Anyone having problems feeling connected to your husband?

I am having problems connecting with my husband. I find myself resenting him sometimes. Being pregnant is a huge responsibility and we have to care for our growing babies and give up so many harmful and unhealthy things. My husband on the other hand does not. He is able to continue to drink his beer, eat whatever, do whatever and not having to worry about anything. I feel like I am growing resentful of him and don't want to. It may be the hormones but seeing him drink a 6 pack of beer on a friday night is really starting to tick me off....along with having this huge tummy and him not gaining a pound! He told me the other day when I was getting dressed infront of him, "I hope you can get back to your size 4 that you were before"....that was five years ago before I had my son he is four now and I still have some baby weight hanging around that didn't want to leave....I wish I could get back down that small but why did he have to bring that up?? It made me think he was beginning to find me disgusting. HELLO I am pregnant with double this time around!

Back story, my husband works as a project manager in construction out of town and he is only home on the weekends. he has been out of town since last october. When he is home all he does is play his Playstation 3 or watch some sports game on tv. He will be home in a month working on a job close to home that will last through to the end of winter atleast. I can't wait and I am so happy he will be here for when the babies come. Through the week he lives out of a hotel and is able to do whatever.

He says he is scared of coming home and having to adjust to not having quiet and playing his game all the time. I feel like he has nothing to do with me sometimes. Yeah he talks to my stomach and all but he is always off doing his own thing watching tv or playing his games.

Any advice on how not to resent him for being able to still do things that I am not able to do? How do I reconnect....It hasn't always been this way, just for the last three months. I want him to be able to enjoy the things he loves to do, soon he wont have that luxury with two newborns. How do I make my self see the big picture differently? Sometimes I just want to beable to hug and cuddle with him and feel bad when he doesn't! I cant even get him to rub my back when it is hurting!

Are any of u feeling this way?

Thanks ladies.

 

I can tell you, I’m dealing with the “Having a baby and being pregnant CAN’T be that bad!" Or "Try going through Iraq." I think some men, really have no idea how much truly goes into being pregnant, and especially with 2!

One thing I can say in my hubby’s defense, he did stop smoking and drinking, with me, so we would be going through that together. Once and awhile as a treat to him, I crack him a beer. As for his PS2 playing, I have found that is the perfect time for me to shop online or be on here. We always make sure our son comes first.

QUOTE
"I hope you can get back to your size 4 that you were before"....that was five years ago before I had my son he is four now and I still have some baby weight hanging around that didn't want to leave....


He is lucky he isn’t my husband, he would have had a black eye to wear to work! haha... Honestly, if he can’t love you, for you despite the few pounds from carrying HIS children, then he is a turd!!! Trust me, I was one of the unfortunate ladies, who struggled and struggled. I finally lost it all and then some, and POOF pregnant with TWINS! I’m sure you are absolutely beautiful, any woman, who gives up her body to bring another person into this world is beautiful, despite his terrible remarks.

QUOTE
How do I make my self see the big picture differently?


I think you see the big picture just fine, he needs some glasses!

:hug99: I hope things get better.

 

Did you try talking to him about your hurt feelings and jealousy (i.e. resentment in him being able to do things) in a non-accusatory manner? I don't know your situation, if you have or not. If you haven't, I think that would be the first step. If you two aren't talking about it you are likely to get more resentful. Have you asked him what is going on with him? Is he stressed about the pregnancy, about not being able to be at home most of the time? Is something else upsetting him (reason I ask is you mentioned him not wanting to rub your back, etc., and him being scared about not having his games...).

I know personally pregnancy hormones are making me wacky as hell so I feel outraged/slighted over/have a complete temper tantrum over something the next day I feel foolish for. I've also been known to greatly mis-read things into my husband's actions that just weren't there, especially now. I don't know if you're experiencing some of that too... I am not saying your feelings and what is going on isn't real, just if you are experiencing what I am it might be something to consider... and try to analyze what is going on when you aren't upset about it (that is usually the only way I can get perspective for myself)

It must be very difficult on your family to have to have him work out of town, even without you being pregnant! That would be a huge, HUGE stress for me.

