At the hospital

So my husband and asre having a disagreement and I wanted to get some opinions.

The ideal for me when I go into labor is to call may father and my sister and his parents when we know that they are admitting me and tell them that I am in labor. I DO NOT want everyone there in the waiting room ready to rush in just after the babies are born. I would like some breathing time to let things sink in, meet my boys, try to nurse, and just do a little bonding....not for long but a couple of hours.

The ideal for him is to let everyone that wants to come to the hospital be there waiting and ready to come in as soon as the nurses will let them. He does not see why I will need a little time to myself. He said if I wanted to he would agree to just go to the waiting room tell them the babies are here and everything is fine and then they can wait and come in when I say that it is time. His family is just so large and over bearing that I know I will feel rushed and not have the time that I need.

Any suggestions on how to make us both feel comfortable. What has and hasn't worked for your pregnancies?

Thanks.

 

We LIED to my inlaws in order to keep them away from the hospital. I find birth is a very personal thing and I don't want to share it with anyone but my husband. I loved having time to myself to meet my son and just be alone with him and my husband as a family. Believe me, you don't get many moments like that and your family will know your babies for the rest of their lives. If your husband will not give up on who needs to be there, use the L&D nurses to keep unwanted family away from you. You deserve time with your babies.

 

sorry, dad, but this is one time that mom gets what she wants. Period. Childbirth is an overwhelming experience both emotionally and physically and YOU come first. He should explain exactly what you've stated here and allow them to visit when YOU are ready. The only people we wanted/allowed right away was the grandparents. Everyones different, but IMO your say goes on this subject.

Eve

 

I agree with PP. What you say should go. When we had my DD my mom and his mom were in the delivery room. This time we only had us there. My mom was at my house with my DD. I text messaged everybody and let them know when I had them. I liked having a little time with just the 4 of us. Also, most hospitals move you a little while after you delivery. I always wait until I am moved to my room I will be staying in to allow visitors.

 

Totally agree with pp. Stick to your guns. When our son was born, we decided not to even call people until after he was born - for the exact reasons you state. I am very close with my family, but knew that I would feel overwhelmed. You are physically exausted and emotionally overwhelmed a bit - even though it's with joy. Depending on how things go and your birth plan and how far away your family lives, your DH could call before you start pushing, but I'd recommend waiting until after they are born. labor can be a very long process and you don't want your family to be stuck there during the whole thing and your DH will feel obligated to go give updates - leaving you alone. Pull rank here... momma gets her own way on this one.

 

I do think it's a tough one as it's his children too and honestly why should what he wants take a back burner to what you want? That is not really fair and I am a bit surprised by the posts saying what your dh wants should be disregarded. That is not how a marriage works.

Can't you work out a compromise? Why should you care who is in the waiting room? Tell his family that you want some time after the delivery to get settled before you have visitors. That is totally acceptable and should be respected by them. Let them know you will want 2 hours after the birth before you have visitors in and that is their choice as to if they want to wait at home or in the waiting room.

To be honest, you will be plenty busy and occupied and you will not even remember they are in the waiting room. That way neither of you feel like you are getting slighted on this special day. Good luck.

 

I base my comments on my own personal experience. People don't always wait patiently in church-mouse fashion when there's a new baby (or TWO!!) to be seen. When DS was born, my parents - who are usually THE most unobtrusive people - were literally standing outside our door waiting to see him and us. I was exhausted, emotional, still kinda messy, and definitely overwhelmed after he was born. They did come in and see all of us for a minute and left mercifully quickly, but not everyone does. I also based my opinion on Sheila's comment that DH's family is large and overbearing...my inlaws to a tee. I love them all dearly, but it's a big, loud family and would definitely be too much right away. I get what Sheila says about feeling rushed just knowing they were there waiting. I would feel bad thinking I was keeping them away when they're right down the hall and may feel guilty enough to cave and let them in, hence I'd rather they just wait a bit before showing up. Sheila also mentioned letting in those closest to BOTH of them right away, so DH isn't getting jilted.

I am not an overbearing wife and am not one to ever "put my foot down." I consider DH and myself a team and absolute equals. But I do stand by my opinion that childbirth is ultimately our gig and if the mom is uncomfortable with any part of the process, she should have the final say. The LAST thing you need after such a challenging pregnancy and (perhaps) childbirth is to have MORE pressure immediately postpartum. And especially with this being your first birth, DH may not even realize how *big* it will be for BOTH of you. DH was extremely emotional and we truly enjoyed (and needed) our time alone. It was every bit as special as the first minutes together on our wedding day. As for this pregnancy, I expect it to be every bit as huge in it's effect on us as our first. Post miscarriage, TWO babies, a wild ride of a pregnancy (!), our LAST pregnancy...yeah, we're not going to want visitors for a bit, either.

