Any moms who work or military wives?

First if you are SAHM reading this my hat is off to you. I couldn't do it and in no way is my intent to offend anyone. I waited a long time to have children and have a great career because of it. I make a fairly decent wage and it more than covers the cost of daycare and allows us to save for college, etc....I just feel alone in this. I have joined some multiple clubs in my area and I have yet to find another working twin mom. My DH travels during the week so I am working then alone with them Mon-Thurs. Someone else tell me your DH travels or you work. Am I the worst mom on earth for doing this??? My boys are 5.5 months and while they sleep 7pm to 4am almost every night, eat, and sleep until 6:30. I worry they are behind in most else. One rolls over, the over just started. They screech and grin and giggle but show no interest in crawling. I worry every day when I take them to daycare if they get the right attention, love and support. Could I be doing more??? Then I feel sad because at 7:05 I am dead. There are nights I cry because I am so dang tired. They will be 6 months this weekend, how will I handle this as they grow? Is it even possible???

Ok you can stop the pity party music now...thanks for listening.

 

Well, I don't have a wage paying position, but my husband is gone every week for work. (Although he didn't start traveling again till they were 18 mos.) I can't imagine having done it at the early stage you are in right now.

I have a friend who truly is a single mother and she works her 40 and cares for her son alone and she's just exhausted. She came to visit this past week and she really just needed to relax a little. She loves her son more than anything, but it's really intense in these early years. She organized her work schedule to have a shorter work week and 3 day weekends.

I KNOW you can get through this difficult time. (OH...we didn't crawl around here till 9.5 mos.) :hug99:

 

I work, and I am so with you, people are constantly comparing the twins to their kids in the same age range ,I don't feel like mt twins are behind, But I know they could be further along if I had more time to spend with them, I work because I have to, not because I want to. It makes me feel so guilty everyday that i work to come home and only feed them bathe them play with them for a hour then put them to bed. I am so grateful they have each other or otherwise I think they would feel my absence more. The babysitter is good, very good, but i know she only can do but so much... it suck so bad to only really have 48 hours un interupted a week with your twins Mine are 6 months too. SAHM be grateful you are so lucky :bow2:

 

First of all, big hug to you!!!! :hug99:

Hailey just started rolling around 5 months, and Jake took longer. In general I believe boys do. And CRAWLING! Honey, you aren't even close!! DD crawled for the first time on Christmas (she was between 8-9 months) and DS didn't start until like 10 months. Now DD is walking, and DS still refuses to let go. He walks all around, but always holding onto something. Your boys are FINE!

I also work full time. I went back to work part-time when they were 5 months, and full time where they were 8.5 months. They are in daycare, and I LOVE it! They have fun there, make friends, and probably get more attention than I would give if I was home with them!

Mine just moved up to the 12-18 month classroom at daycare, and they gave us a full schedule of what the kids do during the day. And it's crazy!!! It's

9-930am : Breakfast
930-10am: Science
10-1030am: Arts and Crafts
1030am-11am: Outdoor Play
11-12: Music and Movement
etc ...

I just said to my friend (who is a SAHM) yesterday that I would NEVER be doing all that stuff at home with them! And her response was "No, you wouldn't. I'm home with my kids, and I never do all that stuff."

Your are probably in an infant room, so it's not all that structured so early on, but as they get older, there will be a lot more age appropriate stuff going on. And they will make lots of friends and love being there. My boss has twins, and another girl I work with has twins, and every single woman I work with has kids! So you aren't alone!!

Just remember that it's usually SAHM's that have the ability to join the Mother's Groups becaues they ARE home during the day and looking for other mom's and kids to make playdates with etc. I didn't join my mother's of multiples groups exactly for that reason. Everything was geared to during the day during the week, and since I would NEVER be able to make it, I didn't see the point of joining.

Hugs Hugs! You aren't alone! Your boys don't sound behind at all!!
Erica

 

Thanks for these words...I am tearing up a bit at my desk now. Deep down I know its the right choice but its just tougher some days than others. You are absolutely right if I was home I wouldn't be doing science and art, etc... Sometimes it is just nice to know we are not alone in how we feel. I try and talk to Dh but he has his own guilt, I don't need it
"fixed" just a hey its ok.

