Confusing feelings....

I have no clue if any of this will make sense, but....I'll give it a try.

I am having trouble 'bonding' with two babies in my belly. I have always talked to my babes - and I talk with this pregnancy, but I just can't accept that I WILL bring two babies home. I have this awful fear that one of the babies is no longer alive and I just can't shake it. So, I just talk to one. I can't decipher movement to tell if there are two moving - honestly it feels no different than my singletons. The last appt the OB said she heard one heartbeat and one cord pulse, she is seeing me again this Thursday and my u/s is on the 19th.

Anyway........I just can't see to connect with two babies! No matter what I do, when I think of being pg, I don't think of being pg with twins.

Is this because I've just not had the reassurance that all is okay??????????? Or is this 'normal'????


*sigh* This is the most stressful pregnancy ever for various reasons - the twins, the lack of health care that I can't even seem to fight for, the fact our house is not built and likely won't even be ready for us when the babes arrive (we have no clue where we'll be living by the end of August)....*sigh*

I'm usually a happy person but I'm not happy right now.

 

It's definitely hard to imagine having two. There are still times that I look at my two girls and say, "I can't believe that I have two!" But I think when you have that reassurance that there are two in there, you will feel a lot better. For me, I was so scared of losing one or both of the girls the entire pregnancy..that's just mother nature I believe. My husband even refused to talk about names until the girls were born because he didn't want to think about the possibility of getting attached and then me losing the pregnancy. So, many people handle these types of issues in different ways. For some, the reality just doesn't hit until they have those two precious babies in their arms. Don't get down on yourself or make yourself feel guilty, you have enough pressure on you now as it is..don't add more pressure by thinking you should feel a certain way. However, once you have that reassurance that there is indeed two in your belly, you can start making plans to help yourself into that reality...go buy two outfits, or start planning for two names...something to help you realize that you have to start planning for two...maybe that will help you. It's a HUGE adjustment and it doesn't happen overnight. Give yourself time to adjust!! :hug: It's okay to have mixed emotions!!

 

:hug: Be kinder to yourself Momma! You have a lot on your plate, raising three children and dealing with the ins mess and the house mess - not to mention how worried you must be right now about your babies!! That's a long time to have to wait and see if everything is okay. I'm sorry you are going through that but just know that sometimes it is really hard to hear both heartbeats depending on the positioning of the babies. If it helps, I could never tell where one baby left off and another began either. My twin pregnancy felt exactly the same to me as my singleton pregnancy - except that I was huge!! Try not to put extra pressure on yourself as far as how you should feel, you really don't need that. When you see them both on that ultrasound you will feel tons better!!

eited because I can not type today!!

 

Thanks ladies! Rachel - that's how i am with names and buying stuff. I dont' even want people who are lending me things to pass them to me yet - wait. Wait. Wait I say. Sheryl - I'm glad you mentioned not noticing a difference between the twins and singleton. My gf here said she noticed a HUGE HUGE obvious difference in movement - it freaked me out even more....

I am not normally a freakout person - this is just sooooo strange for me!

Thanks for responding. Obviously I am over reacting - over 70 views of the thread and only 2 responses! LOL

 

I agree with the other posts ~ hang in there!! :hug:
I would imagine that your thoughts of just one are coming from your past pregnancies & it makes sense to you. I actually didn't quite get used to the idea of twins until mine were a few months old!!! :lol:
Good luck at your appointment on thursday & keep us posted :grouphug:

 

I totally felt the same way. I just was not connected and hated being pregnant. If it was not for my TS Big Sister (Utopia122) I do not think I would have made it through. But something happened when the babies were born.

When Jonathan came out, my heart melted....The David had a little scare and it was over. I was a mama bear...

You will be too,
Jenn

 

:hug: I hope that all is well with you & babies. Things will turn for the better..you'll see. Hang in there!

 

Tamika- I am a TOTAL freak-out person when it comes to pregnancy. I soooo get where you are coming from. In fact, the other night I went to L&D because I was sure one of my babies wasn't moving... fortunately I was wrong, and was totally reassured by a two hour session on the NST monitors and a quick ultrasound. I am having a hard time imagining TWO newborns at once.