I would, at the very minimum, have the L&D nurses play middlemen like someone else mentioned. Your nurses are great assets! They will gladly help you keep the masses at bay and you don't have to be the bad guy. In fact, mine asked me if I was ready for visitors before they let my parents in.

Yes, be kind and reasonable w/ your DH, but YOU really need to be comfortable with your plan for that day. Bottom line.

Eve

 

QUOTE(twoplustwo @ Apr 21 2009, 01:29 AM) [snapback]1281712[/snapback]
I do think it's a tough one as it's his children too and honestly why should what he wants take a back burner to what you want? That is not really fair and I am a bit surprised by the posts saying what your dh wants should be disregarded. That is not how a marriage works.

Can't you work out a compromise? Why should you care who is in the waiting room? Tell his family that you want some time after the delivery to get settled before you have visitors. That is totally acceptable and should be respected by them. Let them know you will want 2 hours after the birth before you have visitors in and that is their choice as to if they want to wait at home or in the waiting room.

To be honest, you will be plenty busy and occupied and you will not even remember they are in the waiting room. That way neither of you feel like you are getting slighted on this special day. Good luck.


This is a tricky one but I tend to agree with this sentiment. Even though as the mom I will be the one doing all the work, I would not insist to my husband that his family cant be at the hospital for the birth. These babies will be the first grandchildren for both sets of grandparents and I would feel really awkward excluding everyone from being there because I know how much it will mean to them all. While I agree that birth is a personal experience, I also think that a few shared moments with the grandparents (or special relatives that either of you might want to be present) wont necessarily ruin it all either. That doesnt mean that you have to have the entire extended family there, but honestly, I think that people just like to feel close and they will more likely than not respect your wishes to wait until you are ready and comfortable before they come bursting in the room. I'm also having a c-section so its not like everyone can race in the room anyway.

I have also spent some time thinking about this issue as it relates to who are the people that are going to be willing, able and eager to help with the new babies. Personally in my case, it will be those exact same family members who are going to be there to assist me in the days and weeks after that birth. My mother in law is traveling from Italy and is going to stay in a hotel down the street from my place for as long as she's needed to help cook, clean and generally be available to wait on me hand and foot. I would not even think to exclude her from sharing a few precious moments of being at the hosptial to meet her new grandchildren. I have also seen how these seemingly little things can really cause some big hurts and long term hard feelings down the line (especially when it comes to in laws). People feel slighted and they hold on to this kind of stuff so I would honestly consider finding a happy medium between your feelings and your husband's because if he's being so insistent, then its probably really important to his family and might lead to some lingering bad feelings. Just a thought.

Best of luck to you though. I'm sure it will all work out fine.

 

With my son while I was pregnant I was thinking I wanted a few people in the room with us, but once it came time all I wanted was my DH and my Mom, the two people I am completely comfortable with. We didn't call anyone till the next day (he arrived at 12:15 in the morning) I was exhausted and hungry so I couldn't see having a ton of visitors till I had gotten some sleep and showered.

With my son, I remember in L&D they fed me after my son was born, let me try to nurse, and just gave us some bonding time and picture time before moving us over to the family care section where we stayed for the next three days. If this is how your hospital does it, I dont think they would let everyone in to see you untill your moved into the room because in my hospital they dont even like anyone walking around with the baby until your out of the delivery room. Thank god for all the security measures in hospitals now they all have to be bussed in and approved by the nurses station, so no one can be sneaking in or waiting outside your door! Also usually the nurses are all about trying to make you feel comfortable and dont really care to much about anything/one else so if you sneak a moment with one of the nurses and tell her how you feel, more than likely she'll lie for you and say no visitors yet.

 

It was like that for my first.. they just were all there waiting to rush in. It was overwhelming.. Especially if you have a c-section. This time the only people I want up there are my mom and dad (my husband's mom and dad won't come up for the delivery anyway... they think it's the mother's parents that should be there...whatever) I'm telling my husband to tell everybody else that they can come the next day, but the first day I want time with my babies and my hubby alone. My parents wont be able to stay up there long because they will have my daughter (who will be 2) and she won't stand it very long at the hospital. I think somepeople will be offended that I'm asking them to come the next day, but so be it.

