Anyone else ever feel like they are not cut out for this?

Sometimes I feel like I am not cut out to be a SAHM of twins. It is SOOO hard some days. My boys are 27 months old, and try to kill each other on a daily basis. I have always worked outside the home and miss it. I miss adult conversation, I miss "me time", and not to sound shallow, but I miss the extra money. I know logically that staying home is the best thing for us (daycare in our area would be about $1,000 a month!) and I do enjoy my boys. But sometimes I miss me. Not mommy me, or wife me, or cook/maid/chauffer/handyman me. But ME. The me who planned outfits for work, and wore heels, and had lunch with friends. Of course, add to that the fact that we moved to the country for a better school system, we are potty training and the boys are sick, so I am pretty much trapped at home. I feel isolated and lonely. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way. Any one else feel this way? Any tips on how to cope with these feelings? Raising twins is the hardest, most frustrating, but most rewarding thing I have ever done.

 

Oh yes... I know exactly what you mean. I stayed at home for almost a year with my girls and loved every minute of it, but hated it too. I missed me. I missed my job. I missed having time to myself. So, I went back to work and pay a ton for full day preschool. But it was worth it to save my sanity.

Hugs to you. You've got a lot going on right now and hopefully that overwhelmed feeling goes away once you're doing with potty training and everyone's healthy again.

 

I really did feel that way. I've decided to go back to school and it's helped so much. Daycare is crazy expensive here too (I am paying $850/month right now) but with the help of student loans it's doable for now. I love that I get time away to study and go to class and I feel like the challenge is good for me. And I really appreciate it a lot more than when I got my first degree.

I loved being a SAHM at first. But it was a little after their first birthday that I really started to wonder if I was cut out for it. I already wanted to go back to school for nursing and thankfully it's all worked out.

Would maybe a part-time job work out for you? I know last semester I used a drop-in style play center since I didn't have many classes. It was a lot cheaper since I didn't need full-time daycare and could be an option if you wanted to work part-time.

 

Wow JVC0625 I feel like your talking about me. I'm feeling like this also :hug: I'm sure we will miss this one day but I'm not there yet :gah:

 

I could not wait to get back to work after having them. I went back to work at 8 weeks. I've been unemployed twice since they were born and I find that when I'm working full time, the little bit of time that I do spend with them is 1000% more enjoyable then when I'm stuck with them all day. Quality, not quantity.

Of course, it helps, that while I spend $1,500 a month on daycare (and I get a sibling discount), knowing that they're in a very caring, loving, educational environment and they love going there. And I love that they're happy there.

Yeah I feel like someone else is raising my kids and I'm a weekend mom, especially when I get home after a 2 hour commute and they're already in bed, but I need time out of the house, away from them, adult stimulation, work, mental work, all of those things.

 

Heck yeah I feel like that all the time. Being a Mom is hard. I had no idea what a ride I was in for.

:hug: You can do this!!

 

I keep telling myself that same thing. I know I will miss them being babies, but I also am ready for them to start school. Then, of course, I feel bad for wishing that time to pass.

 

Thanks. Maybe when the weather warms up and we can go outside and to the beach and stuff it will be easier.

 

:hug: I have never been able to stay home with my girls. But I know that I probably wouldn't enjoy it as much as I would like to believe. Is there anytime that you can focus on things you enjoy??

 

I feel like I could have written your post, especially over the past couple of weeks. If it was not for the cost daycare, I'd be back to work faster then I could say back to work. Day care around is expensive and any jobs I could get would just cover daycare but not help with bills, so until something with more pay turns up, here I am. I am fortunate that my BF is also a SAHM and I talk to her daily and our kids do playdates together. Plus I joined a Moms group on Meetup.com and I think that is going to help.
Sometimes it is very easy for yourself to get lost in all the duties of being a mother, some days I am just too tired to be me!
:hug: You are not alone!

 

I have a feeling we all feel like this at one time or another! Each night I write down some good moments from the day and what Im thankful for, it helps keep me focused on the positive!

Also, I plan a girls night, or weekend afternoon, each month. We put the next one on the calendar while we are out. Other ideas are to look into adult education classes at your local high school. They are usually in the evenings and can be cooking, dancing, photography, etc. A book club at your local library would get you some adult time as well. Do you like to work out? Maybe a gym with a daycare option.

Lastly, I find the more I plan with the kids, the better. Lunch at Ikea is a favorite rainy day stop. Panera is also kid friendly and pretty cheap. Some malls have little play areas that occupy them in winter. I know every story time in a 40 mile radius (including Barnes and Nobles) and find events through local parents clubs. It is awkward joining these clubs in the beginning, but once you make a friend it is worth it!

Hang in there! It can only get better, right ardon:

 

Yes, I feel that way. I love being home with my kids, but the fighting, whining and not listening starts to take a toll on me. There is no way I could go back to work now, I worked when I just had my oldest DD and that was hard, I can't imagine doing it with 3. I find our days are better when we get out of the house for something...anything.


Hang in there, many of us feel the same way. :hug: This is a very tough job.

