anyone else have an overprotective dh?

just curious if anyone else has this family dynamic. DH is much more conservative than i am in what he will allow the kids to do, in terms of rough-house play and jumping and running around. as an example, they love to jump off of things right now (like the bottom step of the stairs) and i think it's good physical development but if DH sees it he freaks and tells them to stop.

i really want us to send consistent messages and be on the same page, but up until now i just continue to let them do these things when they are with me and leave it to dh to enforce his rules when he is around (which isn't very often).

any better approaches? anyone else deal with this?

 

Mine is more wary of things like that too. I let mine stand in the tub (to pour water over the soap dish etc.) but I make them sit when they begin to jump, but he will make them sit as soon as they stand (unless they are getting washed).... I just let him do it his way when he's doing it and I do it my way when I am (99% of the time). I don't have an answer for the "bigger" life stuff, sorry. I think consistency is ALWAYS the way to go, but easier said than done, right?

 

It's the opposite here. I am the overprotective one and he lets them do the daredevil stuff. Like he has started letting Bea climb up into the car (SUV) and into her car seat. I hold my breath the whole time. He lets them jump on the couch, get out of the booster seats on their own, stuff like that. I figure since they are around me all the time, this is special stuff they get to do with Daddy. It's probably a little harder since it's the other way with your kids, when Daddy's around, they can't do these things.

 

DH is definitely the overprotective one in our household. He cringes when I let the boys crawl around in the tub or open and close drawers. Maybe I'm a bit overpermissive, but they spend about 95% of their waking hours alone with me, and we do pretty well following my 'rules'. I normally humour dh when he's here so as not to start an argument, but I suppose as they get older we should negotiate between us to come up with some consistent rules.

 

My DH is also overprotective. He doesn't let the kids do anything and gets so mad at me for letting them. We actually argue about it a lot It's really frustrating. I let them take the cushions off the couch and jump, I let my 2yo use the pens to scribble, etc etc. I thought a lot of it had to do with DH's age...he is 52 where I am only 34.

 

My dh is sooooo cautious! I actually counted & he said "be careful" to the girls 42 times in 15 minutes! I am a big fan of consistency - but I think the girls benefit from our different styles. We don't argue about it - we understand that we both are pretty careful about the girls. Most people think I am a total freak about safety & germs - but dh is worse than I am. He would be happy if we never left the house. He shakes his head every time we go to a playgroup or have other children over. He always says 'if they get sick, it's your fault". After never taking them out of the house their first 18 months, I loosened up from 18 mths to 21/2 years & took them a few places. But...we never allowed them contact with groups of kids (playgroup, Kindermusik, Sunday School) until they were over 2 1/2. Now I take them to a weekly playgroup in a park, have one playdate at my house a week & take them to Sunday School. But dh would be horrified if I took them to Chuck E. Cheese - I would be pretty nervous there too. My playgroup always has lunch at McDonald's - I never go.I don't know which would gross me out more, the food or the germs in the play area. See...dh & I make a great couple- a couple of germaphobes that is!

 

I don't think there is a right or wrong on this about what to allow and what not to allow. My guess is there is a middle ground between the two of you. I will tell you this though...this part of your post worries me...BIG TIME!!

"i really want us to send consistent messages and be on the same page, but up until now i just continue to let them do these things when they are with me and leave it to dh to enforce his rules when he is around (which isn't very often)."

This is going to do 2 really bad things. One, is it is going to put your DH in the position of being the "bad guy.", and your kids are going to learn real quickly that they can get away with more with you than with him. They will start doing all kinds of behaviors with you, that they aren't doing with him. In a few months you will be posting about how frustrating it is that when your DH is around the kids act well, and when he isn't you are run ragged with crazy antics. My advice is have a conversation behind closed doors about what is allowed and what isn't, but in the end, for everyone's sanity, if EITHER one of you says no to something, then you have to be really dilligent about enforcing it, all of the time. If not, they are going to run you ragged.

 

Oh, I'm definitely the more cautious, safety conscious parent. But, I really try hard to only over rule DH when I see a real safety issue he might be missing. When it's more a matter of my preference to be a least twice as careful as necessary, I try to bite my tongue and let him do things his way. This was really hard when they were tiny--but I wanted DH to be an active, involved parent and I knew that wouldn't happen if I criticized his every move.

 

QUOTE(Mattsgal @ Jun 10 2007, 11:01 AM) [snapback]286764[/snapback]
I don't think there is a right or wrong on this about what to allow and what not to allow. My guess is there is a middle ground between the two of you. I will tell you this though...this part of your post worries me...BIG TIME!!

"i really want us to send consistent messages and be on the same page, but up until now i just continue to let them do these things when they are with me and leave it to dh to enforce his rules when he is around (which isn't very often)."

This is going to do 2 really bad things. One, is it is going to put your DH in the position of being the "bad guy.", and your kids are going to learn real quickly that they can get away with more with you than with him. They will start doing all kinds of behaviors with you, that they aren't doing with him. In a few months you will be posting about how frustrating it is that when your DH is around the kids act well, and when he isn't you are run ragged with crazy antics. My advice is have a conversation behind closed doors about what is allowed and what isn't, but in the end, for everyone's sanity, if EITHER one of you says no to something, then you have to be really dilligent about enforcing it, all of the time. If not, they are going to run you ragged.


I think you might have over interpreted my post. I am only talking about things like I explained - jumping or running. I'm perfectly happy with my kids behavior and they mind both of us very well. In terms of behavior, we are very consistent (no hitting, no pushing, say please, thank you, no means no, etc.). I'm not at all worried about their behavior, just curious how others dealt with different levels of conservatism. Another example - DH would never let them go to a public pool, where as I would.

Anyway - good to hear that I'm not alone and that it seems to work it's way out.

 

Yep, dh and I have the same dynamic. I let them roam a bit and he's constantly on them. My take is they learn from their falls, and I don't let them get into really dangerous positions, but I don't want them to be afraid of everything. So I let them go, within limits.

 

I don't know if it is a safety thing in our house, but more of a protection of the house. The boys fall and get bruised/bumped very often and we both know that comes with the territory. Where we run into disaggreements is over things that could potentially break something or ruin something in the house. I am much more permissive of things whereas dh tries to set rules when he is home. I often find myself telling him that if I enforced something he just said, I would be saying no all day long. I think it is very easy for him to set these grand, sweeping rules for the 1-2 hours he is with them in the evening, but it is much more difficult to enforce them all day long. Luckily, he is usually pretty understanding once we discuss it.

 

npoe. not alone, DH is the 'resident fun-hater' in my house too! LOL!

He tells them not to run {even outisde} because God forbid someone actually scrape a knee and all thngs similar to this.

I think kids should be kids and scraped knees aren't going to kill anyone or land us in an ER, but it MAY actually teach them not to run on the cement or whatever.

:sigh: wish I had good advice