 

You are not alone! I have similar feelings!

I am almost 10 weeks along with IVF twins -- I was almost 40 when I persued a chance at IVF because I wanted ONE more baby -- I have a DD who is almost 7 and had been trying to have another for a while. I knew we had a shot at twins (we tranferred 3 embryos because of my age) but never thought two would stick -- I just assumed it would be nothing or one!

So when we were told it was twins, I admit I was not happy. I cried all that night. My "image" of one more baby, my fantasy of our perfect 2-child family, was lost. I was freaking out -- how would we afford TWO babies? Could we fit them in our tiny house? What would happen to my DD and her life if I have to take care of two? How would I ever GO OUT of the house because two do not fit in a shopping cart and I'd need more baby stuff like a double stroller, etc? Am I too OLD for this? As you can see, it was (and still is) terrifying to me!

As a result, I have had a difficult time adjusting to this whole thing. I'm worried about twin pregnancy complications and all those other issues. We haven't told anyone yet (other than my parents) because we are waiting until 12 weeks pass. We are planning on breaking the news to DD when her school year ends that week, and then we will tell everyone else.

So right now I'm in limbo -- mentally adjusting to my new state, not really "bonding" yet with what's going on inside, dealing with my first trimester tiredness and morning sickness and figuring out what twists and turns my new life will take!

Right now, I'm just taking it day by day... I'm trying to reassure myself that my life will not be over and I can handle two infants at once. Having an only child for so long was wonderful in many ways, and I was able to feel in control of my life. Perhaps that's why I'm so torn over this little surprise: my "control freak" nature is already trying to figure out how I can handle the future blessings...

So you are not alone! I'm confused too, but perhaps in a slightly different way.

 

When I was pregnant with the girls, I felt like I was pregnant with one big octopus. I could not tell where the girls were - just that I felt movements here there and everywhere. i I also kept feeling like something was wrong with one of them and could not fathom bringing 2 babies home. I also kept dreaming that they were anything but babies, in my dreams they were lobsters or kittens. I also had 3 kids before my twins and the thought of going from 3 to 5 was very overwhelming. I think your feelings are normal. PLUS You have alot going on right now besides a twin pregnancy (which is enough by itself!). cut yourself some slack!

 

Thanks everyone! it helps just to 'get it out' sometimes! Thanks for listening and sharing your stories!

Last night I had a dream about the babes where THEY were moving - I knew for sure and they were doing this turning thing that HURT! LOL My subconscious reassuring me perhaps??

 

:hug: Momma! I had the same feelings when I was pregnant with my girls and it didn't really sink in that they were mine to keep until they came home from the NICU. I hope everything is fine with you and your babies! So glad that your subconscious is reassuring you!! GL! :hug:

 

Don't be so hard on yourself! When I was pregnant, though I knew there was two in there, I still felt like there was one and it took me sometime before I could say there were babies in there. I really needed the pregnancy to proceed further and believe that everything was okay before I felt comfortable with two little people hanging out in there. Twins are a huge adjustment! :hug:

 

QUOTE(Kellie_M @ Jun 7 2009, 09:31 AM) [snapback]1344658[/snapback]
You are not alone! I have similar feelings!

I am almost 10 weeks along with IVF twins -- I was almost 40 when I persued a chance at IVF because I wanted ONE more baby -- I have a DD who is almost 7 and had been trying to have another for a while. I knew we had a shot at twins (we tranferred 3 embryos because of my age) but never thought two would stick -- I just assumed it would be nothing or one!

So when we were told it was twins, I admit I was not happy. I cried all that night. My "image" of one more baby, my fantasy of our perfect 2-child family, was lost. I was freaking out -- how would we afford TWO babies? Could we fit them in our tiny house? What would happen to my DD and her life if I have to take care of two? How would I ever GO OUT of the house because two do not fit in a shopping cart and I'd need more baby stuff like a double stroller, etc? Am I too OLD for this? As you can see, it was (and still is) terrifying to me!

As a result, I have had a difficult time adjusting to this whole thing. I'm worried about twin pregnancy complications and all those other issues. We haven't told anyone yet (other than my parents) because we are waiting until 12 weeks pass. We are planning on breaking the news to DD when her school year ends that week, and then we will tell everyone else.

