At my wits end.

Hi I'm new here and to be honest this pic indicates my twin daughters lately. Up until this pass year they've been the best of friends borrowing and sharing thing without a problem now to get them to say one nice thing about the other sibling is like pulling teeth and I'm constantly being dragged into it. If I feel one is in the right and make the other appologize I'm wrong if I try to stay out of it I'm wrong. The arguing is never about anything real serious but it's starting to really get me down. I don't know if its because they're entering their teen years and are having some sort of growing pains trying to establish themselves as individuals which we always have encouraged or if its something else going on.
The last arguement was over one girls' friend was rude to her sister and she didn't stand up for her even though she wasn't even there when the friend was rude Nikki felt jenny still should quit being friends with the other person. Don't get me wrong they're good girls and all but as I said no matter what I do I'm wrong. Lately they've gotten on this kick about who's better at what subject in school and have more friends. Nikki was even rude here on the message boards to her sister. Please help me bring peace back into my daughters' relationship it tears me up to see them acting this way. Is this even typical of twins/multies? Is there a way I can help them realize that yes they're twins but they're indidual ppl and it's ok for them to like or dislike ppl/things that the other doesn't? Sorry to ramble on like this.
Patty

 

Hi I'm new here and to be honest this pic indicates my twin daughters lately. Up until this pass year they've been the best of friends borrowing and sharing thing without a problem now to get them to say one nice thing about the other sibling is like pulling teeth and I'm constantly being dragged into it. If I feel one is in the right and make the other appologize I'm wrong if I try to stay out of it I'm wrong. The arguing is never about anything real serious but it's starting to really get me down. I don't know if its because they're entering their teen years and are having some sort of growing pains trying to establish themselves as individuals which we always have encouraged or if its something else going on.
The last arguement was over one girls' friend was rude to her sister and she didn't stand up for her even though she wasn't even there when the friend was rude Nikki felt jenny still should quit being friends with the other person. Don't get me wrong they're good girls and all but as I said no matter what I do I'm wrong. Lately they've gotten on this kick about who's better at what subject in school and have more friends. Nikki was even rude here on the message boards to her sister. Please help me bring peace back into my daughters' relationship it tears me up to see them acting this way. Is this even typical of twins/multies? Is there a way I can help them realize that yes they're twins but they're indidual ppl and it's ok for them to like or dislike ppl/things that the other doesn't? Sorry to ramble on like this.
Patty

 

Patty--I don't have any first hand experience since I have two seven-year-old boys, but it sounds to me like your girls are going though the typical growing pains of the teen years. I know it must be hard to watch twin sisters fight, but I'd say the best thing to do is to try to ride out the next few years by trying to offer guidance when you can, but realize your opinion is going to be way down the list....Regarding helping them realize they are different people with different likes and dislikes--is it possible to get them involved with different activities so they can have different circles of friends and there is less chance for them to compare who's better at what? I think all of us lived through those years ourselves and just realize that they are tough; made tougher by having two kids in the household having issues at the same time. Hang in there--someday the three of you will be sitting around over coffee and laughing about "those teen years." And then you'll get another laugh when your girls have teenagers of their own someday....

 

Funny, I have twins sisters in one of my classes, and they are currently not talking to each other.

Honestly, I would stay far away from it. You can tell them that you are their mom not their ref and as part of their pending adulthood, they need to figure it out. You can start eleminating things they like to do with you together. "No we will not go shopping this weekend, you embarass me in public the way you are behaving, when you begin acting like human beings to each other we can start having fun again."

Its the age and the hormones...ugh not looking forward to that stage!

 

I ditto what Amanda said. Perfectly stated. My twins are not teens yet, so I don't have first hand experience with that. I do have two older girls, though, that are 21 months apart and have been through their share of spats, door slamming, mean-mouthing each other in their early teens. It is normal behaviour, living in close quarters with a same sex sib to argue and pick at each other. I've stayed out of most of the girls' arguements and they always seem to iron themselves out. Again, Amanda's advice is probably the best way to go.

Good luck!

 

Hi. Thanks for the words of advice after watching them all weekend I was feeling so sad and frusterated that I felt helpless. I hope to get to know you all better and i promise not to whine so much about the kids

 

I have no advice for you, but I think what Amanda said was great.

I remember being that age...it was hard enough for me, let alone having to deal with another girl in the house.

venting here is part of the glory of twin stuff. ALOT of people here understnand...I know Ive done my share of venting!!!

Welcome to ts...you will love it here! :sign0016:

 

HI Wishingstar1973, and Welcome to Twinstuff! :sign0016:

I have to ditto what the others have said...I completely agree with Amanda and also Vicki's advice. You do have to remove yourself from the equation as much as you safely can so that they learn to sort things out themselves (it will help you not feel so upset about it too if you can remove yourself a little bit, emotionally).

I also highly recommend Vicki's suggestion about trying to help them find some activity of their own (as individuals) where they can make individual friends and shine as individuals. It can be hard to do (ie they may both want to do the same thing and then what do you do? over here we are going with same activity opposite days if it comes to that...more of a hassle, but worth it).

We've seen a great improvement in the tension between our boys since we have made a really determined effort to give them their own space, their own time with dad and their own activities. Kenny is playing hockey right now and Edward is loving taekwondo. When hockey finishes, Kenny wants to join TKD and we will let him, but I will do the necessary running around to get them to different classes.

I don't think it is anything inborn in twins to have these sibling tensions and rivalries, but I do think these normal feelings can sometimes be exacerbated by the fact that they usually have to do so much together (same grade, same age), they are lumped together by other people and even some friends tend to think of them as a unit. They are reaching the age when all kids' individuality starts to become intensely important...for twins who have experienced early life largely as a duo, this poses some unique challenges.

They'll find their way. Help them, but try to remember it is their struggle...both as individuals who are trying to figure out who they are, and as a pair of siblings who need to work out the groundrules of their new and more mature relationship.