Can Everyone Elses DH Take Care of Twins....

My DH love his heart, I know he has a stressful job(police officer) but he can't take care of our twins by himself without going nuts!!
Example: He said I'll watch the kids and you run to the store. Of course I said Ok because I'm not out of the house very much.
I was gone 45 mins and he had already put the babies down for a nap (it was way too early for one) he says they were fussy!

My old boss had called and asked me if I wanted to come in and work one day a week for extra money but, how can I do that if he can't watch them?
Does anyone else have the same problem or is it just me? He can't handle them by himself! Any suggestions?
Thanks!

 

Ummm...my husband can't. LOL. All I ask of him for right now is to watch the girls while I take a shower before he goes to work. He works 2nd shift. When I get out of the shower and come back into the other room either one or the other is crying. He says she is just being fussy. They were fine when I left the room. I have to go to the Dr. tomorrow and he asked me if I could take one of them with me. WHAT?? This is my time to get away for a little bit. I just think he is really nervous with them. I was too at first, and I figure he has to lean sooner than later.

 

Well my dh gets a little frazzled on a good day, but currently he cant do a darn thing with them because he went and broke his arm riding an ATV and is in a full arm cast for 12 weeks so now he is pretty much completely useless when it comes to their care! I feel like a single mom to 4 kids (dh plus 3)

 

Well, since parenting is a learned task, maybe he needs to be alone with the babies more? I mean, unless he's so clueless that he's letting dangerous things happen (I didn't mean that to sound mean--I can't think of a better way to phrase it). Maybe a day a week alone with him would help him to find his own rhythm with the babies. I suspect you probably have thousands of hours more experience alone with them than he has, and maybe if he could clock in some more time, he could catch up a little bit.

Maybe also talking through routines and schedules before you leave would help? And trying not to worry too much (unless your babies do really badly with mixed-up schedules) if somethings gets a little off while you're gone?

Just a few ideas that come to mind...

 

How often has he watched them? My DH was like that initially with our oldest - a singleton! I think it's a common...the only way for it to improve is time alone with them. Not "being in charge" while you shower/make dinner etc - you need to be out of the house so he gets experience/confidence & you're not there to answer questions/back him up. For example - if you had been gone all day at work, he would see for himself the down side of putting them down so early, when he just needs to step in for 45 minutes he can't really "get it" Good Luck!

 

I guess I am lucky. My DH handles the boys very well on his own. A few weeks ago, I was gone all day one Saturday having lunch and shopping with friends. He and the boys went to the golf store, Academy, and then they went to his office. Now when he just has to be at home entertaining them, it can sometimes be a different story, but overall, I would say he is a pretty confident dad.

I would say leave them with daddy more and his confidence will grow!

 

When my girls were little my dh did so much better with them alone. He always felt pressured when I was there. Now he is great with them and he gets to stay at home 1 day a week with them. Maybe your dh is still nervous with them and needs more practice. Good luck.

 

yeah, mine is a stay at home dad. He can handle the twins, but nothing else. All he does is feed them, then go back to sleep. He doesn't clean or run errans, I makes me so irritated. I might as well be home and be the working mom

 

My dh was eager to have the girls by himself and he did a good job **IF** I left detailed instructions. He asked for them and I think it was wise to have them. I spelled out when they needed to eat, how much, how to set them up to eat, when to change, etc. etc. I think it helped tremendously. I would even write down suggestions to help ease crying/fussy spells. Maybe that would help you. The thing is, we wrote out the list/instructions together so he didn't feel like it was an attack on his parenting.

After a while, he got SO much better because he learned by watching me and just having them to himself. Maybe that's all your dh needs, a little time.

 

My DH has only watched DS a couple of times. He is totally dependent on me. He is breastfed so I cant go too far. He is also VERY needy. I have only left one or two times for 15-30 minutes each to run our older two kids to school and one time to get a gallon of milk at the grocery store. He will watch DD all day long and not care though. She is formula fed and is VERY content doing anything.

 

QUOTE(nadana77 @ Mar 26 2008, 04:26 PM) [snapback]688714[/snapback]
I was gone 45 mins and he had already put the babies down for a nap (it was way too early for one) he says they were fussy!

This happens here, too! He did this one time and then couldn't understand why they cried and cried but never fell asleep...ahhh let's see b/c they weren't tired!!
No suggestions just want you to know you are not alone!

