Constant fighting and bickering

My twins are wearing me down. They are in a phase of constant bickering and fighting, it starts while they get dressed in the morning and goes on all day and often escalates into fights where they really hurt oneanother. On the other hand they can play together very peacefully and with lots of creativity.
 
They are in separate classrooms in pre-school/K but share lunch time, outdoor play time etc. and the teachers tell me they are always peaceful and friendly to oneanother there.
 
I have tried ignoring the bickering and tattling that inevitably follows, asking them to work it our themselves or offering to moderate a solution if there is a real conflict and not just something like "she looked at me". When they start fighting I remind them of the house rules (no hitting, no kicking, stop when someone says it hurts) and separate them for a cool-off period.
 
Any strategies or ideas to try? DH and I are going crazy because we really want a peaceful and friendly atmosphere at home.
 
BTW. I have ordered Siblings without Rivalry.
 
 

 

June, I am in the same boat.  My kids got along better when they were in the same classroom in kindergarten than they do now in separate classrooms in first grade.  They bicker so much lately.  Both my husband and I are very frustrated with it.  We are doing the same as you and your husband, reminding them of house rules and separating them for cool off periods.  I don't know if it's just a phase they are going through or what the deal is.  

 

I was going to suggest Siblings Without Rivalry - it's a fantastic book and I've found the principles and tools really helpful in our home.

 

Rachel, I think I am going to have to order that.  Bob and his two sisters are all close in age (the youngest is younger than him by 8 years) and he does not remember arguing with them like my two argue.  My brothers are way older than me, so it's was pretty much me being annoyed by them telling me what to do.  So this type of bickering is new to me. 

 

I'd love to know what you both think of the book once you've read it.

 

My kids have been going through this as well. Here are a couple of things that worked for us.  When they are arguing about a toy, they have to resolve the arguments themselves.  If they come to me or DH to resolve it, we take the toy in question away and neither of them gets to play with it.  If they are whining I just look at them and don't say anything.  They usually give up or rephrase their issue in a real voice and then we will respond.  We had a lot of trouble over the summer with aggression between them.  Nothing serious, but a pinch or poke and things like that.  We were so tired of it and told them if there is any sort of hitting or pushing, they would lose a stuffed animal of our choice and wouldn't get it back.  My son lost two and nothing since that first week.  Stuffed animals are big deals for my kids and that worked for us. 
 
I have never heard of that book and might need to put it on my reserve list at the Library and check it out.  I don't think this will be the last phase they go through like this.

 

It is good to know we are not the only ones.

I will try to remember to check-back into this thread when I have read it.

 

Rachel, I will check back in.  I will be ordering it with an amazon gift card tonight.

 

My girls go through periods of this.  The worst punishment (and its a natural consequence of fighting with each other) is to make them play apart.  OMG the threat of separating them is usually enough to get them to come to some resolution.  If they continue to fight they get separated (they can go play or read a book in different rooms).  If they are fighting over a particular toy or book and can't work it out themselves, the toy/book goes in time out and no one gets to play with it for a period of time (after a warning to work it out or lose it).  They are getting better about mediating things on their own and rarely are physical with each other out of anger now that they are older.  
 
Good luck!

 

Rachel and Nancy, my copy of Siblings Without Rivalry has arrived and I have nearly finished reading it. It was a quick read, but implementing the ideas I like will be a lot more work:
 
I definitely need to work on verbalizing and acknowledging emotions - I hardly ever talk about my emotions and I am not very good at talking about emotions with the kids. For my DD that change would probably make a huge difference, on many levels not only regarding siblings relations because she is pretty verbal about her emotions and I have a hard time listening (I mean really listening) and responding.
I will also try not to divide my attention so much, even if it's just for a few minutes every day.

 

Glad you've found some tools to try! Acknowledging feelings has made such a massive difference in our house. It makes sense once you think about how we like to be treated when we're upset but in the moment a child is having strong feelings it seems instinctual to try and downplay the situation so you can move on with your day. That inevitably has the opposite effect in our house.