Anyone out there making it with little to no help?

Today I get a call from my sister who basically foreshadows doom for my marriage and children's mental health if I do not hire help of some kind. Just today I hired the twins next door to clean my house once a week ($20 total...what a steal!). Anyway, she says I will not be able to enjoy my babies blah blah blah. I am incredibly tired, but I don't know how I feel about hiring a stranger to come in and help with my kids. My 3 year old does go to preschool 2 days a week for his sanity (it actually drains me to take him because it takes so darned long to get everyone ready, but it is good for him so I keep doing it). I am kind of paranoid on the kid front...two workers at our church molested children in our church and I guess I learned there that you can't really trust anyone with your kids except maybe your family. I am doing the best I can do here and I don't need/want the stress that I am making my children future therapy-goers. My main priorities are keeping my kids diapers changed, feeding my kids, and pumping breastmilk in that order. I am trying to do things like play games with my son or read to him or take him outside every day. I hold/talk to the twins for something other than just feeding every day. Everything else can fall by the wayside (housework, yard work). Am I really putting my kids mental health and well being in jeopardy by trying to do this alone? My husband provides some relief at night, but not as much as I would like.

Is it doable?

 

It is totally doable and you are doing a great job. We have a housecleaner that comes every other week and that is it. I also have a 3 almost 4 year old son and then the twins and I do it alone for the most part. My husband leaves the house by 5:30am everyday and doesn't get back til 5 or 6 and the girls are usually asleep by then. We do live around the corner from my parents but they work full time too. I would much rather have my kids have a tired mom who prioritizes their needs then have someone else taking care of them all the time. What about a Mother's helper like a neighbor girl to comeover and play with your son a couple of days a week in the evenings??
Hang in there, you are doing an awesome job.
Kristi

 

hi i went through the same thing as u although i do not have any other children besides my twins.. when i was finally ready to have a huge breakdown of my untidy house... i hired someone to come twice a week to help clean... they did the cleaning i took care of the kids.. its amazing how good it feels when u know ur house is clean and do not have the burden of..stuffing laundry in at 10pm mopping floors at midnight.. maybe u should do something like that at first to see..and if the person u get does well with the kids.. then u can have her help u when u are home only ... hope it helps..let me know how u make out.

 

I had/have no help since my first day out of the hospital. My kids are all happy and mostly healthy (we all are getting over strep.) The babies are socially developing right on track, I play games with my 8 year old and I spend time with DH. It is all do-able. I have priorities as well... kids, dh, dogs, dinner, housework. Many days were things don't get done or I overlook something but what really matters never gets forgotten.

 

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Am I really putting my kids mental health and well being in jeopardy by trying to do this alone?

Mary! If you are....I'm in BIG trouble!! I have 5 and have always pretty much done it alone. The only help I have ever asked for was when I was on bedrest and physically could not do it(which almost killed me! ). I think that if you are happy, and able to do it yourself, how could you be harming your kids? I would recommend a break every now and then!

 

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Am I really putting my kids mental health and well being in jeopardy by trying to do this alone?


I cant believe your sister would say something like that You do not need to hire help to be a good mother. It is doable, just tiring. Im with you on the trust thing. The only person I have trusted my kids with is my grandmother and that is it...well no one else has offered to help but still, I do not like to involve strangers in my home. Even when I sell things on craigslist I meet at a nuetral place so they dont know where I live. I just cant imagine hiring someone to come in and take care of them before they are old enough to talk and tell me if something is wrong. You are doing your kids a great service by taking care of them the best you can

 

maybe we are all a little crazy!! i have 5 also and my DH doesn't ever make it home before about 8pm...so i do just about everything myself. my older girls are big softball players and the season is about to start. i hope the twins like being outside because they are going to see an awful lot of it!! we do it alone because they are OUR children. yes, every once and a while some peace is nice and my DH is great about getting me out of the house so i can get some peace, when possible. you can and are doing it alone and your children are better off for it!!

 

I just have the twins - and It's mostly just me - and I like it that way...it's a lot of work, but I like them knowing that they have and can depend on me...