 

I love staying home with my kids...but good grief-looking at four walls all day does get old-and fast! I was a preschool teacher, and it did not make sense to send the boys to a daycare, so I could work to pay for said daycare.

I find that being cooped up in the house all winter makes it soooo much harder! The TV is always on...the fighting, the yelling, the crying, the whining... I may rather listen to nails on a chalkboard!

You do need YOU time-so if it's a part time job, or one or two(or more!) nights out a week-go for it!

It's a wonderful job to have, but it's the hardest job there is....and nothing can prepare you for it! :grouphug:

 

There are days I think God wanted me to be infertile, so now he is punishing me for my fertility treatments! I love my children more than anything and would gladly give my life for theirs, but like you I miss the interactions with other adults. I want to discuss politics, and current events, not just potty training and Gymboree sales. I listen to these women around me who talk about being a SAHM like it is the greatest job ever, and I don't get it. I want more than that. It is fine for them, if they love it more power to them, but it is not for me. I need more and I thrive as a parent when I have it. I also hate how judged I feel when I say I miss work or I am going back to work...it really tears at my heart and makes me second guess my decisions and sanity. I mean if I REALLY loved my kids wouldn't I be okay with staying at home with them? That is what some of the judgment implies and it is really hard to just let it go.
I stayed home the first two years with my kids and then went back to work. I loved my job and yes daycare was $992 a month but I still brought home some money. I felt like I contributed towards our finances and it gave me more of a say in things. My husband does not care what I spend either way, but I need that sense of contribution for myself. This year we are only here for a year and we decided I would focus on my Ed S degree. I love taking classes but doing it online I don't always get the engaging interaction that you would in a classroom. Plus DH is in classes as SU and I'm a little jealous sometimes of his daily conversations and interactions with others in the real world. I am not starting the job search for when we move and a part of me feels like the worst mother ever for wanting to go back to work, but then I realize it doesn't make me a bad mother if I work. I sets a good example for my daughter that you need to do something for yourself and you can still be a loving parent.

 

I VERY often feel like I'm not cut out for this! I'm a SAHM, chose to do it that way, and am at peace with that choice, and I do a pretty good job, but still feel like I'm not cut out for it.

You're right, it is very isolating and very lonely, and the adult-self-you gets starved after a while. I heard that the population with the highest incidence of depression is mothers home alone with small children, and it doesn't surprise me in the least. (Maybe something to think about? Is there a chance that you could be a bit depressed on top of all your other problems?)

 

:hug:

To the OP: I'm a WOHM and I still don't feel cut out for the job some days. Nights like last night make me just cry after the girls go to bed. They were at the sitter all day (they love her, she loves them and is great with them), then they come home to me, and are just holy-he!! Defiant and whiney and hungry and tired and needy, etc etc etc. I yelled at them last night because they were running around like lunatics as I was trying to get them into the shower. Then the were whining and fighting in the shower over holding the soap. I cut shower time short, which ended up in a bunch more whining and crying. And then I lost it and actually yelled "JUST SHUT UP!" Then we all took a time out I apologized afterwards. I've never said shut up to them. Oh the guilt of not being with them and then when I am with them, I'm yelling. Parenting is hard. :hug:

 

I have to say I admire all of you who wrote such nice responses. I can relate to all of you and it was awesome reading some like-minded feelings and to know that you are not alone. :hug:

 

I started as a FT work from home mom, and when they were almost 3 I switched to working partly in an office and partly at home. With some necessary travel thrown in there too. While I would love to not have to work or just work part time, I am also fully aware there is no way I could be home all day every day with the kiddos. We'd all go crazy! To stop working we'd have to be able to afford some preschool for them too. To all the SAHM's who do it, my hats off to you. I don't think I'm cut out for it either!

Can you afford maybe a mother's helper a couple mornings or afternoons a week to give you a break? Or maybe send them to a mother's day out program or very part-time daycare? I switched my DD's from a full-time nanny here while I worked to PT daycare/PT nanny when they were almost 2. Mostly so they got out of the house and socialized more with other kids their age. That was a great age to get them started in a more organized preschool/daycare environment.

 

I agree, it is very nice knowing I am not alone in my feelings.

 

I would look into a mommies group in your area. Thats what I did when my boys were about 6 months old and I was going crazy. We are still in it and I have made some really great friends. Not to mention that they help me out ALOT with my boys when I'm out in public!
I also got a job working per diem in the evenings for people with MR (they call me when they need me, I can say yes or no if I want) and work a few shifts a week. Its great for getting out of the house and the little extra $$$!
Good luck, summer is coming so getting outside to paly may help out alot too =)

 

Thanks to everyone for your answers. I feel so much better knowing I am not the only one who feels that way. I recently joined the gym, but the boys have been sick and have only been a few times. (First a stomach virus, then a cold) Hopefully that will help.

 

Oh, man, I miss working so badly!

