Birthday invite for one

Austin got a birthday invite today from his kinder class, and it's a boy that Miles says he plays with regularly. I suspect that either Miles' invite was missed, the mom doesn't know they're twins, or some other twin-related misunderstanding. The boys both knew about the birthday party, so if the invite was really meant for one kid there's going to be some heartbreak, especially because they're in the same class. If they were in different classes I wouldn't blink an eye about it.
 
So, what do I do? Do I clarify with the mom? Check with the teacher? Leave it alone and let Austin go? Not go?

 

Also, it's for a bowling birthday party so I know they'll need exact numbers.

 

That's a tough one.  Do you know the mom at all?  If so, I'd ask her, but if not, I'd ask the teacher her thoughts on it.  Maybe the teacher could ask the mom??

 

That's a really tough one.  I'd probably find some reason why we couldn't go, decline the invite, and just leave it at that... but I'm a wuss and would feel awkward bringing it up with the mom or teacher.

 

I don't. The boys takes the bus, and I a pretty sure the mom wasn't on the volunteer list, so I think she probably hasn't met the boys or knows they're twins. I honestly think it was a mix up too as some of the kids still get miles and Austin confused. Right now I am leaning toward just not going... Although I really would like the boys to see friends outside of school more.

 

I think I will decline... But I will wait a day or two to make sure the invite wasn't lost.

 

Do you have a RSVP number? It just seems very odd in Kindergarten that they would only invite a few kids from a class.

 

There is an RSVP, I just don't want to make her feel bad and add numbers to the party. I know they pay per child at this place so it's possible they just wanted to bring a couple of friends? And it's surprising how many other parents don't know the boys are twins still,so it may be that this boy was inviting one of them and not the other? I just don't want to impose.

 

Well you could call and say you can't go because there isn't anyone to look after his twin brother or something... see what she says, lol. I just think it's weird though!

 

I might mention something to the teaching assistant about it... She is probably the one who put them in the backpacks and would know if the other mom is approachable. I have been looking for non awkward ways to set up play times,so this would be a great opportunity to see people outside of school.

 

Or what if I declined with an invitation from both of the boys for a play date? I know I m completely over thinking this. I am just as socially awkward as they come.

 

It's a tough one. We've had single invites come home a couple of times, only to have the other come home a few days later or the a parent call to clarify that the invite was for both girls, so definitely give it a few days. I personally resolved some time ago that when the first time comes that only one is invited, that would be alright. So I've been talking with the girls off and on about the possibility for a while now. And lo and behold, just this week we had our first official single invite. There was a pretty big melt down at first but now it's ok. I just acknowledged feelings and let her express her frustration.

I think ultimately, for me, I don't want the girls to be excluded from things because people feel if they invite one, they *have* to invite both. I'd prefer that people know they can come one at a time or both together, depending on what works for the other kid/family and that's just fine.

 

I definitely feel that next year when they have a bit of separation I will be ok, and even welcome, having them do separate things. I hate that they're in the same class right now for this exact reason. I also think in this case the mom/kid has the boys confused if they were only going to invite one because Austin never plays with this particular boy and Miles does. I think that's why I am questioning it so much, actually.. I feel like miles would be very hurt to not be invited by this boy.

The boys have some friends who always come as a package deal and it does get frustrating because they naturally get along better with one sibling. I definitely don't want to constantly impose that on everyone.

It really sucks that they have to go through this though... One of the crappy things about being a twin. Although it probably makes me sadder than they will be!

 

Ugh. That is tricky. I wish I could tell you what the right thing to do was.

 

I would wait a couple of days and see if another invite comes home.  I am sure it is just a misunderstanding on the part of the Mom (or that they had to limit their numbers due to it being a bowling party) That being said, if nothing comes home in a couple of days, I would decline, given the particular situation.

 

Honestly, I would just ask.
 
Say, "Sincere question for you: we have received an invite from (your kid) for Austin, did you send one for Miles as well? Because if you did, I haven't seen it and I don't know whether to RSVP for one or for two.  If it's just Austin, that's great, he'll be there.  If it's both, that's great and they'll both be there." 

 

 
Bex, Normally I would agree with this, but Jen is saying that Miles is the one who plays with this boy more than Austin.  For this reason I would decline unless Miles also gets an invite because of the drama that would ensue over Austin going to "Miles' friend's party."  But that could just be my 'grief-avoidance' at work. 

 

My point is maybe the mom is under the assumption that they are the same child (gasp) or maybe the child got the names mixed up.  How would you know unless you asked?   I've been on both ends of the question before.  And I've been told "no" before. . .or maybe even they were both invited but she forgot to send the invite or write Miles' name on the envelope. 
 
And what I would do if it was just one of my kiddos being invited (because my two share the same three friends and it has happened before) I would tell the other that "Alice is going to a birthday party for Sophie on Saturday afternoon.  I'm sorry that you weren't invited, BUT you get to have me or your dad for an entire afternoon all to yourself.  What do you want to do that day, do you want to go bowling, ice skating, or to the movies?" 
 
