'm not sure it's gonna happen.

To make things more difficult, his parents are.... weird. When we lost Claire, MIL mooned over it and sobbed, saying that she hurt so much worse than I ever could for the loss of her grandbaby.... and then hasn't really spoken to me since. Didn't acknowledge my birthday... mothers day... no holidays. I called her on her birthday and it was a tense 5 minute chat. She rarely shows any interest in my pregnancy, either. FIL is fabulous and calls twice a week at least.

My father's family is fabulous, thankfully, and I have a stepmom who I have LOVED since I was 6. She's my Mom and I'm so glad I have her. But I often wonder if cutting off my biological mother would be best for the kids or trying to allow her some space.

How soon do you think the kids notice if there is family tension? I don't want my boys to have years of therapy all because their grandmother is strange and her husband is a big baby.

Dominique

 

I'm sorry about your situation, I know it is painful. We have a similar situation with our IL's. They just don't care about our babies at all. They live about 50 minutes away and I think have made the drive to see them twice in almost 10 months now. They have never babysat for us, not even once. (We wouldn't let them even if they offered though since they don't usually handle the babies.) It hurts and I don't know how anyone could not want to get to know such sweet little babies!

It's their loss, that's what we always say.

 

I used the same words in my e-mail to my Mom--that I won't stand for my kids being treated like second-class citizens. My Mom has mental health issues as well...It's sad and frustrating...I woke up today feeling awful about the situation...I will still be at fault in her mind for reasons I don't know. Anyways, thank you all for sharing your stories.




quote name='omcc-mom' date='Aug 21 2008, 09:03 AM' post='940557']
We have practically no relationship with DH's parents. They live 15 minutes away but never, ever call or see the kids unless it is for a family function (very few per year). Truth be told, I'd just as soon have no relationship at all... it is extremely strained and uncomfortable the few times we do see them. They have always treated DH horribly, completely favor his younger brother and stepbrother...like pp said, gifts shouldn't matter but for my baby shower with my oldest DS they gave us diapers and two onesies. A year later for my BIL and SIL's baby shower they gave them a crib... a little uneven?! There is a lot of history and the bottom line is they have definite mental health issues, but in their minds they have never done any wrong by us. I have two older step-sons and when they were younger my IL's would bad-mouth me and DH to the kids all the time and try to get them to "side" with them! I vowed when we had kids they would never be alone with IL's. THis situation is really, really hard on DH b/c he sees the relationship his parents have with his brothers and wants it, but no matter what he does they treat him like a leper. I refuse to have my kids ever have that feeling and feel like second-class citizens compared to their cousins, so if it ever comes to that we will definitely be done seeing them completely.

Luckily for us, my parents/family is awesome... completley helpful, supportive, always around, so my kids do have a wonderful extended family to rely on.
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We both have great relationships with our family, but I do have something to add.... My MIL had a very strained relationship with her mother while she was growing up. After she had Jason (my DF) her mothergot a little involved but would rarely babysit. When DF's parents split up, my MIL's mother would take him as my MIL couldnt afford to pay a babysitter. To this day, he has a strained reltaionship with his grandmother, even though she has been over several times and my MIL and her relationship is much better. The reason for this is that he ALWAYS felt that his cousins were favored. He was always served lunch last, never was given the birthday or Christmas presents the same as his cousins, and was always told he was a "bad boy" (He was overly rambuncuous)sp?? But still..... and so Yes the kids DO feel it, he was 3 when his gram started babysitting him and he remembers it. He just always felt like the outcast.....

So theres some perspective in the eyes of the child.....

Shannon

 

I understand how everyone feels here, as I live 4000kms away from my family(who is very involved and loving and supportive) and my IL's are not involved with us very much. My MIL and FIL live a 4 hour drive away, and rarely come to see their only grandchildren. My DH is an only child, and his mother is just not a "child" person. When she comes to visit,she holds the babes for a few minutes, then back in their chairs so she can read her garden books. We moved to this city to be close to DH family, and now we decided to move back to our old town, to have the family support that we want and need. In my eyes, his family is losing out on being a part of the kids lives. Their loss.

 

Yes, my mom is currently not a part of my life. She wasn't much of a mom to me my whole life (she was in and out of my life) and I was so tired of all her drama and illnesses (which she does nothing to improve on) that I decided that there was no point in having the same phone conversations with her over and over and over which were basically focused on her. It hurts me a lot that she was not able to be the grandma I had hoped she would be. I thought after not being a good mother to me and my sisters that she would have her chance to make it up and be a great grandmother but I guess it just wasnt' meant to be. I feel my girls are definately jipped (sp?) but they have my dad who loves them tremendously and we are in the process of trying to sell our house so we can move to Puerto Rico to be close to my ILs who are waiting with open arms to shower our girls with more love than they will know what to do with.

 

I still can't believe that I have a strained relationship with my mom. Growing up we were very close. About 10 years ago she had some kind of mid-life crisis while I was away at school, and hasn't been the same since. I've considered cutting her out completely b/c she hurt my feelings so many times. She lives about an hour away, does not work, and has various mental and physical health problems that are mostly of her own making. She does little to improve her condition other than taking multiple medications/drugs, at least one of which is not legal. She likes to sit around and feel sorry for herself. She came the morning of my c-section but didn't call after that for almost a week. I was struggling with controling high BP and really not feeling well, but she didn't even call to see if we'd been released from the hospital. When I finally called her, she barely asked about how we were doing and then went on and on about some stupid situation her idiot boyfriend was dealing with. She blew through an inheritance of over 200K in less than 4 years (bought two brand new cars during that time) and then had the nerve to ask us for money.

I just talked to her on Sunday (her birthday) and she tried to put a guilt trip on me for not bringing the babies to see her. She goes two months without even calling and then expects me to feel bad that I don't drive my 10 month old twins an hour to go and see her???? She does absolutely nothing all day but we need to take time out of our weekend to go visit her. Of course she can't afford the gas it takes to drive her BRAND NEW sports car out here, but we're totally rich (NOT!) so we should give all the time and money and work to visit while she shouldn't be expected to do anything. Whatever.

I have not talked to her about how angry I've been with her b/c quite frankly she would just shut down and make it all about her and how hard her life is blah blah blah. Then she'd probably not talk to me and blame me for the whole thing. Unfortunately it's not just an issue of her not giving enough attention to the girls, it's an issue of her having a totally messed up life and priorities and always wanting to play the victim. Having a talk with her is not going to change that. I have chosen to just not expect much, and although it makes me terribly sad, it's just the way it is. I thank God every day for my wonderful in-laws and the love and attention that they shower on the babies. They are the best grandparents ever. I try to focus on the positive. At some point my mom might do something bad enough that I'll have to lay it all out and let her know what I really think, but that will likely be the last conversation we have so for now I just accept things the way they are.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I know how much it hurts.

Jen

 

:hug99: to you all! It is painful. My biological father and I have not spoken in over ten years, I wish I knew what happened. He just dropped out of my life-he stopped taking my calls-despite living 5 minutes away from me at the time. He has never met DH and has never met the babies and probably would not even care. He still sees my Mom (his ex-wife, mind you) and never asks her about me or anything. She does not offer any info either. I am fortunate that Mom remarried a wonderful man who has been the father I never had and he is a wonderful grandfather to the babies. I wish I knew the deal with biological dad, it makes me angry to think he uninvolved he has been in my life and has two beautiful grandchildren that he will apparently never know about.
Both of DH's parents are deceased. MIL died in 1991 suddenly from a stroke and FIL died in 2006, a few months before DH got married. It is very sad that they are not with us because DH said that they would have been thrilled to be grandparents.