So right now I'm in limbo -- mentally adjusting to my new state, not really "bonding" yet with what's going on inside, dealing with my first trimester tiredness and morning sickness and figuring out what twists and turns my new life will take!

Right now, I'm just taking it day by day... I'm trying to reassure myself that my life will not be over and I can handle two infants at once. Having an only child for so long was wonderful in many ways, and I was able to feel in control of my life. Perhaps that's why I'm so torn over this little surprise: my "control freak" nature is already trying to figure out how I can handle the future blessings...

So you are not alone! I'm confused too, but perhaps in a slightly different way.


This is SO me! I'm having trouble bonding with my twins because I'm not that happy there are 2. And I conceived mine on Clomid, so I knew there was a 10% chance, but come on! I had a 90% chance of just having one - it didn't even really occur to me it would happen! Oh, and my older child will be 3 when they are born...

 

LOL try having a totally unexpected pregnancy (well, unexpected in that we were using condoms and didn't say "Let's have another one!") and end up with twins!!!!!!!!!!!

In a way I'm glad we didn't find out til 21wks -I'd already come to terms with having another child - to toss in the twins as my husband said "What are ya gonna do???"

My girlfriend was like you guys - she had IVF with three embryo transfers - her endo was so severe it was a less than 5% chance even two would 'take'. All three took......she now has 4yr old triplets! LOL

 

QUOTE(ChaoticMum @ Jun 7 2009, 01:18 PM) [snapback]1344881[/snapback]
LOL try having a totally unexpected pregnancy (well, unexpected in that we were using condoms and didn't say "Let's have another one!") and end up with twins!!!!!!!!!!!


This was me!! Except I was on birth control, just finished up my last semester of college and had gotten my first teaching job, had to go through an internship while pregnant with twins. I had interviewed and gotten hired one month before knowing I was pregnant, then had to go back and tell my principal.."surprise, I'm pregnant..oh, yeah and by the way with twins"...I was in shock and didn't know how I was going to handle the year. But it all worked out and will work out for all of you ladies!! It's just so darn scary!!

 

Oh I so feel ya and yup ours were a surprise too that took some getting used to. I finally got used to the idea and have been freaking out a lot again lately, the logistics of having 3 under 18 months will be insane and I'm already on my way there, LOL!

I have to say that I don't think I ever truly bonded with my babies until the second they came out. To me it is (still) always inconceivable that there is an actual baby in there. I guess I always tend to keep them in one of the earlier stages in my mind and am always amazed at how "baby-like" they actually are when they come out. K that sounds totally crazy but it's true. I think that's why I never really bond too early with them. Despite that I have never had any trouble bonding afterwards, in fact I get too attached so I wouldn't worry. We are all different and bond differently and at different times.

Hang in there, we can all make it. I hope your appointment will be able to set your mind at ease! You deserve it! :hug:

 

QUOTE(Utopia122 @ Jun 7 2009, 02:16 PM) [snapback]1345015[/snapback]
This was me!! Except I was on birth control, just finished up my last semester of college and had gotten my first teaching job, had to go through an internship while pregnant with twins. I had interviewed and gotten hired one month before knowing I was pregnant, then had to go back and tell my principal.."surprise, I'm pregnant..oh, yeah and by the way with twins"...I was in shock and didn't know how I was going to handle the year. But it all worked out and will work out for all of you ladies!! It's just so darn scary!!



LOL I was still on mat leave with my last baby and had to call my boss to tell him I was coming back early, they were so happy...sorry but there's a catch...I'm pregnant again and this time it's twins so I'll only be back for a couple months to qualify for mat leave again. Fun times eh? Boy was I the gossip around work (still am) for quite some time.

 

There is only 16mths between my boys and ya - I remember telling people when he was about 10mths old that we were pregnant again.....you for sure get looks!

 

QUOTE(ChaoticMum @ Jun 7 2009, 10:00 PM) [snapback]1345050[/snapback]
There is only 16mths between my boys and ya - I remember telling people when he was about 10mths old that we were pregnant again.....you for sure get looks!


