Competing over everything!

I have identical twin boys that are almost eight years old. To get straight to the point, they compete and argue over almost everything. I have a sister that is a year older than I am so I realize that there is going to be some sibling rivalry...but they will argue over the smallest things. I am a stay at home father and am hugely involved in my children's lives and want them to be ambitous and determined to do the things they attempt well; however I also want them to know the difference between having drive and the need to always be right. Any suggestions anyone could give me would be much appreciated.

 

I sure wish I could offer some good advice but my 9 yo fraternal girls are doing the same thing. It is driving me crazy.

 

Sorry I don't have any advice, as mine are younger than yours and are competing for everything everyday. I was actually hoping that when my boys are 8 years old, they would stop competing with each other and develop their own interests, friends, and hobbies.

Actually, speaking of sibling rivalry, we recently went through a family crisis of sorts when one of my boys got into a special program at school and the other didn't. It wasn't based on test scores or grades, but it was by lottery. Of course, the one who didn't get in was very upset and was too young to understand why he couldn't go to the special program when his brother could. My husband and I were upset because this was a very good program and just in a matter of weeks, we could see one of them advancing in his reading soooo much faster than his brother. We thought this was so unfair and worried about the academic difference this would produce between them. We talked to the administration about how it wasn't fair to have one twin but not the other twin in such a program, but they said everybody had the same chance of getting in by lottery, twin or no-twin. The only thing we can do is to pull our son out of the special program, so that neither would get the advantage.

After alot of soul-searching, my DH and I came to the conclusion that WE were the ones who were not ok with our twins not being equal. We have been so careful about treating both equally, about giving both the same amount of everything, that we had inadvertently created a situation where we taught the twins to expect the same treatment all the time. And any real or perceived difference in our treatment or in their achievement was upsetting to them, because they could sense that it was upsetting to US. So we, as parents of twins, are just learning to accept the fact that it's ok for us to treat our children differently, to give them different things, to expect different things from them, and for the world to treat them differently, because if we are not ok with it, they will never be ok getting different things from life.

Sorry to go on and on about this. Your post made me realize that this is potentially an issue that we'll deal with for years and years to come.

 

Mine are a bit younger, but we have similar issues. Ours compete about everything, from who ties his shoe faster to who reads better at school. We separated them at school for this precise reason. We knew they would drive the teacher and other students batty with the constant competition. When they get spun up at home, we remind them that X isn't a competition.

We have also backed away from the everything equal approach. Sure, it was necessary in the toddler and preschool years to keep the peace. Now we talk about differences and being ok with them. We seek out separate friend opportunities. We're thrilled when they get separate birthday party invitations or play invitations from friends in their class.

How much do you do separate activities individually? We find it hard to do (time, jealousy, etc), but it makes a huge difference when we just do it. Do they have separate sports or after-school activities? Do you encourage them to? Ours are more relaxed about trying if away from the eagle eye of his brother.

 

I have to agree with the PPer's. Including time apart. Like Cathy mine are in separate classes, and a lot of that is to keep them from being compared to each other on a constant basis--because that does foster the "I don't like that he is better than me" attitude. I think it has paid off and I can see it in baseball, where they are on the same team. The are talking about letting the kids start to pitch in preparation for next year, and Marcus' first comment, was that Jon would be a great pitcher (he is good at pitching), and how that will help their team.

I do love it when they support each other, especially without beating each other up to do so!

 

As a mom of younger twins 2.5, just wondering if this is something you saw with your kids from an early age or did it develop later? Any other tips on trying to avoid it?
Thanks