Blindsided by questions about death

So, Danika blindsided me this afternoon - I have a picture of my mom hanging in our living room with a group of family photos. Danika asked who the picture was and I explained that it was my mom, that she had died before her & Riley were born, but that she was their grandma & she would have loved them very much if she had been able to meet them. I thought that would be it, but Danika became very upset that my mom was dead, upset that she couldn't meet her or make her better. She asked where she had died & I explained that she had died in the hospital. Danika wanted to go there to see where she had died (I think this was about understanding what death means). She was very upset & confused that my mom couldn't come back to life. She wanted to draw her a card to make her better. I kind of pooched the whole conversation, partly because I wasn't expecting it to come up yet but also partly because how-the-heck-do-you-explain-death-to-a-three-year-old?!?!? Anyway, that's why I'm posting this here - anyone? How do you explain death to a three year old in an age appropriate, realistic way, but that isn't going to scare the crap outta them?

 

Sesame Street did a special a few years ago called When Families Grieve. You can still view it here . The site also has other tools and tips to help parents and other adults explain death.

 

One of my best friends died very suddenly a few months before my twins turned 5, he died of an aortic dissection. It was a huge shock and I probably wasn't in the right frame of mind, but I remember telling them that his heart wasn't strong enough and that it broke and he died so we couldn't go see him anymore, but he would still watch over us. One of the twins actually compared it to a video game character losing health! I think I kind of went along with that just to end the conversation, they were more concerned with why I was so upset anyway.

But you know a couple months later, their teacher's (preschool) mother in law passed away and the twins said something to their teacher about her heart not being strong enough and that was okay because she would be able to watch over her. Their teacher told me about it after class and she was genuinely touched.

 

No real advice, just hugs. It's hard to deal with the things kids throw at us some days, especially when it's such an emotional topic.

 

:hug:
My husband and I have had to explain a few times to our kids over the past 2 years with my Dad dying, our cat dying and them asking questions about DH's parents as well. We tell them even though they are not hear with us, they are always in our hearts. I've told them how much their Pop-Pop loved them and will always love them and their Grandma and Grandpa in Heaven love them too (we do believe in an afterlife, so that does come into the explanation). I say it's okay to be sad that they are not here and you can't see them but always know that they love you.
When they ask how, I just explain that their bodies were too sick for the doctor's to fix.

 

I think this conversation is a little easier because we are religious and my children have always been taught about Heavenly Father and Jesus and how we can't see them but they're watching over us and sometimes you can feel them there with you. When my MIL passed away, my kids were 7, 5, 3 and 5 weeks old. My 7 year old took it harder than almost anyone in the family (except probably my FIL). She had cancer and we had already explained to the kids that there was a bad sickness that was making her body stop working little by little. At the end, my oldest would just go sit in the bedroom with her, even if she wasn't coherent... she just loved her grandma so much and wanted to be with her. When she passed away, we explained that when her body finally stopped working, her spirit went to live with Heavenly Father. She's still watching over us, and sometimes you can almost feel her there. Someday, when our bodies stop working (but that's probably a long time from now), we'll get to see her again. And we also let them know that it's totally ok to feel sad and even mad, because we love and miss her and it's hard not to have her here with us. My twins obviously don't remember her at all. But we have a really sweet picture of her holding both of them when they were just a week or two old. They LOVE to look at it and know it's their Daddy's Mom.

 

There's a book called "Mommy, What's Died?" that can be helpful in explaining death to young children.

 

:hug: Ivy had some epic freakouts when she first started asking about death. I don't believe in an afterlife, and told her so, but also told her that no one really knows what happens after death, but some people believe [quick rundown of different beliefs]. When she realized that everyone dies, she would sometimes break down crying and wailing "But I don't want to die!" Totally heartbreaking. But what helped with that was just holding her and telling her me too, I don't want to die either, and it makes me sad too - and told her it's ok to feel sad or scared, we can talk about it and give each other hugs. And then I tried to shift the focus to what a long life she has ahead of her, and enjoying life and making the most of it and all that. It took a while, but she came to terms with it and hasn't freaked out like that for a long time.

 

I think this is really important for kids. Validating their feelings, I think helps them cope with them so much better.

 

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts & ideas! I feel like I have some good options now the next time it comes up. I agree that validating her feelings is the most important thing & sharing my own feelings as well - that's the part I feel I didn't do as well on this time because I was so unprepared for how strongly she responded. :unknw: