I guess I'd say he's "doing his best"... but he just can't cope with newborns. It was this way with our first son as well. He just doesn't know how to soothe a fussy baby and the crying makes him so upset. At the moment, my mom is here and she helps me through the night. But what am I going to do once she leaves next week?? I guess just feed one, put him back to sleep and then get to the other. I've tried just insisting that he help.. but honestly he gets so frustrated that he makes the baby even more upset... so it's just not worth it. It's tough, and disappointing. But this is the way it is. Anyone else have a less than helpful DH? How did you cope? TIA! -maria DS 1 4 yrs old DS 2 and DS 3 5 weeks
When my girls were born my DH was having to live away from home for work during the week, so he could not help at all. It was tough! I had to stay with my parents during the week (or my mom would spend the night here). My mom took 3 weeks off work when the girls were born, and then when she went back she only worked half days for another 2 weeks so that she could stay here with me and help me. After that I spent the night at my parents house, they set up a full nursery for my girls there. The way we got through it is I'd go to sleep after the 6 pm feeding, and my parents would feed the girls at 9 pm. Then I got up and did the midnight and 3 am feedings, and then they got up and did the 6 am feeding so I could sleep til 9. How long will your mom be able to help for? How old are your babies? I do it by myself now all the time but my girls are older.
maria, I'm sure you're not alone on this one. I'm really surprised that my husband contributes as much as he does to childcare--based on the level of housework he did (or didn't do) before we had kids. FWIW, I think many women are afraid to openly comment about this, as they feel it is disparaging their spouse, but it's not. It often true, many most men don't make an equal contribution to child care and housework, even when their spouses work full time. I'd try my best to sit him down, and let him know how overwhelming it is to take care of two babies by yourself. If he realizes it's to his benefit to have you more rested and relaxed, then maybe he'll step up. Plus, he's missing out on his bonding time--you can't get this time back. I hope it gets better.
my hubby's no help either he says he's working to provide for us and so he's gone day light til dark and when he gets home he's always to tired...but gosh doesn't he understand how tired I am......the day we got out of the hospital he dropped us off and went on his merry way....he's self emloyed so he didn't have to if he didn't want to but since the babies were born he works almost 24-7 and there's no way he's gonna wake up in the night to help feed......and he's maybe changed 20 diapers total since birth....he does try but I guess this is all new to him these being out first children....he loves them but just doesn't do much with the care giving just the holding while he sleeps LOL
While my husband is very helpful during the day, nighttime feedings and care has been all mine. Now that I'm back at work I don't mind because I get a little alone time with them and they are sleeping much better but I used to get very frustrated because he didn't help. One thing I found is that I couldn't feed them separately. No matter what while I was feeding one the other would be screaming for food. So I learned to feed them together, this not only cut down on screaming but made things go SO much quicker at night when you need it the most. I propped one in the boppy pillow on the floor, sat next to it with my leg on one side and propped the other baby between my leg and the boppy. Burping time is a big awkward but you figure it out. I feed them together ALL the time now because it is much easier once I got the hang of it. YOu could try doing that. That is if you don't breastfeed. If you do, I know there are people who do both at the same time....don't know how but they do. Sorry you are feeling like this. But I agree with PP, most men don't do nearly as much as we do. I've come to accept it and try to make the best of it.
You are not alone. :hug: And it is really hard to take care of two newborns all by yourself. Know that it will get easier as they get older. And you and your husband will find your own balance. Don't forget that we are here to help in any way we can - to give advice, tell you our own antedotes, or even just to listen to a vent and empathize. Hopefully it will get better soon. Hopefully your husband will realize that with two babies he really has to help much more than he did with just one. For me, it took me stopping enabling him by letting him dump the crying baby on me. Instead I helped him learn to soothe them and even encouraged him to find his own ways. It was really tough for all of us in the beginning, but know that it does get better. We survived, and so will you even when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I remember being so angry in the middle of the night feeding the twins while DH slept I would whack him in the side if he dared to snore or Id sit and cry because the whole world was asleep except me. I know how hard it is doing it with the not most helpful husband in the world he tried hard in daylight hours but I did the bulk of it still do. Good luck Im sure you will do fine by yourself! :hug:
My DH also isn't much for handling fussy babies. Now that we're on 3 and 4 he at least has learned a few things to soothe them, but if they don't respond he'll give up. (It's his personality--he has to FIX things.) I have done nights pretty much solo since the first couple weeks. Definitely try to find a way to feed them together. I BF mine, and I wanted to do it lying down like with singletons, but for the first two months I just had to grit my teeth and sit up and feed both of them. (Now one is STTN, so I can just nurse the other lying down.) Fortunately my DH is great with older kids. They just have to be capable of rational communication--at least a little bit.
