Consequences for 4 Year Olds

It is a constant struggle with my 4yo. A huge battle of wills, a fight every day. His behavior is getting out of control! Sometimes I wonder if he doesn't have a form or ADHD or hyperactivity since he is constantly going going going. He is smarter, faster, louder than any other child I have ever known.

But this brings me to a problem. I am having a hard time finding discipline that works with him. TO's don't work. Spanking doesn't work. Sending him to his room doesn't work. He doesn't have much in the way of toys that I can take away and it would matter. Now, in the last few days I decided to try the website "Handipoints" that is a positive reward/points/chores system for behavior and tasks. He seems to be responding well since he does LOVE to play games on the computer. It's about the only thing I have found to "threaten" him with and he seems to care. He likes to earn the points (for mundane things like eating his veggies, or chores like taking out the trash) and he likes to play the game as a reward. YAY...maybe I found something!

So, just a little bit ago he flat out told me a bold face lie. He said he was going to his room to play. Ok...weird for him. But, ok. So I called back to check on him and he came out and said he was playing and was fine. I thought it was strange (he does not usually play quietly anywhere) so I went to check on him and I found him in my DH's office!! He knows he is not to be in there playing at the desk with computer equipment etc. He jumped up guilty as sin and started apologizing. Well, in this case it seemed a little pointless to go take a "point away" on his handipoints. He needed something more severe and immediate for this bad behavior. I sent him to his room until dinner (will be about 1.5 hours).

Now this is where I wonder....what kind of consequences do you have for your bad behaving kids? Is 1.5 hours in their room too much? Like I said, he is not typical. He is very mature for his age. So I think he could probably handle it. Would you have just stuck to the new system and taken a point away? Is that enough when its something so blatant and rude?

Anyhow, I'm sorry this got long. I'm just really struggeling on what to do with him. I want to find something that is effective and consistent. I want the punishment to fit the crime. Thanks ahead for any thoughts.

 

Well, I let him out of his room. He spent about 45 mins in there. Then I told him I would take his points away for his game and he can't play tonight. *sigh*

 

I think 90 minutes is excessive. Kids have a hard time controlling impulses, and even though he knew it was wrong, I'm sure once he had the idea to go on there, he had a hard time restraining himself. Self-restraint takes quite a while to learn, and quite a bit longer if he really has ADHD (not saying he does, but you mentioned the possibility). one of the hallmarks of this disorder is impulsivity. I think redirection, clarification of the rules, and taking the point away from the game he likes would probably get the point across as effectively or more than an hour and a half in his room. I have found rewards to be a much better motivator for my two than punishment as a rule. They are 3 1/2. HTH!

 

What works best for us is taking coveted things away. For Nadia, that's TV, and also going out for ice cream after ballet class. We also take away the bedtime story occasionally (I hate to do this, but it's effective). We never take away her lovey, because it would be too traumatic.

Incidentally, I don't think being sent to the bedroom for 1.5 hours until dinner is excessive, and I think it was reasonable for the "crime" in this case. But I guess it depends on the kid. It wouldn't be punishment at all for my DD, because she loves to play alone in her room for hours anyway...

 

Your son sounds a lot like my daughter who my dh and wonder sometimes if she doesn't have some form of ADHD (but she is very good in school it's just when she is home). The same punishments you have mentioned don't work on her either. I probably would've done the same thing and sent him to his room too and then taken away the points. I don't think that's to long of a time. I will have to try the reward points and the use of the computer for her and maybe that will work. Last night I sent her to bed 10min early since I didn't know what else to do since she was out of control (she didn't like it since her sister got to stay up). She didn't like that at all. So hopefully we will have a better day with her. I would keep up with the point system but for more severe things maybe take away a point and send him to his room or something else. I would also throw in a nice long talk too and why that wasn't a good thing to do is lie.

 

I also have a 4 yr old (5 in January) who is very active. He is also very mature for his age. I have also been thinking lately that he may have ADHD, but he doesnt really have a hard time focusing or an attention deficit.. it is mainly hyperactivity.. it just started about a month or so ago.

