attention

Hi everyone...


Well here is my latest nervousness. It may sound a little crazy, but I can't seem to come to terms with it. With my first child, I was always holding him. He was a little colic and he always got all of my attention, love and warmth. I find with the twins that, since there are two, I don't really hold them unless I am feeding them. I give them both attention as they lie on the floor, sit in bouncy seats, etc. I didn't really concern myself with it unitl, yesterday I noticed my son would cry everytime I put him down. I don't want to get him use to being only in my arms, but I feel bad always trying to detract his attention to a toy or something else...etc. If I am always caring him, than I feel badly for daughter...By the way they are 4 months...Twins...what to do!!! Does anyone else ever feel this way?

 

All the damn time!! Mine are 2 months and I'm a single mother. I always feel like one is getting more attention than the other.... but they take turns so I guess it all evens out in the end.

 

I've been feeling something like that lately. I tend to want to hold my babies a lot, but between holding them both throughout the day and feeding, clothing, calming, bathing, etc, it seems I have time for little else. I have their naps if they nap at the same time (that's another story). I've tried holding them at the same time and that really ticks them off. It makes me a little sad that I can't give all of myself to my little babies because they are both babies at the same time. I keep telling myself that there are lots of twins and twin moms out there that must be feeling or have felt the same thing. Also, my babies won't know any different and will (hopefully) learn patience and sharing early on in life.

 

I feel like this too...all the time actually. I kind of feel like babies get the short end of the stick when born with a twin. I wish I could give them both the attention that they deserve. I guess I am doing the best I can, but it's still very sad to me that I can't hold them both all the time. I do carry one in a sling when I can...but that still leaves the other one in the bouncy or swing.

Your're not alone.

 

Oh yes I feel this way big time. At first I did not want the babes getting used to being held, now it is just finding time to hold a baby....seems like there is none! When they are actually sleeping or just being content, thats when I need to get other things done. You are so not alone on this one, I feel like I never spend quality time with the babies. I found that when I bathe them I have moe of their attention, so I take advantage of it. And during night feedings, I let them hang out at the breast a little longer than usual. Then I just hold one for as long as I can and whisper to him.

 

It crossed my mind, but what are you suppose to do, carry them each 5 hours a day and make sure its even and rotate every 30 minutes... You have to be realistic and know that you are doing what you need to do. :hug99:

 

I still feel this way! Some days one baby will be much more high-maintenance than the other, and I always feel bad for the one I'm giving less attention to. But when there's two of them and one of you, all you can do is your best.

One thing that helps me feel better is that the babies have sort of taken turns being the difficult one. In the early months, DS was the difficult baby - very intense and high-maintenance, needed lots of holding, lots more soothing to sleep, etc. Now, he's actually pretty easygoing, happy to just crawl around and do his own thing, and DD is more difficult in some ways - needs more attention, and is more sensitive to fatigue. So even though the squeaky wheel gets the grease, the same baby won't necessarily always be the squeaky wheel.

Have you thought of using a sling or Bjorn for the one who wants more holding? That might free you up to play more with the other...

Good luck! It's HARD! But it gets better.

 

I felt this way too and was talking to a friend, but she reminded me that my boys are twins and that they have a relationship with each other that not everybody in this world gets to have. So in one sense being a twin they get the "short end of the stick" so to speak with the mommy attention, but on the other hand they have that relationship with one another.

 

Yep, right there with you! It's hard...really hard. I have my DS who is pretty laid back and an easy baby where my DD is very high maintenance. She needs to be held CONSTANTLY. I have to sometimes let her cry so I can tend to DS or my toddler. This is the hardest part for me, being an infant mom of twins. You want to be there for their every need but sometimes you can't and that breaks my heart. I know we all have to deal with this but I can't help but feeling like a bad mom at times.

 

Yep, at first I tried to be fair and give them both the same amount of attention. Then I realized one neded more attention when going to sleep. He needs to be held and they other can (prefers) to be layed down next to us and just have his little bottom patted. They "need" different things at different times and I just try to keep up with their needs. I guess it's easier for me to remember that they have different needs at different times and that's how I manage. They do need less as they grow up a bit more. Less carrying, more crawling around and exploring, less sitting on my lap and being talked to and more sitting on the floor and letting them knock down towers of blocks. It all evens out and it does get a little less demanding.
Try not to let guilt get to you. You are doing the best you can. It's hard with two tiny ones.
Mj

 

Aaah, the guilt of motherhood..isn't it lovely?
If you have just one kid..you feel guilty they'll be all alone in the world...
If you have twins...you feel guilty they won't get enough of your time on a one to one basis...
If you take time for yourself and leave the kids to DH...you feel guilty he's not getting enough "me" time...or the kids will feel abandoned and cry for you..
If you have twins and an older child...you feel guilty the babies take away from the 1st child's portion of your attention...

As a mother, it's a lose lose situation. Guilt is like the currency of motherhood..and we're all rolling in the dough! ha! If those babies of yours have a mother who spends the WHOLE day trying to appease them, feed them, change them, clean them..and she still feels GUILTY when she collapses in the bed at night (if she's lucky)...those are lucky babies.

 

"Guilt is like the currency of motherhood..and we're all rolling in the dough! ha!"= brilliant, may i borrow it? I'll attribute,of course!

yes, we've all felt it. It's impossible to care for TWO infants the way you would for one. There are times when only one is awake (which is itself a nightmare, becuase it means they're not napping together!) and i get to play with one, hold her, just be w/her and i think 'ah, this is what it would be like to have a singleton!" I wouldn't trade it for ANYthng, in fact, i feel sorry for people who only have one but - well, sometimes one does get the short end of the stick, no way around it.

i try to rationalize by saying that i am alternating attention but - um, well, i don't think THEY realize that yet. We all do the best we can with two hands and one big loving heart. and yes, i love the notion that they have each other, which other babies don't.

I used to feel badly that iw asn't interacting with them all the time, and then my sister pointed out that they NEED time to learn to play and be independently. which really helped with the guilt. Until I picked up one crying in the playyard and the other one looked at me with big brown eyes full of tears and held up her arms.....

 

QUOTE(Jordari @ Dec 26 2007, 03:54 AM) [snapback]546286[/snapback]
"Guilt is like the currency of motherhood..and we're all rolling in the dough! ha!"= brilliant, may i borrow it? I'll attribute,of course!


:blush: Aaah, don't make me blush!! Of course you can quote me!! hehe...

 

QUOTE(heartofdixiemama @ Dec 26 2007, 12:42 AM) [snapback]546267[/snapback]
Aaah, the guilt of motherhood..isn't it lovely?
If you have just one kid..you feel guilty they'll be all alone in the world...
If you have twins...you feel guilty they won't get enough of your time on a one to one basis...
If you take time for yourself and leave the kids to DH...you feel guilty he's not getting enough "me" time...or the kids will feel abandoned and cry for you..
If you have twins and an older child...you feel guilty the babies take away from the 1st child's portion of your attention...

As a mother, it's a lose lose situation. Guilt is like the currency of motherhood..and we're all rolling in the dough! ha! If those babies of yours have a mother who spends the WHOLE day trying to appease them, feed them, change them, clean them..and she still feels GUILTY when she collapses in the bed at night (if she's lucky)...those are lucky babies.


Okay, that last sentence made me cry. I guess my hormones are still loopy!

 

QUOTE(Luluthewondercat @ Dec 26 2007, 11:06 PM) [snapback]547132[/snapback]
Okay, that last sentence made me cry. I guess my hormones are still loopy!


Oops--was referring to the post about the big brown eyes full of tears and reaching up!!