Oh honey, you are so not alone on this one. Let me tell you. I don't often rant on here about my DH but sometimes ya just got to vent. DH was good when the girls first came home from the hospital, probably for the first six to seven months, he was good as far as helping me feed them at night, but luckily my girls started sleeping through the night at about 8 weeks. (we were spoiled by their schedule) Luckily they were really good babies, no fussiness really. But that is besides the point, my girls are 19 months old and DH has bathed them maybe 5 times since they were born. And when I ask him why he doesn't help with this, he says he doesn't know how, I showed him a few times, but it really didn't do me any good. It was just more work for me. If I ask him to feed them, he tells me,"well, .... what should I fix for them?" and he is serious. He acts like he has no clue. He is a good dad and watches them if I need to go somewhere, but when both of us are home, he doesn't have a f****** clue! ( sorry about the language!) I am sorry, but I have just come to the realization that he has no clue and that I am better off doing these things myself, cause then I know that it gets done, and the girls are taken care of. It's really sad. I hope that things get better for you. I don't mean to be a downer, but in my household that is they way things are, and I have basically just had to deal with it and make the best out of it for my girls. (they like me better anyways!) LOL
I went throught this also! It is very hard and it took a lot of talking and several conversations to get more help....I think the older they get the better because they can interact with him now...I still could use some more help but it has gotten better. At the begining though never woke up with them through the night or really helped with much of anything. Hope things get better for you i feel your pain! :hug:
When we were in the fussy crying needing soothing stage all of it fell to me to "fix" them. DH would get so frustrated and say things that really upset me. Finally, I determined that he just wasn't capable of soothing them when they were wound up so it all fell to me. It was a difficult period for us and I had a hard time seeing past that one HUGE issue. In time the babies became less fussy and DH got into more of a groove soothing DS and I would soothe DD, but this wasn't until they were about five months or so. What helped during that time when I felt overburdened with fussy babies was to delegate other things to him that he could do well. He washed bottles, went to the grocery, cooked dinner, etc. He continues to do those things today. He also feeds them meals on occassion, but much of that falls to me as well now. I have mostly made my peace with the fact that I'm the mom and therefore do all the planning, organizing, meal prep, feeding, laundry, clothes organization, and a whole bunch of other baby only related stuff that takes about all of my "free" time. Oh and I work FT outside the home too. I hope things improve for you and you find a balance. :hug:
Hugs, honey - you are NOT alone, and your DH is not even a bad guy! It's just life....and some men... When the twins were born, we were a few weeks away from getting into the new "4/5" of the house. The two months after they were born, I sat with the twins, with no sleep, and watched my DH lay hardwoods in the new part of the house. That's my most vivid memory of that time...knowing I was up all night with the twins, and up all day with the big girls, and Dh was up all night with the addition and up all day with his promotion. And we were both in WAY over our heads. It gets better. I promise. We are recovering now. Life works in cycles. Do what you have to to get through.
my dh is common sense/baby challenged. lol he needs direct orders and he'll get it done, otherwise forget it
DH and I just had a fight about this last night. I asked him what would happen if I died. He doesn't know when/what/how to feed them, how to bathe them, what size they wear (in diapers or clothes) and thinks that they can wait a minute if they are screaming. I've done it all since the boys were born (with the help of my mom the first month). DH had been deployed for about 5 months of the boys year (at 2 different times) and he sees that as an excuse to not know whats going on. I've made it a goal to make him do more now. Yesterday I left him with the boys and hid in my stamp room for about 30 mins. I could hear them crying, but DH figured out it was a dirty diaper. I was so impressed. I keep threatening to leave him alone with the boys for an entire day with no directions. At this point, it won't hurt them if they don't eat on time. I think he needs to know how hard us "single" moms have it. My advice is to get him to do as much as possible when the babies aren't fussy. Put him on burping or diaper duty. Have bathtime be his job. I never made my DH do anything and I regret it.
I was thinking about posting the same topic when I found yours LOL. My DH has been working for the first couple of days since the boys have been home and I have my mom here, but I was trying to it myself so I can get used to it while my mom is still here so I can pull the emergency mom alarm LOL Dh has today off so last night was the first night he had to help. He is super helpful in the morning, but at night he makes things almost unbearable. He is so grouchy it is better to do it by myself! He just wants to sit there and b**** at me about everything and it makes me even more tired than I already am! I plan on talking to him about it this morning when he finally wakes up :angry: who knows how this will go (we don't communicate very well :blush: ) I feel a lot better to hear about other Dhs it makes me want to choke mine out a little less :good: Oh and get this Dh asks me if he can go out to a expo on Sunday with a friend cuz HE NEEDS A BREAK :blink:
I know that it is hard when Dh doesn't help out. He tried as hard as he could but he was working over an hour away and it was winter so he needed to get his sleep. His mother was here for a few weeks but sometimes she didn't always help. I am very picky about they way things are doing. Post delivery and having babies was hard and she just didn't understand. It is very hard but I asked him that after dinner if he could take care of the last feeding so I could go to bed so that way I got a little sleep. Ask him to help in any way he can.
