Attention Seeking

I have no idea what to do with Ezra. He just wants my attention all the time. I'm starting to have a real problem with even putting him to sleep because he is upset the minute I put him down. He doesn't want to sit in his highchair either, just wants to be held by me. Whenever I'm playing with Elias, he jumps in the middle of us. If I go down to pick up Elias, he'll push him away.

Actually, it is less what I should do with him because, frankly, I don't know what else I could do - I pay as much attention to him as I can while still paying attention to Elias and needing to do things like go to work and such. I think it is more the "why". Why does he need me so much. Is he insecure? He has always had tons of attention, is he making up for some lack somehow? Or is it just who he is and, if so, what does that mean for him in the future.

He also relives and replays old injuries and falls and such for attention. He'll even bang himself on purpose so he can saw "ow" and get attention, most of the time when I'm taking care of Elias for some boo-boo he has. I was a hypochondriac when I was a kid but that was truly the only attention I got. Could it possibly be that Ezra feels as neglected as I did. I can't see how that could be possible because he always has one adult that is completely focused on him and Elias. It really upsets me to think that he may feel that way.

And it has been going on for about 6 months now. It wasn't always like this. In fact, Ezra used to play independently more than Elias but somehow it just switched. I guess maybe it will change again. I just want to make sure that I'm not missing something subtle that I should be addressing instead of just dealing with the symptoms.

Any wisdom out there on this.

Thanks

 

Ohh, that's a tough one. My first thought was have you tried to ignore his attention seeking behavior? I know you question yourself and don't want him to feel as though you are ignoring him, but if you know you are truely giving him the attention he requires, then I would try to ignore the behavior. Also, when he jumps inbetween you and Elias, have you removed him and told him "No, it is Elias' turn to play with Mommy," then just ignored the behavior that he displays afterwards. I know it must be terribly hard for you, but he is obviously doing it to make get your attention, so perhaps if you begin to ignore it and praise him when he shows only the behavior that you want him to display, maybe he will begin not to do the negative attention seeking behavior. I hope you get lots of other advice!! Hugs to you because I know it must be very hard for you... :hug:

 

My super independent little girl did a drastic switch on me too. She is more needy and clingy than she has ever been. I'm treating it as a phase and trying to give each of them some one-on-one time here and there hoping it will help.

Someone once told me that they are acting out negatively because they are getting attention that way, as in your case. So she said to give positive attention and praise for being positive as much as possible to try and turn it around. If it were me, I would ignore the reenacting of old injuries and falls and as soon as he does something positive, focus on that.

 

QUOTE(Utopia122 @ May 26 2009, 03:01 AM) [snapback]1327777[/snapback]
Ohh, that's a tough one. My first thought was have you tried to ignore his attention seeking behavior? I know you question yourself and don't want him to feel as though you are ignoring him, but if you know you are truely giving him the attention he requires, then I would try to ignore the behavior. Also, when he jumps inbetween you and Elias, have you removed him and told him "No, it is Elias' turn to play with Mommy," then just ignored the behavior that he displays afterwards. I know it must be terribly hard for you, but he is obviously doing it to make get your attention, so perhaps if you begin to ignore it and praise him when he shows only the behavior that you want him to display, maybe he will begin not to do the negative attention seeking behavior. I hope you get lots of other advice!! Hugs to you because I know it must be very hard for you... :hug:

This was my thought too. If nothing changed in your lives when this started then I doubt it is that he has an insecure personality, I'd think it's more likely that he's in a clingy phase. I'd continue to give him attention throughout the day but try and give as little as possible for real attetion seeking behavior. So with reliving old injurys I'd say something like "Yes, you fell down before didn't you. But you're all better now." and leave it at that, don't give extra hugs/kisses or whatever. When he hurts himself on purpose because you're comforting Elias I'd say "If you _____(insert whatever he did) then it will hurt you. Don't do that." and continue what you were doing. I know it sounds tough but it sounds to me like a more effective tantrum-you're not giving him attention at that moment so he's manipulating you so you will.
:hug:

 

It's good to hear you say that because that is exactly what I do. "yes, you hurt your knee before, didn't you but it is getting so much better now." He doesn't get extra kisses. I think he has his hooks into me though because I'm so sensitive to them feeling neglected because of my childhood and I worry that he's a kid that just needs more to feel ok.

Can a phase really last this long? It really has been around 6 months. The only thing that changed then was that he started walking around then.

I definitely could focus on praising his more positive behaviour. He is very helpful and I praise him for that and I do believe that is why he is so helpful, because he wants that praise so badly - poor little bub. I'll definitely try to do it more when he is playing independently or letting me hang with Elias....umm....if that ever happens.

 

When you said, he used to play independently, thats what made me think its a phase. My DS did the same thing. He was ALWAYS the more independent one, and never needed a lot of attention and liked to explore and do his own thing. DD was ALWAYS the clingy one who needed to be held and cuddled and praised and all that. I dont remember exactly when, or how long it lasted, but he definitely went through a clingy stage. He would want to be held and want to sit on my lap, and if his sister came near he would push her away, etc. So, I would like to think that its the same for you. If you are giving him a lot of attention as it is, I dont see how he could NEED more. .but Im no expert. I will say that my son has gone back to being more independent, but still has his needy moments.

Good luck.

 

QUOTE(Momto2es @ May 26 2009, 07:50 PM) [snapback]1328541[/snapback]
It's good to hear you say that because that is exactly what I do. "yes, you hurt your knee before, didn't you but it is getting so much better now." He doesn't get extra kisses. I think he has his hooks into me though because I'm so sensitive to them feeling neglected because of my childhood and I worry that he's a kid that just needs more to feel ok.

Can a phase really last this long? It really has been around 6 months. The only thing that changed then was that he started walking around then.

I definitely could focus on praising his more positive behaviour. He is very helpful and I praise him for that and I do believe that is why he is so helpful, because he wants that praise so badly - poor little bub. I'll definitely try to do it more when he is playing independently or letting me hang with Elias....umm....if that ever happens.

Like pp said it was because you said that he used to play independantly that made me think it was a phase (and, yes, I've had phases last for months). This is not an expert opinion or anything, just based on my experiences in childcare, but I've found that children who are insecure* have been that way since they were babies. I'd say that this phase is likely part seperation anxiety (or maybe it started as that), part wanting attention (which all toddlers do-in fact all people do, toddlers are just more ego driven about it!).
It sounds like they really do get a lot of attention so I don't think you should worry about neglecting him. It's great that you're going to focus more on praising the positive behavior too. Maybe (if you can fit it in between the clinging and positive praising) try giving him some extra hugs and kisses just for nothing, not praise as such just attention.


*I don't actually think that insecure is the right word here because, to me, it implies an unstable background-as if the child has just not been given the chance to form a secure attatchment, like you mentioned it has connitations of neglect. I really mean children who are more timid and wary of new people/situations.

 

Please don't beat yourself up! There's no way this is your fault. You love your kids and give them lots of attention and they know it. They couldn't possibly feel abandoned!

Like pps said, I bet it's a phase. Mine go through periods where one is super clingy. (Hopefully only one at a time! ) I have no brilliant advice whatsoever, we just muddle through one way or another - just wanted to say that it sounds perfectly normal. :hug: