au pairs?

i finally convinced dh we should get an au pair - yay! we REALLY need the scheduling flexiblity that this will entail, as I just started a consulting project and I'll be commuting into the city 3 days a week and working from home one - plus it's so much cheaper than a nanny. yay!

so - i need your advice on how to select an au pair that will be a good fit for our family.
also - does anyone have a letter that they wouldn't mind sharing with me? if so, please email it to [email protected]

thanks!

 

We have had the same au pair for 2 years now and it couldn't have been a better decision for our family. I really had no clue about the process when we joined our agency, but our area manager helped us figure out what to look for, ask for and how to find the right fit. Like I said, we went through an agency, which I recommend for many reasons. I would be happy to send you our family letter if I can find it. We basically just described our family and our needs. We explained things our family enjoys doing, our general attitudes towards life, our pets (for allergy reasons) and the type of person we would like to have join our fmaily. For example, I said we were a fairly laid back family, flexible and fun. Little did I realize that none of the au pairs had any clue what "laid-back" means! That is something to keep in mind because our slang, sayings and culture are so different from others!

One thing that was different in our selection process was that we requested an "elite" au pair (called diff, things with diff. agencies), which is a person with more experience than a standard au pair(also more expensive). I was pregnant with the twins while we were looking and I knew with a 2.5yr old and newborn twins, I needed more experience to feel comfortable. When we renew, we will go with a standard au pair. Since we were looking for elite, we had a smaller pool of girls to choose from, which made things much easier. We narrowed our search to 3 girls, which we spoke to on the phone several times each before we decided on the right one. We actually offered the job to one girl and she had decided to go with another family so we went with the person we have now. It turned out to be for the best for so many reasons. Out twins turned out to have autism and she was a teacher at a special school in Brazil for autism. I have to believe it happened for a really good reason. (We could not decide between the 2 girls and literally flipped a coin to decide which to offer it to.)

I don't know if I have helped in any way. if you have some specific questions you'd like for me to try and anwer, I would love to share any of our experience. There are many things I would be happy to tell you about and help you with. Feel free to PM me or just respond here. Good luck with everything!

kelly

 

We also have an au pair. I'll happily share with you. FWIW, we use Cultural Care Au Pair and have had good experiences with the organization. I've also heard good things about Au Pair in America and EurAuPair.

ETA: With regards to your question about selecting someone who is a good fit, I have to say it's tough, but we've been lucky. I think most of the au pairs with a good agency have been thoroughly screened and they are generally nice girls. That said, we're on our fourth (plus one very short term one in the beginning, not really with us as an au pair), and we've liked some better than others. The process is a little crazy because they show you one at a time, and you either accept or reject before seeing the next application. Look for red flags. Figure out what those red flags are for you. Look for health issues, look at what their references say about them (and don't say about them) and call them on the phone and speak with them. If you don't get a good feeling from the phone conversation (recognizing that the candidate will be nervous), move on.

Here's the text of our most recent letter (with some minor details removed).

March 2008

To our prospective au pair!

We look forward to meeting a new au pair to come live with our family. We
are going to really work to find a great au pair this time around because
you most likely will be our last!

We are: =names= and their twin girls, Jade and Melissa, who are
currently 3.5 years old. They are sweet little girls (what kind of mother
would I be if I said otherwise?) and very different from each other in both
appearance and personality. We also have a dog, Laszlo, a Viszla – a medium
large pointer from Hungary. He is the sweetest and most loving dog ever –
not an aggressive bone in his body. But he loves attention. It would be
nice to find an au pair that loves dogs as well as children – and who
wouldn’t mind lavishing some attention (and walks?) on him.

We live in beautiful Westchester County, New York, north of New York City.
The area offers the convenience of New York, but where we live has an
almost country-like feel – a great area for someone who likes the outdoors.
The train commute into the city is a scenic ride of about 50 minutes along
the Hudson River. The towns of Peekskill and Croton-on-Hudson nearby offer
entertainment and fine restaurants, while Cortlandt Manor is primarily
residential. It is a nice place to live. Most people who live here commute
to the city every day. Au pairs in the area tend to hang out at the mall,
the movie theatres, and the Starbucks.