So, sorry for the rambling- if you have tried talking to him already and it didn't go well, you may want to try to find someone (a family therapist intern, etc.) who you can talk to about communication and relationships and reactions on your end of things (for you, not 'couples counseling'). I.e. someone who can help you interact with your husband in a way that is beneficial to you both. Yes, I know every relationship is a 2-way thing, but considering the distance (him not being home) and you feeling disconnected, etc., even someone giving suggestions from one side on how to open up communiations and connections can do wonders!

 

QUOTE(hardinfamtwins @ Aug 19 2008, 01:35 PM) [snapback]937321[/snapback]
I can tell you, I’m dealing with the “Having a baby and being pregnant CAN’T be that bad!" Or "Try going through Iraq." I think some men, really have no idea how much truly goes into being pregnant, and especially with 2!

One thing I can say in my hubby’s defense, he did stop smoking and drinking, with me, so we would be going through that together. Once and awhile as a treat to him, I crack him a beer. As for his PS2 playing, I have found that is the perfect time for me to shop online or be on here. We always make sure our son comes first.
He is lucky he isn’t my husband, he would have had a black eye to wear to work! haha... Honestly, if he can’t love you, for you despite the few pounds from carrying HIS children, then he is a turd!!! Trust me, I was one of the unfortunate ladies, who struggled and struggled. I finally lost it all and then some, and POOF pregnant with TWINS! I’m sure you are absolutely beautiful, any woman, who gives up her body to bring another person into this world is beautiful, despite his terrible remarks.
I think you see the big picture just fine, he needs some glasses!

:hug99: I hope things get better.



Thanks so much for your reply....They truly will never know the tremedous journey we go through. I am happy that the both of you quit together. I wish my husband would quit something, LOL. He has tried to quit smoking many times, and I understand it has to be really hard to do, but has always gone back. Now his is up to smoking two packs a day and says it is due to stress and wants to quit, but I don't see him trying. The drinking is only on the weekend and he never gets drunk so I guess I should calm down a bit about that.

He says he understands that the weight gain is cuz I am pregnant, he just shouldn't have added the prebaby figure to it. I feel bad enough! Ofcourse I hope to get back down to the prebabies weight and then back to what I was before my four yr old. Right now it just isn't a huge priority on my mind. But it makes me think it may be one of his!

 

QUOTE(desolation_anonymous @ Aug 19 2008, 01:55 PM) [snapback]937353[/snapback]
Did you try talking to him about your hurt feelings and jealousy (i.e. resentment in him being able to do things) in a non-accusatory manner? I don't know your situation, if you have or not. If you haven't, I think that would be the first step. If you two aren't talking about it you are likely to get more resentful. Have you asked him what is going on with him? Is he stressed about the pregnancy, about not being able to be at home most of the time? Is something else upsetting him (reason I ask is you mentioned him not wanting to rub your back, etc., and him being scared about not having his games...).

I know personally pregnancy hormones are making me wacky as hell so I feel outraged/slighted over/have a complete temper tantrum over something the next day I feel foolish for. I've also been known to greatly mis-read things into my husband's actions that just weren't there, especially now. I don't know if you're experiencing some of that too... I am not saying your feelings and what is going on isn't real, just if you are experiencing what I am it might be something to consider... and try to analyze what is going on when you aren't upset about it (that is usually the only way I can get perspective for myself)

It must be very difficult on your family to have to have him work out of town, even without you being pregnant! That would be a huge, HUGE stress for me.

So, sorry for the rambling- if you have tried talking to him already and it didn't go well, you may want to try to find someone (a family therapist intern, etc.) who you can talk to about communication and relationships and reactions on your end of things (for you, not 'couples counseling'). I.e. someone who can help you interact with your husband in a way that is beneficial to you both. Yes, I know every relationship is a 2-way thing, but considering the distance (him not being home) and you feeling disconnected, etc., even someone giving suggestions from one side on how to open up communiations and connections can do wonders!



