Arguing with DH

DH and I have been arguing a lot lately. Nothing serious just little stuff but it makes me sad. He is extremely extremely helpful with the kids and even does the first feeding so i often get to sleep until 4am!

I really don't know what I am doing as a first time mom and I am trying sooo hard to do my best. I am trying so hard to make sure the babies are happy and well rested and well fed and I know I don't always do or say the exact right thing but I really am trying. I ask him for his opinion on a lot of things and I think he is frankly just sick of talking about it. I will ask repeatedly how he thinks they should be put down to sleep, how to get them to eat more...blah blah blah. I obviously overanalyze things but that is just me and I am working on it but I really can only work on so many things right now.

He was leaving to play golf this morning and I was trying to put DD down for her nap. As always she was fighting it and I kept having to go in to put her binky in or put her back in her swaddle. I asked him if he would help me figure out what to do and he said "what, you need help making a decision about how to get your daughter to sleep?" Anyway, this made me mad and we got into an argument about it.

While we were argueing he mentioned that I was really fighting myself and not him - I guess he is right. I am embarrased and uncomfortable with the fact that I have 0 confidence as a mother sometimes and I get stressed out trying to figure out whether to wake them up, how to feed, what to put them down to bed in etc.... you get the picture.

Now I feel like a bad mother and a bad wife and my mother-in law is mad at me because she did not get the hold my over-tired very grumpy babies when we saw them for one hour of one evening over labor day weekend. I was being too protective because my babies typically freak out with new people and they were already screaming touchy messes. We had traveled to Ohio and they were in a million new situations surrounded by all kinds of new faces and places. We were flying home early the next morning and I was terrified that if she held my son he would freak out and never sleep all night and we would have a terrible flight home. Completely wrong on my part, I understand that, but can't she see I am just trying my best here.

Don't you ever just feel like you should get a free pass as a new mother of twins and no one is allowed to judge anything you do...DH's and mother in laws included.

Amy

 

Hey Amy,
Try not to be too hard on yourself. you're doing great - and you're not expected to know anything. Everything's figure it out as you go. I started out asking DH but he always said "I don't know" so I figured "all right I'm going to have to be the one to try things" - so now - I make decisions - wrong or right - and if they're wrong - I learn and try something else - doesn't mean I'm a bad mom though - we all have to figure it out.
I do think you should get a free pass - so try not to worry about your MIL.

 

Lots and lots of hugs to you. :hug99: Having twins is so hard! It really sounds like you're doing great. If you can get through a day with two babies and have everyone clean and fed and in one piece, that is already a major accomplishment! And you're probably doing way better than just the basics.

I think it's great that you're asking DH for his advice and opinion. It is so easy for dads to get left out and rely on the mom for help with everything - as in, "She's crying, what do I do?" That was rude that he snapped at you on his way out, but all in all it's a good thing that you're including him so much.

Just remember, all you can do is your best, and you're learning new things every day. Everyone makes mistakes, but that's how you figure things out. You're doing great! Hang in there. You can do it. You are doing it.

 

:hug99: I think just about every new mom goes through that, and with twins, well, it's double the stress, double the doubts, double the crying that you can't figure out, double everything. And I also think it's great that you are asking your DH for advice - after all, you guys are in this together, they are your children, and you want an equal partnership and for him to have an equal say in what goes on with your babies. But I think most men fumble in that area, and while they can learn to bathe a baby, and feed them, and swaddle ... they typically leave the scheduling/figuring everything out part up to the woman. It might be detrimental to the women's movement but it's true. I know if I asked my DH about every little thing with the babies, he'd probably freak out or snap on me too, especially since he's the one that works all day long and pretty much leaves the childcare to me.

But you know what, there comes a point where you just have to jump in and try something and hope it works. I brought the babies home on a Friday and my guy was supposed to go back to work the following Tuesday. I begged and begged for him to stay another day because I was petrified of being alone with these two little crying creatures! But he had to go to work, and I just had to take care of them, one way or another. It's all trial and error, and you'll make some mistakes, and you'll do some things that you will be soooo proud of ... just take it day by day (ha, or with twins, hour by hour) and come on TS a LOT. Anytime I had a question or a doubt, I'd put it up here and get answers in minutes from women who were right there where I was. Oh, and the doubt never goes away, I think. I'm right now questioning whether I should let them CIO during the one time they wake at night to nurse, among other things.

And with you MIL ... puff. I think new moms automatically put a strain on thier relationship with thier own moms and MILs. It just comes with bringing home a new baby or babies. I know my mom bugged me the first couple of months because she rubbed me the wrong way on a lot of things that I wanted to do with my babies (she thought I was dumb for not using pacifiers, wanted me to give them Jello water to fill them up, etc.) As they get older and you all get used to your new roles, it will all come easier. Hopefully. Plus, unless you have two babies that you are trying to schedule, you just can't understand. Unless you've had two babies meltdown on you at the same time because they got off thier schedule, well, then you can't complain when all of a sudden Mom wants to get up and go, even if you only had 20 minutes with the babies. You live with them, you are raising them, they aren't. They don't have to deal with the consequences of 2 babies that are just toast.