=DH name= is a native of New York City and Marie is a native of the
Philadelphia area. We enjoy introducing our au pairs to these wonderful
cities, and sharing our culture with you, as well as learning about your
culture.

=Names= both work full-time days Monday through Friday. Bruce works
in downtown New York City at an advertising agency. Marie works at a
==, about 30 minutes south of the house. Our au
pair would have evenings and weekends free, with some exceptions, so we
might be able get out and enjoy a “date†– never more than once a week. We
need someone who can drive well, so we can trust them to take the girls to
preschool and other local activities during the week. We also would really
like someone who feels comfortable and even creative in cooking for the
girls as the au pair is with them every day for lunch.

=Ournames= love to read and enjoy music. We enjoy travel but we also
enjoy our quiet time at home as a family. =He= is also a huge sports fan.
Marie loves to cook and hopes to learn some new recipes from home from an
au pair!

We are looking for someone who is up to the challenge of caring for twin
preschoolers, which we hope will be a very rewarding experience. We are a
nice family, with a nice house, and a nice life, and would like to share
this with the right au pair.

Sincerely,

=Us=

 

I forgot to mention we are with Au Pair Care. With this agency, we were allowed to look at all of the au pairs that fit our criteria at one time, unlike Marie's agency. We were allowed to interview 3 at a time and as we dropped one off the list, we could add another from their pool of candidates. It would seem so diffcult to me not to be able to choose between a few candidates at once! I guess every agency is different. BTW, I love your letter Marie. I still can't locate ours. (I just got a new computer and the original was on the other one which has died!) Again, good luck!

Kelly

 

QUOTE(KellyJ @ Aug 11 2008, 11:01 PM) [snapback]925531[/snapback]
I forgot to mention we are with Au Pair Care. With this agency, we were allowed to look at all of the au pairs that fit our criteria at one time, unlike Marie's agency.


That is definitely a GOOD THING!

The reason we're with Cultural Care in the first place is because we had a former positive relationship with the parent company, EF. My mom gives educational tours to student groups through this company. So I went with them because I like the company. Mostly they are all very similar, but that ability to see a couple candidates at the same time is nice.

 

One more thing, before even calling Juli, our current au pair, we exchanged several emails which was helpful in getting to know some things about each other before calling. This was the first time I'd done that, and I recommend it. It was then that I told her some more specific details about the family and our various situations so I could make sure I was telling her everything she needed to know to make the decision to come live with us as well.

 

We have a live in helper who also cleans, irons and cooks besides childminding and baby sitting, so slightly different. I think the most important is to be honest about yourself and your family and very clearly tell what life in your family is like. Don't make it look nicer than it really is. And also be very specific upfront what you're expecting from her in terms of time management, payment, days off, duties, discipline, etc. in order to avoid any problems later on. However, to some extent it's unavoidable but at least try to be as open as possible. Also with regards to cultural differences, make sure to tell her never to hide things from you with regards to problems, broken items, your kids falling down, etc. Tell her she can always let you know. Certain things can happen, it happens to us too, so why not them.

HTH!

Kelly: we had a Brazilian nanny (assume your au pair is Brazilian) in Chicago and she was great. I think in general ... Brazilians are so good with kids! We miss her, still!

 

Just one word of caution - also look at nationality when choosing an au pair. Not because of any bias but because some have a hard time getting visas. When large numbers of au pairs from any given country don't return home - ie they use the au pair visa just to get into the US, and sometimes skip out on the family in the process - all the au pairs following them could have a harder time getting a visa. You could chose an au pair and her/his visa could still be denied. The agency should be up front and honest about visa approval/denial rates for au pairs from different countries.

 

I am on my 4th au pair from Cultural Care. 2 stayed with me one year - and the 3rd stayed for 2. (Her and I are now best of friends - she married and lives in the U.S.)

I have 3 kids - twins age 4-1/2 and an 11 year old. No health or behavior issues.

