Changing your mind when one of them has a tantrum

Often if I have two things to allocate (toys, bibs, etc.) I will arbitrarily decide who gets what -- then if one of them expresses displeasure, I switch them. Sometimes the other one doesn't care, and sometimes it turns out the other one cares a lot. So then I have to decide who is going to have a tantrum.

This morning it was who rides in which carseat in Daddy's car. (They don't normally ride in Daddy's car, so they don't have "usual" seats.) I decided Amy should ride on the right and Sarah on the left. Amy seemed neutral about this, but Sarah was really mad about it and wanted the seat Amy was in. So I switched them -- at which point Sarah was happy and Amy had a fit, because it turned out that she DID care after all.

Would you switch them back (since it is sort of unfair to Amy to promise her something and then take it away), or just stick with the second decision, since someone is going to have a fit either way?

 

In our house if someone throws a tantrum, I hold to the original decision (I should say in general as I know that I have switched from time to time). But, if one of them asks nicely to have the other, then we can find a compromise.

For example with your carseat issue. I would tell the one who is upset, that mommy chose this morning, but she can choose what seat she is in on the ride home. If that is not an option, like they are going to be in your car for the ride home, that the next time they go into daddy's car, she can pick what seat she gets into.

Since as you indicate, one of them is going to have a tantrum either way some of the time, I would just stick with the original choice and not go through the back and forth of who is going to tantrum. Personally, I guess it isn't fair to the one who was not tantruming to be forced to switch when they are cooperating in the first place and then allow them to have a tantrum to stop another.

Like I said, I am not saying that I have never done this. I know that when I have however, I usually apologise to the offended child (the one made to switch) and return them to their original spot and return the original item. It wasn't fair of me to take it away because the other child got uspet. That is simply teaching them that if they cry and scream enough, they will get what they want. I coach them to ask their sibling nicely if they can switch, or have a turn later. That usually works (I stress usually as it is not 100% of the time). This happens with all four of my kids, not just the twins. So, I do this many times throughout the day.

Sorry, that was a long winded answer.

 

I try really hard not to just switch it up just because one of them pitches a fit because I don't like to reward fit-pitching. I try to get the one who doesn't like the arrangements to nicely ask the other one if they can switch, and to make do with whatever response she gets. I try to work with them and model the right way to ask her sister, e.g., "Rita, ask Natalie if she will please switch seats with you this time." When Rita asks, sometimes Natalie will say OK, sometimes she will emphatically say NO!, so then I also model a polite response, either, "Rita, tell Natalie thank you for switching car seats! That's very sweet of Natalie for switching!" or, "Oh, Natalie doesn't want to switch carseats this time. Next time you can pick which seat you want, but this time Natalie gets to sit there!"

Um, yeah. This sometimes works, but often still results in screaming. It's getting better, especially as they have been hearing me do this more and more often. I am really trying to help them learn how to communicate about what they want in ways other than screaming, but you know, they're 2, LOL.

 

QUOTE(mmhzmom @ Sep 12 2007, 02:52 PM) [snapback]404227[/snapback]
Since as you indicate, one of them is going to have a tantrum either way some of the time, I would just stick with the original choice .... Personally, I guess it isn't fair to the one who was not tantruming to be forced to switch when they are cooperating in the first place and then allow them to have a tantrum to stop another.

Like I said, I am not saying that I have never done this. I know that when I have however, I usually apologise to the offended child (the one made to switch) and return them to their original spot and return the original item. It wasn't fair of me to take it away because the other child got uspet.


Very sage advice -- makes perfect sense.

QUOTE(BettiePage @ Sep 12 2007, 03:01 PM) [snapback]404257[/snapback]
I try to work with them and model the right way to ask her sister, e.g., "Rita, ask Natalie if she will please switch seats with you this time." When Rita asks, sometimes Natalie will say OK, sometimes she will emphatically say NO!, so then I also model a polite response, either, "Rita, tell Natalie thank you for switching car seats! That's very sweet of Natalie for switching!" or, "Oh, Natalie doesn't want to switch carseats this time. Next time you can pick which seat you want, but this time Natalie gets to sit there!"


I like this too -- though I'm not sure they can talk well enough yet. But I like the idea of having them deal directly with each other, with me mediating.

DH said Sarah screamed for about 15 minutes, but she calmed down when he kept saying "It's Amy's turn now, and it will be Sarah's turn on the way home" -- even though she can't really think that far ahead, I think she was semi-soothed just by hearing the words "Sarah's turn."