Like PP - I don't really trust anyone else besides my mom...

 

I have basically not had any help either. My DH was home for the first 2 weeks they were home and then my mom would come once a day for about an hour, but that didn't last very long. I also have a 6 year old. The only help I have now is when my MIL comes up 2x/month so that I can volunteer in my DD's kindergarten class. That is my only help. It is hard, I'm not going to lie, but it is doable. There were days I felt like I was just going to cry because it was so difficult to keep up with all 3 of them and I felt like I was always telling my oldest to wait. If you can hire help that is great and I would do it. We could not afford to hire any help, if we could have I would have. Hang in there it does get easier each day.

 

I was and continue to be in the same boat as you. DH and I have no family around at all to help us. I am with them from the time the twins wake up until about 5 or 6 and the girls go to bed at 7:30. DH helps me more on the weekends. We have not been out on a date since the twins were born for the same reason Cassie mentioned. We simply don't trust ANYONE to watch our kids until they are old enough to tell us if something was wrong. Even then, kids can be scared into not saying anything. We are actually moving to Puerto Rico in a year and a half so that we can be by my dh family and have a little help. It is really hard but completely doable. Were there times when I was completely losing my mind, having a mini scream fest with myself, and breaking down and crying??? Of course! But in the end, you do what you have to do for your children. I think hiring someone to clean your house was a good move. I also have someone clean our house every other week so that I can spend that time with the kids and have a little me time when they are napping (if I'm not napping myself ) Your sister loves you and I'm sure she is just looking out for you and means only the best for you but you sound like you got it under control!

 

Your sister is the crazy one! You can totally do this! Some days are clockwork, as if they were choreographed or something. Then other days are so clumsy, you just feel like you're tripping all over the place. Lately, I've been feeling pretty clumsy, but I know its only temporary.

Everyday I take care of the twins, work from home, help with homework, make sure i'm there for all of DDs extracurricular stuff, try to track down my 16yr old son and try to have a real non-baby conversation with my DH. The house has still managed to stay livable and somehow we manage to eat dinner every night. On the other hand, the laundry is completely out of control and I try to squeeze my own shower in sometime around 1am most days. But NONE of that is going to impact the mental health of my baby girls!

A happy home is better than a clean house!

HTH! Laura

 

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Originally posted by Marbear:
Just today I hired the twins next door to clean my house once a week ($20 total...what a steal!).




That is a steal! IF anything, I would see if I could get them to come MORe often - maybe do some laundry, start dinner a few night a week... I started out w/help for the kids & switched to help for the house! I felt like I was missing out & didn't like having someone come in, do it her way, etc. I'm sure your sis is trying to help in her own way but what does she know about it? Is she a child psychologist psychic? does she even have twins herself??

 

It is definitely doable, although I'll be honest, it's ALOT of work and you have to build up a bit of a thick skin for crying (when it's two against one, there just isn't always enough of you to go around). What I've done to make things just a little easier is to hire someone to clean the house once a month (just so things don't get totally out of hand), and I accept ANY and all help from responsible adult friends and family. This last one is huge, especially as the babies become more demanding of your attention. Even a friend to drop by in the am for coffee and to hold a baby is very helpful and may give you that extra few minutes to squeeze in a shower or a meal.

To say that it's easy or it couldn't possibly affect your health would be naive--because it could, depending on you and how you set up your life. But...it can be done, and a loving, nurturing SAHM that accepts help where needed will truly be a gift to them!

 

I get help from my parents and that's about it - they will take the boys if I need a break, but other than that, it's typically just me and the kiddos. I'll say how tired I am sometimes (when I've been up all night with the kiddos, etc, my honey doesn't help much with that) and he'll tell me to call someone to come over ... but I really don't feel comfortable with anyone over here but my parents. And even if someone was over here, I doubt I'd sleep well - I'd "mom sleep" - keep listening for their every cry .

I'm thinking of calling my friend who does cleaning on the side to come and help ... but then again, the house can wait. Like others have said, kids come first, housework last.