Thank you!

 

I'm on day 10 of being a "single" mom...I'm a military wife. Most days he is so exhausted when he gets home from work, I still do everything, including cooking him dinner and packing his lunch (more food than you can imagine). My boys sleep a lot and hate tummy time. We are still far from crawling and I'm not pushing it. It will be more work for me! We didn't roll over until about 5 months and it still doesn't happen very often since they hate their tummies. I have a hard time not comparing my boys to others, but am getting better. The boys still do not sleep through the night and I'm dreading doing CIO alone.

Anyway, you're not alone!

 

im right there with you!! i work and go to school, so i always feel guilty that i am not with them as much as i would like to be! but i always make the most of my time with them. My girls just turned 6 mos old, and they roll around, screech, and giggle, and use their hands to push themselves up. neither one gets on all fours yet, or sits up very well. every baby does things on their own time i guess! Im sure your babies are doing great...and so are you!!

 

I grew up an Army brat so the being alone isn't so odd for me, guess thats why I married a consultant. I do want to say THANK YOU for being a military wife. I appreciate the sacrifice you and your family are making.

 

First most kids don't crawl until 8-10 mo, so they aren't behind. Rolling at 5 mo is normal. Don't stress about that. MY DH works 12 hours 5 days a week and has am hour commute each way. So he is gone from 12 noon until 2 am. THen he has to sleep. HE also is a real esatate agent so when he is not working his other job he is selling houses. He is working the next 10 days straight. I feel like a single mom sometimes. He sees the kids maybe an hour a day except for Sundays. It is hard. I am luck to SAH but it is hard. I coudn't imagine working ontop of that. Hats off to you.I think it getts easier as they get older beccause they can interact more and play more so it is mroe fun and not such a drain on you. Keep up the good work.

 

I work FT too, and have since my girls were 8 weeks old. I just never wanted to be a SAHM. They are in daycare and they love it, and ditto what others have said about all the great stuff they do there!

But having DH out of town a lot is hard. Mine didn't travel at all during the girls' first year, and since then he has only traveled every few months for a few days. It's still exhausting! In a way it's probably easier that you WOH (at least I always thought of it this way) because at least you are getting some adult interaction during the day, since you are alone with the babies as soon as you get home.

I also had the same frustration with the twins' club. Almost all their activities are during the work day, and the same goes for things like Gymboree (totally closed on Sat/Sun :umm: ), Mommy & Me music classes, etc. I can understand that their biggest market is SAHMs who are looking for enrichment stuff to do with their kids, and also that SAHMs have more of a need to get out of the house and meet other moms. But it is frustrating. I've had much better success making "mom friends" among DH's colleagues who are also all WOHMs.

Last thing -- it does get easier. I found 6 months to be a real turning point. Your kids are not behind at all, but it will help a lot when they can sit up by themselves (which was around 6 months for both of mine). They can entertain themselves with toys a lot better, and they really enjoy looking around. You can encourage this by using a Bumbo seat if you have one, or propping them up with a boppy.

Hang in there -- you're doing great! :hug99:

 

I do know how you feel-I see my kids for about an hour in the morning and then about 3 hours a night-and some evenings are so hectic that I just feel like the time spent with them is not quality-but we have to make the best of the situation we are in and by me working I am providing them with excellent health care and also a sane mommy
Please keep in mind that regardless of kids that stay home or go to daycare they develop at their own pace...my singleton rolled over at 5.5months and my 3month old dd rolls already and my 3mo ds isnt even close to even trying to roll-all three are in daycare.
My 3yo is a very happy, and smart! She has been in daycare since she was 8weeks old and has so much fun and has made lots of friends and gotten to experience thing that she wouldnt otherwise-there are so many pros to sending your child to daycare (as well as cons) but the same is to be said about staying home as well.
Kids adapt and evolve just fine either way!!!
You are a great mom and I do want to say thanks for what your hubby does to protect our country!!!!

