Can your hubby

I make about double what DH makes and we can not live on just his salary, so I had to go back to work when our twin girls were 4 months old. We decided to hire a nanny part time. Our deal was that the nanny would come on days he is out of town (generally he leaves town Thursday night and returns Monday afternoon), plus one day a week when he is in town so he can have free time (or work on his business - whatever he wants) Well, that is not enough for him. He is telling me now that he can not handle it and he wants the nanny to come EVERY day. I totally understand that watching twin babies is a hard job, considering I do it every weekend and every night by myself. Our nanny was specific when we hired her that she was interested in working 3 days a week. She has been a good nanny so far and I want to keep her. DH is insisting he does not want to have to watch the girls, so I just don't know what to do. When our DS 6 was a baby, he watched him with no problems. I knew 2 would be hard, but I don't know what to do now. I am telling all of you this, to see if any of you have DH that watch twins. Am I being unrealistic to think that 2 days a week he can watch his children while I work? Keep in mind he does not get up with them at night, and he turns them over to me when I get home.

I guess what bothers me is that with his job, he has tons of downtime and gets pampered a lot. He gets to sleep late in a hotel many days and spends the days in a hotel pool, at the mall, and stuff like that. As I am sure most of you ladies can relate, I get to sleep in ZERO and I get ZERO down time, so I guess it just aggrevates me that he can not handle watching the girls just 2 days from 7:50am - 5:10pm. Am I overracting?

 

I don't think you are overreacting. That would aggravate me as well!

 

For my dh it would be a choice. I don't think he has the patience to do it. He'll be the first to admit it. It drives him nuts to be home period. He hasn't been home alone with them for very long. I hope you find an answer!

 

I don't think you are overreacting at all. I wouldn't even consider it "watching" his children, I'd call it caring for his children. He needs to do his fair share.

To answer your question, my DH does a terrific job at taking care of the kids, he's an equal partner (except he hates to have to figure out what to feed them). I occasionally travel for work, he does fine solo. He gets up at night just as much as I do.

Maybe if he doesn't want to take those two days, tell him to get a second job so you can pay a nanny two additional days.

 

Is he working from home on those days or are those his days off? My thoughts - working from home would be difficult...if he wants the nanny on his days off then do you get a full time nanny on your days off? (I'm gonna guess not )I'm assuming you are off Sat & Sun and he is off 2 days during the week since he is gone on the weekends. That is hardly fair and I don't know how/if that works in your budget - what if you proposed getting a nanny for you on the weekeneds, would he then see it's not reasonable? If you do decide to have a nanny two more days you could always get a second pt nanny. Keep the nanny you really like and maybe they could be each others back up if that is ever necessary.

To answer your question of what we do, DH doesn't have the kids that much on his own because I stay home and he works M-F. BUt if I did have a weekend job, he would watch them himself, we wouldn't get a ongoing nanny for both days. Maybe an occasional babysitter if he needed to do something w/o three little girls "helping"!

 

[SIZE=10pt]I don't think you're expecting too much at all.

My DH has had the kiddos for 3 days completely by himself (when I went to Vegas) and then usually once a week for a few hours while my older DD and I go out and do something together. Other than trying to figure out what to feed them...he actually likes being alone with them. He feels that they actually "need" him then. (I stay home with them so they tend to come to me more often when they 'need' things)

I like PP's suggestion of asking if you could get a nanny on your two days off to see what he would say

Hope you're able to figure it out ~


April [/SIZE]

 

DH would love to be a SAHD. He has so much more patience than me. However, me makes more money than I so that won't ever happen (unless parents start getting paid to stay at home).

Regardless, he is their father, and they are his children too. He is just as much as the caregiver as you are. He already gets more downtime than you. So I would tell him, no...no full-time nanny. It drives me crazy when dads don't want to take care of their children.