I also have to remember a "toddler rule" I read in Parenting magazine -- "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit."

 

I would stick to the first decision. Be confident in your decisions! Don't let the toddler decide which way to go. I just read Toddlerwise and it helped me feel so much better about setting rules and how to deal with toddlers.

 

This "switching" deal is going to be the end of me! Bea is so big on "Switch! switch!" and when they are both in agreement about switching, it's fine, and it's a good way to get them to share. But when Ainsley doesn't want to switch, all **** breaks loose. So far, I have held firm on a few things that they are assigned are not allowed to switch, that is, carseats, high chairs, and shoes (because they wear different sizes). I read a hint while I was pregnant to assign carseats and high chairs right away and stick with it so it doesn't become an issue later.

Anyway, what I have been doing if Bea is throwing a "switch fit" is I ask Ainsley if she wants to switch. i.e. "Ainsley, Bea wants to give you the red cup and you give Bea the blue cup. Do you want to switch?" If it's anything other than a yes, then no switching. This has been a big deal lately and Bea can't stand it if Ainsley doesn't want to switch, but I also want Bea to start realizing that Ainsley has a mind of her own and Bea can't always make Ainsley do things. I've been having issues with Bea bossing Ainsley around, as I posted recently. She has been escalating it with the switching deal and will just declare out of the blue "Ahssie has red cup! Bea has blue cup!" and try to pry the cup out of Ainsley's hands and force the blue cup on her.

Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack! If this is just starting with yours, I say nip it in the bud and make sure both are agreeable to the switch.

ETA: I saw that this was DH's car and not the usual carseats. I carried over who sits on which side to my parents' car and the high chairs at their house so it would be consistent.

 

QUOTE(Minette @ Sep 12 2007, 02:12 PM) [snapback]404148[/snapback]
Often if I have two things to allocate (toys, bibs, etc.) I will arbitrarily decide who gets what -- then if one of them expresses displeasure, I switch them. Sometimes the other one doesn't care, and sometimes it turns out the other one cares a lot. So then I have to decide who is going to have a tantrum.

This morning it was who rides in which carseat in Daddy's car. (They don't normally ride in Daddy's car, so they don't have "usual" seats.) I decided Amy should ride on the right and Sarah on the left. Amy seemed neutral about this, but Sarah was really mad about it and wanted the seat Amy was in. So I switched them -- at which point Sarah was happy and Amy had a fit, because it turned out that she DID care after all.

Would you switch them back (since it is sort of unfair to Amy to promise her something and then take it away), or just stick with the second decision, since someone is going to have a fit either way?



sounds like my house hehe

 

Update -- when DH showed up to pick them up at daycare, they were both very excited to ride in Daddy's car. But then Amy realized she wasn't going to get to ride in the seat she wanted (because it was Sarah's turn) and she screamed the whole way home. Sigh.

They do have permanently-assigned carseats (in my car), high chairs, and shoes. And in fact they get very upset if we accidentally try to put one of them in the wrong high chair. They have also recently decided who gets which bib, for each of the three pairs of bibs that we have! Fortunately at least they agree on those. Amy will refuse to eat rather than wear Sarah's bib, and vice versa.

 

Funny how we all hae to improvise this stuff as we go along. I used to switch around which high chair they got, which bib, etc. but as they have gotten older (almost 3 now) they have started to select more of their own stuff--which is great because they know who's is who and don't argue about those things.

I don't like to give in to tantrums. Unfortunately, one DS is much more accomodating than the other at this point. If his brother yells, he is likely to let brother pick the video, book, toy, etc. that he wants. I'm trying to encourage the first one to be more assertive, but it's tough. I offer him the first choice, but often he'll refuse to choose until he sees what his brother wants.

 

My DH came up with a carseat rule about a year ago that has really helped us. They now switch each day who sits behind the driver - for some reason that had become the prize position and with us taking turns dropping off & picking up, plus a friend helping us a couple of days a week, we could no longer keep up with whose turn it was coming or going.

Since one gets the prize seat, the other gets to be first at anything that day, plus gets to choose the blessing at meals, which for some reason is another huge deal. (Who can fathom the mind of a pre-schooler?!)

To answer the original question, though, I try to not let tantrums or whining change my decisions. We also get them to ask the other one for changes or favors. It's meant I've had to pay attention to why and what I'm laying down the law about. If I know it's something I won't ultimately care too much about, I give them some choice from the beginning. That way, I don't have to deal with a tantrum over something that didn't really matter. But if it matters, it matters -- and my word goes. hey, the rank has to have some privileges!