Yeah I have tried talking to him, he just sees it as something a pregnant women has to do, not the man. I think he is just being selfish. He says he doesn't want to rub my back cuz it wont make it feel better and it will come back later or he is too busy with his gaming. What he doesn't seem to understand is that it will make it feel better....he is gone all week it would be nice to have him home pampering me abit.

It is hard with him working away and that is why I am so excited to have him home soon. And as far as when he is home, I feel like I am following him around like a love sick puppy dog or something just craving for the attention I long for through the week and he says it feels like I am "smothering" him. I think he is scared of being home soon because he has gotten into his own little routine of eating, playing his videogame, watching tv being able to do whatever without someone else there. He enjoys his quit and for me while he is gone I am a total mess missing him, crying, all the normal hormonal rollercoaster things...

I agree with you about the mood changes you are having, I am experiencing them too! Today I got onto him about using his debit card to spend $20 bucks, I don't know why I did it....afterwards I felt horrible about it cuz he said I was treating him like my son and not my husband, which I agree I did...I feel childish sometimes after I do thinks like that but I think he understands it is hormones and will subside hopefully soon after the babies are born! With my son the stuck around for about a month.

 

First of all, big :hug99: to you!!
It was so ROUGH during pregnancy to relate/communicate with my DH...he didn't seem to understand what I was going through & would get mad when I would complain about the same things over & over (which was every day, but still.....). He also started working out when I was pregnant which bothered me SO bad. He just kept loosing weight as I gained & I felt awful about my ever-changing body.
Things DID get better as time went on & we realized what a big adjustment the pregnancy was for us ~ we started getting REALLY excited in the last month and got along great.
Give it some time & make sure to keep the lines of communication open :hug99:

 

I can relate to you a lot. My husband, for most of the pregnancy, worked out of town. He just recently got a job close to home and has been home every night for about 3 weeks now. It was kinda bad at first I think him being out of town had a lot to do with it. Things have been great since he has been home every night. I think when how hard it is for you is not put in the man's face all the time it is even harder for them to understand what you are going through out of sight out of mind. My DH has not quit smoking or drinking since I have been pregnant and it does suck I get so mad, but I just have to remind myself it is pure jealousy because he had to give up nothing and still gets babies LOL TO give you hope I know since he has been home and experiences first hand how hard it is for me he does rub my back now and is 110% more understanding. So I hope it gets better for you!! If not, you wont be pregnant forever!!

 

I’m of two minds here…

On the one hand we expectant fathers should be taking care of our wives… taking up more of the cooking and cleaning and such, and that includes putting down the video games helping make wife comfortable. Running to the store to fill some food craving, fetching things from the other room, rubbing feet, whatever.

In the other hand… and I’m not speaking for everyone, just from my own perspective. We can feel a bit disconnected to! We don’t get to share in the experience (good and bad) of being pregnant. We don’t get to feel the babies squiggling around. And quite frankly, we don’t get a lot of support during the pregnancy… we DO stress about it, worry about the health of babies and mom, and endlessly wonder about the life altering changes about to occur. So how we deal with a pregnancy is going to be a lot different than how our wives do and it’s not exactly fair to act resentful of the fact we aren’t the ones carrying the babies and it impacts us differently than it impacts you, at least until the babies are born.

A six pack of beer? Seems a bit much to me, after all we need to be ready to drive you to the doctors or emergency room at a moments notice. And the size 4 comment… yeah, he probably should not have said it, but I know I’ve made a few stupid comments, usually because I thought I was being cute or funny. It happens, and he probably didn’t intend to upset you.

 

QUOTE(Lorem Ipsum @ Aug 19 2008, 09:13 PM) [snapback]937531[/snapback]
I’m of two minds here…

On the one hand we expectant fathers should be taking care of our wives… taking up more of the cooking and cleaning and such, and that includes putting down the video games helping make wife comfortable. Running to the store to fill some food craving, fetching things from the other room, rubbing feet, whatever.

