Clingy or jeaulous?

Our twins are about to turn 3 and DD really is a handful at the moment, a mix of several behaviours that are difficult for me to handle and huge emotional outbursts that are more than she can handle. What I would like advice for is the following: She has turned very - for lack of a better word I will say - clingy and jeaulous. Situations like the following are happening all day at our house:

1. We are all going up or down the stairs. I ask if the children want help or if they will go alone because our stairs are steep although the children can manage them with the banister. DS takes my hand and moves with me. DD says no to my offered hand and stands at the top of the stairs, once I am nearly down she will start asking for my hand. If I calmly tell her I am already downstairs and will wait for her at the bottom "to keep her safe", then shouting, then crying and a full tantrum follows. This will happen several times a day. She is not willing to accept one hand for her and one for her brother (the way it always used to be), no she wants me to walk the stairs with them individually. Obviously, this might be great exercise for me, but it is not happening. On worse days she wants to be carries up and down the stairs "like a baby".
2. I am serving dinner, my hands are full. I tell them dinner is ready. DS runs and sits at the table, DD stands in the kitchen and asks for my hand. Again, if I tell her to come along, a tantrum will follow and last until the rest of the family has finished their meal.
3. I sit down on the floor to play with them. DD stops playing and sits on me, cuddling me so posessively that I can hardly move, let alone play with DS.
4. I sit down to do something or read with DS, she comes and gets pretty rough with her brother, tries to substitute her choice of book for his, push him of my lap etc. I tell her she can either join us and listen to DS' choice nicely or wait and have her turn alone afterwards, that she can choose the next book, that I have one knee for each child to sit on etc.
5. She will often say "my mommy" and then DS will say "my mommy too" and she will say "no, only mine" and get mad when I explain that I am mommy to both of them and that mommy has enough love for both of them.

From the beginning, we have talked about and shown them what to share and take turns means. But lately, DD is having none of that. She always wants to be the first, to have her needs met immediately, to make all the choices etc. We always announce before whose turn it is to sit in the preferred seat, choose a book or activity etc. and stick to our routines of sharing and taking turns. But it is not working with her at the moment.

I try and spend time with her alone when DH is there or do a few minutes of one-on-one time with each child during the day, because she really seems to need it right now and I prefer to give her positive attention. If she has my full attention or goes somewhere alone with me, she is interested, helpful, sweet and on model behaviour. If she does not, she will do anything to get at least negative attention or ensure that I cannot engage positively with anyone else either. DH's attention will not do and DS is really suffering from this. Ignoring her just makes the tantrum so bad that she is close to vomiting or seriously hurting herself (for example hurtling herself down the aforementioned stairs), and she then needs me to calm down and get a grip on her feelings. TO alone does not work for her.

In many ways her behaviour is what I would expect from a single child if I were pregnant or there was a new baby. I am at a loss. I feel there is some real need underneath this, but I cannot give in on this all the time. Any ideas?

 

Wow, I was about to post this about my DS who is almost 4 YO
I tried TO, raising my voice but the best works when I say he has 2 choices(join us/wait for his turn etc. or go sit and relax) and walk away.
I think it is attention seeking mode that he is in right now and it shall pass. He is very smart and this also could be him finding out about his emotions and how his emotions affect us so he is testing us
I believe this phase will pass shortly.
Don't give in and keep your grounds, she will eventuality get it.

 

Oh yes, I've been there. Still am, to some degree. One of my daughters started getting quite possessive of me at about three and it was so frustrating. You can sometimes prevent the tantrums by proactively spending one on one time before you sense a meltdown coming. For example, mid morning, take DD aside to cuddle and read just her a book and then DS gets a turn. Sometimes that was enough to stop the possessiveness for my daughter (but sometimes not, I'll be honest). I tried everything, but found that time outs, explaining and reasoning just didn't work. I had to walk away and tell her that we'd be waiting in the kitchen (or wherever) when she was ready. For us, it was a phase that lasted about four months. But even now that my girls are 5, they're still clingy at times -- usually when they're tired or our routine is changing. And they still want to cuddle with me without their sister joining in. DH and I started taking them on errands separately when they were three and we've kept it up. So each weekend one girl comes with me to do groceries while the other does home projects with dad. Then we reverse the next weekend. Sometimes the outing involves lunch out with just mom (or dad) and sometimes the one staying home gets lots of extra cuddle time. All of that has helped... but it's still no perfect.

 

I'm not up to this yet, but I would try being extra careful about giving BOTH of them one on one time, while the other can see/is aware of it, and explaining to her that 'I am both of your mommy's (grammar police, anyone??) and I love both of you and love to spend time with both of you. DS gets turns, and you get turns, and sometimes it's not your turn.' And then ignore all the other negative behavior, including removing her when she gets too cuddly, and saying 'now it's sharing time' or 'now it's DS's turn'. As long as you are consistently giving them both some one-on-one attention, hopefully she will catch on fast.

This made more sense in my head, I hope it came out clearly and makes sense lol.

 

I love the series of books starting with When I feel. I have serveral of them and my boys love them. While reading the books we talk about the feeling and what they can do when they feel that way. After reading several of them several times I have noticed that they use some of the stratagies and I can say oh I see you are feeling angry what can we do instead of XYZ. Or I see you are feeling jealous. Mommy is paying attention to brother and you want my attention. Giving them words and letting them know the feelings are normal is very helpful for them to deal with the feelings.