I always knew I would stay at home when I had kids. But I knew it would be hard. I didn't know it would be THIS hard. I have been at home for almost 4 years now. This year has been VERY hard. I miss feeling important. I miss feeling needed. I miss feeling like people care/respect what I do. I miss getting dressed in business clothes. I miss work lunches. I miss traveling.

I wish I were one of those people who could be happy and fufilled at home. I feel like a failure for not being happier. I'm right there with you!

 

I am a SAHM and my twins are now 25mnths old. Gosh, this is soooo much harder then I ever imagined (and I did think it would be hard). I have put my kids in nursery school 3 morningswk which helps a little bit. But I still feel many days like I am not cut out for this, and I do miss going to work. But, I keep telling myself that it will get better eventually, and maybe eventually I will enjoy being a SAHM most of the time (instead of some of the time, which is the present situation).
I have joined a music class with the kids and try to get out of the house everyday - which really does help in general, but doesn't help with the adult interaction thing. So, I feel for you, and I understand.

 

I too put mine into daycare the one twin gets two days and the other twin gets only one day a week. PLus the odd extra day here and there. I put them in when I had my third child plus it helps me get the one twin to doctor appts. I go squirrly sometimes. Now it is even busier and I so often just want to be alone for a few hours. In a shower or read a book. I need to just zone out once in awhile just to be ALONE. That one daycare day where I only have one child is so nice. One day I was so overwhelmed I put them all in daycare and never told my dh and just had a ME day. It was great.

I am really starting to feel like I need to go back to work because I hate how often I feel like my dh doesn't see me as quite an equal since I'm not working. I've seen that with friends of mine and noticed how their dh changed when they were SAHM. I've very vocal and stand my ground but I still don't feel like I'm seen as an equal like when I was working and had my own money.

I miss adult conversations and mental challenges. It really seems like it is 24 hours a day job not just the nice 8 hour or 12 hour job.

Heather

 

I completely feel the same way! I did go back to work when my girls were 3 months old. It lasted for 2 months and I couldn't do it. They were so little and it was so hard to leave them every day. So, I became a SAHM. It is absolutely the hardest thing I've ever done. Recently I've noticed that I'm just bored. I love my girls, but I need adult interaction and something else to think about besides ABC's, counting, reading toddler books, cleaning, housework, etc. So, currently I am looking for a job. I know that it will be hard to leave them every day, but I feel like I will be a better mommy when I am with them. This was true with my son. I went back to work when he was 8 months old. It was hard, but I felt so much happier and enjoyed our time together so much more. I don't really have any advice, but just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

 

I am a SAHM now. It's what both DH & I prefer. It is hard though! I went through a phase where I thought I would go insane from staying at home. I didn't know any other moms that stayed at home (all my friends work)...we never really got out and did anything and it took it's toll on all of us. Finally, I looked into a mom's group through meetup.com. There wasn't one in our area. So, I started one. Now we have 13 moms that get together 2-3x a week. It has completely been a life saver for me. I am finally getting some kind of social interaction again and I am so grateful! We are even starting to do some MNO's...which I am super excited about.

I would definately recommend looking into a SAHM group or playgroup in your area. -OR- look into some kind of Mother's day out program. Even if it was just one morning a week, it would allow you to get a little "me" time.

 

Yep. I come home to my kids saying "Go 'way Mommy" and only wanting Daddy, and we pay, geesh, like $23,000 a year for daycare? But then there are beautiful days where they get along and say please and thank you and we all run through a field of flowers (or is that just a detergent commercial?)

Honestly, it's good and bad on a day to day basis. But when I step back and look at it from a top view, I do think it gets consistently better over time. I hope? Because it makes me cry that my kids won't let me hold them and tell me to go away...

 

I went back to work after the twins were born but we got pregant when they were 1 so when our daughter came I was drafted to stay at home (that's how I feel) she dosent go to school until sept 2012 count down already I love my babies and its fun to be the one who knows and sees everything they do and the 1st time. But I miss the job I did before mon-fri 8-4 now I work part time as a cna I have to work every other weekend so I still get out the house some but it's not the same its more missing the job I had and the person I was then. As for when they fight I sit them on oppisite ends of the couch and tell them if they can't be nice to their twin i will take their twin from them they always say their sorry and give each other a big hug and treat each other better until the next fight lol.

 

I honestly don't know one person who hasn't at least once thought about the days before children and missed them. I know I have. I miss the freedom of coming and going as I pleased, doing whatever I wanted, not having another person to be responsible for. Sleeping during the middle of the day, staying up late on the weekends- knowing I can sleep in the next morning.

Oh yes, some days I feel I miss my old self too much to be happy about my new life as a mom...

then one or both my twins will smile...that's all it takes for those thoughts to go away

I love being with my kids, they are a handful at times but the fun things they do make up for all those rough days. I really cannot imagine what my life would be like without them to come home to everyday.

 

I know she's a controversial personality, and people either love her or hate her, but Dr. Laura Schlessinger wrote an awesome book called "In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms." Whenever I'm having a bad day, I read a page or two, and it definitely helps to remind me why I chose to sacrifice my education and career for my kids. I'd recommend it for all SAHMS.