Lots of hugs, we are here for you!!!

 

you'ved described my situation to a T. we are in the same boat here. Today, my oldest child threw a HUGE tantrum over nothing. it as teh biggest yet. we realized that our constant fighting an bickering was ruining our child. that just isn't fair. I am going to work on my snappiness and self-confidence. i also have no confidence as a mother, as a person (meaning no confidence with looks), or as a wife.
the first year puts ALOt of stress on the marriage. Realitives don't understand that. i don't really have any advice except that in my situation i don't think our relationship is going to get better until i get better.

\
i wish you luck!!! sounds like you are doing a GREAT job as a mother!

 

Someone once said that if your marriage survives the first year of twins, it can survive anything! :hug99: You need to give yourself a break Amy. You are doing an awesome job and you are not supposed to know everything about being a mom and you are expected to do everything "right" the first, second or third time either. Sometimes I feel like that if my twins make it out of the infant stage and toddlerhood alive, than I did a good job. :hug99: Try and be kind to yourself and try and ignore those that are making you feel down about yourself. Also, you and DH will reconnect better once you get the hang of things, and it does take a lot of work.

 

First off.. :hug99: :hug99: :hug99:
I cant imagine having twins for my first babies.. It must be hard.. Just have confidence in yourself.. You are their mother.. You will do what is right for your babies.. Its great that DH helps soo much..
The father of my DD didnt help at all and now i am not with him. My DH now is awsome!! WTG for good DH's!!!
DH and i have started to argue a little more since the babies were born too... I know it will get a little worse before it gets better!!!
You are doing a good job.. Hang in there.. !!

 

We were told to try and let things bounce off of you during the first few months/year after having twins because you are always so tired. SO much is new with newborn twins, especially to a first time mom. YOu do things different than your mom did things back in 'those days.' Keep your chin up!! :hug99:

 

:hug99: You are doing such a great job as a mom and believe me we all doubt our abilities at one time or another. I agree with all the pp! You just need to jump in there and make a decision and if it doesn't work...don't beat yourself up! I remember with my 1st daughter that I had no idea of what I was doing. If your daughter is fighting out of her swaddle, maybe she's ready to try to get to sleep without it? Just a thought. I know when my girls got to where they would get themselves out, then I stopped doing it. As far as the pacis...just keep putting them in! Just remember too that if you are doubting your abilities, then your DH is probably doubting his as well...especially since these are your first babies. He's probably just as clueless as the rest of us are with our 1st. As for your mil...she'll hopefully get over it! We all do things from time to time that they think we shouldn't worry over, but they just have to remember that they are our babies not theirs! I wouldn't worry about it too much. Just know that you can come here anytime and ask as many questions that you need to! That's what we are here for. Take care and remember you are doing the best you can!

 

Boy, did you just bring me back to those first few months... :wacko: (Actually, I really felt like that the first 6 months and sometimes still do.) I felt exactly the same way. I felt so clueless and helpless and unsure of EVERY SINGLE move I made or didn't make or thought about making. It was insane. I thought about 10 different ways that I could do each and everything and would get completely hung up on which one I should do. Which one was going to be the most perfect solution to the situation at hand. You are doing a great job. It really is pretty much trial and error right now. Rely on your mother's instinct. It's a very real thing. You will try some things that won't work and then you will try some others that will. And just when something DOES start to work, the babies will change things up on you and what was once working won't work anymore and what made them upset before will may very well be the thing that now calms them. Remember, they're trying to figure this whole out of the womb, welcome to planet earth thing as much as you are trying to figure out how to mommy them. Just make sure they are fed, get sleep when ever THEY need it, change an occasional diaper and coo and gaga over them from time to time and they will be fine. I promise. Also, I'm not sure how old your babies are exactly but just remember that babies fuss and cry. ALL BABIES FUSS AND CRY. It is as much a part of their life as is breathing so just take some deep breaths, have a good cry when you need to (great stress reliever!) and take one step at a time. You are looking to your husband for answers that he is just as clueless about as you feel right now and men have a much harder time dealing with the whole newborn/baby thing than we do because they just don't have that maternal, emotional connection that we as carriers and deliverers to the continuation of the human race have. Wow, I think I've gone on a major ramble here but I hope you get me. Hang in there, I swear swear swear it DOES all get easier and one day you will feel like such a pro at this mommy thing with each new accomplishment you conquer in the crazy life of motherhood.

 

Thank you all so very very much! This has been the first week of my babies short 3.5 month lives that I have not wanted to run to their rescue everytime they cried or fussed...actually, my babies seem to prefer screaming, but you get my point. That in itself feels like a huge accomplishment.

Thanks again!
Amy