At a Loss

Hello all. .my oldest son just turned 5, and over the past 6 months or so his behavior has really deteriorated. We have had a lot of changes recently and Im blaming his behavior on that..but not excusing it. In March of last year, their father and I split up and the children and I stayed with my mother from March until the first of January this year. When we moved into our own place the children had to switch preschool b/c the one they were going to was waay too far. So in the past month we have moved, and he switched preschools.

Lately he has been off the wall. He never stops moving or doing something. All day he thinks everything is funny. If he is misbehaving and I try to talk to him he will just make faces and laugh. Im at my witts end!! He used to be my BEST child and I just never thought this would happen. Im on the verge of tears just typing this because I dont know what to do to discipline my own child! I dont know how to make him listen. And its not necessarily that he's being BAD or getting into things he shouldnt..he's just sooo hyper and hes running around and screaming and pushing his siblings and at dinner he's playing and just cutting the fool. Yesterday he had a field trip and the teacher said he was misbhaving on the field trip...I guess he's the class clown or something. Im ready to let him live with his dad so he can deal with it.. BUT he doesnt act like that at his dads house! And I couldnt REALLY let him live w/ his father and not me (and his siblings)
I dont think he has ADHD b/c he has no problem if I sit with him one on one to work on his workbook (letters,numbers,math,etc) or if we just cuddle to watch tv..he's fine. Im thinking he is just trying to get attention, but I dont know what to do anymore.
We dont get home until 6:15 and I have to make dinner and feed them, clean up and bathe them, etc..by myself x 4 kids and our week days are really not fun at all. There is really no Quality time on weekdays. What can I do?
I've lost my patience. I get soo angry when they (especially my oldest) do something they know not to, and Im just really not enjoying my children AT ALL lately. Im soo sad about it and I dont know how to fix it. And it just breaks my heart when he asks for my mother or his father b/c he's mad at me.. its easy on them b/c they dont have to deal with him ALL the time.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. I already plan on starting a sticker/behavior chart.. but how many warnings do I give them if they are on the verge of losing their sticker for a certain behavior? One warning and then if they do the 'prohibited'behavior again, they dont get their sticker?? Im sooo lost.
Sorry if I rambled, but theres just so much Im confused about. Thanks for the vent.

 

It sounds like he would like more time with you and negative attention is better than no attention. I'm not sure how you work that into your schedeule though.

The other thing I was thinking, cabin fever. Timothy just turned 5, and he honestly just has waaaaaaaay more energy than me or Sarah. He just needs to bundle up and run and when we've had ice and yuck he just can't. For the next 3 days we'll be in the 60's and I plan on keeping him moving outside as much as possible.

Marissa

 

Keep talking to him. Get him to use some of that energy he has. I just tell DS to run around outside. ("Don't come back until you've run arund the cul-de-sac 3 times...") DS is playing LaCrosse now -- he seems to like that. He gets tired of things quickly.
Later after he's calmed down somewhat, try talking to him again.
My cousin was ALWAYS in trouble at home. He's older than me, so I don't know if he was in trouble at school. Anyways, he's the nicest, well-meaning person, who just is SO ENERGETIC that he annoys people around him. It's like he's not comfortable only doing one or two things at once. My aunt and uncle tried with him, but my memories of him were of him always being grounded. He's now kind of unhappy -- tortured, just not sure what he wants and who likes him.
DS is like that. I don't want him to have memories of me yelling at him all the time. At the same time I think that, I think he HAS to learn acceptable behavior. So I do yell at him at times, and give him parameters all the time, etc. But I've also talked to him a lot, and he always has very good reasons (albeit outlandish ones, in that they're not what I'd think of)for what he does.
He's also bright. I'm not saying this to brag -- bright kids are just as needy and a challenge to raise as any other kid. But they're also great to be around, when they're not being exasperating. So, is your son bright? Is he maybe bored at school?
I've talked to DS's teacher about this several times -- we agree he needs challenges, but he also needs to learn self-control. It's a fine line, but she has a son who's the same. Not all kids are meant for a school "sit-still" environment; different learning styles and all that.... But that's a whole 'nother subject.
Since his "wild" behavior is kind of sudden -- check his diet. I've often wondered if I should limit DS on something. I've read a bunch of opinions -- white sugar is the culprit, or too much sugar, or gluten, etc.... I'll keep looking.
If he needs attention; and not just yours -- maybe he'd do well in some kind of creative class, acting or drawing. DS does the stuff he does to get into trouble usually when he's clowning around, or trying to be funny but goes too far into innappropriate.
Your son is young yet -- maybe he's controlling himself all day and letting off steam at home.
Hope some of these suggestions help. I know I'm all over the place, but keep trying. Talking seems to work the best for DS and me!

You also seem to feel worst b/c you're not enjoying your kids right now. You have a lot going on in your lives now. Give yourselves time to mourn your old life, the one you thought you were gonna have. You'll adjust, I know you will.

 

diet could be a factor, some key triggers for over activeness are ANY artificial colorings - especially red and yellow dye, high fructose corn syrup and he needs a LOT of protein, especially at breakfast.