April

 

QUOTE(Jentwinmom @ Jun 5 2008, 03:08 PM) [snapback]812313[/snapback]
I make about double what DH makes and we can not live on just his salary, so I had to go back to work when our twin girls were 4 months old. We decided to hire a nanny part time. Our deal was that the nanny would come on days he is out of town (generally he leaves town Thursday night and returns Monday afternoon), plus one day a week when he is in town so he can have free time (or work on his business - whatever he wants) Well, that is not enough for him. He is telling me now that he can not handle it and he wants the nanny to come EVERY day. I totally understand that watching twin babies is a hard job, considering I do it every weekend and every night by myself. Our nanny was specific when we hired her that she was interested in working 3 days a week. She has been a good nanny so far and I want to keep her. DH is insisting he does not want to have to watch the girls, so I just don't know what to do. When our DS 6 was a baby, he watched him with no problems. I knew 2 would be hard, but I don't know what to do now. I am telling all of you this, to see if any of you have DH that watch twins. Am I being unrealistic to think that 2 days a week he can watch his children while I work? Keep in mind he does not get up with them at night, and he turns them over to me when I get home.

I guess what bothers me is that with his job, he has tons of downtime and gets pampered a lot. He gets to sleep late in a hotel many days and spends the days in a hotel pool, at the mall, and stuff like that. As I am sure most of you ladies can relate, I get to sleep in ZERO and I get ZERO down time, so I guess it just aggrevates me that he can not handle watching the girls just 2 days from 7:50am - 5:10pm. Am I overracting?


I don't really get that at all. We both work FT, but we have actually talked about DH being a stay at home dad. It's not really financially feasible right now, and he loves his job, so I don't know if we would do it, but I know he COULD. When I went back to work at 8 weeks, he was home for 2 weeks, and he was better than I was. I'd come home to happy babies who had been played with all day, the laundry and dishes done, a little housework (I didn't expect any with the babies), and dinner waiting. He gets up every time I do overnight (and actually let me sleep quite a few times in the early days while he got up with them). He picks them up from daycare and has to feed them and put them to bed himself some nights. So yes, he could do it no problem. And it doesn't seem like your DH can't - just that he doesn't want to, and that's another issue entirely. I won't say I don't somewhat understand him not wanting to be home with them alone all the time because it is hard, but he's already getting a day a week to himself. That's far more than DH or I get. And more than you get!

 

QUOTE(Aprilisdisney @ Jun 5 2008, 03:33 PM) [snapback]812388[/snapback]
[SIZE=10pt]I don't think you're expecting too much at all.

My DH has had the kiddos for 3 days completely by himself (when I went to Vegas) and then usually once a week for a few hours while my older DD and I go out and do something together. Other than trying to figure out what to feed them...he actually likes being alone with them. He feels that they actually "need" him then.

April [/SIZE]



My husband would stroke out at the thought of me going anywhere over night. Back in January, he and DS went to Disney World for a couple of days while I stayed home with the babies. I mentioned recently that it was my turn to go with DS to Disney and that did not set too well with him.

 

QUOTE(Mom to Jack and Anna @ Jun 5 2008, 03:43 PM) [snapback]812415[/snapback]
When I went back to work at 8 weeks, he was home for 2 weeks, and he was better than I was. I'd come home to happy babies who had been played with all day, the laundry and dishes done, a little housework (I didn't expect any with the babies), and dinner waiting.



You are so lucky. I am jealous. I come home to a sink full of dishes, the laundry piled up, and no food in the fridge. The sink will be full of all the bottles he has used all day. I wash them after the girls have went to bed, but maybe once a week, he will wash them and he acts like I should give him a reward for it. Good thing I love him, otherwise I would kill him.

 

I feel for you. My dh and I work FT although I scheduled 1 1/2 days working from home. We have a nanny three days a week and my Mom the other two, even when I am home. My dh and I have also talked about him being a stay at home Dad. My dh is awesome with the kids, he even lets me go out with the girls once a week. Dh did all the night feedings while I was recovering from the c/s then continued to do so up until today if one of the babies gets up in the night. He loves to clothe them, put their toys together, figure out the proportions of the formula for easier mixing with cups instead of the little scoops. He does so much I am not doing him justice. In fact today, he stopped on his way home from a morning meeting and bought a double jogging stroller. Up until this point he would tell you we are equals in the parenting job but I think he outweighs me in all that he does!

