antonistic towards one another.. heelp!

Clayton and Audrey have totally been fighting with one another lately. It is frustrating for me. I know of a mom of two boys who totally play rough with each other all the time, but in our case it is often left with hard feelings. Right now they were swimming and Clayton literally held her under water because she swam under his kickboard. I had him get out of the pool but I am having issues curtailing this behavior. Often the behavior is stuff that we have told them they are not allowed to do such as pushing each other. I am on my phone so please do not mind any typos.
Signed,
Frustrated.

 

I have found that my boys are worse when they spend all their time together. Once they are in a situation like school or camp, where they can be apart and have their own friends, the fighting abates.

 

Mine got really bad when they were at home together right before school started. Now they are still together in kinder but are expelling a lot more energy and getting along better

 

I would really, really crack down on the completely unwanted behaviour, like holding his sister underwater. That would have not only gotten mine out of the water for the day, but also probably the next time we went, they wouldn't have been allowed in the water. Something that works for Timothy is having to confess what he did to my dh. Dad just stands there and looks disapproving and coaxes the story out and makes him answer questions about what he did and why. Timothy hates telling dh what he really did.

I have noticed that mine do better with a structured day, but with variety. When things start going downhill, I try to break momentum with boardgames, activities or just a movie (mine rarely watch tv).

But yes, I think it's about time for school to start. Today has just been a day of picking at each other. Mine are happier when they have school and see each other at recess and then get their own space.

Marissa

 

I read something recently that I am planning on trying that might help you out, too. One lady on another board was having trouble with her kids fighting. So, she set up two jars in her kitchen - one was filled with 100 pennies and the other was empty. She told her kids that they would be able to earn a trip to the ice cream shop (McD's would probably work better for us) by transferring all the pennies to the other jar. The way they got to move the pennies was by tattling on their sibling. BUT, these tattles had to be about something GOOD. They had to come tell her nice things about each other. Anything nice counted (she said she started hearing things like, "She has nice ears." :laughing: ), but they could only transfer one penny each during an hour and only up to 3 pennies a day or something like that. They could always "tattle" more, but that is all the pennies she would transfer.

She said it took a couple of weeks for all the pennies to transfer (she had a lot of kid, it would take us over a month), but the process really changed their attitudes toward one another. They got in the habit of looking for the good in each other.

I think, when I do it, I will allow 5 pennies a day, but we will also take pennies away for bickering, bad tattling, and bossiness (a BIG problem with my DD).

 

No great answers, but mine are at each other's throats half the time too. And like you said, it's not happy roughhousing -- they both really get mad and it always escalates until someone is either hitting or screaming "STUPID!!" (or both).

So far the only way I've found to handle it is to physically separate them. Even then, they are often still trying desperately to get back at each other and I have to literally hold one of them down or hold the bedroom door shut. They're like fighting roosters.

For us, it's not from being out of school -- their daycare goes straight through until the day before they start kindergarten (this Thurs.). But I know their nerves are still on edge from the upcoming change -- mine are, too. So I try to cut them a little slack, but I still can't have them beating up on each other (physically or emotionally).

I like that penny idea! I've also thought of having a "demerit chart" where they get a black sticker every time someone hits or screams abuse at anyone, and if they get 10 stickers they lose their allowance for that week or something. I hate having it come down to punishment (plus, I am soooo sick of sticker charts, they always get way out of hand), but I just can't let Amy (yes, usually Amy) keep getting away with this abusive behavior and I don't know what else to do.

ETA: I've also seen the book "Siblings without Rivalrly" highly recommended -- though I suspect it's another one of those books (like "Positive Discipline") where you are supposed to make huge changes in how your family relates to each other, and eventually you see the benefits. It's not like "Here's what you do when one kid hits the other kid."

 

Thank you for your responses! Neat penny idea! Thanks!