My little boy is very active too, could you get him in a class or 2 like gymnastic, karate or baseball?
Do you use time out at all?
Is he getting adequate sleep?

 

I will just mention that the age of 5 has been one of the most challenging ages (so far!) of all my boys. I've had that 'Jekyl and Hyde' experience with each of them about the age of 5. They go from being attentive, sensitive, kind children to these complete maniacs! They all think they're hilarious, begin speaking REALLY loudly, almost seem like they don't even hear my instructions, and have so much energy it's enough to drive me bonkers. Right now it's in tandem because it is my twins. This time around, though, I know it's something they'll outgrow. Since your son isn't necesserily misbehaving, it sounds like you just need to come up with some guidelines so he's not driving you bananas all the time!

I really like the book 1-2-3 Magic, and it seems to work really effectively for children of this age. I would come up with a few guidelines - staying seated at the table and not bugging brothers, no running around in the house, no yelling - or whatever you need him to do! When he's having a problem with one of those things, start the count. You really, REALLY need to read the book first, though, before you start using the system. 99% of us use a 'counting' system and 95% of us are doing it wrong!

Lastly, don't underestimate the need of boys this age to be ACTIVE. I mean really active! They need a place to run and jump and exercise. If they aren't worn out, you are going to see this 'buzz' around them that makes them behave in a wild way. Recess is not happening daily at many schools, and I think that's a big problem - especially for boys! Also, keeping my sons busy with jobs and chores seems to help keep the wildness at bay. Just harnessing that energy and putting it to positive/constructive use will help a lot!

Good luck to you. I'm so sorry to hear about the hard time you've had these past months. That must be really hard on all of you!

 

Thank you all for your comments. He is definitely a very bright boy, but just full of energy! I was wondering if anyone else noticed a change in their boys around this age and allgood2000 gave me that reassurance.

I know that there are a lot of ideas out there that suggest certain foods cause children to be hyperactive...and Im not saying I dont believe it but I would like to think he is just being a normal active 5 yr old. Im going to give him some time over the next couple of months and see if he calms down at all. He isnt terrible in school. I mean he does his work and everything but I guess some days he has more energy than others and he's just trying to use it all, so those are probably the days he will get into trouble. I think his teachers have only mentioned him having a rough day twice in the past month.

I am definitely going to look into getting him some type of class, karate, or gymnastics or something...hopefully I can find something for him on the weekends, b/c our weekdays are so full.

We just moved to a house w/ a HUGE yard so he has all the room in the world to run, but its just been so cold and on weekdays when we get home its just gotten dark. . now that its actually warming up a little, and should be warm much more over the next 6 wks, he will be able to go out more and more and that will be good for him.

 

I just wanted to say hugs to all of you, change is always hard. The important thing though is for you to realize change happens to everyone and not feel guilty about the changes that have been happening in your own family. I would be willing to bet that your son's behaviour is coming a whole lot from you feeling guilty over the changes he has been going through and not being as stick with him as you used to be. I may be totally off, but I speak from my own experience with my oldest dd who had some behaviour issues in the begining after me and her dad seperated. It didn't take her long at all to see a hole in my defenses and run full steam with it. It was the hardest thing in the world to be the heavy hand, both from the guilt of knowing she was dealing with the seperation and also knowing that I was being compared to Disney Dad that she was staying with every other weekend. Somehow though I realized that I was doing more harm than good for her to not be Mom 24/7 and put all rules strongly back into place. I may never have been much fun but 12 years later I know she knows I love her and I am where home is. Maybe none of this is your issue at all but I thought I would throw this out there.

Mary

 

I also wanted to suggest, that since he is your oldest, and he seems to enjoy attention, you could reward him on good days with getting to stay up 30 minutes late and have alone time with you? We have been doing this with my son who is 6 because he has been getting lots of reprimands at school lately. On days with good reports from school he can go to bed at 8:30. On days where he got one reprimand at school his bedtime is 8:00 (same as the girls). And on serious days where he has misbehaved at school and home he goes to bed at 7:30 before the girls. He does not like this, and over the past few weeks has been working very hard at being good, and we've only had one early night in 2 weeks. It has been a great turn around with his behavior.

 

Mary, you are definitely right about me getting lax on the discipline..not necessarily b/c I feel guilty about all the changes, but I am really just trying harder to let them BE KIDS. I feel like I am soo strict and I expect to much out of them.. Also, I have spanked them and I am really trying NOT to use that form of discipline (punishment) And time outs just arent cutting it. I am working on a behavior chart and I hope this reward system will help everyone!!

 

Wendy, I might actually try this. I have tried not to do this previously b/c he is difficult to get up in the morning..and I actually sit in the kids room and read to them until they are all asleep.. so he would either be in there with me, or in another room by himself, until they were asleep.. and that usually takes 30 minutes, so he would end up being up later than I'd like him to.
We did this on superbowl Sunday b/c he likes the Steelers.. so he sat in the living room for a few, then came and sat w/ me till the kids were asleep, and we went into the living room to watch it together, but we were both asleep w/in 30 minutes of being out there. lol