Childcare

I go back to work on the 8th of March! Eek! The girls will be 10 weeks old and I will have had almost three weeks with both of them home. I'm sad to leave them all day, but I am really, really looking forward to working again!

Our original plan, and I guess the one that is still standing, for childcare is to let my mother-in-law watch the girls every day from now until June. In June my husband (who teaches) will start taking the girls every day, but then in August we will need to figure out full-time childcare. This is what my MIL volunteered for and what my husband and I thought was reasonable. Until recently.

My MIL has always (for thirteen years) watched my BIL's kids. Not just while he and his wife work (evenings and nights) but also when they don't wake up early enough to feed the three kids, when they want to go to the gym, to the grocery store, etc etc. The BIL and his wife are lousy parents and I don't even feel remotely bad saying so. Over the years my MIL has tried to cut back on the childcare, but it has resulted in starving children, huge blowouts, suspensions for the kids because their parents didn't get them to school x number of days in a row. Anyway, these details aren't super relevant.

Except that the youngest (three years old) has been watched by MIL since birth. She said that she will not have him this spring when she's watching the girls (she's 'put her foot down'). As recently as Friday she ended up watching him all day, unexpectedly. He's a very needy, high maintenance boy. Not a bad one, just needy.

I don't know if I want my MIL to watch the girls anymore. I think she's going to end up with the other kids, her attention spread too thin, and totally overwhelmed/stressed. I think it will affect our relationship with her, our already-strained one with my BIL (because I'm resentful, ******), and the girls will suffer.

When I discuss this with my husband he says things like, "she'll be fine, she told them how it's going to be." Or he ignores me entirely. I don't want to upset anybody, but I am NOT COMFORTABLE going back to work with the situation as it is.

So, where I was hoping for advise- how do I handle this with my MIL considering that my husband doesn't even seem on board? I thought about hiring a part-time helper (maybe a college student) to relieve her so that we would know that there is a second set of hands when the grandson shows up unexpectedly? My husband thinks that's silly...

Am I being overprotective with my first children? I mean, she has raised six children (her three plus three grandkids). Any feedback would be appreciated!

 

Just realized that I didn't post this in FY as I thought. Mods, feel free to move it.

 

That is exactly why we did not let my MIL keep our girls. I could have written your exact same post when my girls were newborn, right down to the needy nephew. Yes, she may have raised 6 kids BUT has she ever had a set of twins? Even kids close in age do not count as she has twin experience. I do not think she would let anything happen on purpose and I do feel like chances are she and they would be fine but I would have a hard time just as you are. I know my MIL would not have been able to handle a set of twins on top of any other young kids. We told her that we had decided against letting her watch them and made it like it was for HER sake . I still do not leave them with her unless my boys are around to help. I would go with your gut feeling - if you are unsettled about it it will make your going back to work experience a not so good one.

 

Does your MIL know your concerns? I would talk to her about it and discuss with your husband and MIL about trying this out on a trial basis and get their feelings on having a mother's helper help her out (i.e. give it two weeks, or a month, etc) I think you have to do what works best for you and if this situation is going to stress you out further, looking for other options for childcare is not a bad idea.

 

I've brought it up a few times. Based on my husband's reaction, he feels like his mother should get time with his children, his brother's kids got their time, etc. DH and his brother have a very strained relationship so I almost think it's a jealousy issue. Like DH feels that his brother has overused his mom and now it will affect us.

My MIL makes grand stands about what she will and won't do, but them ultimately breaks down for the kids' benefit. Not that I blame her entirely, it's a mother's instinct to protect children and that's what she's doing.

She is watching the girls for a few hours tomorrow so that I can go get an eye exam. Maybe when I get home I can find out how she felt about it, whether she'd want help. I normally don't have an issue being assertive, but this is one of those family situations where I have to remind myself that I'm an IN-LAW and can't be quite as vocal as I'd like to be! I just hope that if we agree on a helper my hubby doesn't feel like I've stepped on his toes. He really wanted to save money this spring, but I think if we found a good individual we might use her again and again in the future.

 

I agree with Nancy. You have to do what feels right for YOUR family. I would dig my heels in a little deeper with my DH if it is something I felt super strong about.

