Black and Blue (& frustrated too!)

Hi -
I know I have seen a few posts on this one, so I'm guessing this is fairly common at this age...but, it doesn't stop it from being so upsetting. My DS is hitting (a LOT & HARD!) and even biting (a little). He is 2.5 and it is mainly me that he hits but sometimes DH, and sometimes his sister. Happens whenever he doesn't get what he wants: diaper changes (he's not PT'd yet), going to bed at night, leaving playground, etc. We are trying to be consistent and say OUCH no-hit, then into time out. I'm almost positive that he knows he it is wrong but still does it. He has excellent language skills so it is not a communication thing (I don't think).

I have two questions - not sure if any one has any thoughts.....

- has anyone found a helpful book (kids book) that deals with hitting? I find sometimes that reading a book to them about a subject helps but strangely can't find one about hitting.

- my kids have been in daycare part time and have just started a new daycare going full time. I am worried that some of this is a result of stress. Has anyone else found their kids started hitting when they are stressed? Not sure how worried I should be if this is the cause!! Ahhh...the guilt.

thank you.

 

The only book I can think of at the moment, although I'm sure there must be others, is Hands Are Not for Hitting (it also comes in a board book version, which I think may be slightly simplified, I'm not sure). The same series also has Teeth are Not for Biting if you want something to address that as well.
Do you give him warnings for when things he doesn't want to do are coming up? I've always found that a helpful way to keep tantrums/bad behaviours from happening so much. For example with leaving a playground I do a countdown warning from five minutes before I want to leave. At that age I told them every minute; "Five minutes more, then we have to go home." "Four minutes.../Three minutes..." and showed them the number of fingers. Then at one minute I'd tell them to choose "one last thing" to do before we left. Now they're older I just tell them five minutes and then to pick one last thing. You can do the same sort of thing with a diaper change/bedtime or pick something more tangible like "when you finish eating your apple we need to change your diaper" "we can listen to one more song/read one more story and then it's time to put pyjamas on". It can also help to focus on the next fun thing; "let's change your diaper and then we can play outside/do drawing/go to the library".
I know you said he has excellent language skills but is his expressive language (the ability to say how he's feeling/what he thinks) good? Being able to essentially say 'I don't like it' or 'I don't want to' is the language that makes a difference in reducing angry/frustrated hitting and biting.

It's possible that his hitting is linked to the change in daycare (of course it's also possible that it's just a coincidence in timing) because it does take time to adjust to new situations, how much depends on his personality. I wouldn't say you should be worried if that is the cause though. It's normal for children to need time to transition when something changes in their lives and acting out is a typical response to change. As long as you handle it well (which you're doing by being consistent with your responses and looking for the cause) it shouldn't be anything more than a phase while he gets used to it. Certainly you should try not to feel guilty, I'm sure you didn't change their daycare for the fun of it. Does he tend to hit while he's at daycare? If so what is their response to it? It might help to make sure he's getting a consistent response across daycare and home.

 

I can't remember what book I read, but one of the multitude of parenting books made a recommendation that when someone hits, jumps, bites, runs or any behavior you DON'T want, instead of saying "no hit", say "hands are for hugging" or whatever good behavior you want. At age 2.5, they don't understand the negative with the word, so you say no hit, it becomes hit in their mind. It's interesting, and really seemed to help when my kiddos were that age.

Also, at that age I started saying "do you want the red shirt or the blue shirt?" , giving them some control and choice, and that seemed to help acting out behaviors.

Good luck.

 

Thank you - I really like these suggestions. I tried counting down the time (to give a little warning) before bed tonight and it really seemed to work. I never thought of doing that before but it really makes sense. Nobody likes an unpleasant surprise s helping them understand what is coming is a great idea. Thanks for your thoughts on my daycare question too. The transition is proving to be just as hard on me apparently!

I never really thought about the kids not understanding negativity but it really does make sense. And funny enough when we got our dog (10 years ago now) I remember the breeder told us not to use negative like no bite, because all the puppy hears is "BITE". Guess it applies for kids too!!! LOL