How about asking the nanny if maybe once a month she can pick up another day to give dh some "more" relaxation time. Even though I am totally on your side, marriage is a compromise and making him feel like you are listening to his needs might make things better for all of you. There is my .2cents - good luck.

 

DH would *love* to be a SAHD!
If I knew I could make more money than him, I'd let him do it too. He's fabulous with the boys, he can (sorta) cook, loves doing the laundry and ironing, and would run the house smoothly while I was working.

I don't think you're asking too much. But, I do know that for dads, staying at home and taking care of the babies (even semi-full time) is still a matter of personality and taste. Some women would rather work, some would rather stay home. I think it works the same for men. If the nanny doesn't want to pick up the extra slack, I think I'd tell DH that he'll have to find other ways to get a break here and there. I'm sure he'll survive.

 

No, you are not overreacting. Raising babies is a two parent job, in a two parent household, IMO. I hope this situation gets better for you :hug99: .

 

QUOTE(mar66rus2 @ Jun 5 2008, 12:42 PM) [snapback]812412[/snapback]
DH would love to be a SAHD. He has so much more patience than me. However, me makes more money than I so that won't ever happen (unless parents start getting paid to stay at home).

Regardless, he is their father, and they are his children too. He is just as much as the caregiver as you are. He already gets more downtime than you. So I would tell him, no...no full-time nanny. It drives me crazy when dads don't want to take care of their children.

April

Same story here. ITA agree that you are not over-reacting and he needs to take care of his children. I hope that you can get him to see your point of view.

 

I can't imagine doing it all by myself. DH goes to work at 5AM and is off at 2PM. I take the boys to the sitter in the morning, and DH picks them up when he's done with work and watches them (including feeding them each a bottle) until I get home. Then he gets some alone time until dinner.

Hope you can work it out soon.

Becky

 

i dont think you are overreacting at all ~ hopefully you guys can work something out!
(i am jealous of your nanny....)
my DH watches the girls alone - THANK GOD. he wont put them to be alone, but other than that it is nice when I can actually get some sort of a break every now & again to feel like I actually have a life

 

I don't think you are over reacting at all. I'd make him a deal. You guys can hire a nanny for the two additional days, but you split it. He gets one of his days and you get one of your weekend days. My DH takes care of the girls every morning while I go to work. I take care of them two afternoons a week, and every evening. We have a sitter for the 3 afternoons I work. DH and I split things up, but he is the first to admit that I do more. I make sure we have the food and diapers they need, I organize the schedule, I do almost all the baby stuff on the weekend while he works on the house (we are remodeling). The the thing that makes this work is that we are equally splitting up family stuff. So even though I do more with the girls on the weekend, that is because DH is outside putting up our new siding.

If you feel like your DH doesn't want to split things up evenly, then maybe you should sit down with him (when you aren't angry) and lay out the schedule of what everyone does and when and show him the inequities.

Taking care of twinfants is hard. But you both need to find a solution that works for your whole family. GL and :hug99:

 

every other week I work an evening shift while DH works steady dayshift - on my evening weeks he takes the kids to daycare 2 days, picks them up, feeds them, bathes them and puts them to bed - and then starts on the housework or his homework (working on his bachelors degree online)...right now he's taken them for a walk in their wagon so I can have a bit of downtime...even before I went back full time he had them Friday night and Saturday morning every week from the time they were 3 months old...

I don't think that there is anything wrong with your thinking...why should he have 2 days off a week when you don't?

 

I don't think you are over-reacting, however my DH couldn't do it. He gets too overwhelmed with all 3 of my girls. I'm not surprised though, he never has dealt well with a lot of commotion. I guess I feel lucky to have talked him into having more than 1 child so I guess I just have to learn to live with it. Plus on the few occasions I do get out for a few hours alone, my house is a mess when I come home - it never looks that bad during the 8 hours he is gone everyday! In a perfect world, he would be "Mr. Mom", but in reality - he's not!