ETA: We were posting at the same time. One other thing is that one appt with newborn preemie babies that sleep a lot is not a true shot into how she will care for 2 active babies. She might not need help now, but she might wish for some later

 

I could have almost written this post too. (except instead of one needy grand kid, its two, and my husband is well aware of the issues...). My husband's youngest sister is a mess and she dumps her kids with her mom (my MIL) all the time. I stopped asking. I started dragging them to the appointments with me. (Except for the one coming up, because I believe there is radio active treatments that may happen and I don't want them to be exposed, but my girlfirend is coming over to watch my girls.). Basically, we can depend on my husband's grandparents (yes, my daughters great grandparents who are pushing 80!) more than we can depend on his mom or my mom. His mom is too consumed with his youngest sister and my mom is too consumed with my grandma who is ill and her boyfriend who is just a pain.

Any whoo.. I would start looking for day care. Maybe even start with one day a week, so the girls can get used to the daycare and the MIL can get used to the fact she can't do it all....I would maybe have a helper come by, or a neighbor drop by? Twins are a lot and if you are consumed by another child or physically out of shape, then it is just that much harder.

 

This is why I don't let family watch my kids. It always sounds like a good idea then never works out. I actually had to quit my job cuz of it! UGH.

 

No matter how thoroughly you investigate, how carefully you interview....you never know what your child care provider is really like when you are not there. (remember the video of the woman flopping the infants twins around, picking them up by the leg, roughly shoving a bottle in their mouth, etc) I would much rather have a grandmother, who may be stretched a little thin with another child, than a stranger watching my young infants. You never said you had any concerns about your MIL's care, other than the fact she will likely have another child there. There are many women on this board who have a 3 year old & infant twins - maybe they can give you some idea about how your MIL will handle it.

Again, I would rather my MIL, who will be caring for my babies with a loving heart, care for my infants than someone who is treating the care of my infants as a job - I am imagining a whole lot of time spent in swings/bouncy chairs/PnP with a stranger who might or might not spend any time cuddling and loving my babies.

As far as resenting your MIL - it is a testament to her love for her grandchildren that she is willing to care for them so completely. I am sure she wishes your deadbeat BIL & his wife would take care of their own kids....but it is wnderful that she is not willing to see the little ones suffer to "put her foot down".

 

Whether a caregiver is taking good care of my children is a huge fear of mine! I think it's a huge fear of any mothers. However, I have to work. My husband is a third year teacher and there is no way we can support a family of four with student loan debt, etc on just his income. My MIL has only volunteered herself through June, so we're looking at a period of three months.

I do worry about the quality of care, not just her nerves. When the youngest child (the one she currently watches during the days) was a baby I witnessed his sibling dropping him because she wasn't able to manage all three kids at once. That's a fear of mine, too.

I commend her for the love she has shown her grandchildren by continuing to care for them over the years. I also think she makes excuses for her son and enables his irresponsibility be raising his kids.

And I worry about how it will affect mine and my husband's relationship with her and with the BIL (much less worried about him). I tried to talk some with her this afternoon (she watched the girls for two hours) but I don't think we're making a whole lot of progress. She seemed confused by my questions. Said she could just do drop-in childcare if she was overwhelmed (no, actually, the girls are not fully vaccinated yet). I think we're going to line up a mother's helper through these months and to help my husband through the summer, then I'm hiring somebody in home. I just don't see this playing out any other way.

 

I definitely understand the need to work - I will have to go to work this fall. My girls will be 6, but they might be in some sort of aftercare for a couple hours if I can't get a job at a good school where I can work & they go to school in the same place. I think in home care is the easiest for mom & babies, but it is usually the most expensive. I would recommend the use of a hidden nanny cam, drop in unexpectedly, have family drop in during the day on occasion - a good care giver won't care and a bad one will seem nervous. I have seen some parents have a live, streaming video feed from their home to their office - they can log in & see what is going on periodically throughout the day. I wish you & your precious babies the best of luck.

As far as your MIL enabling her son....it is an impossible cycle to break when there are children involved. You want your son/daughter to take care of their own kids, but you know they will not care for their kids properly and the kids will suffer. Even though you want to force your son/daughter to be responsible, you cannot put your grandchild at risk -you are held hostage by your love for your grandchild & your fear that something bad will happen.

 

I personally would not go for this situation, although I must say that a normal ratio at a good daycare is 3 babies to one provider. But the difference is that there are often 3 providers with a group of babies, which is a little different than one provider on her own with three kids. I worry that you are not going to be able to enjoy working if you are constantly worried about your childcare situation. Good luck!