Well, I'll be soliciting the looks because I actually want my kids to be close in age and I dont plan on waiting too long after these two before we start trying for another (I hated having no siblings near my age -- brothers are 14 years younger). My husband wants more. I'm 32 years old and I told him that he has until I'm 35 to get as many in as he can in the next three years. After 35, I'm shutting down shop for good! I fully intend to get my tubes tied, a tummy tuck and a breast reduction, and I plan to be yummy mummy for the rest of my days thereafter! :woohoo:

 

Tamika...thank you for posting this post! And for all of you who have responded....I'm literally in tears at work right now, but you all give us hope that its all going to be ok and things work out!

Thank you.

 

You're welcome!

 

I know the feeling, darling. I, too, found out at about 20 weeks (I'm 21wks now :huh, and it was hard to "add" another baby to my thoughts and daydreams. It was a big shock after finally feeling ready and confident about becoming a mother. It felt like going back to square one, but with more on my plate! Hang in there, things always work itself out.

 

There are probably a lot more people who understand how you feel than you can imagine. My twin pregnancy was my first and very carefully planned and antipated--that is until the big surpirse that I was getting two babies instead of just one. I have to say it was hard to grasp even for months after the birth (the first three months are all a blurr), but one thing that did help me a lot was reading Mothering Multiples. I'm so glad I read that while I was pregnant. It really helped me imagine what life would be like with two babies instead of just one. We spend our whole lives imagining them coming one at a time, it takes a while to change that mental model.

 

My twins were a surprise pregnancy too, but DH had a steady job so we thought one more would be fine. When I was around 3 months pregnant DH got laid off unexpectedly and then at around 22 weeks along we got the news that we would be having 2 babies, not 1! It was very hard to think about at first, a part of me was excited, but mostly I was really worried about how we would handle it financially. I was also totally freaked out about something going wrong with the pregnancy so like you I had a very hard time getting emotionally attached to two babies.

Before I even knew it was twins I felt movement in a lot of different places and thought it was kind of strange because the baby would have been so small at that point, still never guessed it would have been twins though. As they got bigger there were a lot of times that I couldn't feel one baby move or even tell who was moving and that was very worrisome. Where I live it was standard procedure to have lots of appointments and ultrasounds with twins so seeing them always comforted me. I did end up having some problems happen in the last few weeks of my pregnancy, but in the end things turned out fine. I believe in God and think that he never gives us more than we can handle.

You have a lot on you plate right now, I really don't think you should feel guilty about not being able to get attached. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

 

Thanks ladies. I know it doesn't help when i hear all about everyone who is getting so much 'more' in regards to monitoring - i am not one for interventions - but I'd like to know that my babes are growing, kwim???

 

QUOTE(ChaoticMum @ Jun 9 2009, 02:10 AM) [snapback]1346781[/snapback]
Thanks ladies. I know it doesn't help when i hear all about everyone who is getting so much 'more' in regards to monitoring - i am not one for interventions - but I'd like to know that my babes are growing, kwim???


Where are you? The "mum" in your name makes me think you are out of the US. Prenatal care varies around the world. Sometimes in the US we get a little over hysterical. Yes, there are tons of things that could go wrong and it's best to keep an eye out for them. But just because some people on here are getting a lot more monitoring it doesn't mean your care isn't good. But also no one else is going to advocate for you. Mention to your doctor that you've been reading up on twin pregnancies and that more care seems to be the norm. See what he/she says in response and if you feel your doctor is taking this too lightly push for what you want.

 

I'm sure it's harder to accept that you have two babies inside if you've been pregnant with one before. I'm in the opposite situation - I had my twins 2 years ago and I'm expecting a singleton in August.

When I was pregnant with my boys, I only ever seemed to feel Evan (the lower twin) move. I never asked at the time, but now I wonder if James' placenta was on the front and therefore absorbing a lot of his movements.

Even though I was told we were expecting twins very early (7 weeks), and I named the babies early (12 weeks) and I felt as though I was bonding with them, I can honestly say that I never fully absorbed the fact that THERE WERE TWO BABIES until I gave birth to them and the nurses handed them over. Then it sank it - OMG, we have two babies!

I hope you're feeling better soon.