 

This probably isn't even helpful to you but I thought I'd share anyway..

My DH is the ONLY person in the world who can do it AS WELL or BETTER than I can.

Why? Because he was never given a choice!!!

From DAY ONE- (day we started ttc).. He knew he was a integral role in taking care of our baby (didn't know it would be 2!) And fortunately, I knew that the ONLY way to "initiate" someone, doesn't matter who, into the "program" is by leaving no other choice!!

He stayed home w/ them cuz I LEFT! If I needed to bust out (and trust me.. I DID!!) I said.. "See ya! Have fun!" And that was that. He learned it right from day one. He did ALL of the nite feedings BY HIMSELF! Never once woke me up to "ask" me anything. I told him from the jump-- that I was not "in charge" of these kids and we were BOTH responsible even if I am a SAHM.

I felt/feel that he needs to be able to do it all.. Cuz I am not always going to be here!

I had to leave to go to my Gma's funeral with NO notice- (I drove 10 hrs speeding like a maniac)-- Because he had been "trained in" he said.. "GO! I've got this!! Don't worry about a thing!" ** they were 3 mos old!!!!

He arranged sitters, took care of them around the clock AND WENT TO WORK at 2 jobs!! Wow.

I have to say that if someone is given a choice they are going to choose NOT to know how to watch them by themselves.. Wouldn't you??

Anyway, best way is immersion.. total immersion.. Go away for an entire day and see how fast he learns the ropes.. It'll blow you away! He won't be putting them down for naps early anymore and suddenly "your" schedule will take on a whole new meaning!!!

I don't think anyone can truly "get it" until they have LIVED IT.. Nosy neighbors, well meaning friends etc etc.. co workers... They ALWAYS have a comment about what you should be doing or whatever.. I got soo sick of it, I just said.. "I challenge you to live my life for 2 hours.. You will NEVER say that to me again after you do that."

No one takes me up on it but I like saying it.

 

I think they are just pretending they can't handle it. Once a month I go out with my moms group for dinner and my dh is gets all worried about being with the boys alone. I tell him to deal with it. He usually calls me or texts me 500 times but the boys are fine when I get home.

 

QUOTE(joannabug @ Mar 26 2008, 04:39 PM) [snapback]688749[/snapback]
Well, since parenting is a learned task, maybe he needs to be alone with the babies more? I mean, unless he's so clueless that he's letting dangerous things happen (I didn't mean that to sound mean--I can't think of a better way to phrase it). Maybe a day a week alone with him would help him to find his own rhythm with the babies. I suspect you probably have thousands of hours more experience alone with them than he has, and maybe if he could clock in some more time, he could catch up a little bit.

Maybe also talking through routines and schedules before you leave would help? And trying not to worry too much (unless your babies do really badly with mixed-up schedules) if somethings gets a little off while you're gone?

Just a few ideas that come to mind...


Ditto. The first time I left my DH alone with the babies (to pick up a shift at work), things did not go well. He survived, but was very frazzled. But now it's a different story, he does just as well as I can. It helps that they are on a routine, all I do is write down the routine for him and he is able to follow it and do very well.

I agree the only way for him to learn is to do it. . .try to get out as much as you can and let him learn by trial and error, it's how all of us learned!!

 

no, mine has NEVER CHANGED A DIAPER--yes, you read right--but i cant really say much as it was a "deal" we made before trying to get pg!! i thought he would give in, but it's been 9 and a half months and he still gags whenever i open a poopy diaper and he's in the room!

to his credit, he pays for a mother's helper and i had paid help all day during the first month and now he even stays with them while i go to church on sundays or when i go to my girls night out once a week (even though they're sleeping, it counts!!)

i'm not complaining, he's a great dad--but he's very hard on himself and gets upset when he can't figure them out....

 

QUOTE(MichelleL @ Mar 26 2008, 07:00 PM) [snapback]688955[/snapback]
My dh was eager to have the girls by himself and he did a good job **IF** I left detailed instructions. He asked for them and I think it was wise to have them. I spelled out when they needed to eat, how much, how to set them up to eat, when to change, etc. etc. I think it helped tremendously. I would even write down suggestions to help ease crying/fussy spells. Maybe that would help you. The thing is, we wrote out the list/instructions together so he didn't feel like it was an attack on his parenting.

After a while, he got SO much better because he learned by watching me and just having them to himself. Maybe that's all your dh needs, a little time.