 

You are NOT ALONE!!! I too waited a long time and tried a long time to have my babies and in that time I developed a great career that I love. I couldn't imagine my life without my career. It makes me a better mom to be intellectually engaged in my profession and participating on a higher level. Now that is just ME. I have so much respect for the SAHMs because I just don't know if I have it in me to be a mom FT.

I went back to work when they were 3 months old and we put them in a daycare that was my second choice bc we were still on the wait list of first choice. It was a LONG six weeks going to that daycare. But then our spots opened up and we got in where I wanted them to be and it is so much better!!!! They love it there and they love their caregivers - I can tell!! I swear by Sunday they are bored with DH and me and need that stimulation on Monday!

I know it is hard not to compare your babies to others, but all babies do things on their own timeline. I worry that mine aren't doing this or that, but only because they were preemies, not bc of daycare. They taught DS to hold his bottle at daycare! They are helping them learn to situp and even teach me things to do with them that I would have never known!

I recommend having an open dialogue with their caregivers about what they are teaching them and what they expect them to learn, etc. It is so nice to be on the same page and be working as a team!

Don't be hard on yourself for doing what is right for you and your family. You are doing an awesome job!!!

 

just wanted to let you know you're not alone with how you feel, I don't get paid for what I do but I'm a SAHM to 3 mth old twins and a 3 yr old DD. I've been a "single mom" since end of Feb when DH left for training. I've been a military wife for the past 10 yrs, DH just got out of the air force in Feb and started his new job with the Gov. (State Dept). He lives out of state during the week and drives 3 hrs home every weekend to be with me and the kids. I made the tough and guilty decision to put my oldest into daycare during the day because I was going out of my mind trying to care for infant twins and entertain a toddler. She's learning so much at daycare, it's helping with her speech delay so I know I made the right decision. I can't tell you how much I look forward to friday's because that means daddy is home It's tough taking care of all the kids alone, keeping the house in order and basically carrying the family on your shoulders. The twins still don't STTN and they hate taking naps during the day so it really is like having a full time job, except I don't get to leave the office for lunch or take 15min breaks..lol

 

Hi, I wanted to let you know that I also have a great career. My supervisor has allowed me to work from home for the month of April, but I will be returning to the office full time in May, and my twins and 5 year old son will be going to daycare at that time. My son starts kindergarten in the fall, but I will still be paying for before and after school care for him. My position more than covers all these costs, and I love my job as well as the people I work with. I'm sure that your babies will thrive in day care, as most kids with parents that love them do. And as other posters have said, all those mommy groups are designed for SAHM's. I too was frustrated with it, because I wanted to meet some moms with kids my kids age, so I started making friends with the other parents at the day care, and it has worked out wonderfully! Best Wishes to you.

 

WOW, I think I am the only SAHM in my MOM group. All the ladies there work.

It's hard either way you go. Not every woman can stay home with her children. Some days I wish I had a job to go to. It's for sure a daily choice for me to do what I do. I had a GREAT job that I left to do this "no pay" job that I do now. There are many reasons that I decided this was the best choice for me, but there are many wonderful moms out there who have to work. Don't feel bad, if you have to work you have to work, you have to make ends meet and provide for your family.


OH, and don't worry about the rolling over. It will happen, and they are not at all behind. Soon you will see them do these things

 

:hug99: DH and I are dual Navy and while its tough we do make it through. Have I always made the best choices probably not I do my best and so do you, it might not seem like it now but you do. And who care if you are tired at 7:05 Go to bed housework can wait I stressed for a while about it and then I let go as long as your kids are happy and healthy! For what its worth DD never rolled over until she could crawl at 10 months and she didnt walk until 15 months DS was slightly ahead of her. Dont worry Mommy you are doing a great job!

EDITED TO ADD : I never thought of being a Sahm, nothing wrong with it but it just isnt for me .

 

Thanks ladies this is just what I needed. I applaud all SAHM's because I don't think I could handle it. If it helps I am constantly reminding the DH's I work with how much they should thank their SAHM's. It is a tough choice and I just felt like I was letting my children down.

