Baby daddy drama Just gotta vent!

GRRR, ok so it's been forever since I've posted anything and I should know better than to just pop up to rant but I can't help it...I'm about to pull my hair out.

DB (short for DeadBeat for lack of a better name), completely stopped attending appointments about 6 months ago, even when I ask him and call to remind him. Claims he doesn't get my messages but that's a whole other rant in itself. So basically he has no idea what is going on with his kids. He sees them for 2 hours on Saturdays and never at the same time, he just calls and says when he'll be over. Christmas was a complete let down, more for me because the boys are still too young to realize what a DB their father is. First, he could not be bothered to see the boys for x-mas because he had to work. I tried to make arrangements around his schedule so that he could still see the boys on Christmas day, but he and his wife insisted that there was no way it could be done. He didn't work 24 hours, just had more pressing issues I imagine. We now have a custody plan that states we are to split holidays and he has volunteered to work all of them so far. So, he celebrated X-mas this past Saturday. I'm most upset with what he got my boys. First, he was talking about buying Cainen a carseat, since it's very hard to shop for him. When I told him my mother got him a carseat he opted to get him a lame last minute gift, a mobile. I should not be so pissed but Cainen has a severe cortical visual impairment and does not see well to begin with, and the fact that he is almost 15 months old made this dark colored mobile an obvious thoughtless purchase. Second, he bought Braeden an interactive toy, that didn't work. I took the gifts back to BRU as he failed to even wrap them and just delivered them in the bag they were bought in and traded what I could for clothes.

OK, so I'm pissed and just like everything else it will eventually blow over. I just cannot keep from being utterly discusted by this man. I have spent countless hours searching the internet for toys appropriate for a child with severe brain damage, visual impairments, cerebral palsy among other things and even when as far as discussing my findings and why I bought the toys I bought. Hells bells, I even offered to go with him shopping and to take the boys so he could see them react to certain things. But no, there would be none of that.

I want to express my feelings to him and his wife, but I do not want to blow up or it to turn into an ugly mess. Do I just tell him that his gifts were crap? I mean, at least he bought them something this year. You'd think that between the two of them they'd have a brain cell capable of buying something my kids could use, like diapers? I want him to know that I returned what he bought but I don't want to be nasty, I do have to deal with him for a long time to come and I want to try to be as civil as possible.

Help?

 

I don't know if this helps at all...but have you thought of doing a registry for the boys each time there's an upcoming bday or holiday that requires gift giving? That way EX will know exactly what they like (and need)...and there won't be any disappoint for the boys...
It's sad to know he's not more active in his sons' lives, even to the point of not knowing what they're into agewise...I hate to play "devil's advocate" for your EX but maybe he didn't want to buy diapers because he wanted to give the boys something he THOUGHT they'd enjoy...
If you decide on using the registry idea in the future, maybe you can incorporate this into the conversation you have with him about taking the things he bought back...like, "B's toy didn't work, and what you bought C he can't fully appreciate, but I have researched and compiled a registry of toys that are both fully functioning and situation appropriate..that way when you get some time off of work, you can go straight to the list and buy something you know they will like!" This way you're killing 2 birds with one stone: the boys get stuff you KNOW they will like and you can tell Dad his gifts were crap; but in a nice way! :icon_biggrin:
It probably will disgust you to still be coddling this man who, as an adult father of twins should know the toy game by now...but you are very wise and very VERY on spot when you said that it's best to be civil since you're going to have to deal with this man for a long time to come...

 

That must be really frustrating, to say the least. I think Jennifer is onto something with her Gift Registry suggestion. Specialty shops probably won't be able to do a registry or wish list for you, but he may not be comfortable shopping at a specialty shop anyway. So maybe a wish list at TRU/BRU or target or something would help guide him.

I don't know the man, so I can't speak for him, but I wonder if the toy shopping is overwhelming. I mean, to be quite honest, I am terribly overwhelmed when I try to choose gifts for my kids and we don't really have anything such as special needs to consider. It sounds like you work hard to try and keep him up to date on everyone's progress, needs, likes and dislikes, but could it just be info overload for him right now (as in, hoping in time it seeps in)?