DOing it by yourself is totally do-able, and I think you get a certain superwoman feeling when you've had a good day (or heck, even a good hour) with your kids and they love you so much and you feel like supermom for doing it all yourself!

 

I had a lot of help at first. I have a 3 yr old too and the twins. My mom spent the night for a few weeks but now she just come over a couple of days a week and lately it hasn't even been that much b/c she has been out of town and other things have come up that she has had to attend to. I watch the clock on the days I am here alone all day. My DH gets home at 4:30 so that isn't too bad. It is hard for me to get everyone ready and go somewhere. It is just so much work and then more work when I get to where I'm going.

But all that to say, I do think it is better of course if you have some kind of help. I know it is hard to find people you can trust. I am the same way. You mentioned church....do you have any close friends there that have offered to help? I had some friends that offered when the babies were younger and in the past I would've said no but I took them up on it because I knew that I needed the relief. I just had some friends who are also stay at home moms that came over to help me while I was here too. We would fold clothes, hold babies, etc. It was just nice to have another adult here for part of the day.

 

I'm the housecleaner, cooker and baby watcher - my DH is alot of help when he gets home but I never hired any help and I don't think my kids have suffered one bit...true - my house may not be the most organized but we all have clean clothes and clean dishes and the rest gets done when I can - oh and I work 28 hours a week too...(although I don't have a toddler)...

I think hiring to houseclean will be most beneficial since you'll want to be with the babies...

 

Sounds like you're doing great. We haven't even had an hour of help from anyone since the boys were born. The big thing I wish we had done differently is have someone to take care of household chores while the boys were taken care of by us. That would've helped a lot. Still would but DH doesn't want any strangers in the house.

 

My DH is gone for 14 hours a day 4x a week although he'll be gone for 5x for the next 2 weeks, and he goes to school on Saturday for 8 hours. I'm alone with the kids a lot. It is totally do-able, you just have to have a routine and try to do as much in advance as you can. If you start to feel like you're cracking, invite your sister over to come help. That way there will be no doom in your life.

 

I am a first time mother and it is doable to get everything taken care of by yourself. The only help I have had since we have come home in August is my mother and husband. Basically, my mother lived with us during the week the first three months so my husband could get rest for work. Then we would do it on the weekends by ourselves. IT IS HARD WORK but, it gets easier.

I have learned that I can not be the perfectionist I used to be....the house is not perfect, dinners are not all hand made 3 course meals but, the kids are cared for, loved and played with constantly.

The only help I have now is my mom. My husband teaches 5 minutes away from her so she keeps the boys so I could go back to my teaching job after a 6 month leave.

I have never had a housekeeper, yard person, nanny......I do not think that I would be comfortable with anyone watching the boys other than my mother at this point. I have just become comfortable letting my mother in law watching them for a few hours when they come into town to visit. (She majorly dropped the ball when they were born, but that is another story.)

Just keep up doing what you are. NO ONE can tell you what is best for your children except your spouse. You know what is right.

 

Everyone told me I needed help and there was no way I could do it alone. So, I agreed to a mother's helper. She came three mornings a week for about a month. I was so happy that she quit to go to school because I couldn't stand to have her here but had trouble firing her because she was a nice girl. She didn't do anything the way I do, couldn't handle enough to give me a real break anyways, and I have trust issues with my kids as well. I felt like I was throwing the money out the window. What has been great is a woman we hired to come every other week to clean. She's a lifesaver. Yes, I'm VERY tired and sometimes feel like it's too much, but overall I'm happy I'm doing it myself.

 

My husband works from home and I thought we could handle the twins w/out outside help.

Speaking for myself, I was wrong. As a first time mom, I was completely overwhelmed when we brought Jake home. My whole body ached every day from the sheer physicality of caring for two small babies.

In the scheme of things, we have minimal help - I pay someone for 12-15 hours per week so I can nap, pump and run errands. Also, she does a better job at keeping them quiet and in control so it helps my husband work.