 

I work full time. And DH just left this morning for a 2 week business trip to India.

Mine are home all day with a nanny. I know they are getting more education, development, interaction with the nanny than they would with me at home. She reads them books all day, does sign language, plays musical instruments, massages, takes them for walks every day, blows bubbles, plays with toys, etc. - I could go on and on. Bottom line is I feel like they are getting more interaction and teaching from someone who is educated and trained to do this - they probably think I'm boring!

Mine are nowhere close to crawling. DD just figured out how to roll back to tummy, but DS doesn't even try.

More and more studies come out every year that show that children of working parents are no worse off than children of SAHM parents. They will be just fine. And they will know that you worked hard to provide for them.

I'm sure you're doing a great job!

 

I am a Registered Nurse, but currently a SAHM. My DH is Airforce. He is currently deployed for a year. I've taken jobs on and off when we needed the money and I was itching to get back to the work force...temporarily. I understand working and wanting to work. I understand the guilt you feel, too, when you do work.

As moms, we usually can find something to feel guilty about. We love our children so much and want what's best for them. Being a mom is the hardest and most important job in the world. We don't want to screw it up!

You need to do what's best and right for your family. I don't see anything wrong with working. Stop comparing yourself and your babies to others. Otherwise, can you ever be happy with the way things are if you're constantly comparing and second guessing?

 

I work full-time but have a flex schedule to be with my twins for a decent portion of the week. I'm also finishing a master's degree. I may be losing my mind but I know it's temporary (hopefully). I also know that despite my crazy schedule, my kids get a lot of attention from me and my husband. Can't help but feel guilty but I know my kids will be just fine. Yours will too.

 

I am grateful for this thread. I have found that I have a new best friend in motherhood: GUILT. Always by my side, always influencing every decision and every emotion. Ugh.

I too work full time and feel like I just don't have enough time with my baby babes. They are sometimes awake before I leave in the morning and when I get home we are lucky to have three hours together. I don't think it's enough time together and that makes me sad but I don't have the option of staying at home. I try to really focus on them when I get home. We have an Au Pair from Thailand living with us and she cares wonderfully for Asher and Soren. She holds them, loves them, snuggles with them, and in general gives them excellent attention. I think she has the greatest job in the world!

My dh travels for work and those are difficult times. Even though I do most of the baby work it's nice to know that he's there and could help if I asked him. We just found out that he was spared from serving a year in Iraq and never have I been more grateful or relieved in my life. Seriously? Working full time and caring for twin baby babes with NO family around? That would not have been my favorite experience.

We make sacrifices as mothers because we love our children and they will love us for those sacrifices.

 

I am right there with you. I'm a full time attorney, and my DH is a full time architect. My twins are just over two months. So far I haven't really had to experience everything because I've just gone back to work after 8 weeks maternity leave last Tuesday. DH is home for two weeks with the babies. They start daycare on Monday. I do wonder sometimes how they will do in daycare, but it's not really optional for me to work. I make 2/3 of our household income, and I do love my job. For me, my career makes me a better person, and I just have to be confident that it will make me a better parent. I won't lie, I would love for DH to be a stay at home dad - he is phenomenal - but he loves his career as well. I just try to have as much confidence as I can in my choices and that they are the best for our family.

That said, yes, I already feel like a crappy mom because I'm not there. They had their two month pedi appointment last Friday, and I couldn't go because I had a meeting. I know it's just the first of many things I will miss. I go home every night and spend about an hour with them before they go to bed - and of course it is the time that they are fussiest so I feel like we have no quality time together. And I am worried about my work suffering as well. Full time female lawyers who are also mothers are rare enough - twins is a whole different ballpark! I would love to have people like you to talk to as we go through this - I need all the support I can get!

