Caring for the girls

Ok, well I love my girls (well, all of my kids but this is about the twins) of course. I love feeding them, I love changing them, I love getting them dressed and giving them baths, playing with them, etc. I just want help doing all those things while DH is home.
Well, I had been giving them their cereal in the evenings while DH was at work. But we are starting to give it to them in the mornings and then do a veggie at night. This morning I went to feed them and asked DH if he would feed one of them so that it didn't take so long. (We had to get to the doctor's office this morning.) He told me no. Won't EVER help feed them solids. When they need a bottle he would rather lay them down somewhere and prop the bottle. Yes, I am guilty of doing that sometimes, but that's when I'm at home with the kids by myself and I need to attend to one of the other children. He pretty much throws a fit when I ask him to change a diaper or get a child dressed for the day. Which BTW I don't think I should have to ASK him to do those things. He should just do them, it is part of parenting.
He has only bathed Geneva once and that was 2 weeks ago. He has never bathed Gretchyn. He didn't bathe Gavyn until he was 6 months old.
I feel like I have to force him to get down on the floor and play with them. I understand that he works hard outside the home and would like to relax. But I work hard too and I don't EVER get a break from doing all of this. Most of the time when I am at the computer I am holding at least 1 child if not 2.
We get the same amount of sleep. He gets home around midnight and I wait for him to go to bed. We get up at the same time. So he can't really be anymore tired than I am. He gets to sit around at work a lot. Granted I get to sit on my butt too but while I am sitting I am still playing with/changing/feeding a baby.
I am so sick of feeling like I am a single parent and I'm so sick of not getting ANY help from ANYONE. I don't know how you single parents do it, I'm about to go nuts. You are truly special people for being able to handle parenting on your own.
I need advice on how to get him to start helping more around the house.
Thanks for *listening* and for any advice.

 

:hug99: I am sorry he is not being more helpful.

 

I am so sorry you feel this way. :hug99:

Maybe you should explain to him that just because you carried the girls for nine months does not make you MORE their parent. You are both parents equally and therefore their care should be shouldered equally when he is home.

As far as him working all day and wanting to relax....please. Take it from me, I work full time and I definitely look at that as getting a break. Taking care of the babies is so much harder than going to work. At least at work you can socialize with other people, don't have to listen to crying, don't have to try and figure out what is wrong. Not having to do all that for 8 hours a day IS relaxing.

I would sit him down and have a long heart-to-heart. Explain how you feel, if nothing changes at least you got it off your chest.

 

Oh, I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. You sound extremely frustrated and tired - and I don't blame you. Is there any chance you can plan a day out for yourself (and upcoming Saturday maybe) and have your "DH" stay home and get a taste of what your life is like every day? It would be a break for you and it would be a BIG learning experience for your husband!

 

I would point blank tell him that not helping, is NOT an option :blush: . It's called parenting. Yes, we all could definitely use a break every now and then but the "work all day" routine does not work for my DH. I simply had to tell him one time that this is an important time in the kids lives and they need their Daddy. Changing diapers, feeding and bathing are all part of the "bonding" process. I told him I really didn't want him to look up 10 years from now and realize he "missed" and important time in their lives. We will all eventually get to relax, later.

Carrie

 

I don't have any words of wisdom for you either, I just empathize with you so much because this is exactly what my DD is going through with her SO. They don't have any other children and their twins are just 7 weeks old so their situation is a tad different but I'm afraid the writing is on the wall and she'll be exactly where you are when her boys are the age of your twins. I actually think my DD is getting close to leaving her boyfriend (they live together obviously) because of his lack of help or even interest in the babies. She just didn't think it would be like this with him and is at her wits end.

Her boys are still getting up every 2-3 hours during the night and he doesn't get up to help her at all, and usually just yells at her to keep the babies quiet because he needs his sleep! He doesn't help around the house, except that he likes to cook so he will fix dinner but he pulls the old "I cooked so you have to clean up" routine so it would probably make her life easier if he DIDN'T cook. He doesn't wash bottles, wash babies, or change diapers unless asked, and if asked he complains and does it with an "attitude."

