Antisocial behaviour

Anyone have kids that are antisocial. The twins are awful. They will not respond when someone they don't know very well talks to them. One pulls disgusted faces. I put them in soccer because they wanted to but they just stand on the sidelines. I have had it. I've tried explaining that it hurts people's feelings when they do that and then they say they will do it "next time" but they never do! They are really good kids but I worry that they will never have any friends (especially one of them). It is so frustrating! Any ideas of how to bring them out of their shell?

 

I have some very shy kids and have found they each need their own time to adjust to situations and any attempts to push them will back fire big time! I was really worried my oldest would never have friends, he did well in pre-school but would not talk or play with kids on the playground and would scowl at anyone who looked at him or talked to him. He is now a very well adjusted 6 year old who makes new firends at the park and speaks to people well.

My twins are also shy and think the twin bond probably makes it easier to remain shy. My twin DS is a really sensitive guy and finds comfort being with his twin or big bro.

I would try to just support them, they are probably too young to understand the hurting peoples feelings part of it. They may spend the whole season on the sidelines, which is frustrating to you but may be what they need. Hopefully they will start to join in a bit but only on their own time.

 

I agree with this! I have shy kids, who definitely take after good old Mom and Dad in that department, and they do need time to warm up to new situations and new people. I would keep up with the soccer as long the kids like it and you might find as they start spending more time with their teammates they'll be more social. I noticed that when my kids started their preschool program, at first they would not say a peep or play with the other kids and by the end of it, they were more social.

 

My kids aren't very shy, but I was as a child. I coach my girls before we go into situations or if people talk tothem while we are out I might suggest how to answer if they are clamming up. I think kids just need to learn these skills at their own pace. Is there a kid they get along with in soccer? Can you arrange a play date with the mom? Even now I'm shy and much more comfortable in a small group than big parties.

 

Thanks for the replies. It just makes me sad when all the other kids are having a good time and they're just watching. And when C is actually nasty when people talk to her it drives me crazy. I have coached them on how to talk to people in other situations and they do ok sometimes and then they'll say"I did it", so I think we are making progress, but it just breaks my heart that they are missing out. I think they will spend the whole time on the sidelines but I'm not going to pull them out like my MIL suggested. Then they will learn to avoid social situations. They are going to start preschool in the fall and I think that will be very good for them. I guess I'll just have to be patient.

 

I think at that age-- observing is a way of learning, to be honest (I teach 3-4 yr old preschool). They are not missing out- actually they are probably picking up more than you expect by watching.

At 3-4 - some kids are 'do-ers' and some are 'watchers', there is nothing wrong with being either. It is simply personality and it does NOT mean that later they will be anti-social and/or not enjoy group situations. It is developmentally perfectly ok and normal for 3 yr olds to be wary & cautious at times. Also, at that age: they are starting to take time to process through observation. By watching, they will see & learn different information than if they were in the middle of a fray of 3 yr olds running like crazy. At 3, the world often opens up and fears/scariness/'great unknowns' get bigger as the kiddos worlds 'expand' to include tomorrows/weeks/months/feelings of others/ social rules/ their own BIG emotions. It is a lot to take in and process, it is a mental maturity that kicks in and how preschoolers deal with it varies greatly and as long as they can explore those emotions and situations in a way they feel safe & in a positive setting they will learn from it. Also, the shift from parallel play to group play occurs around that age-- that also takes some practice, observation, and trial/error.


You may see the same thing at preschool. Many many many kids are shy, reserved, and have tears in the beginning. It can be scary/overwhelming to be in a large group of agemates. They are expected to follow rules that they are not sure about, new routines, and new environments. Often after a few weeks-- many kiddos open up and start to interact more. Though some remain just more reserved kids- nothing wrong with that either, as long as you are not seeing super negative emotions, super anxiety, or extreme physical aggression.

FWIW- my twins: one is an extrovert and the other an introvert. One DD watched (and still does) before jumping in to new classes, situations, etc. Other DD jumps in full force. Oddly, enough BOTH are social girls and very friendly-- but they take very different things away from activities due to the way they approach it. My watcher DD actually has 'better' social skills but is not a leader to her peers (rather goes her own way) & strong empathy from observing others than my more impulsive DD (who is a leader but at times makes poor judgement calls due to following her peers negative behaviors),

 

This is exactly how both of my girls are too! I actually worry more about my impulsive girl because sometimes she comes across as very intrusive to other kids, and especially shy kids are little freaked out by her. We've taught to her to back off a little and let kids warm up to her before playing. So no matter if your kid is shy or out-going, a momma always has something to 'worry' about

 

Also remember there is a difference between being polite and being shy. Perhaps you can work on what you call their nasty behavior first and let the shy part come at their own pace. I was shy and still am a bit (though people I know laugh when I say that). I even remember sitting at parties having a good time and people saying to me "why aren't you talking/smiling, aren't you having a good time?" I was! Sometimes it's just nice to sit, observe and enjoy, why does everyone have to be "out there". I have a neighbor who is super outgoing and her child is "shy". Her mother is having the hardest time and I cringe each time she tells her daughter "she is saying hi to you, say hi", "why are you being shy", "go play with her, she wants to play with you". Uh it just goes on and on and I wish her mother realized that she is making it worse.

 

Have they been in any type of preschool setting yet? I found that preschool was the best way for my kids to learn to socialize and find appropriate behavior. I will probably be slammed for this, but I would also look at putting them in different classes. If they have each other to depend on, they won't have motivation to move beyond and find other kids, and learn how to interact with them. BTW, my boys have never been in the same class in school, for many reasons, and that is one of them.

 

The closest thing to preschool is probably Sunday School, but there is a lady there who is very "in your face" to them. They just run away to me. We go to a Stay and Play program once a week. It is in a preschool type classroom but less structure and the parents stay with them. They do their own thing there. They are getting better with needing me less (they go play without me beside them) but they will not interact with other kids. It is strange b/c they don't really play with eachother much there either. I think preschool will be very good for them.