Are my 4.5 y/o boys really that different?

Hey everyone!
I hope everyone is enjoying spring, hasn't really hit here in NH but their is hope!

Our boys rough-house, Sometimes too much. But we deal with it by giving them a specific time of day to get it out of their systems and a couple of rules around that time. They know to to do it in the store, playground etc...although they try. I didn't think this was anything unusual, obnoxious, yes.

Lately they have been disruptive in preschool. Apparently they constantly have their hands on each other, which of course the other boys in class see and want to partake.

The teacher, whom we love, seems shocked by this.
I don't play the 'twin' card often but I really think that is what makes this situation different, oh and their boys.
Not that this gives them a pass to behave this way but I'm struggling on what I can do about it while they are at school.
I'm not their.
I gave her the words we use, how we handle it, not sure what else I can offer.
The boys are together 24/7. I wish we could do more separately but it's just not feasible.

2 questions:
1. what exactly should I be expecting as far as behavior with 4.5 y/o, other than sass...we have so much sass!!
2. How should I be handling behavior that I'm not apart of? My instinct tells me that the teacher should be handling it. Consequences don't seem to work hours after the incident.

Yes, right now my kids can be obnoxious brats, but we deal with it. My gut tells me this is age appropriate.

Please help me put this in perspective. The teacher suggested we read Siblings Without Rivelary, which I'll read.

Help!!
Thanks guys!
Reb

 

The unrelated boys at my kids' school rough house a lot. Well, some of them. It might not help but I don't think it's abnormal.

For what it's worth though, I was fighting with my sister until we were 12 or something... The only thing I can tell you is to split them up as soon as you can.

 

Sounds similar to my kids Not abnormal at all and I think your right in that the teacher needs to discipline. My boys are in the same class at preschool but the teacher does not allow them to sit by each other because of this very reason. Your not playing the "twin card", it's just different having a sibling in class with you....I never had it so I would have no idea what's it like, but I'm sure I would've been annoyed

 

My boys are younger than yours and don't go to preschool until the fall, but that sounds about like what we have with them - lots of roughhousing and lots of sass. They behave much better with other kids than they do with each other, and we are hoping to have them in separate classes in the fall if the preschool had enough enrollment for that to be an option.

In my opinion (as a former teacher and married to a teacher) the teacher should be handling these things during preschool. If they can't keep their hands off of each other, then the teacher needs to separate them or use time out or whatever. There is going to be little to no effect from you talking with them hours later about it - kids at 4.5 just don't work that way, and things have to be dealt with when they happen.

 

One note I will add is that on the bus my two are more disruptive with each other than they are with others. Perhaps when/if they can be seperated when they start kindergarten will help. :hug:

 

I don't have much advice (although it does sound normal to me) but I would highly recommend Siblings Without Rivalry to any family. There are some fabulous concepts and principles in there that have been helpful to my overall parenting.

 

Is the teacher not handling it at all, is she asking for advise, or is she just letting you know what is going on? Just because she told you about it, doesn't mean she doesn't deal with it. I want the teacher to tell me when my boys are misbehaving, so I can back it up at home, and maybe remind them before school about what is expected behavior.

That said, yes, boys do roughhouse, but usually will stop when called out. Because yours are always together, they know how to push each others' buttons, and since you have a "time and place" for them to act out, they know it is OK sometimes. At 4.5, they don't always "get" that they can't generalize to any time they feel like acting up.

 

My 4y3m boys are in the same class at preschool. They have dramatically different personalities. One of them has gotten in trouble a TON this year for "play-fighting" with other boys in class. My other son has only had one TO all year (and that was for sass/not listening). The teacher is always giving him TO's for it. I have wrestled with whether I should discipline as well but I'm with you in that I feel like the teacher should handle it and I don't know that he always needs to get punished twice for the same offense ... especially since honestly I think this teacher's standards are a little high for a 3's class. (And some of the T/O's are for what I consider not really TO-worthy offenses.)

 

We have a similar problem at our new daycare. I think it's a combination of the fact that my boys are on the active end of the spectrum, and that they are in a class full of much calmer girls with a daycare director who has proven to be very uptight and ill-equipped to really deal with extreme boy behaviour.

So, how we deal with it is by working with them at home on their behaviour.. all the regular stuff; time outs, talking to them, praising good behaviour and all that. We are really working on inside vs. outside voices and whatever right now. Some of it is successful, some of it is not; it really has a lot to do with their age.

Then, I also have had a few discussions with their teacher and their daycare director to talk about my expectations for them. This was incredibly painful because the director is completely out to lunch, but we ended up with fairly clear ideas on what I think is "reportable" behaviour. I also had to get her to be more forceful with discipline, because she was relying on me to deal with things, but that's not effective when I don't see them for 8 hours a day. (during this meeting she managed to make me essentially feel like a child abuser for giving them time outs, but that's a whole other post) She worked out a system where she does a weekly report card instead of downloading every single thing they did wrong every day. She still manages to tell me some parenting thing i am doing completely wrong every day, but at least we've alleviated her getting on the kids' case every day and they're now quite happy and fitting in quite nicely at daycare.

 

Not sure about the school thing since Walker and Jocelyn are in 2 different classes (thank goodness!!!) but all 3 of mine rough house all the time at home. Maybe it's the age? I hope!! LOL Good luck!! Oh and I think I will look for that book! LOL

 

From a preschool teacher point of view-- it is a liability. If another children were to get hurt from play fighting, there would be a lot of documentation and possible upset parents.

It is also, at 4, not unusual but should not be allowed.

A few things the SCHOOL should do:

1. Keep the boys apart in different areas/groups/seats etc as much as possible.
2. Model appropriate behavior-- standing in line, waiting, sitting, free time.
3. Make sure that there is enough physical activity to help get the 'need' for movement fulfilled.
4. Document if there are triggers to it (does it occur at certain times?) and then if there are-- work toward eliminating the triggers
5. Have clear communication with parents-- not negative, but open and honest
6. Be able to tell when it is just typical play and possibly a sensory or other concern that needs to be addressed


Parents:

1. Can model behavior (talk too-- but role play and acting it out are more effective at that age)
2. Role play at home on what to do and when to do it
3.Communicate with school regularly
4. Explore concerns if they are beyond 'typical'
5. Allow for adequate sensory and physical outlets at home before/after school

For twins: even if they are together, try to give them different activities or chores to do to help give each some space and/or reduce competition


Good Luck, it is tough.

It is age appropriate for some rough-housing, but at the same time - most 4 yr old kiddos can curb it when asked (per day not expected 100% to go away) and/or know when it is OK and not OK. 4 is not too young to start developing empathy and social awareness (you might hurt others, so and so does not like to be touched, if you break rules X happens).

Are they involved in anything physical like gymnastics, soccer, etc. That also may help with the physical contact/movement that they seem to want at that age.

IF they are off to K next year-- the schools are very likely going to take and even harder stance on rough-housing. It is not tolerated in most elementary schools at all and a lot of kids in K struggle at first with the 'hands-off' rules.

 

I know I'm not the OP, but thanks so much for your input, KCMichigan! Since this has been a struggle off and on this year with one of my boys, it's good to get a preschool teacher's perspective. That makes a lot of sense.

 

I second the siblings without rivilry book. Love it.

You might also read The Art of Roughhousing.