To make matters worse, DD had to go back to work full-time this past week so now she's really a walking zombie and feels like life is totally out of control. Having twins is just such hard work, I don't know how one person can be expected to manage it by themselves, regardless of their babies' ages. And having other children would way more than double, triple or quadruple the work load.

I don't know how your DH would react to a "heart to heart" talk, but I hope it helps if you haven't tried that yet. My DD has has numerous such talks with her boyfriend about this very thing, but as soon as they start talking, he either turns the tables on her and makes her out to be a raving witch -or- he goes into "poor me" mode ... "I know I'm such a louse, I don't deserve to live" ... yada yada. Such BS!!!! He is playing the "emotional card" with her and I keep trying to tell her that he is just manipulating her. But she "feels bad" for being so mean when he starts into the "poor me" thing and she just gives in. She wants her relationship to work so badly but I think she's starting to see that he is just not going to be the supportive person to her and caring daddy to the boys that she had hoped.

I wish you the best, and am sending big hugs your way. I hope you and DH work out your differences very soon. Take care of YOURSELF and those beautiful kids.

 

I can sympathize with you A LOT. Things USED to be that way for me, but P & I broke up for 6 months, and now things are MUCH better. I don't give him an option NOT to help, we have set things we each do. He cooks every single night, and I feed/bathe the girls, if he wants me to cook he will feed/bathe the girls. He has yet to give the girls a bath, he has never felt comfortable until recently, it honestly scared him, and I can see where that may be the case, could your DH be scared, since you said he didnt start bathing your ds till he was older? Last night he fed the girls, and made dinner, I told him I needed a break, there was no fighting or complaing. I really have no advice because it took me leaving with the girls for 6 months to get where we are now. Would having a talk with him help? You need somewhat of a break too! One thing that has helped me is giving him options, like in the morning I get the girls up and dressed for daycare, but he has to pick up after us (dirty pjs in the laundry, diapers in the trash, bed made, ect), I gave him a choice of which one he wanted, that way he didn't feel like it was ME telling him what to do, more like he had some control over it. Just like the cooking, and feeding the girls thing. I don't care which one he does, just that he does SOMETHING. We both give the girls there last bottle, change the last diaper, and put one to bed, we didn't in the begining, but now that they go down at 7 we do! I think you need to tell him what you need him to do everyday, not just say do this or that when it needs to be done, sometimes it really helps them to not be so defensive if they know way beforehand!

 

QUOTE(stacyw @ May 24 2007, 01:43 PM) [snapback]267604[/snapback]
As far as him working all day and wanting to relax....please. Take it from me, I work full time and I definitely look at that as getting a break. Taking care of the babies is so much harder than going to work. At least at work you can socialize with other people, don't have to listen to crying, don't have to try and figure out what is wrong. Not having to do all that for 8 hours a day IS relaxing.


Can you call my DH and explain that to him?

 

Your DH sounds like mine!

:hug99:

For feedings, I found the easiest way to do it was set them in either their bouncy chairs, or high chairs, and just feed them out of the same jars, using the same spoon, and go back and fourth. That was always the quickest way.

 

I agree with PP...sit down and have a long heart-to-heart...do it one day when the babes are napping and you're both fresh (not when he gets home from work) and try to approach it from a positive light (missing important bonding moments, etc.) and then bring in the points that you need the help too. It is absolutely ridiculous that men think they can use the "work all day" routine... that won't fly in my house. Having even one child is teamwork and having twins is double that! ^_^ Also, if he's difficult, I'd tell him that this "talk" is not going to go away...it is his responsibility as a parent and it is what is expected of him. Then, I'd make plans to take a day away as PP suggested and let him deal with the kids ALL day plus take care of household chores. GL and thinking of you!! :hug99:

 

:hug99: I am sorry you are so tired and not getting the help you need.

