Argh! Grandpa rant

I bit the bullet this week and introduced my kids to peanut butter. We've dealt with a few other food allergies with them (nothing anaphylactic, just tummy troubles), but I am tired of having to feed separate meals all the time so I decided to go through all the allergens and see how they do. Despite the allergy issues we've had my dad wants to feed them everything under the sun all day long, and I have to fight with him constantly to read ingredients.

Anyway, they've done great so far with peanut butter and I was telling my parents about it today and my dad says "oh good, then I can confess that I was holding a piece of toast with peanut butter over the baby gate the other day and Miles took a bite out of it, total accident." Um.. no, that is not a total accident. If you were trying to avoid feeding him peanut butter you wouldn't hold a frigging piece of toast over the gate, would you? My kids are generally gated off from the kitchen at my parents house, there is no way that it could be an accident.

I am FURIOUS. Not only does he not respect my rules, but he does things that are potential safety issues. I don't feel like I can trust him to watch the kids because he pulls stunts like this all the time. I don't really care if he wants to spoil them when he sees them, but why does he have to give them allergens before I have introduced them just for kicks? WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM?

 

I totally understand your frustration! My mother in law does things, I swear to god, deliberately against my wishes.

I don't know how to tell you to handle him. I vented to my mother and she helped me better understand the mentality. To my MIL and your dad, they've BTDT. They've raised kids, made ER trips, nobody went into anaphylactic shock so *obviously* they don't need our direction to watch our kids.

If you figure out how to explain that your wishes are based on research and ped recommendations and your dad gets it, please let me know. I've been fighting the same battle!

 

My dad dropped a Reese's PB cup wrapper (the brown one) on the floor when visiting for 2 days. Yeah, Orion crawled over and chewed on it. I was PO'd, like you, because it's PB. I don't think it was intentional, just really lazy. He did hear my displeasure, though.

My MIL, on the other hand, does not do intentional things anymore. She knows that I mean business with these kids and basically if I can't trust her (or anyone else for that matter) around my kids they aren't around my kids unsupervised. I would also object to the toast thing in front of me.

I also have a 1,200 mile advantage with both my parents and my IL's, so I think they are a bit more respectful.

 

Jen, I am :headbang: in frustration with you. I am sorry that your father is not listening to you. I know I would be very frustrated with that. :hug:

 

One thing I've learned is that they won't change. My son had a true egg allergy where he would get hives/puff up if he ate them or things containing them. My MIL could not grasp the concept of eggs in things so she would offer him custard, salad dressings, baked goods etc. Finally, we stopped allowing him+them around food, unsupervised.

Funny thing is that one trip, she complained to us because we wanted to order pepperoni pizza and it turns out FIL is allergic.

If it frustrates you to no end that he won't follow your rules, you may need to make tougher ones to get your point across (limit visits, limit activities). Or, you could accept him for his merry ways and try to decide that him doing things different is ok. I think it depends on whether you truly feel he has your kids best interests in heart or not. I personally believe my ILs see my children as tokens/accessories to their life style and not as little people who need care/love/attention so I have severely limited visits/interactions/activities.

 

Dealing with grandparents is so hard. I just posted a week or two ago about the issues I have with my dad and my ILs. I have basically decided to realize that they are not gonna change. They believe that since they have raised their children they do not need me telling them how to raise my children. I also try to remember that if they did not keep my kids for me I would never get a break.....so a break is worth the hassles for me. I have also noticed that the grandparents think my husband and I are crazy becase we have all these rules and regulations, we read books, and we have twin forums to talk to other moms. They think we are too protective. I have limited some contact with my MIL cause she is just crazy and never listens to a word I say. Just remember that they are not doing things to hurt your kids they just have hard time understanding how we parent.

 

This is frustrating. I don't know exactly what it is--I suspect a lot of it is a generational thing. Our parents raised us during a different time when there were no warnings about foods to avoid during pregnancy, foods to withhold from the LOs during the first year, heck, there weren't even any car seat laws!

My Mom by-and-large respects my wishes (although she definitely does things her own way), but when I want her to do something differently I usually use language like "we probably shouldn't give them peanut butter until I have a chance to clear it with the doctor" rather than things like "you should not give them peanut butter."
It's a small strategy I think softens the message and makes her more receptive since I'm not telling her what to do.
I don't know if that will help at all. Certainly, though, if I felt there was a serious safety issue, I'd probably just state my mind.

 

:hug: i'm sorry Jen - i know this has been an ongoing issue & i can only imagine how frustrating it is.

 

I feel for you... All four of E&N's grandparents do it. I always try telling myself that in the scheme of things it is not such a big deal, but I totally understand your frustration.

 

Somehow when parents become grandparents, it's almost like "pay back" time-)) I don't think they do it on purpose, but they are stubborn beyond reason. My mom was excellent about it, she accepted the fact that things have changed since the time we were kids. Everything is different, including food! the way food is prepared and so on. Kids today are much more susceptible to allergies.
Your dad need to understand if one of your kids get into an anaphylactic shock during their stay with him, and they need to make a trip to the ER that will scar for everyone. The kids will always be scared to go over to grandpa and your parents will always have the fear of this bad experience.
Try to explain it to them this way. Even though most likely it won't make the effect you are hoping for it's worth a try.
:hug: