Anyone miscarry one twin, other twin survived?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, but not sure where to mention it. My oldest DD (3 1/2) is/was a twin, but I miscarried the other twin around 11 weeks. Both babies did have a h/b. I didn't think about it a lot in the beginning, I guess I was just so thankful one baby survived because I had already had 2 previous m/c. Anyway, I think about it a lot now that I have another set of twins. Plus I think they are ID and wonder if my oldest DD's twin was ID also. Twins absolutely do not run in my family and I only used clomid with the 1st set.

The twins are so awesome and I love watching them interact. Everyone stops to look at them and ask questions. Now I feel bad for my oldest that she didn't get to experience this also. Do I ever tell her or will it make her feel like she lost something? Of course I think she is too young right now, but later on - teenager, adult or never. Just wondering how other people handle this.

Sorry if I posted this in the wrong spot!

 

First of all, I want to say how terribly sorry I am for your loss. It must have been devestating. There is a forum for this where you might be able to find the kind of support that you really need from people who have been through this kind of loss as well. It's the Parental Grief forum. I think you will find it to be what you really need and to get suggestions from people who have dealt with this type of a situation (to tell or not to tell your dd and how and when)

 

Oh that is tough. First off, I am so sorry that you have had to suffer through this. Not only once, but twice ... with these old feelings resurfacing now. I THINK, if it were me (if I were your 3 1/2 year old) when YOU (as my Mom) felt like I was ready ... teenager or adult ... I would want you to tell me this. I think it would help your other daughter feel special, too. This is tough though and I would just use your judgement when the time came (or never came ... if that is to be the case) and decide if your daughter would benefit from this information or if it would make her sad.

Again, I can't imagine how you feel ... I can't imagine not having one of my perfect ID girls.

 

Going through losses is so incredibly hard. I'm very sorry for your losses. Since you used clomid, most likely those twins were/are fraternal (although not necessarily)...maybe someone can correct me if I'm wrong. I was just thinking you're way more likely to release two eggs that way. But there's really just no way of knowing.

I think at some point your daughter will want to know about her twin. I sure would. I think these kind of losses have happened far more than people realize (loss of a twin early on), but now people know about it more because of ultrasounds. Regardless, you DO know and that's an important part of your family's "story." With my first miscarriage, I was only about 6 weeks along. "Way back when" I might have just thought I was a bit late and had a heavy period, but we can find out so quickly now that we're pregnant. So I know there was a baby there, and I plan to tell my daughters even about that sibling. Do you plan to tell your kids about your other miscarriages? I know a twin is different in a lot of ways, but they just happen to be a sibling who would have been born at the same time. I already talk to my three year old about her sisters in Heaven (I lost them at 23 weeks, so I know that's a bit different).

Hope I've made some kind of sense. :hug99:

There is also a "Life After Loss" forum...

 

At the time of my first 2 m/c's, I was a mess. I never thought I was going to be a mother and went through major depression. However, looking back I'm not sure how I feel about those pgs because a baby never developed, the sac was empty both times. With my first twin pg, both babies had h/b's so it was definitely a baby and I feel more of a loss of that baby. Hope that makes sense. I'm pass the grief part since it was so long ago, but I do think about it a lot because of the twins now.

Again, I'm so sorry for posting this here if it upsets anyone. I didn't realize about the grief board.

 

I can say that i would want to know... if it was me... Sorry for your loss, i can not imaging it at all...

 

This is a very personal choice, which only you can make. I am the "surviving twin". I found out when I was about 7-8 because a relative said something about it. My mom then told me I had a twins who didn't survive. I didn't really comprehend anything. My mom and I talked about it off and on after that.I would approach her. I wish she had had the chance to tell me but I have a very stupid aunt. I am glad I know because I now have twins. It was only with their birth I began to mourn my mother's loss. You are very strong. As for my feeling of loss, I would sometimes wonder what it may have been like but it wasn't profound. As a mother of twins, I admire your strength for being able to share.

 

I originally had 3 and lost one early on. I was very sad when I found out. I am not sure I mourned as I was so excited I had 2 strong thriving babies inside me.

Now I wonder if it was a boy or a girl and who they would have been! I feel worse now that I see my little ones growing up. I think we will tell them when they are older!