 

My heart goes out to you as well...it's a horrible situation. I agree w/other poster: it's important to find a time to talk to him when you can be lucid. that said - i had a similar situation w/my DH a few weeks ago after the girls had only been home for a few weeks: he was complaining about my having woken him to hold one of the girls in the middle of the night.....frankly, I had a mini meltdown: not full-on yelling, just told him that he had NO clue what htis was like, that going to work IS a vacation, and that this is the situation for a VERY limited time and that it is his responsibility as a parent to participate. And that it was impossible for me to do it all by myself: I could not do all days AND all nights alone.

AND i told him that as tired as he is, he didn't carry two human beings for 8 months, OR be on bedrest, OR have major abdominal surgery and a major transfusion, OR pour out 3000 calories a day breast feeding, and that he can get by on less sleep than he thinks he can. Make it NOT an option, but do as pp's say, give him options about what chores each of you are going to do on a regular basis.

Good luck, and keep venting; i find it helps

 

when both parents are in the picture both should be parenting. That means bathing, feeding, playing with the babies. I think he needs to grow up and take responsibility. I am so sorry you have to deal with that..as if you don't have enough to handle. IMO I would be very clear in what you need him to do. ask him over and over and over again to assist you or just hand the baby over to him . He needs to figure it out just like you did. There is no time to be "afraid" of doing anything with your baby.

 

I've found also that giving DH a choice helps - I'm fortunate that he doesn't mind helping out and will sometimes come to me as I'm washing dishes and just push me out of the way! we sorta split the chores but laundry is all mine and the yard and trash are all his - dishes and vacuuming we split...we also split parenting "chores"...I give him a choice "do you want to bathe DS or do you want to entertain DD while I bathe DS and then diaper/dress DS" - most of the time I do all the bathing but he entertains the dirty one and dresses the clean one when we switch...perhaps giving him 2 specific choices will help - ie "do you want to do the dishes, or entertain the kids?"

oh and I agree going to work is much more relaxing than being at home some days!

 

Dh and I had the same problem and it came to head this week. I told him I was packin up and heading to either his moms or mine so would at least have another adult to help (I actually had the car packed and everything and told him if he wanted us to stay he could be a man and go unpack it for us!!) NOW i DO NOT recomend this to everyone and I NEVER threatened divorce that is a huge NO-NO!! But he needed to see how serious I was. We talked to a marriage counselor about a year ago who said the home work after Dh is off of "regular work" is to be split 50/50 because you did work all day too!! Well I settle for 75/25 because i do a bunch of my housework late at night. Dh now does at least one bath (the big girls) and he has always helped with supper. He hates to bathe small babies so I told him he could do the lotion and jammies. I nurse so we dont have the bottle problem. He says now that when they start solids he wants to do that because he really doesnt get to be involved with the feedings now... we'll see!! His prob. was the phone... he is always talking to someone in the evenings. I flat out told him work needs to end sometime not nessesarily 9-5 but there has to be SOME cut off when he will be completely devoted to just family and so far it is going well ... even if he is just visiting me while I do the work it seems to make me feel better. I want you all to know that I completely believe in my husband being the head of the household and I dont feel repressed or anything but once in a while the DHs need a little reminder about respecting the woman who holds it all together... Hope it all starts going better for ya!! I will be thinking of you.

 

Hi I just wanted to send a big hug to you and that I understand fully where you are coming from. My girls are now 9 mths but in the beginning my dh was the same he helped do nothing I was so tired and sad all the time, but now its alot better I like the other post said simply gave his an choice either he was going to help me or I was going to go and stay with his mom and he chose to help now he helps out alot considering we also have 3 other kids. So maybe you can try this and it'll get better. I 'll be praying for you. bye

 

Keep your head up.

 

I know how you feel my DH does the same thing as for we have 4 kids and he does not help with any of them at all so not sure what to say on that. But if you ever need to chat Im always here.

 

what is up with these guys??!!! I have not figured it out - my dh wanted these babies just as much if not more than I did - was great while I was pregnant and now that they are here they are mine and only mine until one of his buddies asks something like how much sleep are you getting - he will always say not much!!!
WHAT??? he sleeps all night every night!!!