He is constantly moving, trying to wrestle with siblings, jumping around... just always doing SOMETHING!!

Time outs kind of work for him, b/c he doesnt really get into trouble often, so when he has to go to timeout he gets really upset/angry, and he will scream and stomp his feet ( i think he may also have anger issues)
I havent implemented any specific discipline system for him, but we are moving in a week to our own place, where I will be the only authority figure (right now my mother and I are constantly bumping heads, to put it nicely, regarding the childrens discipline/ or lack of)

So, I do plan on doing a reward system for my children as well, mainly my son. He really needs some positive reinforcement, and hopefully it will help him calm down. I will probably use his V Motion that he will be getting for Christmas as a reward/ or something to take away. I will probably still use time outs for smaller things...

Sorry, I guess this was more to let you know Im right there with you.. rather than to give suggestions.
Hope you figure something out.

 

I think you handled it well. There's no rule that says you can't change the consequence in the middle of it. I send my kids up to long time outs, and then let them "work" their way down. He's old enough for extra chores. I do agree, though, that it's probably a better idea to take something away. Even if you have to "invent something" to take away. You can say...we were just going to go to McDonald's for a snack, but since you were sneaky and doing what you were not supposed to do, now we cannot go. :hug: Discipline is never fun!

 

I haven't read through all the other replies, but from your 2 posts alone I can tell you this much:

1) You are not consistent. Trying 50 different things won't work - using 1 or 2 things and using those ALL THE TIME...will work.
For us we use 2 things: scriptural, loving discipline ("spanks") and sometimes rewards or losing rewards. (mild offenses)
And if we preface an instruction with "if you don't obey ------ WILL happen"...it DOES happen.
He needs to know that there is always an unpleasant consequence to his actions - ALL THE TIME.


2) You need to follow through - otherwise you are letting HIM train you!!

That is why you can't give your son empty threats like, "If you don't stop screaming, I am never taking you to the store AGAIN!" or " I'm counting to 3, then I am leaving you here!", or "You are staying in your room till supper" if you CAN'T actually follow through.
You say he very smart for his age. Well, even a 2 year old could figure out what is actually going to happen. If you give him a count down to when he is supposed to obey....do you expect him to obey at #1? No, he will obey at maybe #5 or #6 or whenever he decides to obey. I am just using that as an example.

We started teaching our kids obedience from a very very early age. I can probably count on 1 hand how many times our 3 year olds have EVER had a foot stomping temper. They see kids at stores throwing all our FITS and throwing themselves around and hitting their parents - and they say, "that boy isn't obeying his mommy is he? He needs to have a spank!"

I am not saying that spanking is the only way - I am just telling you what we do. And it works because we take TIME to do it....it's not a dragging the kid, kicking and screaming, hitting them on the backside and yelling at them...it's a process and a routine. 100% of time the kids leave the room afterward with a smile, and they happily go back to playing. It's peaceful and done in love.
I just thought I would say that.

My kids are not perfect and I don't expect them to be perfect. But we do expect them to obey our voices and obey even when no one is watching them. They know full well that there are always consequences when they don't obey.
And if you think that putting him in his room for 1.5 was torture...it's not. My kids have 2.5 - 3 hour naps and they will be 4 in March. It is not excessive in my opinion. But it becomes fruitless if you can't follow through.
You are letting him train you!!!!! He won't take you seriously until you give him an opportunity to.

 

QUOTE
1) You are not consistent. Trying 50 different things won't work - using 1 or 2 things and using those ALL THE TIME...will work.


I agree.

However, I do think 1.5 hours is excessive for a four year old. I give them 5 minutes and take away a privilige. And there's always a talk. (Sometimes I think the thought of that talk makes them behave themselves :lol And it works. Quick, immediate and consistent discipline has worked for us so far, and even though my kids are full of energy, it's rare they misbehave to the extent that I have to give them more than a warning. Just knowing they're going to the corner is enough to make them stop. We don't send them to their room... bedrooms are supposed to be safe and happy places IMO, not somewhere they're banished to for bad behavior.


Edited: Sp.