Of course, I'm about being up front with everyone. 
 
Is this how old women lose their filters?  :girl_devil:

 

Aren't your boys identical? I'm calling a possible mix up on the names maybe.

But I agree up thread-decline because you have no one to watch his twin. We've dealt with this birthday party thing. And due to dhs work etc, I've said I'm coming with x child, but I'll be hanging with y and z during the party. And I pay/offer to pay, etc. It's never been an issue. N got invited to a party on Saturday. So did Annabella. I'm away. SIL will take Annabella. Dh will take N(kid on soccer team, mom knows he has a brother). And Anthony will tag along and do something on the side at the party with dh.

I hate this stuff too. When we came across this back in October, n invited friends from soccer, a invited friends from school. Everyone happy.

I get a phone call from one of the moms the following day(who a invited from class). "I'm SO sorry! We forgot N's gift at home! It was crazy and we ran out without it. Can I drop it off at the house??"

I was speechless. Did I say something that just A invited him? Would that make it awkward for her? Because now she's got this gift for my kid she said she was swinging by?? Total awkwardness lol! She dropped it off at CCD and apologized profusely. But my gut tells me she felt bad they were twins and only got one gift.

All that to say-good luck! Give it a few days. And be honest with mom and say, you can't go you have no one to watch his twin. She may say bring him, you decline/offer to pitch in, whatever you feel comfortable with.

These twins need directions, huh?!?

 

If your boys want to go to the party, I would call the mom and ask.  
I'm surprised they can bring home party invitations for just some children.  In my girls school it is the whole class ( maybe same gender) or they can't be handed out in school.  (and you have to be member of the PTA to get a class list or the school directory)
 
I remember when my girls were in K ( different classes) Sydney was invited to a birthday party of a boy who was in their pre-k class.  You had the option of calling or emailing hte RSVP, i remember calling and hoping to speak to the mom, but only got the voicemail.  Of course as soon as DH took Sydney to the party the mom was, you should have brought Dani.
 
 
Sydney was invited to a party this year without Dani,  I had to take Dani with me to drop her off, as soon as the mom saw Dani, you could tell she was embarrassed that she didn't think to invite Dani.  

 

 
I don't have a filter. Is 30 old?
 
I would have Austin go and Miles would not. Miles would get some time at home or elsewhere- book store, jumpy house, whatever is close and would be fun for him. 
 
I think it's important to start practicing this stuff now, though. It hurts, but it's not life-shattering pain and the reward, to me, is that you get 2 independent adults. 

 

I asked the teacher's assistant today and she said that the invite was for both boys. She wrote the names on the invites, ran out and forgot to go back and write miles' name on too. But all the boys in the class are invited. I am happy that both boys get a chance.. We have been struggling to make friends, so I would like the opportunity to network a bit.

But, thanks for all the input! I feel much better being prepared next time around. I know they'll have to face the heartache, but we are struggling through some confidence issues so in glad to avoid it for now.

 

Also: Ithe only filter I have anymore is engaged until my kids can send emails and sort this stuff out themselves. Everyone else can ... Wait, I guess I still have a bit of a polite filter.

 

That sounds more likely to me-most schools dont let invites go home unless they are to the entire class or the entire gender in the class, this way no kids are feeling left out-otherwise you have to make contact on your own to invite friends.  I'm glad to hear this was in fact the case with Austin and Miles-that seemed strange that the one twin the birthday boy plays with didnt get invited.  I probably would have presented the question the way Bex suggested had you not figured things out.

 

I am late to the party, but I was going to say check with the teacher on the school policy.  Ours is the same, that invites don't get given out in school unless the entire class/gender in the class is invited.  Glad to hear it worked out.

 

Oh that's good to hear! Hope they enjoy the party!

 

We've had lots of single invitations, but my girls were in separate classes from kindi on (and now in different schools even).  But if they are in the same class, that is odd.  I'd give it a day or two to see if another invitation comes home, then I'd probably just decline if one does not.  It's completely expected and a teaching moment having separate invitations for separate classroom friends, but for a friend in the same class as both, it's not so much, IMO.
 
I will sometimes RSVP for one of my girls, and the parent will tell me to please bring her twin along too.  But I never ask for that to happen.

 

We get mostly evites for parties now and it is so confusing because they just assume you only have one child in the classroom. It will just say, "Your child is invited to so and so's birthday" ugh! I always have to send a message and ask which boy is invited. My boys dont look anything alike so I know it isn't ever a case of mistaken identity

 

I would call the mom and say "is it OK that his twin join the party - I'll gladly reimburse you for the cost" - that way the ball is in her court, and there are always SOME kids that don't go, so if she doesn't meet a minimum she has to pay for that many kids anyway.