At a loss with my 4 year old

Im at a total loss as to what to do with my 4 year old. He does not listen to anything his father and I say.
We give time out after time out and he will sit there for his 4 minutes and after he gets up hes good for a few minutes and then hes right back to being bad again. We take things away from him and he just does not care either. They started school at the beginning of the month and sine then the both boys behavior has gotten a lot worse. Brandon's more so though. Every morning waiting for the bus stop is just torture for me.
I'm at a total loss as to what to do with him

Time outs dont work, taking things away dont work, Im at a loss. I have tried talking to him and I get no where. I also believe in the 3 short weeks hes been in school hes had a time out for hitting another child. I dont have confirmation from the teacher yet but when I asked Brandon is hes had any time outs at school he said yes for hitting.

Does anyone have any ideas?

 

We talked to Brandons teacher just now and she said hes an absolute joy to have in class. No behavior problems at all and keep up what ever it is we are doing at home.

Very good news. Im glad my son can be trusted to behave when hes not with us. Now I just need to get him to behave all the time.

 

Wow, things change in an hour! :laughing:

I have nothing, you're doing exactly what I would be doing.

 

I think it's unrealistic to expect a 4-year-old (or any child) to "behave all the time." You're setting yourself up for disappointment if that's what you're aiming for. Teaching good behavior is, IMO, a process that lasts their whole lives. There isn't a simple fix, like "If I do this discipline method, he will behave." The kids will go through phases where they are little angels and phases where they are devils, depending on age, developmental stage, and external factors.

Starting school less than a month ago is a HUGE external factor! My DDs have been at the same daycare/preschool their entire lives, and we still get difficult periods when they switch classrooms every September. It takes at least a month to get back on an even keel.

It sounds like he is testing you. He needs to know that your response is consistent and fair. He's not suddenly going to say "Oh, when I do that, I get a time out or lose a toy, so I will never ever do that thing again." He's going to do it again, to make sure the same thing still happens. Over time, he will decide that he trusts your response, and it's not worth it to him to keep testing it over and over. (Then he'll move on to trying something else!)

 

No change we just finally got a moment to call the school.

 

We will keep up with the consistency but we have been and it just does not seem to phase him. He has it set in his mind that he can do what ever he wants when ever he wants and no matter what the punishment he will serve it and then go right back and do the same things over and over again

I dont expect them to behave ALL the time but some of the time would be nice and while in public would be even better!

 

:hug: He sounds like my oldest at that age! It was strange to me because I had always heard about the terrible 2's and Jon never went through that. Well then he started K, and it was like a whole different Jon came about.
The thing that really played a role for my son was keeping him busy. Jon had been in pre-school/daycare for a year before K and he did awesome. Well the only big difference was the amount of activity they did. So when Jon got home from school I made sure there was a good snack for him and then made sure that he RAN or did a very active activity outside, like playing soccer or fetch with the dogs.
It seemed like his little mind was working so hard on learning that all of a sudden everything else was just trouble, so I had to give him things to keep him busy. He also was a great student in school.
Waiting for the bus was a struggle here as well so we had a new game every week that we would play. One week it would be count all the red cars that passed. Another week would be to count how many steps it took from the house to the bus stop, another week count the trees or animals.
Good luck! I hope it gets better for you soon!

 

:grouphug:

It can be hard to 'transition' back home, especially after being at school.

I know I have one DD that comes home and lets it all loose.....she is good at school, but that takes a lot of emotional energy to follow the rules/routines and she simply needs to feel more 'control' when she gets home. We try to keep it fun and get her moving.

Transitions are hard and he probably feels safe at home, so you see the behaviors. I hope it gets better soon!

 

First, be proud he behaves at school, you are doing a good job.

I found 4 to be a challenging age for my oldest. I agree that going to school will likely result in some worse behavior as he has behaved well and "held it together" while at school.
I found a few books helpful, I think one was Setting Limits with Your Strong Willed child. I will look later for the other.
It is furstrating since you know he has the capabaility of behaving. Just keep being consistant and try to stay calm and discuss your expectations well before.
Hang in there

 

I so feel your pain. We're battling issues with our 4 yr. DS as well. I don't have much in the way of things that work quite yet. We just started seeing a counselor a couple of weeks ago b/c we are that desperate. I can to tell you that the last week and half have been much better with far fewer meltdowns and when he did meltdown, it was easier to diffuse. We've been trying to make a point in providing as much positive feedback and reinforcement as possible. When you feel like they are bad all the time, it's very hard to find something to be positive about. But, I found things like "smiling at his sister", "feeding the dog a treat" "finishing a race", etc. however small has helped. It started resulting in even more positive behavior so that I have been saying things like "You got dressed without argueing! I'm impressed!". I'm also making comments when the girls do things that they are asked to do without pitching a fit so that he sees me providing attention to the right behaviors. Example: "You girls brushed your teeth and got your PJ's when asked and without argueing that we now have 5 extra minutes to cuddle before bed".

Good luck with your son. I know how incredible frustrating it is and how stressful it can be for the whole family.