Bonding issues - REALLY need help!

So, here I sit between feedings hoping that someone else has been in my shoes and it has turned out extremely well for them and will for me! Our babis were born on New Year's Eve, (36 weeks), both very healthy. Claire was 5lbs, and stayed with me the whole hospital stay, while Aubrey was 4lbs 2oz and has been in the NICU the entire time as a feeder/grower.

Taking care of Claire and spending time with her, I have completely fallen in love. She is amazing, so cute, and just - wow! But then, there's Aubrey - I know deep down that I love her, because she is my baby, but while in the hospital and now, I haven't had much time with her at all and I feel like she's someone else's baby. She is honestly not very cute yet (she's skinny, and I know she will be but now looks just like a little alien baby - and compared with Claire, who is just a doll but also a pound heavier...).

I feel horrible to say that it wasn't hard leaving her at the hospital, and I don't have a maternal urge to cuddle and coo over her like I do the other. I feel like a horrible mother!!! Does anyone have some hope to offer? I want to love Aubrey so much!

ETA: my husband spent a lot of time w/ Aubrey in the hospital, but with caring for Claire and not being able to take her to the NICU, we always had to tag-team going to see Aubrey. DH is bonded with both girls, and I am so thankful for that, but that may be why it is harder for me right now... ???

 

I was in a similar situation. My little Emily was 4 lb 6oz. I didn't bond with her for about 3 months. I still feel guilty about it. She was so tiny, had choking issues at the beggining, was under the light for jaundice, where as her twin my son Ryan was just perfect weighed 5 lbs 12 oz and just never had any issues. They are now two and I love them both so much. I think as time goes on like it did for me you will bond with her. I had to force myself to spend time with her, but like I said after about three months we finally clicked. I actually worry more about her when she cries then I do him now. Good Luck and just keep trying. My therapist ( yes post partum) said that it was because I was afraid I was going to lose her that my mind wouldn't let me bond. Feel free to PM me Stephanie

 

I haven't gone through the experience of having one home and one in the NICU, I can only imagine how difficult that would be. :hug: But I do not think you are horrible for what you are feeling - I think that is all very normal. You have one baby who you are totally responsible for - one who you can pick up, hold, cuddle, watch sleep, etc. all day/night long - and then you have another baby in a different location who nurses are taking care of most of the time. Of course you are going to feel more bonded to Claire - I think that is totally normal. Please don't be so hard on yourself about this. NICU stays are not easy, newborns are not easy - combine a NICU stay with a newborn - and TWINS on top of that - things are crazy, your hormones are out of whack - and your feelings are very real and perfectly okay. I am sure that when Aubrey comes home and you are responsible for her every hour of the day - you will feel just as bonded to her, too.

And I also think that when you have more than 1 child - while you love them all of the same - you are bound to have a variety of feelings for each of them at different times throughout you life. You might be able to relate to one child better, one child might frustrate you more, one child might be more bonded to their dad, etc. All very normal - and nothing at all for you to feel guilty about. I know, I know - easier said that done! I have my own struggles with guilt. It's hard being a mommy!

Congrats on your girls! Enjoy your time with Claire at home - enjoy your time with Aubrey in the NICU - and I'd almost guarantee that once you get sweet little Aubrey home, you'll feel the same about her as you do about Claire.

 

:hug: Stacy. I am so sorry that you are torn between home and the NICU. That is incredibly hard. While I dont have any experience in having one home and the other in the NICU, I think I went through some of the same feelings having one with really bad reflux and the other with just a touch of it. Derek was so much harder than Tyler when it came to feedings and I was the only one that had the patience (not DH) to deal with him and getting him to eat without vomiting all over the place. I was resentful of having such a difficult baby. But, I have to tell you that they switched back and forth as to who was more difficult. So, while you may not be bonding so much with your DD in the NICU, you may find that once she comes home its a different story. Hang in there. Your hormones are going crazy right now too and that could be part of it.

