Balancing newborn twins with 4.5yo

Our b/g twins are almost three weeks old. Adoring big brother is 4.5. We could not ask for more in terms of his response...he is loving, caring, always brags about them and wants to tell people all about them. This has nothing to do with jealousy.

I work fulltime, mom is home with the twins for another 9 weeks or so. She is typically alone with them from 8-5 or so, then I arrive home after picking up the 4.5yo from daycare.

The 4.5yo is a HUGE daddy's boy. Has been for years. I am a very involved dad and proud of that fact, and love spending time with him. But it's making it very difficult for me to help mom out with the twins. After school he wants to ride bikes, play outside, play knee hockey in his room, etc. Always wants me with him, which is how it's always been. I've always put him to bed because he responds to me better. Then at night, if he has a nightmare or wakes up with growing pains, he wants me to lay down with him. It's just the way it's always been and we don't want to suddenly change things because the twins are here.

But you can see the problem: mom is pretty much alone with the twins 24/7.

If the 4.5yo sleeps fine all night, I help with the twin night feedings. And if he immerses himself in a movie or solo play time around dinner, I grab a twin or two, give mom a break, and make dinner. But it's when he demands my full attention that my wife feels overwhelmed and a bit alone. She's not mad at me...she just never gets a break. She wants my son to have the daddy time he's always had, but it's at the expense of her sanity.

Anyone face something like this? How did you keep the older child happy and "normal" while juggling the new twins?

 

I have 3 1/2 yr old twins and 2 mo old twins so I know about the juggling of time. As a parent of 4 kids, one kid can not take all of a parents time or get everything they want. While it is hard at times, it also makes for better kids to learn to share time wtih parents. Just as when they get older and want to play with you also, you need to give your twins time. At this age it may not have to be equal but they need daddy time too. My DH used to think that the girls hated him b/c they would cry when he tried to comfort them. Now that he has spent more time with them, they like him more and he loves the smiles they give him. You have to develop a relationship with the babies just as with the 4 yr old.I think if you think about it as the babies are demanding the attention just like your 4 yr old, it will be easier to balance the time. I would try to make change slowly. Start by telling your son from x time to x time (maybe 30 min) your sisters need me. After that you get to decide what we will do. After a few days of that lengthen the time. Also during the baby time, get him to help you so it is the men helping the babies so mom can have a break. I am amazed at home much my 3 1/2 yr olds can do that is really helpful for the babies, They give the biggest smiles for their big brother and sister.

Please take this advice as it was meant. I know I don't have all the answers and I am sure you are a great father, but maybe here are some new ideas that might help the adjustment.

 

My friend whose kids have about the same age gap has a clock on which different colors mark different times - daddy time, mommy time, solo play time, dinner time, bed time. That way, you don't have to go through the same thing every day and your son knows that he'll have you reliably for the same time every afternoon. Another way that we've found useful even with our 2 1/2 year olds is a timer - I set it when I need to go give the baby a bath and when it rings, I'm back with them. We've also found that they actually love being involved with the caretaking - we bathe the baby together, they help rubbing her in with cream, etc.
I'm sure you'll find a great way of balancing everything! It sounds like you both are so involved and engaged - only good will come out of that

 

What about a sling? That way you could wear one of the babies but still have your hands free to play with your older one. My husband did this a LOT...my older one was just over 2 when they girls were born but wanted/needed lots of time with his daddy. This way I had a break and could deal with one baby at a time when DH was home.

 

First let me say I am IN LOVE with the fact that you as a dad have reached out for advice! Thats AWESOME! Now I agree with what others have said about teaching your sweet boy that he has to share his time now. LOVE the idea of the color coded clock, also wearing one of the babies and still playing with your son. What is the weather like where you are and were your twins preemies? If the weather is nice and the babies were born healthy and strong I would say when you get home from work, (and I know your tired another reason I love that your asking for help) pop those sweet girls in the stroller or the sling(you can carry both in a MOBY and its comfortable) and head on outside. Your sweet little boy can ride his bike, do sidewalk chalk kick the ball and the twins are safe and also geting fresh air. (you will be amazed how that will affect their sleeping in the best ways)this can give mom a break. If it is in the budget think about getting a membership to a food delievery service or one of those places where you can go make a bunch of meals at one time and freeze them. Then momma or daddy(before heading outside) can pop it in the oven and mom can jump in the shower or take a nap or whatever she wants while daddy and the kiddos are outside playing. it gets easier I promise. I have a 9 year old daughter and 10 month old twins and the first few weeks are the hardest. you have to get adjusted, moms hormones have kicked into super crazy overdrive etc. Do you have a family memeber or friend who can come help out in the daytime? Who could come fold and put away laundrey, unload or load or both the dishwasher? Who could just sit with the twins while mom walks around the block (the fresh air will be amazing for her too) or while she runs to the store or post office or just anywhere to get out of the house? That could be huge too. Also you can check into your local college and see if they have a nanny program. I know here Sullivan University has one and the students have to have out in the world experiance and so for FREE you can sign up to have a nanny student come over once a week. You can't leave but she is in charge of the kids and you (or in this case your wife) can go to the bedroom, take a shower, take a nap, play online, read a book whatever and the nanny is taking care of the twins.

Just some ideas. GOOD LUCK!

 

I'm sure what your wife desires most is time by herself, but...when that can't happen, you could talk to your son about having dates with mommy. When you get home, you could take over with babies & let mommy take him out for something special. She could even get an errand done if it's still special time with him. Im sure there are lots of.considerations with the babies' feeding, but fresh air & sunshine sure make a lot of difference!

I have 8mo twins, a 20mo, & a 4yo. Now when I just take the 4yo with me, it feels like a real break.

 

I feel a bit of what your wife feels too! My twins are now almost 4 months old and bc I am busy with the twins, my daughter (2 yrs, 3 months) is now becoming a daddy's girl. She cries and cries when he goes to work, and when he comes home she instantly monopolizes him and says "daddy, wanna play?". First--it's utterly ADORABLE how much she truly loves him. But I at times found myself a bit frustrated too and told my DH that sometimes it's not that I need a break from the 2 yr old--it's the twins I'd love help with. BUT, then I had to sit down and remind myself that my 2 yr old is only up for a few hours while DH is home and then goes to bed--and the twins will be up for hours after she's in bed.... so realistically, I "KNOW" that the time spent when DH gets home SHOULD be with my 2 yr old, and the twins once she's in bed. That helps to remind myself that. But yes, at times I feel a bit frustrated... as my daughter does not want him to play/pay attention to the twins upon coming home. And it's still a huge adjustment period so it's understandable!

I don't have a ton of advice as to what you can do differently-but just wanted to add my insight and point out that your son prob goes to bed shortly after you get home, and the twins are up and can get their "daddy time!" after he goes to sleep. (Although yes, it's still hard on your wife in some aspects--but easier too bc you are entertaining your son!).

Baby wearing is a great idea though!!