In the other hand… and I’m not speaking for everyone, just from my own perspective. We can feel a bit disconnected to! We don’t get to share in the experience (good and bad) of being pregnant. We don’t get to feel the babies squiggling around. And quite frankly, we don’t get a lot of support during the pregnancy… we DO stress about it, worry about the health of babies and mom, and endlessly wonder about the life altering changes about to occur. So how we deal with a pregnancy is going to be a lot different than how our wives do and it’s not exactly fair to act resentful of the fact we aren’t the ones carrying the babies and it impacts us differently than it impacts you, at least until the babies are born.


You know, I think this is a really fair point, but I'm spoiled. I have One of Those Husbands. He tells me everyday that I'm beautiful and how much he appreciates me "going through" this so that we can have children together. He is a man's man though, and a stand up comedian, so he makes some really jack-*** remarks sometimes thinking he's funny. And believe you me, he hears about it!

I'm a video game player myself, and I can promise you it's escapism for him. Hell, I play Warcraft just to stop thinking about how nauseous I feel! Oh believe me, I'm not making excuses, as it sounds like he's being a real butt head, but you know, honestly he's probably terrified too. The number of people he has to provide for is increasing by TWO at once, and he probably scared witless about money right now. Alot of things change for guys when we get pregnant. Our moods, our sex drives, our priorities. It's alot for them to absorb as well, and we do need to try to involve them as much as possible, both during pregnancy and after the birth.

Get a sitter, fix a nice dinner, sit him down, and tell him very, VERY sweetly how you feel. Agree on an amount of time each say that you BOTH think is fair for him to play his games. But the rest of the day is yours. Tell him you think 6 beers a night is excessive, and agree that one or two is ok. INSIST on relaxation time for yourself where he takes care of your son as he has his weeknights to do whatever he wishes. He needs to step up to the plate and engage the four year old and parent him as well as provide for him financially. If he won't do it, leave him to do it. Just tell him you're going shopping or whatver, and get in the car and go, and leave him there with your son. He'll cope if he has to. Really. He will.

 

QUOTE(Neumsy @ Aug 19 2008, 05:34 PM) [snapback]937757[/snapback]
Get a sitter, fix a nice dinner, sit him down, and tell him very, VERY sweetly how you feel. Agree on an amount of time each say that you BOTH think is fair for him to play his games. But the rest of the day is yours. Tell him you think 6 beers a night is excessive, and agree that one or two is ok. INSIST on relaxation time for yourself where he takes care of your son as he has his weeknights to do whatever he wishes. He needs to step up to the plate and engage the four year old and parent him as well as provide for him financially. If he won't do it, leave him to do it. Just tell him you're going shopping or whatver, and get in the car and go, and leave him there with your son. He'll cope if he has to. Really. He will.



Smart lady!! :clapping:

I feel your pain Korey's Mommy. My husbands friends are pressuring him to get out and have a last hurrah, for the next 4 MONTHS telling him that he'll never see the light of day again once we add 2 to 2.

 

QUOTE(firsttimetwinzymommy @ Aug 19 2008, 03:01 PM) [snapback]937498[/snapback]
I can relate to you a lot. My husband, for most of the pregnancy, worked out of town. He just recently got a job close to home and has been home every night for about 3 weeks now. It was kinda bad at first I think him being out of town had a lot to do with it. Things have been great since he has been home every night. I think when how hard it is for you is not put in the man's face all the time it is even harder for them to understand what you are going through out of sight out of mind. My DH has not quit smoking or drinking since I have been pregnant and it does suck I get so mad, but I just have to remind myself it is pure jealousy because he had to give up nothing and still gets babies LOL TO give you hope I know since he has been home and experiences first hand how hard it is for me he does rub my back now and is 110% more understanding. So I hope it gets better for you!! If not, you wont be pregnant forever!!




I am so glad u can relate. Glad ur hubby is able to be home you now! How did u adjust and what are ur nights like? My husband says there is never anything to do at home besides watch tv. Which I find funny because that is all he does when he is gone too!!

 

QUOTE(Lorem Ipsum @ Aug 19 2008, 03:13 PM) [snapback]937531[/snapback]
I’m of two minds here…

On the one hand we expectant fathers should be taking care of our wives… taking up more of the cooking and cleaning and such, and that includes putting down the video games helping make wife comfortable. Running to the store to fill some food craving, fetching things from the other room, rubbing feet, whatever.