 

Like someone said, it is a matter of personality and taste but it is still his responsibility. Taking care of his own kids for two days a week isn't exactly asking the world. Has he tried to get out with the girls or is he locked up at home? Maybe he can join a class or group, just go for a walk every day, or drive around during naptime? Is he keeping the girls on schedule so that things run more smoothly for him?

Paul was home with my for the first 3 months of the girls' life and then only gone a few hours a day for school during the rest of the 1st year so he did a lot of childcare. I left him alone with the girls to run errands or take naps and we got out a lot for walks and just driving around. He was perfectly capable of taking care of the twins on his own but it definitely did cause him more stress than it did me.

 

My DH can and does watch all 3 kids, but he prefers just two at a time. Or, if I am doing something (a project, or sleeping off a migraine) but at home, he feels much more comfortable. He CAN care for all 3 without me at home, but it makes him nervous. And, he has never had all three kids alone in a public place. He tells me, "if I were the stay-at-home parent, we would never leave the house!"

I have a friend who is a SAHD to his 4-yr-old twin girls, and I think he has been so since they were infants. He does a fabulous job!! And he has mentioned that he has a buddy who is a SAHD to HIS preschool-aged, BG twins... and the dads swap babysitting! I think it is wonderful!

I often wonder why dads are not expected to stand up and take an equal role in parenting... since they had an equal role in creating the kids....?? But, somehow, mommy tends to be the 'default' parent....

 

You're not overreacting. Dh has a job that gives him a lot of down time to surf the web and play video games. And he gets to work at home to boot. BUT he also takes 2 night feedings so I can sleep. It makes him a valuable member of the parent team that he can handle the girls without me. So it would bug me too. I hope you two can figure out a compromise that works for both of you.

 

I really don't have any advice for you considering mine is dead.
All I can say is be grateful that he takes care of them AT ALL.
I don't mean to sound rude; I understand it is all relative. But just be thankful you don't have to do everything on your own.

 

:hug99: for you for having issues with your DH. Mine is on the road a lot, so I do the majority of things on my own. We each try to get some downtime, but it's never enough. I hope you can figure out a workable solution that makes you both happy. :hug99:

 

My husband stays at home with them during the day from the time they wake up until 2:00 when he goes to work. I get off work at 4:00, so they're with the sitter from 2-4:30. He also does laundry and dishes and can I just say that he is such an awesome guy? I know he gets frustrated sometimes and is always so tired. But he still has a smile on his face on Friday nights when I finally get to see him.

 

Thanks to everyone for your wonderful words of wisdom. I knew I could count on you. I am glad to hear that there are other husbands that are able to watch the twinfants. I just wanted to make sure other men could do it, because I want to be reasonable when I talk to DH about it. He did a very good job with our son, I think it is just that watching two girls is sending him over the edge. I understand that, because some days I feel like I am going over the edge as well.

 

I guess I'm coming in a little late, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone (although I don't want to add any fuel to your DH's point of view!). My DH is a college professor, so he doesn't work in the summer, but all 3 of our kids still go to daycare full time. I think he's watched all three of them for about an hour once. One day he did stay home with both boys when they were sick, but I had to come home early b/c he got so frustrated. Like your DH, he did and still does a wonderful job with our DD, but he won't take care of the boys by himself. Recently we were invited to a family wedding, and I proposed that I go with DD and he stay home with the boys. My thinking was that DD would be able to sit through a wedding, whereas the boys would not. His response? "We might as well all go. I won't get anything done with both boys at home." What??? It's not about getting anything done, it's about caring for your own children! Just this morning, I was ready to leave for work before J woke up so he had me get him up and dressed, and he dropped the kids off earlier than usual rather than stay there for another half hour with them by himself!!

Like you, I do all the night wakings. He does do the cooking, cleaning up, and daycare drop off/pick up now that he's not working, though. I know that is a huge help, and one that most may not get, but it's beginning to feel like he's rather do anything than care for the boys. :-(

I hope you find a solution.