 

Thank you for all for sharing your experiences with me. I think the next step that I will take is to let my husband read through what you have all said so that he can get a feeling of how emotional/precious this time can be for new parents.

I do not want to exclude anyone....I just want to make sure that I am comfortable with what is going on. I have had a very stressful pregnancy and it has taken its toll on my husband and I; I don't want any tension between us and family at such a important time in so many of our lives. These will most likely be our only children so I want it to go as good as it can.

Thanks again and I will keep you posted! :thanks:

 

I guess I will be of now help. I had a c-section, and the babies were immediately taken to the NICU for 12 hours of observation. So I didn't even get my baby bonding time. My parents and my DH went to the NICU, and were able to take pics to bring to me.

I think you and your DH should come to a decision together. IMO, it's not just your gig just because it's your body. This is the birth of both of your children. I would go with the family in the waiting room, and tell them ahead of time that until either DH or a nurse comes to get them, no one should be rushing into your room! I don't even really understand that ... maybe it was because I was in an operating room? It wasn't like my family was allowed to wait right outside the door!

I imagine they would just stay in the waiting room until someone came to get them ... would a hospital let them just start roaming around looking for you??

 

I can only share the experience with my sister's giving birth to my older niece and let me tell you this is experience from outside the room.
after what I saw I said NOONE IN THE HOSPITAL WHEN I WILL GIVE BIRTH. so with my c-section I kept the day secret almost until the last week and after never told the time I really was afraid my parents and in law would be outside the room and will drive me crazy after having a baby.

this is what happened when my sis gave birth. my mom called me and said that she is in the hospital and I asked if I can come and was told yes.
I came there around 5:30pm and my parents and sis's in-law was there already. my Niece appeared in this world at 7opm so just think I assume they were in the hospital form at least 5 and but 6:30 my mom was like tiger who is crazy about the meat.... she was nervous and made all of us nervous. sister's in law always was trying to go to the room to check what's is going on there and the whole atmospher wasn't happy at all. they actually made themselve crazy.
at 7 when my BIL came to tell about the baby girl they almost run to the room... but later decided to go only 2 at the time. but the problem was in-law went first and was there at elast 15 min. after that we came there too.. but my sister was tired and I am almost sure she was t oget rid of all of us... so I just say her congratulation and went home. after that I said NO ONE in the hospital during my delivery.

 

This will be my fourth birthing experience and all have been very different. Our last birth (our son) was quite hectic, I gave birth just 17 minutes after arriving to the hospital. I wanted some alone time with just him, Daddy, and his two older sisters but people just kept coming, it was CRAZY!!! I don't know if it would have been different if I would have labored at the hospital for a while but the craziness of everything was very overwhelming for me. I can honestly say when I look back I don't have fond memories like I wanted. Don't get me wrong, I love that day just from the mere fact that I brought my son into the world, but the whirlwind afterwards is not what I wanted and I don't think what my husband expected either.
I think what might be best is to tell your families, yes, you can come to the hospital and wait in the waiting room. Someone will come tell you when the babies arrive but understand that there will be a lapse of at least an hour, more like two, after the nurses get done with all they do with the babies before they will be able to see them. If you let them know this ahead of time then they can make the decision to come b4 the babies arrive or wait until after.
I really think you need that bonding time after the babies get here. If not only for bonding but for some down time for you and DH as well. He is going to be SO emotional, he doesn't even realize how emotional yet! And if the families know ahead of time that they will be waiting, don't feel rushed to allow them in. Take the time you need. If it gets to be two hours and you still feel you need more time; tell them, they can come in for a few minutes (not all at once) to see the babies but they really need them to limit their visit time.
This really is a tough thing because everyone is SO excited about the birth of a new family member that they don't stop to think about what you and DH have just gone through, not to mention what the little peanut (or peanuts) have gone through. They just have one thing on their mind.....SEEING THOSE PRECIOUS BABIES. That is what makes it hard to say, sorry but you have to wait. But you have to do what is best for you and the babies.

Don't know if this will help but this is what we are doing this time......

Our older children will be in waiting room with my parents. I will everyone know ahead of time that they CAN come while I am in labor but probably best to wait until they get the call that the babies have arrived or the next day. Because, once babies arrive DH and I are going to take 20 minutes after the nurses are all done with them to just be with the babies, then we are going to let the babies siblings come in with us. At that time, anyone who is in waiting room can come in, take a peek at the little ones but then will be asked to leave for at least 1 1/2-2 hours to give us time as a family to bond. After that they can come in and visit for a bit. Some people might not like it but they are gong to have to respect our decision. This is my last pregnancy and I want to look back on it and say, "Man, that was an AWESOME experience."