In the other hand… and I’m not speaking for everyone, just from my own perspective. We can feel a bit disconnected to! We don’t get to share in the experience (good and bad) of being pregnant. We don’t get to feel the babies squiggling around. And quite frankly, we don’t get a lot of support during the pregnancy… we DO stress about it, worry about the health of babies and mom, and endlessly wonder about the life altering changes about to occur. So how we deal with a pregnancy is going to be a lot different than how our wives do and it’s not exactly fair to act resentful of the fact we aren’t the ones carrying the babies and it impacts us differently than it impacts you, at least until the babies are born.

A six pack of beer? Seems a bit much to me, after all we need to be ready to drive you to the doctors or emergency room at a moments notice. And the size 4 comment… yeah, he probably should not have said it, but I know I’ve made a few stupid comments, usually because I thought I was being cute or funny. It happens, and he probably didn’t intend to upset you.


Thank you so much for your input. It was great to hear from a guys point of view. I guess I haven't really thought about how he is feeling. You have opened my eyes. Especially since my DH isn't much of a talker about how he is feeling.

I don't think he has thought about the beer affecting him if I needed him for an emergency. I will mention it to him, maybe it can help him slow down a bit. But the 6 pack is stretched over the weekend, I meant it as a total.

Thanks so much for your opinion.

 

My husband tries, but doesn't quite get it. He thinks I'm being lazy when I come home after work and crash by 7:30. Well, he doesn't actually say I'm lazy, but he doesn't understand why I'm so tired all the time. He still thinks we should be going to the bar every weekend. Just because I can't drink, doesn't mean he can't. (Never mind the fact that I look like a tank and am walking into a bar!)... He thinks talking to the babies is lame... All he mentions is how he's just so worried I'll get stretch marks (cause I've got control over that...) Oh yeah, and he tells his friends that I've become irrational and psycho... I don't know.. he was the one who wanted to have a baby soooo bad and now that we are I just feel like he doesn't care. Well, in the very least, he just totally doesn't understand.

 

QUOTE(Yusra @ Aug 19 2008, 07:19 PM) [snapback]937905[/snapback]
My husband tries, but doesn't quite get it. He thinks I'm being lazy when I come home after work and crash by 7:30. Well, he doesn't actually say I'm lazy, but he doesn't understand why I'm so tired all the time. He still thinks we should be going to the bar every weekend. Just because I can't drink, doesn't mean he can't. (Never mind the fact that I look like a tank and am walking into a bar!)... He thinks talking to the babies is lame... All he mentions is how he's just so worried I'll get stretch marks (cause I've got control over that...) Oh yeah, and he tells his friends that I've become irrational and psycho... I don't know.. he was the one who wanted to have a baby soooo bad and now that we are I just feel like he doesn't care. Well, in the very least, he just totally doesn't understand.



Gosh girl I feel for you!! My husband goes to the bar without me with his buddies sometimes to go play pool, I used to want to go before I got pregnant but he says I am boring and it is diff with his guy friends. Mine does talk to the babies but tells them their momma is crazy, I know he is joking though, he did the same thing when I was pregnant with our son.

My husband doesn't care about the stretch marks....I don't mean to scare u but they are inevitable sometimes no matter how hard u try to prevent them. I used all the miracle creams, palmers coco butter with shea etc. while pregnant with my son. I had the most pretty preggo tummy....but after I delivered and my tummy went down the stretch marks showed. I call them tire marks. I am already seeing new marks with this pregnancy on my tummy, breasts and "love handle area"

But my husband has made remarks about gaining baby weight again and if I am going to get down to the size 4 I was at 17...LOL. Before I had our son. He is 4 now.

I too have been called pyscho, they don't understand we cant control our hormones right now!! PIGS, J.K.

I feel the same way, my husband wanted another baby, I gave in. Now we are having two. But he is so excited about the twins! Especially since one is a girl!

If you ever need to talk I am totally here for you. We can relate on alot on so many levels.