Family has helped here and there, but no one lives here. I had to drive them to PHx to get a week's help from my folks (my mom drove w/us). Also, like another poster said, I accept visits (read: help) from any adults. It's great just to have an extra pair of hands.

Today was the first day I had them all by myself....we are at hour 12 and it's gone pretty well - but no way could I personally do this every day. I just don't have it in me and I admire those of you who do. Also, we have our helper coming tonight to help with the overnight so my husband can sleep for work tomorrow and I'll be fresh to handle the kids since he'll be gone all day tomorrow as well.

Like others said, I would accept help when it's offered if you are comfortable with the person offering. Also, we have our house cleaned every two weeks (by the same lady who cares for the kids). I mean what is the point of *not* having help if it's good help?

Miriam

 

Well, I guess my kiddos are doomed in the mental health department, too. My DH is in the military and has been gone quite frequently since the twins have been born. He's currently away now, and he'll be leaving in May for a year. We have no family around to help. We can't afford to hire any kind of help. I do it all!

If I could get some kind of help, I would want a housekeeper. I wouldn't hire anyone to take care of the kids.

 

Yes, it would be nice to have a nanny or extra help, but let's be honest, how many of us with twins and toddlers can afford that! Don't let her make you feel guilty. You can definitely do it on your own. I had help for the first month (my husband took off 4 weeks) and my mom is available for me when I need her, but I try not to ask her too often. The older they get the easier it gets. I would just work to get them on a schedule. That is the key. If they sleep and eat at the same time every day it makes life soooo much easier and more predictable. It's still a lot of work, but it's manageable. My 3-yr old demands a lot of attention and I just try and come up with activities that he can do while I have to give attention to the babies. Now that its warming up he likes to play in the backyard a lot.

 

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Yes, it would be nice to have a nanny or extra help, but let's be honest, how many of us with twins and toddlers can afford that!


We got lucky on this one. My DH got a raise effective the week the twins came, so we never got used to spending the money on anything else so it doesn't affect us as much to have to buy all the stinking baby crap. You spend what you make, that's for sure!

 

No help here either..I have 5month old twin boys and a 4 year old girl.

It was hard the first few months, but we got our own little routine/schedule going and it's gotten so much better. Sure, some housework doesn't get done and sometimes dinner doesn't get made, but we're fine!

 

No help for me either (ok, MIL usually offers to babysit about once a week). During the day, its me and the babies, and two crazy dogs. Yes, its hard, but I can't imagine doing it any other way. DH helps a lot when he gets home from work, so I guess that helps me re-energize, but for the most part, I'm doing all the work with the babies, keeping house, taking care of the dogs, etc.

And I haven't gone insane...yet.

 

Even the most well meaning family members and friends can really make us doubt ourselves sometimes. Only you know how you are being affected by "doing it all by yourself". Some people need more help than others, and there is nothing wrong with that. But if you feel that you are able to do this (and it is totally doable) without anything more than someone to help with the housekeeping, then you are not going to ruin your children. Like Becky said, if that is the case, we're all in trouble. I do it alone, but only because I am able to organize it and it works for me. I agree with the person who said, that help is a steal and I'd get them to come a little more often and handle a few dinners and things like that so I had more time with my kids. We all do what works for our family. And if your sister or anyone else for that matter continues to make you feel bad about it, you need to nip that quickly and nicely in the bud by saying "thank you for advice, but that isn't what I want or need right now. Let's talk about something else." You are doing an awesome job. It is so hard, but so worth it. Get more help if you need it, but otherwise relax and enjoy knowing you are raising healthy (physically and mentally) happy kids.

 

It's definately doable. DH and I have done it alone since the twins were about 2 weeks old. However, it is a lot of work and can also be very hard on the marriage. I think the lack of sleep in the beginning can literally drive you crazy. I am not one to have people in my house that aren't family. I just feel uncomfortable.

A woman at my local Mothers of Multiple's club has a night nurse come in a couple nights a week so she and her DH can get a couple of full night's sleep. If I had it to do over, I might have done that.

Good Luck to you.

Carey