B.A.
DD 2-28-05
Identical boys C and J born 8-24-07 @ 38 weeks

 

QUOTE(snoba @ Jun 6 2008, 10:07 AM) [snapback]813545[/snapback]
, but it's beginning to feel like he's rather do anything than care for the boys. :-(


Thank you for understanding. This is how I feel as well. DH makes his own work schedule and he onced scheduled to be gone from home for 14 days and I KNOW it was because he wanted to get away.

 

These are his children too. Where does it state in the universe that this is exclusively women's work?

The best suggestion I can make is to talk to him honestly about how you feel about the situation. You need your "time" too.

 

QUOTE(Jentwinmom @ Jun 5 2008, 03:08 PM) [snapback]812313[/snapback]
I make about double what DH makes and we can not live on just his salary, so I had to go back to work when our twin girls were 4 months old. We decided to hire a nanny part time. Our deal was that the nanny would come on days he is out of town (generally he leaves town Thursday night and returns Monday afternoon), plus one day a week when he is in town so he can have free time (or work on his business - whatever he wants) Well, that is not enough for him. He is telling me now that he can not handle it and he wants the nanny to come EVERY day. I totally understand that watching twin babies is a hard job, considering I do it every weekend and every night by myself. Our nanny was specific when we hired her that she was interested in working 3 days a week. She has been a good nanny so far and I want to keep her. DH is insisting he does not want to have to watch the girls, so I just don't know what to do. When our DS 6 was a baby, he watched him with no problems. I knew 2 would be hard, but I don't know what to do now. I am telling all of you this, to see if any of you have DH that watch twins. Am I being unrealistic to think that 2 days a week he can watch his children while I work? Keep in mind he does not get up with them at night, and he turns them over to me when I get home.

I guess what bothers me is that with his job, he has tons of downtime and gets pampered a lot. He gets to sleep late in a hotel many days and spends the days in a hotel pool, at the mall, and stuff like that. As I am sure most of you ladies can relate, I get to sleep in ZERO and I get ZERO down time, so I guess it just aggrevates me that he can not handle watching the girls just 2 days from 7:50am - 5:10pm. Am I overracting?


NO YOU ARE NOT OVERREACTING! I think u need to sit down and ask why he can't,

 

Jen,
I love your babies' names.. soo cute.

If I was you, I would definitely say "Negative Buddy.. deal w/ it.. they're YOUR kids." And leave it at that.

I think you're correct to feel the way that you do and to have the nanny (this one, or possibly another) come instead of the Father taking care of them, is not a good idea. It isn't like you're asking him to watch the neighbor kids.. they are HIS.

Let us know how it goes!!

 

I can't imagine doing it alone!

We both work full time and DH does just as much as I do. I have to get them off in the morning and do dinnertime alone so he gets up with them at night to "give me a break". We split bedtime duties.

I don't think you are overacting at all.

 

I work weekends every once in awhile and my DH watches all 3 kids on his own. He does a great job and understands how difficult it actually is when I have had a bad day. I think men are just being lazy when they say they can't do it..it's more like they don't want to do it!

 

QUOTE(3greysandamutt @ Jun 5 2008, 10:44 PM) [snapback]813140[/snapback]
I often wonder why dads are not expected to stand up and take an equal role in parenting... since they had an equal role in creating the kids....?? But, somehow, mommy tends to be the 'default' parent....


Exactly! I'[m going back to work in Sept., full time, and DH will be full time as well. He works nights so we won't be using daycare. He will watch them during the day, then I watch them when I get home. Whenever I tell people they always say, "Oh, when will HE sleep?" Like it;s ok for ME to work full time and take care of them- it's expected, but for DH to work and watch them? It seems to be a big deal and it bugs me.

 

My DH is awesome with the girls and encourages me to go spend a day with my girlfriends or go to book club or whatever while he cares for them. He would love to stay home part time if his job allowed him to do that. I think your DH needs to step up to the plate with this one. It's only part of the week.