Can I really do this?

My apologies if this comes across whiney...

I guess I am struggling with a couple of things:

I just changed jobs so that I could be home more with my boys. I work 12 hrs shifts Thurs-Fri...sat/sun off then Mon-Tues...then off 7 days until the following Thurs. Works out to be 2 days a week.

Oh man this transisition has been rough! I put them down Wed night for bed and don't see them again until Sat. morning, and then again Sunday night, and won't see them until Wed morning. Sat/Sun is junk because the kids are a mess. The Wed after my Tues. shift the kids are HORRIBLE!! I mean awful, terrible, horrible, no good, very bad for all of us. It takes a good 4 days to get us all back on track and in a rythem again. Just when they are convinced I'm not going back to work, I have to go back to work.
It's a new job, but I really lke it, it's much more challenging than my previous job, and I am mentally ready for it.

The other thing is parenting styles.

My boys are really well behaved...I can take them just about anywhere and they are great, we've worked really hard.
I'm running into issues that one of my boy hits. (He goes through stages, he hadn't hit in a long time, but during any transition he starts up again).
I should mention for the most part he only hits ME. UGH! It is unaccetable in our house! I have tried EVERYTHING!
Timeouts don't work for Ryan, I've tried distracting him when he comes to hit me by saying "Oh Ryan you want a hug?", and that doesn't work anymore. I love Becky Bailey's philosophy, we don't shy away from conflict or families that may expect different things then our family, we just use it as a tool to teach what we expect in our family. ie-we have a friend who's kid tends to use yucky words for attention (not quite swear, but annoying)...

I've tried getting down to his level and being very stern with him, and he just laughs. For that matter, when I use my stern voice they both do...It's not my nature. This is why I am so strict. They listen to me when I demand they hold my hand in a parking lot (because if they run off, they won't listen to me to come back). When I show them how to behave at the table, that works beautifully, because it just what I expect.

So how do I convey what I expect when they are being naughty? I've tried to use the same tone, body language that I use when I expect anything else of them. Whatever method I use I am as consistant as a sunrise!

I know he's doing it for attention.
Ugh, I just feel so drained and frustrated...my husband doesn't have these days like I do. (he watches them when i work). They play together, they play independently, he can cook, clean get work done...when they are with me they are attached to me, I can't even use the restroom without them freaking out!

Ugh...sorry this has turned into such a long post, I am just so frustrated. The weekends I thought would be my saving grace where dh and I could actually parent together, but he always has something to do, even if it just takes 5 min. there is always 'something'. We have a small farm so that keeps us busy, plus we both take care of our mothers (one who lives on the same property as us).

I guess I'm just starting to feel like I can't hack this. I work at parenting so hard, I see it as a job, and all day I'm 'on'. But I feel as though I'm failing at this job.

To top it off, I just got my first paycheck, although I got a large raise to take this position, my insurance went to $600 a month so I'm making about $$700 less a month. DH and I have always paid our bills seperatley, so we are now having to budget our bills together (he is a contractor so income is not consisitant). I should mention I work mainly for the insurance, dh is diabetic so private insurance would be too expensive.

Ok, I think I'm done...I'm really sorry this is so long...I guess I'm just feeling truly inadequate...and need some hope that the boys are just going through a stage and all this will get better...

If you made it this far...you deserve a prize!

Thanks guys!
rebecca

 

:grouphug: So sorry you are going through this! That schedule has got to be rough. I agree with you that it is probably attention seeking behavior. Did I understand you right...that you actually see them more with this new shift than you use too? I had to re-read it because I thought at first that you were working longer hours and seeing them less and I assumed that accounted for the change in behavior, but if you are seeing them more than... :unknw: . Sorry, I wish I had some good advice! :hug: Did your DH use to stay with them more? Maybe they are just testing your authority. I would just stay consistent and eventually everyone will get use to the change. I know that is probably easier said than done at this point, but new things are always hard to adjust too. Staying consistent with the schedule (when you can) and most importantly with your discipline will let them know that this is the way it is now and they are going to have to adjust.

Hope it gets better soon for you! Hang in there!!

 

That sounds like a rough schedule; toddlers are such gluttons for regularity that I think you're right that they're having some adjustment issues. But overall, I'm finding this to be a really hard age too. Some days they're so sweet and cute, and they're really getting to be terribly interesting people. On the other hand, they have opinions about everything, and they LOVE to test boundaries. We have a throwing problem with Nate. When we tell him not to throw his trains, he'll throw something else, so see if *that* gets him into trouble. Or he'll "drop" the trains, or push them off a table... It's maddening!!! :gah:

When does Ryan usually hit? Is it when you ask him to do something, or when he's frustrated? My guys hit occasionally and I find the best deterrent is to warn them, then put them down if I'm holding them, or walk away. My boys tend not to hit in anger, but think it's funny, so removing myself from the situation takes all the fun away for them. If Ryan is hitting for attention, then don't give him attention when he hits. Warn him, then remove yourself. This may work for him, and if you're anything like me, it will do wonders for your sanity!

I'm also in the same boat that time outs don't work really well for me either. Using positive reinforcement, or finding their "currency" (taking toys away, etc.) work a lot better in our house.

If you've only been on this schedule for a short time, then your boys will probably need a bit longer to get used to it. Hang in there, it *will* get better! :hug:

 

It does sound like it's hopefully just an adjustment period, and they're looking for your attention when you're home. Hopefully things will fall into place once they adapt. Especially since they've learned to behave so well in other situations, I think they will follow suit here over time. Sorry I don't have a lot of advice, but I did want to note that on your comment that I bolded above, that this really shows through on your posts - not just this one. I bet in a couple weeks you'll look back and see that your consistency and good parenting has paid off and they'll be back on track.

