Arguing with DH

DH and I always seem to be arguing during/about feeding time. He seems to be stuck on this "why are they hungry, it hasn't been 4 hours yet, they shouldn't be hungry" but they are because they're screaming and sucking hands and anything else that comes their way.

He also can't seem to get the hang of feeding them both by himself so I can sleep more than 1 1/2 hour stretches. He's tried it twice and both times, major meltdowns all around. So, I'm present at EVERY feeding and doing the overnight and early morning myself because he's back at work.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how we can make this work? How do you do it in your home?

I love him but he's really pi**ing me off!

 

i wish i could help but DH had a major meltdown of his own last night. jacob has been especially fussy and DH was sleeping by him so he could soothe him every time he woke up. then owen had a bad reflux and started screaming at 3 a.m. and that woke jacob, who also started screaming, and DH completely lost his cool.

and i'm like, i've been on jacob-soothing duty for the past 2 days. can't you make it through one without flipping out?

so frustrated right now.

 

Our babies were still on a 3 hour feeding schedule at that age. They may be going through a growth spurt too, which when that happened they sometimes couldn't even make it three hours. If the 4 hours is working for you mostly, I guess I would stick with it. But I would definitely try to be flexible as far as watching for hunger cues and feeding them when they're hungry, which it sounds like you are doing so that's good.

As far as feeding them at the same time, early on we fed them back to back. Usually one would wake first, so we'd feed them and then feed the other - we'd wake them if they hadn't already woken by then. But probably around the 2 month mark we did start feeding them at the same time by putting them side by side on 2 boppy pillows. When we burped one, we'd prop the other's bottle with a rolled up blanket.

I know the night feedings are so hard. We were all over the place in the beginning, both not getting any sleep. We finally got in the groove of him being on from 7 pm til midnight and me covering the rest of the night. I hated it, because I hardly slept even when it was his shift because I could always hear them and I was always so anxious waiting for midnight to hit. It seemed as soon as it was my shift, they would be up the rest of the night. I thought it would never end. But looking back, it really was a short phase. They started sleeping longer than 3 hour stretches around 9-10 weeks, and after that it got better real fast. They started waking only once - somewhere between 2-3 am to eat and then they dropped it altogether a little after 3 months. So hopefully you'll be getting some longer stretches soon.

 

Mine were also eating every 3 hours when they were 2 months old. If you are able to feed both babies at the same time, why can't he watch how you do it and then do the same thing?

 

DH and I fought about the same thing at that stage. It's really hard. There were a few times when I just wanted to pack up and leave because we fought so much. The good news is it does get better- both the feeding and the fighting. Just work on your communication. :hug:

 

When they were small I would put them in a boppy side by sid to do feedings by myself. Once they got older, I would put them in bouncys and rest my elbows on each side of the chair and sit on the floor. How do you do it? Does he try or just say he cant?

 

We fought/fight the most during night feedings, too. I remember how bad it was in the beginning...I actually just stopped waking him b/c it was easier for me to just do it alone than deal with the tension...two sleep deprived people are not meant to talk at 4am. It always led to a problem. And it would always be about silly things...neither one of us could read the babies' minds, but we'd fight about what they needed, just like you.

Last night dd had a bad night (up 3 times) so I was really tired by 5am...so I woke dh to change/sooth her (since I already fed her) and w/out going into details, it became a big fight when they both woke up and I didn't jump up right away to help...even though I ALWAYS deal with both of them alone and rarely wake him (since he can somehow sleep though it all). I finally told him I just needed a break...so we got them dressed, I nursed them both, and he took them out for 3 glorious hours so I could sleep! Maybe you could have your dh take them for you...if they are good in the car or in strollers, he could take them out on an errand or just drive them around if you're worried about germy people in public so you can get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. It doesn't sound like much, but I try to get dh to do that at least once a week...it's an amazing feeling to really be "off duty" for a set amount of time, and it does wonders for our ability to communicate once I've really rested. Even when my babies sleep well, I don't because I'm listening for them. There's something very freeing about curling up in bed and knowing tht the house is empty so you're not on call!

 

I totally feel your frustration. I looked after both alone at nights and I was with them during the day aswell. It takes its toll eventually! If my MIL hadnt come and insisted on doing the night shift for a couple of weeks, I dont know what I´d have done!

After one particularly bad day when DS had a major meltdown (he was 5.5 weeks old), I asked DH to take DD, as she was the quieter one, so I could look after DS. That way I could get some much-needed shut eye. He complained ("I have to work tomorrow") but managed it. She even sttn one night! Then one night she kept making noises and not sleeping and DH totally lost the plot. I had to step in, kick him out the room (I told him to get a grip & sent him to the lounge) and calm her down. He managed to pull himself together and we got through the rest of the week without too many probs (we went to the in-laws for the summer). I must point out that she was waking about 5am and it was just one feed!

Why dont you each take a baby? It worked for us. That way you´ll both get some sleep. I have mine on two seperate routines as I couldnt feed both of mine at the same time. DD is a messy eater and can choke and DS is a nightmare to feed at the mo. Things will get easier. Mine have been sttn for about 3 months now and we eliminated the dream feed just a month ago. Im so relieved as they´re hard work during the day! Hang in there, you will get through it. :hug:

 

We used boppies on either side of us that way you could hold both bottles feeding both at the same time, stop to burp and then let them finish the bottle. My boys took a good 30 minutes to feed they were very slow eaters but DH could never say he couldn't do it because all you had to do is sit between them holding the bottles. Once one woke it wouldn't be long before the other was up so I started waking the one who was not up to feed also so they would get on the same schedule. We used to switch feedings so that each of us would at least get a 3 hour stretch of sleep. On w/e's I was on my own and slept on downstairs with them because DH worked 12 hour shifts and had to get up at 4am...boy, I don't miss those days I feel for you!

P.S. Ours were also on a 3 hour feeding schedule at that age.

 

DH never would feed them both at the same time either. He would set an alarm for right before they would normally wake up. He would get bottles ready and wake one up and feed them. By the time he got the first fed the second would be waking up. Our boys were in the NICU though and they came home on and stuck to a pretty rigid 3 hour schedule. At that age too they pretty much took their bottle and went right back to sleep.