I wouldn't want to tell him his gifts are crap. I can easily imagine how he may have actually put some thought into the gifts but didn't quite hit the target. And I would probably let him know that I exchanged them, but without criticizing the gifts. I know you don't want to baby the man, and you shouldn't, but I would be careful not to discourage him from trying again next time. If he feels like you're going to complain when he makes an attempt, he may decide not to try next time and that wouldn't be fair for the boys So I would probably just let him know that you exchanged one toy because it wasn't working and you exchanged the mobile because you found something that you thought Cainen could get more use out of. And wrap it up with a Thank You, they'll get a lot of use out of this new thing and that new thing.

All that said...I'm sorry you're stuck dealing with someone who doesn't seem to be making his children a priority. Whatever is working in his mind, I hope he gets to that point where he can make it a point to be around for them...and soon! In the mean time, those little ones are hugely blessed to have a mama who works so hard looking out for them!!

 

I think telling him in a non-smugly way that you had to return their gifts. Something along the lines of, "it was a great idea you buying them that, but....." So many men have no clue so it's no surprise that he doesn't.

Anyway, you're a great mom and hang in there. My dad had hardly anything to do with me and my brothers and my mother never bad mouthed him (not in front of us,anyway). We still grew up to learn on our own what a DB he was. Big hugs to you...

 

Sorry to hear about the drama, I hope you are doing ok....seems like a long time since we have seen you post.

K&K's dad is not a deadbeat and he doesn't see them on most holidays. Sometimes he works (which I actually think it a good thing because it means he is holding down a job, willing to make sacrifices to keep it etc etc which alot of deadbeats couldn't care less if they have a job never mind actually show up to work on a holiday) and sometimes he doesn't work and does whatever with his family (which apparently doesn't include K&K). I am ok with that because I am thinking he actually thinks he is doing me a favor by planning his holiday celebrations for other days and allowing the children to be with me on the actual day. I will let that continue as long as he wants unless the children say something in which case I will try to work something out where they can see him on the holidays as well. Right now they are perfectly content with the schedule but the first time they say something to the contrary I will go into action.

Love the gift registry and some of the other thoughts mentioned above for how to talk to their dad so I won't repeat but just know he will not learn if he has noone to teach him. I am sure this is his first experience with premature twins and while you are taking the initiative to educate yourself, he needs someone to do the same for him (politely of course).

Nice to see you, good luck with talking to him!

 

I agree with the registry or an Amazon list. We have an Amazon list and that is a great way to share toys that are developmentally appropriate and has cut back on 'odd' or 'useless' gifts.

TRU has a 'differently-abled' portion on their site that you can look up gifts for different impairments. It was great for when I was working when I was looking for toys for my girls before they could walk ( they both have mild cp).

I think he made an effort, and that at least is something. Having a special needs child can be overwhelmening and that may hinder his judement in how he approaches gifts/holidays/ and other events. Has he sought counseling or advice/ support groups?? That may help him cope & or give him appropriate ideas on how to interact with his sons. As a side note, I would not buy diapers as a gift unless specifically asked for , for fear I would offend. I woudl rather get a toy that could be returned.

HTH and nice to see you back!! =]

KC

 

It's really a shame that your X won't try to be a good father, it's got to be really hard on you. What if you got the TRU catalog (or circular) and circled all of the things that your boys could use, maybe color-coded for each child? The X wouldn't have to even log onto his computer then, so hopefully no excuses from him. You sound like a very loving mom, I hope things get better for you! :hug99:

 

Thank you all for the suggestions. To be quite honest I never thought of a registry simply because I have an older son and was afraid people would think I was too forward in "requesting" certain things. Now it just makes sense. As far as DB and his relationship with the boys, I know he loves them and I understand he is afraid of the circumstances. I just wish he'd take his head out of his butt and grow up. Oh yeah, did I mention that he has yet to pay a penny in child support and his wife is about 5 months pregnant and from day one has refused to work? That's another reason I try not to be a nagbag, reality will serve him a swift dose of his own medicine...

 

Something I learned is you will never turn him into the dad you want him to be. I know with my XH I thought he'd want to spend all his free time with my son and I was disappointed when he chose not to.. in the long run what matters is I get to spend that much time with him.

 

I totally understand hun. My girl's dad couldn't come for their b-day or Christmas but didn't send them anything either. He said "there are other ways to show you care." I was like "ya by under pay Child support and calling one a month"