Since they seem to be confused about the timing of when you're home vs when you'll be working, could you maybe try some sort of calendar sticker chart? I know it's kind of hard to understand the days of the week at this age, and mine are only starting to get it now. But maybe over time they'll grasp where they're at on the chart, and they'll have some warning of when you'll be leaving again. maybe you can use it as a reward chart. They can get a sticker for good behavior each day, and then you're next off day you'll do something special with them to reward them.

 

First I want to thank you all for your responses, I always feel supported when I post here!!

Laura: I do see them more, I spend 8 days with them and then I work 2 days and have 2 days off then work 2 days, then off for another 8. It's really confusing, even I am having a hard time.
The boys are with there dad about the same amount of time, I used to work 3-9 M-F and he was home with them, now he's home with them for the full 2 days I work.

Valerie: I agree the best thing I can do is just remove myself, and that used to work. Not so much anymore. Thanks for the validation though!!

Denise: Thank you for the kind words, truly, it brought tears to my eyes! I think your chart idea is GREAT! I think we will put something like that together this weekend!

Zoe: Thanks for the helpful hints with the chart, and knowing that kids can get through a tough schedule is great to know. My husband used to hate it, but I tell them each at naptime and at bedtime, what/who will be happening when they wake up. I think it really helps Ryan.

So after a few days away at work, I've been able to articulate my issue...i think haha...

I think Ryan is bored. I talked to his speech therapist and mentioned that he doesn't play with toys like other kids. Once in awhile he'll play with a truck, or ride his tricycle, other than that all he wants to do is : HELP. He will stay busy if I direct him this way. However, there is only so much he can do. He helps with everything I can imagine, but when there is undirected time he just melts down.
She mentioned that Ryan doesn't enjoy imaginary play, he may eventually or not. Which makes sense, if I try to make one of his animals talk to him, he shuts down and gets really uncomfortable.

IE: this morning I gave him a sponge and he cleaned EVERYTHING. He swept the kitchen and he helped me vacuume...he's really good at these things. But then my mom came over and there was no more 'helping' that I could think for him to do. So he hit and kicked and was naughty all morning. After he settles down he just cries and wants me to hold him, I think he is just as frustrated as I am. he is such a sweet loving little boy. I was very UNreactive and sooo patient/consistant that after they fell asleep I just cried because of all the frustration. I'm trying to teach him to "use his words" and show him my facial cues "this is mommy's happy face, I'm happy you are helping" etc...

I'm just really at a loss as to how to help him...it's not even so much the tantrums, I want to know what's causing this behavior so that I can help him through it. I know he's not going to have teachers that can spend all day with him helping direct what he needs to do.

Ok I am rambling again...I did set up an appt. with his Pedi next Wed. I'm going to try to video what's going on so she can see.

Thanks again everyone for your support, it truly means so much to me!!

Rebecca

 

Your son sounds a lot like mine at that age. He didn't hit or kick, but he did show his frustrations by melting down and having tantrum after tantrum when we were home. I never had any problems taking him out. His speech was very good and I think was ahead of his age - he asks some pretty complex questions and you could always see his mind working and thinking. So I don't think it was a speech issue, but just his make up that he gets so frustrated and can't deal with not getting what he was expecting in his mind.

He used to be so bad at playing too. I used to complain to my husband that I never see him sit down and just play with a toy. He's always following me around needing me to entertain him. My daughter could keep herself occupied and play independently for long stretches, so I just didn't get why he couldn't. I think the only thing that really helped was time. I'd say a month or so before he turned 3 I saw a noticeable difference. All the sudden he'd play most of the day and not hang on me as much. His imagination soared and he can make up games and play with his toys for long stretches. I also took out the little people toys again and got him some imaginext stuff for his birthday and he loves it. Now he takes it to the next level and makes up stuff the people are doing and places they're going. I've seen such a difference between your son's age and now. Hopefully your son will come around too as he gets older.

My son also always wanted to be held and needed more attention after his melt downs. It used to annoy me until I realized he just needed some extra security. I used to get so annoyed that he all the sudden wanted to be picked up all the time after, and he'd follow and cling to me even worse. If I didn't pay attention to him, he'd start jumping in front of me and making pounding noises on the floor. Which would lead to another time out and another viscious cycle. It took me awhile to figure out why he was doing this (even though now it seems so obvious!) and I changed my approach with him. (I recommend Raising your Spirited Child). He's also gotten a lot better in the past several months. I used to put him in his room when he'd melt down and not let up. Now I rarely have to do that. I think he has just matured and understands consequences, as well as his feelings better. I do try to explain his feelings to him after his melt downs too. Why he was upset and what he was feeling, and what he can do the next time he feels this way. I'm hoping age 3 will be better than 2. So far it has been. So for us, understanding him more has helped me cope. But I think he really just needed time to outgrow some of it. Hopefully your son will come around soon. It sounds so similar though, so I really think he will.

 

Denise, I have no bigger words then THANK YOU! I can't tell you how much better I feel after readi.g your response. It sounds so much like what we are going through with Ryan. It gives me hope that the older he gets the better he'll be able to manage this.

Thank You again for taking the time to share your experience. It can be awful isolating when there is no one close by who understands.

Rebecca