 

:hug: i also didn't have one baby at home and one in the NICU but i did have a hard time bonding with my girls, period. i would say that for the first three months they mostly just felt like a lot of work & i was constantly wondering why we thought it would be a good idea to have children. i often felt resentful at being stuck at home, at being the only one who could soothe them, at being the one who had to feed them, etc, etc. it wasn't until they started smiling really that i think the bonding started. i also felt a lot of guilt about it - but as PPs have already mentioned, it's all perfectly normal! and you will bond with Aubrey & you'll look back & wonder what you were so worried about. i read somewhere that humans are hard wired to bond with ONE baby at a time - so when we have multiples, it's just generally a much more difficult thing. it will come though. :hug:

ps love the names you chose, btw.

 

First I want to congratulate you on wonderful baby girls! Second, I think what you are feeling, give the situation you are in is perfectly normal. It is also probably easier for you to bond with Claire right now because you have been able to, while Aubrey has been in the NICU. Plus, as Rachel said, your hormones are all over the place and that does not help how you are feeling right now. I think once Aubrey comes home you will be able to bond with her like Claire. Just hang in there, you are already a great Momma! :hug:
For extra support, we have a NICU forum as well! I can't wait to hear more about your baby girls!

 

Give yourself some time and a break :hug: it will come. Both of my girls came home with me, but I did feel a bond to Hannah stronger early on. She was (dare I say it ) cuter and a better nurser. Natalie was work - and frankly I didn't have time to be understanding about it :blush: - it was frustrating and annoying. It didn't take long for it to resolve itself though.

I think when you have a relationship with any two or more other people the strength of each relationship tends to ebb and flow. (I think this is a "secret" that isn't talked about for the most part among parents - I don't think it means you love one child more than the other - just that relationships are complicated and affected by many factors simultaneously and that they are constantly evolving)

The fact that you are concerned about it tells me how much you do love her and what a great Mommy she has!! Now be kind to yourself and sneak in a quick nap!

 

I can offer a different perspective for you (and hopefully make you feel better!). My twins came home from the NICU together, and three weeks later we were back in the PICU with my daughter... and two weeks after that we spent 6 weeks (approx.) in CHLA ICU. I stayed with my daughter in the ICU, and saw my son three times the entire time I was there (it's a LONG way from home, and we have three boys my mother came to take care of, including my daughter's twin, and I was NOT letting my premie go to a HOSPITAL!!!). I bonded fiercely with my daughter during this time, and we co-bedded while we were there (I had also saved her life by performing CPR until the paramedics came to my home, and was having Post-traumatic stress). My new born boy bonded with my mother. I was heart broken. When I came home, I really felt alien with regard to my newest son (my others had issues too, but that is a different post). It didn't take long and he was "mine" again, and we bonded. It helped that I came home and continued to BF him (I pumped for him the entire time we were in Children's). However, I think holding your daughter every time you feed her (if you do not BF (BTW - I do not anymore, my twins are 10 mos.)), taking extra time and care to hold her close, will accomplish the same bonding. Buying her special clothes to come home in, or finding a special outfit to hang on her bassinet...

You will be amazed how quickly you feel "wow, I really thought we weren't bonded..." She's waiting for you Mommy My son waited for me!

 

I know how hard it is to have one baby left behind. DS was released from the NICU after 7 days, but DD was in for 30 days (She was only 2lbs). I had been in the hospital for 2 months before they were born, so DD1 and DH were anxious for me to be home. I only got to go to the hospital once a day, I couldn't BF her, and she slept the whole time I was there. She was so small I was scared to do the simple things like change her diaper or check her temp. I felt like the nurses could do a better job than I could. I also felt guilty that she was born too early.
All those things made it hard to bond. But it definitely got easier when we got home. When she relied on me for all her needs.When I finally got to act like "her mommy"
Things will get better soon, and you will let all those other feelings slip away. Check out the NICU forum for more help.
Congratulations on you babies!