This is almost exactly what I was going to write!!! And now that my DH has tried my way of doing things and been alone with the girls, he's come up with new ways to handle situations that he's shared with me. Neither of us knew ANYTHING about babies before we had the girls so its definitely a learning process.

To the OP: I think your DH needs more opportunities to figure it out- he might not always do everything exactly your way, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. GL!

 

My hubby is a licensed daycare provider in our home.....not only does he care for our kids, but for other people's children also..........he does a GREAT job!!!!!

 

My DH has definitely gotten better since the twins came alone, but I don't think he has ever taken more than 1 kid on an errand at a time and he can't do anything around the house while watching them. Drives me nuts!

 

My husband is a stay at home dad and, most of the time, he does fairly well. The first week I went back to work was a bit rough and he now admits he was scared to watch the twins and our three year old alone. And I am only gone 5 hours a day!

With three (!) weeks of experience under his belt, he now does okay most of the time. He has as yet to venture out with all of them other than to the neighborhood park, but now that spring is here, I imagine one day soon, he will get his courage up!

That said, some days are really hard for him - much harder than they are for me when I have the three of them. He just gets frazzled more easily and has a harder time dealing with chaos. He also cannot multi-task to save his life. I have often wodered if this is his temperment or guy thing.

 

Beyond rushing out quickly for groceries, I get one afternoon a month to just get out of the house. DH survives. I don't know what he does with a really poopy diaper because he makes a scene about needing help when I'm home. I'm also prepared that when I get home they will still be in sleepers if I hadn't changed them before and there will be no bottles washed, formula made, diaper baskets restocked, excema cream applied... And of course he thinks I should be on cloud nine because I had a few hours away!
I've seen too many people bring up the husband's lack of help with children as part of a reason for divorce. We talked about it before having kids and DH told me that if I take over and shut him out, it will be my fault. I try really hard to step back and let him do it his way (not efficient, but not dangerous to the kids).
It's so hard to stand back, when he does bathtime I have to leave the room because he's so slow it drives me nuts (that's after I get the soaps, washclothes, moisturisers, diapers, sleepers , towels ready and even get the water to the right temperature - oh and wash their hair).

I agree with some PP, you really need to give him more time alone with the kids. Once he gets more confidence in his skills, he won't panic as much.

 

with my first this was true... i fussed and fussed about it ... my aunt said told me something that turned out to be so true.. the more you have the better he will get and low and be hold the twins came next and he got a little better watching all of them for a few hours at a time and then one weekend once then my fourth came and now he is a pro... ive been gone several times for out of town funerals, illnesses, and girls weekends float trip and he does it all... plus now I go out twice a month and thank god he is a pro now...

so my advice is one ... he will get better as they get older and two if you have more after each one he gets better and three he wont ever learn if he isnt made to do it and dont fuss how he does it just as long as they are alive happy and healthy LOL....

HTH

 

OMG! I am feeling you on this one! I have them all day 12+ hours and do fine. He has them for 45 minutes and you'd think the world was coming to an end. Grrrr!

 

DH is getting better with the twins. i stopped acting like he should do it exactly how i do it. when he feeds them i go in the other room. i bathe them because they are in the kitchen sink right now it's easier on my back and i am waiting for our bathroom to be done we gutted the whole thing. 10 days it will be done. anyway if he asks me i will give suggestions otherwise i let him learn just like i had to. he feeds them well changes diapers good plays with them. all this in about a week. he was basically just playing with them before so i can give them a bath.

now if i can only get him to clean the house.....hmmmm....is this another topic lol

 

QUOTE(ivfbound078 @ Mar 26 2008, 11:23 PM) [snapback]689004[/snapback]
This probably isn't even helpful to you but I thought I'd share anyway..

My DH is the ONLY person in the world who can do it AS WELL or BETTER than I can.

Why? Because he was never given a choice!!!

From DAY ONE- (day we started ttc).. He knew he was a integral role in taking care of our baby (didn't know it would be 2!) And fortunately, I knew that the ONLY way to "initiate" someone, doesn't matter who, into the "program" is by leaving no other choice!!

He stayed home w/ them cuz I LEFT! If I needed to bust out (and trust me.. I DID!!) I said.. "See ya! Have fun!" And that was that. He learned it right from day one. He did ALL of the nite feedings BY HIMSELF! Never once woke me up to "ask" me anything. I told him from the jump-- that I was not "in charge" of these kids and we were BOTH responsible even if I am a SAHM.