 

I know how you feel completely. I am a FT attorney and DH an even busier (who would've thought that possibel?!) engineer. During the week, I get about 1.5 hours with them in the morning and an hour at night. Weekends, DH has been so busy he's had to work, so I'm all alone caring for the boys for most of the day Saturday and part of the day most Sundays as well. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I can only explain what gets me thru the day - I went to school and worked extremely hard to get to where I'm at. But so did DH. And, mentally, neither one of us can, in good conscience, walk away right now. Although we could live off of either one of our salaries, our standard of living would surely decline - we made a choice to keep it up, along with being able to continue to save for college, retirement, etc. SAHMs do an amazing job - one that I admit that I am not able to do. So, we're lucky that we have a wonderful nanny who cares for the boys like her own - the boys adore her! Quite frankly, if I was a SAHM, I would not have the energy req'd to watch them by the end of the day - I'd be completely drained. So I go to work, and as strange as it seems, that's where I "re-charge" so I can go home and be a better mommy, even if it for a short period of time. I do feel guilty sometimes, and miss them routinely, but I know we're doing what's best for them and for us!!!! (If I am not happy, how can I make my babies happy?) Hang in there - you're doing great. And remember that babies develop at different rates - chat with your pedi if you're concerned, but it sounds like yours are doing just fine.

 

Sorry ... I may not be a good authority to be replying b/c I am not a military wife or a working mom. I am a SAHM but my husband is in his medical residency ... so I feel ya on FEELING like a single Mom. I have NO idea how a single Mom does it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have no idea how a working Mom does it either! Part of my decision to stay home was SELFISH! I loved my job but couldn't imagine being pulled in so many different directions. I think, if you have a daycare you trust then they are probably doing everything you would do with your twins. FWIW, my girls don't crawl yet (almost 9 mos) and they were late rollers ... and I NEVER leave them ... I don't even leave them with sitters b/c their stranger anxiety is so bad. They even scream at their GRANDPARENTS! So, there are good things about daycare. The interaction with other adults and children. I would say there are plenty of times that I just need a break already so I pop them in front of Baby Einstein (maybe a little more often that I care to admit =) Now that they are getting older and napping better (and at the same time!) life is a lot better for me. Is your daycare sure to get them to nap ... and keep them on the same schedule? If not, you should chat with them about that. It would make your weekends a lot easier and more enjoyable for you if you have well rested babies and some alone time for yourself! Anyway, don't sell yourself short. You (we all) are still in survival mode ... this first year group! I'm sure you are a great Mommy and the fact that you even question yourself shows how much you care.

 

I know how you feel, too. DH and I are both physicians, and I am finishing up my last year of fellowship training and DH is a neonatologist. Needless to say, we have long and exhausting work days. I went back to work when the babies were 12 weeks old. They are in daycare during the day and I am always feeling guilty that I barely get to spend time with them during the week, but we really have no choice. I constantly worry that they are not stimulated enough at daycare, and that they are not on a schedule as much as I would like (and therefore don't nap well), but I know that the daycare providers LOVE our kids and do their best. I truly don't don't think I could be a SAHM, because I do enjoy my career and adult interactions every day, but I'd love to be able to work part-time eventually. We will be relocating this summer and starting new (full time) jobs, but we will be able to afford to get a nanny, which makes me feel a bit better. I always stress about my kids' development, but I know that milestone are general guidelines and they will do things on thier own time. I am constantly reassured we must be doing something right when I see those smiling faces and hear those sweet laughs every day -- they are happy and healthy, and that's what's important. You are doing a great job......

 

I had read this when you first posted and then couldn't find it to respond. I am glad I looked before bed.

I think too many of us moms fall into the either/or catagory of mothering. We either are a SAHM or a full time worker. There are many jobs out there today that can really let you do both. I am working part time, because staying at home 24/7 would drive me insane. But at the same time, I don't want to miss out on so much of my little ones. So I found a middle ground where I could do most of both. I figure we can start saving more for a college fund, retirement, etc, when the babies are a bit older.

If you are really unhappy falling into either/or, then maybe you too can find some kind of compromise in the work force. You didn't say what it is you do. but there are many jobs out there that can be tweeked to work part time or do freelance. Good luck at finding what works best for you and your family