Wow, this response ended up WAY longer than I expected!!! LOL
Good luck with whatever you choose.

 

QUOTE(MommaJ @ Apr 21 2009, 04:09 PM) [snapback]1282339[/snapback]
Our older children will be in waiting room with my parents. I will everyone know ahead of time that they CAN come while I am in labor but probably best to wait until they get the call that the babies have arrived or the next day. Because, once babies arrive DH and I are going to take 20 minutes after the nurses are all done with them to just be with the babies, then we are going to let the babies siblings come in with us. At that time, anyone who is in waiting room can come in, take a peek at the little ones but then will be asked to leave for at least 1 1/2-2 hours to give us time as a family to bond. After that they can come in and visit for a bit. Some people might not like it but they are gong to have to respect our decision. This is my last pregnancy and I want to look back on it and say, "Man, that was an AWESOME experience."


I think thats a great approach and sounds to me like the magical middle ground. :clapping:

My situation is funny because in my life the troublemaker is MY mom. She would be the one trying to be overbearing and push her way where she's not wanted. We happened to have been in Houston at the time and she even wanted to come to our first ultrasound, which happened to be on our 1st wedding anniversary -- can you imagine??!! Sadly, she has stopped speaking to me lately so I wont have her there to deal with at the hospital and afterwards. Honestly, she would push everyone else out.

 

I already answered but I need to add something. My husband is not very strong willed with his family and they are not the type to be helpful after the babies are born. They came to see my son so they could have pictures to show their friends and so they could increase their social status to "grandparents". My MIL spent more time rearranging the furniture in my house during their visit, than actually being helpful. It would have been nice had they come to actually help but they aren't that type. So for me, I had to put my foot down with the first pregnancy and this one because his parents would come in and do as they please even if he asked them not to. There are people who listen to reason and who respect boundaries. My in-laws are not those people. For this pregnancy, my husband and I have agreed we don't want them to visit until the twins are 2 weeks old, either because the babies will be in the NICU and my IN-Laws are not the type to not come visit if they are sick (MIL did that last visit) or because I would like 2 weeks to myself to figure out our system before I have to wait hand and foot on my in-laws as they visit.

 

This is such a difficult decision. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings my IL's do try their best I am just scared and want some time for things to sink in....Like my family going from 2 to 4 over night, that can be a little overwhelming.

I know that I will not have to worry about my family (my sister and my father) because they will just come down the following day and stay for a couple of hours because they are not local. His parents I don't think will want to leave. Once my husband and I come to a decision I am sure that his folks will do their best to follow our wishes but telling them will be tough.

My husbands cousin gave birth just last month and the entire time she was in labor the husband was texting the rest of the family what was going on....I DO NOT want that and I DO NOT want my husband running to the waiting room giving updates, he needs to be there for me and the babies!

I guess this is just one of many tough choices we will have to make!

 

QUOTE(sparkle77 @ Apr 21 2009, 12:49 PM) [snapback]1282528[/snapback]
I think thats a great approach and sounds to me like the magical middle ground. :clapping:

My situation is funny because in my life the troublemaker is MY mom. She would be the one trying to be overbearing and push her way where she's not wanted. We happened to have been in Houston at the time and she even wanted to come to our first ultrasound, which happened to be on our 1st wedding anniversary -- can you imagine??!! Sadly, she has stopped speaking to me lately so I wont have her there to deal with at the hospital and afterwards. Honestly, she would push everyone else out.



I am sorry your mother is not speaking to you, hopefully that will change before your children arrive. Although I want the time alone, I also know how much my mother enjoys her grandkids and I would hate for her to miss out completely on this special day. I hope all works out for you in the end with her.

Take care

 

QUOTE(twoplustwo @ Apr 20 2009, 07:29 PM) [snapback]1281712[/snapback]
I do think it's a tough one as it's his children too and honestly why should what he wants take a back burner to what you want? That is not really fair and I am a bit surprised by the posts saying what your dh wants should be disregarded. That is not how a marriage works.


I agree. We do things like this on a 2 veto system. If either of us feels strongly enough to say "no" it just doesn't happen. Obviously we take each other's needs into account when making those decisions, but we both agree that neither of is have a right to force something down the other's throat.

If I were family, I'd appreciate being told that someone will make calls after the birth and let you know when it's OK to come visit.