Two of my au pairs have been awesome. The third was great with my kids (very structured) but difficult to live with. My current au pair (only here 6 weeks) is very much a challenge. She is like a teenager - doesn't follow my rules, isn't respectful of my house or grocery purchases, needs reminding multiple times, is pretty much clueless about household chores. I contemplate trading her in, but am trying to work with her as I think my kids like her and it would be difficult to train another. I have the departing au pair train the new one. I am counting the months until I no longer have an au pair. Isn't that sad?

My advice - be very very selective in who you pick. Know what is important to you - driving experience, child care experience, english language proficiency, etc. Be unwilling to compromise in what is important. I compromised on the childcare experience (the applicants I got didn't have much childcare experience and I got frustrated with the # of rejects and caved in) and am regretting it. In my opinion, agencies recruit people who do not have enough direct childcare experience.

My intro letter was very much like the one posted here. I talked more about my kids - their personalities, interests, hobbies - but the format was very similar.

 

QUOTE(Mellizos @ Aug 12 2008, 08:51 AM) [snapback]925832[/snapback]
Just one word of caution - also look at nationality when choosing an au pair. Not because of any bias but because some have a hard time getting visas. When large numbers of au pairs from any given country don't return home - ie they use the au pair visa just to get into the US, and sometimes skip out on the family in the process - all the au pairs following them could have a harder time getting a visa. You could chose an au pair and her/his visa could still be denied. The agency should be up front and honest about visa approval/denial rates for au pairs from different countries.


Actually, we selected a Peruvian au pair once and our LCC (local care coordinator?) did warn us that Peru had a high rejection rate. And sure enough she didn't get approved to come. Interestingly we ended up with a second year au pair from Peru who spent her first year in San Francisco, and :laughing: she ended up staying in the country -- she got married to a nice local guy in her final months with us. Her parents also got denied a visit -- Peru is TOUGH.

 

thanks everyone! marie - your letter is great and very helpful - i would love to see anyone else's who is willing to share.

we are using cultural care because 1) a lot of people in our town use them 2) a friend of mine (another twin mom) is a local coordinator. i also don't love the idea of looking at one at a time, but it is what it is.

i would also be interested in hearing what were some of the "red flags" you've had with au pairs you've rejected. i've gotten advice such as:
- look for an au pair from a stable home life
- look for an au pair with younger siblings
- look for an au pair who has lived away from home before

any other key qualities/ experience that you looked for in the candidates? i guess my biggest concerns are getting a girl who is mature and responsible, fun and engaged with the kids, and i really don't want someone who is going to go out and party all the time (going out is fine, but i don't want her going out EVERY night or coming home drunk all the time or having boyfriend issues that i have to deal with). i think i can assess the first few qualities through the interview, but how do i screen for this last issue?

thanks all!

 

Hmmm...red flags for me have been:

- driving ability
- inability to understand/communicate on the phone, language scores
- health
- previous experience
- references - I want someone to say the person is #1 responsible, friendly, takes initiative, creative...and pay attention to what the respondents don't pick
- lack of interest in things
- too young. don't get one younger than 20 unless you feel very strongly that she's great

I also admit to not caring if the au pair goes out every night, preferably to the gym or the mall or Starbucks which is where they tend to go. An absent au pair is a good one in the evenings. BUT...I have house rules which require the au pair to be home by midnight, or at least eight hours before the start of their next shift. I've never had alcohol or boyfriend problems, but I do ask them to keep boyfriends away from the house, so maybe I just don't know...

You want a happy au pair with an active social life. It's good there are a lot of other au pairs in the area. These are their friends.

I'll send you my "household handbook" later. I don't use the one they provide, I have my own.

 

<<<i would also be interested in hearing what were some of the "red flags" you've had with au pairs you've rejected. i've gotten advice such as:
- look for an au pair from a stable home life
- look for an au pair with younger siblings
- look for an au pair who has lived away from home before>>>

Our au pair is from Brazil and all of the Brazillian girls I've met have been wonderful au pairs. I must have met about 50 in the 2 years Heloisa has been with us! They have a very active social life and I do not discourae that in the least. When she first arrived and did not have any friends, she was miserable. I do not have specific rules about what time she gets home at night. I did put something in the rules I handed her upon arrival about being home 7-8 hours before her work was to begin, But I dropped that pretty fast. Eventually, I told her I did not care what time she arrived home but she had to be up and ready to work, happy and functioning at 7am. (Being in her 20's, she can handle it.) I reminded her that working 7-10 hours a day is diffcult with no sleep and the children would suffer. While she does not go out every night, she goes out 4 or 5 nights a week and often isn't in her room for sleep until 2am or later. I don't have an issue with it because she has NEVER let it affect her work. I am home with her, so I would know. Knowing that she worked 10-14 hour days in Brazil with even less sleep due to having to walk to work 2 miles a day and 2 miles home at night after those long days, I knew it was the right thing for her. She was also 24 when she got here and she is an adult, so I treat her as such. If she were 19, she would have a curfew for sure! I would definitely get an older girl if possible. The younger girls really have a harder time socializing and being away from home in my experience. My next au pair will also start out with more rules but can earn her "freedom" so to speak if she is a responsible person.

In Brazil, it is very diffcult to find a girl that has lived away from home. In their culture the children do not move away from their parents until they get married- men too.Ever member of the family must contribute to the family earnings and well-being. Many cultures are this way, so living away from home may be hard to find in a girl 18-26 unless she is or has been married. I know nothing abot European cultures like Germany,France, Switzerland and the like. You may have better luck with an independent girl there? Be very clear to the girls how much work they will be doing. If they are from (just as an example) France, have never worked a real job, have a wealthy family, etc, she may be only doing the au pair thing for the travel and fun without considering how much work can be involoved. I've seen that happen a few times.

Having younger siblings is good. So is being a teacher or working in a school/daycare situation. I was so afraid of getting someone with the minimum of 200 hours of childcare experience. 200 hours is only a few weeks if it's a full time job. Our au pair was a nanny for a family while she was going to college and then a teacher. We really lucked out. Our other candidate we liked a lot was a teacher as well. We may not be so lucky next time around. DO pay attention to the references. Unfortunately, none of Helo's spoke any English, so they were difficult to speak to. They did have emails translated and sent, although that could be fake.

Consider any situation you can think of having and make a rule for it and stick to it unless you have a really good reason to let it slide. We let the grocery thing slide too far and we spend way too much on her. We had written that she had to buy her own specialt food if she did not like what we regularly had around the house. Of course I didn't care if I bought her a few things to help her feel at home or veggies she likes that we don't usually buy. But then it got to where she would make a huge list of things for me to buy, and then there were special diets like weight watchers or atkins. It got out of control! She has never once gone to the store for me or for herself.

Make sure she really can drive, not just have a driver's license. Helo has a license, but had rarely driven. We also let the phone bill slide and it got out of control. We had to limit the cell phone as well. She had no idea how much it was costing us because she had never had a cell in Brazil. She had never seen a microwave or a washing machine/dryer! There was a lot for both of us to learn.

If I think of any more, I'll come back. I've got to go!

Kelly

 

hmmmm - ok i got two candidates today, both seem pretty good actually, but both are JUST out of high school (graduated in june). from what you all are saying, i think i need to request someone a little older.

and it makes sense, kelly and marie, what you are saying about the social life. i think we will need rules re: curfews and the like, esp at first, but i can see how they would be happier seeing their friends more often than not.

ugh - this process is so stressful!

 

QUOTE(ruthjulia @ Aug 12 2008, 03:45 PM) [snapback]926688[/snapback]
i think i need to request someone a little older.


Our very first au pair fwiw was 19 and the girls were only 7 months old when she arrived, and she did GREAT. So ... but I've since had two 22 year olds (with an 18 year old in between) and it seems those couple years makes a big difference. Also when they are over 21 they can go out to clubs, etc. which even if they don't drink, is a good thing.

I also agree about not focusing on whether they've lived away from home before. None of ours have. But they were all up to it. I think that'll be a tough criterion to meet.

And like Kelly, I agree that 98%of the au pairs I've met have been great women (and a couple men)!

So...how'd you get two at once? Where are they from? This should be a pretty good time of year. I think they should have a lot of candidates.

QUOTE
ugh - this process is so stressful!


:hug99: Yes it is, and it will be until you settle in with your au pair. The first couple weeks are as hard (or harder!) on them than on you. But everything will be okay if they make friends and you communicate well with them and they know the expectations. Really.

 

QUOTE(marieber @ Aug 12 2008, 03:56 PM) [snapback]926717[/snapback]
So...how'd you get two at once? Where are they from? This should be a pretty good time of year. I think they should have a lot of candidates.


I think the placement coordinator took pity on me - I am totally under the gun to find someone asap as our sitter leaves at the end of August and we will be patching together childcare for sept until we get an au pair. one was from mexico - she seemed like a very sweet girl - but seemed VERY VERY young, even from her application and photos and seemed pretty sheltered. the other was from the czech republic. we ended up passing on both of them and asked for someone at least 19, ideally 20 - 22, and who has at least a year of experience after high school. i just think of myself at that age - i spent a semester abroad my junior yr when i was 20 and it was fantastic - but if i had done it at 18 or even 19 i think it could have been a disaster!

i'll let you know who i get next - and thanks for all the support!

 

I think you are doing the right thing. I think the pool is probably pretty good right now -- actually if it wasn't I'm sure they would have told you so. It was not so good when we got Juli, but we're lucky because she is wonderful.

 

With regards to European culture somebody mentioned, many start living by themselves in student housing once they graduate. I did at age 18. But it's also a matter of money, some people can't simply afford to live by themselves while studying (in the end the parents are paying most of the time). I would be careful with au pairs from "good" families who didn't live by themselves if that makes sense. Just because they haven't doesn't mean they didn't want it, but those who financially could but didn't ... those would be the ones to watch for.

It's also more common for girls from Southern Europe (like France, Italy, Spain, Portugal) to live at home longer than their northern peers (like Germans, Dutch, Belgians, Scandinavians, etc.). Not sure about former Eastern Europe. Money would definitely be tighter there. Also the northern Europeans usually speak better English, especially the Dutch (), Belgians and Scandinavians (who speaks our language) while in southern Europe that's definitely more of an issue especially the larger countries (less need to speak English).

Again, it's very stereotype and general but hope it helps anyway AND can't agree more on the Brazilians! Our nanny was fantastic with kids.

 

update - we got another match who we are REALLY excited about. she is from austria and she is 24. she has lived on her own but is now living with her family again. she has a ton of babysitting experience and has a sister who is 9 yrs younger. she has been working as a secretary, but wants to get a job in a nursery school (i worried a little about her being aimless, but she seems very directed from her application). her references were glowing - they all commented on how responsible, flexible and helpful she is, and that she is very fun with the kids who all adore her. oh, and she loves pets and cooks - couldn't be better! yay! hopefully we'll speak to her tomorrow.

 

We have had very good experiences with Aupairs!
I think others have made some great suggestions. We have also stuck to the older aupair (greater than 21) and that have had time away from home. Our first aupair was from Germany and spent a year in the Alaska when she was in highschool. (was actually a great thing because we were in MN and have some pretty rough winters) She had the patience of a saint and was fab! with the boys as infants. She stayed 2 years, and is actually coming back for a visit in a couple months. Our second was from japan...older also and also was here for a year in highschool. She was not a confident driver and a bit more to herself but she was great with boys! I think the key is to find a responsible indenpendant person and communicate with her...your expectations, your requirements etc.

Good luck! I hope you find someone great!

 

QUOTE(ruthjulia @ Aug 13 2008, 08:54 PM) [snapback]929123[/snapback]
update - we got another match who we are REALLY excited about. she is from austria and she is 24. she has lived on her own but is now living with her family again. she has a ton of babysitting experience and has a sister who is 9 yrs younger. she has been working as a secretary, but wants to get a job in a nursery school (i worried a little about her being aimless, but she seems very directed from her application). her references were glowing - they all commented on how responsible, flexible and helpful she is, and that she is very fun with the kids who all adore her. oh, and she loves pets and cooks - couldn't be better! yay! hopefully we'll speak to her tomorrow.


Sounds EXCELLENT!! Keep us posted!