I felt/feel that he needs to be able to do it all.. Cuz I am not always going to be here!

I had to leave to go to my Gma's funeral with NO notice- (I drove 10 hrs speeding like a maniac)-- Because he had been "trained in" he said.. "GO! I've got this!! Don't worry about a thing!" ** they were 3 mos old!!!!

He arranged sitters, took care of them around the clock AND WENT TO WORK at 2 jobs!! Wow.

I have to say that if someone is given a choice they are going to choose NOT to know how to watch them by themselves.. Wouldn't you??

Anyway, best way is immersion.. total immersion.. Go away for an entire day and see how fast he learns the ropes.. It'll blow you away! He won't be putting them down for naps early anymore and suddenly "your" schedule will take on a whole new meaning!!!

I don't think anyone can truly "get it" until they have LIVED IT.. Nosy neighbors, well meaning friends etc etc.. co workers... They ALWAYS have a comment about what you should be doing or whatever.. I got soo sick of it, I just said.. "I challenge you to live my life for 2 hours.. You will NEVER say that to me again after you do that."

No one takes me up on it but I like saying it.


I ditto this! It was NEVER an option for us either. We were in this together. We were doing it all together...especially with two babies. To be honest DH started out doing more than me when I had Em and the twins. Not because I didn't want to, but he wanted me to rest and recoup from having them...especially the twins (c/s). But then he had to go back to work so then it was me. If he could be a stay at home dad, he would be in a heartbeat. This includes taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning, etc... He much rather do that than work. I love him for it too, cause that is not me though I am enjoying staying home with the girls this week.

I say he needs to be alone with them for a few hours. The more he is alone with them, the better it will get.

April

 

The first time I left my DH alone with them for an hour, I came home to find them screaming in their cribs with poopy diapers. He said they seemed fussy so he put them down for a nap (and it was nowhere near naptime). I went in and could smell the poop from the doorway. I asked him what would have happened if I hadn't come home when I did and he said he was just about to check on them (yet he was firmly planted in front of the computer when I came in). Another time, I told him they were ready for lunch and would he make them a sandwich while I ran a few errands. When I came home, he was standing in front of the stove making instant mac & cheese and they hadn't eaten yet (90 minutes past lunch time). He had just put the water on so I'm sure he did it because he heard me pulling into the garage.

I haven't left him alone with them for more than an hour since and avoid leaving at nap or meal times because I don't trust that he'll take proper care of them. It's really, really sad.

Don't let this happen to you.

 

HA HA... I think that it is us that thinks this more than they do. Make sense? I always think that because DH is not doing it my way he can not do it but he can do it great - HIS WAY!
Mine get laid down for naps at the wrong time, get bottles and fed at the wrong time but they are happy with clean butts and dirty faces when i come home. LOL... So all is well... He watched them the other day while i went for a pedicure - i left at 9:30, they had only been up for like 1.5 hours and when i got home by 11 they were napping already. HA HA! I am learned to let it go and just know that the kids need to learn how to be flexible and this is an easy way for that.

Take the day out to work for extra money and watch it all work out fine. It is good for them, makes my DH apprecaite me so much. I mean no bottles are cleaned, no dirty diapers are taken out, everyone in PJ's and lunch is all over their trays but happy they are so it is fine. They bounce back to mommies way just fine and all in all as they get older i think it gets easier for them.

ETA: I was in the hospital for severe dehydration March 4th and 5th and lo and behold he did great. He kept them all night long all by himself and they all survived.

 

Thanks Everyone! I'm glad to hear I'm not he only one & for the ones who's DH can do it give them a pat on the back! You are LUCKY!
Now that the DH sched had changed to weekends off I will be letting him spend more alone time with the babies.
Take Care,
Nadana

 

My DH has never been alone with them for more than an hour and even that turned into a total disaster. He freaks out at every little thing. I have just started to work again 2-3 days a week and he will have to watch them a couple of days a month. This Sat is supposed to be his first day alone, but his mom (who lives 1 mile away) just told him he could bring the babies to their house and come and go while they watch them. It's nice that they are so willing to babysit but I am also a little disappointed b/c I want him to get more comfortable watching them. Oh well. He'll have more chances.

Jen