Am I the only one that feels like this?

I know I have posted about this before (sports related) but we went to a birthday party for a four year old. Basically out of 20 or so kids there were 5 boys that were just so aggressive and out of control I could not believe it. The party was at one of those bouncy places and I do know that kids get very excited but this was ridiculous. At one point two boys were punching each other so bad that the birthday boy day had to intervene. Some parents of the aggressive boys were not even there-yes they dropped off their 5 year olds and came back-which I think is way too young-especially if they act like that. The same group of boys were plowing over some of the smaller girls and boys and were just so disrespectful to the adults that actually stayed to supervise their kids. At one point these boys shoved a girl away from the table-she is screaming bloody murder because she fell off the chair and then the rest are literally fighting, punching, and kicking each other to be on the birthday throne. I finally said something when one of these boys decided to put his shoes on the table we were eating at-he gave me the most bizarre look in the world-like it was the first time someone said no to him.

Are my boys going to be beat up, kicked, bullied, etc when they go to to a K-8 school next year? I am so worried about this type of behavior. I know boys can be very physical but this is out of control. Why do the parents just stand by and do nothing? It just seems like the parents of these boys either one were not there or two have this attitude of boys will be boys which really makes me mad-in fact someone said that at the party when one of these boys shoved a girl face first down the slide. :angry:

I am just so worried that I am one of the few parents that feel this is unacceptable. In one way, I know I have done a good job raising my boys because they are respectful to adults-would never ever think about talking back and they look out for the little kids. They are not perfect by any means-but I am scared that this is the norm around boys. I really do not want my boys to be just run over all the time because they are not aggressive.

Anyone else feel like this?
Thanks for any input.
Theresa

 

Not all boys are like that! There do seem to be a few like that everywhere, and generally they are younger siblings and follow the behavior of older sibs. The older sib probably isn't out of control--although sometimes they are, but the younger sib doesn't have the maturity to understand when enough is enough. I know when we had the boys birthday last year, one parent did drop off--his dad asked me if it was OK. But the place we were at required a contact number from all parents who dropped off.

Those boys should have been pulled aside--birthday party or not. I know that would have happened at the places here.

 

In our own experience, these types of out of control boys do exist, lol, but we've never had a real problem with the type of behavior you describe. The worst "offender" we have ever experienced was actually a girl. She used to live next door and we were never so glad as when she moved away. Her mother has since had triplets (conceived without fertility) and we often wondered how this little girl must be terrorizing her sibs.

I can tell you that MOST little boys are not like this. I have a house full of boys all the time, and unless it's fighting between my own three, lol, we have never had any issues with out of control "boy" behavior. But then again, I'd much rather deal with the "physicality" and roughness than I would the whininess and pouting of some of my friends' girls! :lol:

FWIW, I don't think you have to worry that your boys are going to be anyone's "punching bags" or anything.

 

Kyle has had some issues with aggression. I have not really been able to get to the bottom of why but obviously do my best to prevent it from happening. I mean we have talked to a counselor, I have talked to the ped, I have spoken to his teachers, we have distracted, we have reminded, we have punished..............I don't believe it is to the point where you describe but it is enough that I am nervous about him in group situations (just in free play type things, in school it is the playground free time). I get very nervous when I have to take him to social gatherings but he usually does fine, maybe needs one reminder or something but I think that is fairly normal for any child. I always talk to his Dad and grandparents after they take him to group outings to see how he does and they always say he has no problems. I will say that I would honestly be skeptical of sending Kyle to a party without me there because obviously I can't see what he acts like when I am not there (he may be better without me there but how would I know?). K&K don't generally go to any children bday parties (except a couple TS members and one was at a house while the other was at a McDonald's and he was fine).

I don't really know where I am going with this except to say that we went through a phase where nothing was working in terms of curbing his behavior and it certainly wasn't that I was ignoring it....................very far from it.

I also would not have allowed him to continue to be involved in things like you describe, chances are we would have been in the car and heading home but hard to say since I wasn't there, KWIM? I do not go by the boys being boys at all, that totally does not fly!

I guess I am just trying to say that because a child has some issues doesn't necessarily mean that the parents think the behavior is acceptable, unfortunately children are not on puppet strings.

 

Thanks for pointing that out, Dianne. Truly, we don't always know what a child's background is and whether or not a parent is struggling with certain behaviors. Although, as you indicated, since you know Kyle has had some aggression issues, I highly doubt you would drop him off at a social situation like this and leave. That is the issue I have with these boys' behavior. It's one thing to be dealing with this and supervising the child's behavior as much as possible. It's another to just drop the five year old off at a party knowing he has aggression issues. Then again, some parents have blinders on and assume all children behave the same way as theirs!

 

I agree -- when I read the original post, it was the parents behavior that irritated me most. Both the parents who just excuse the behavior with a flip "Boys will be boys" comment, and the parents who dropped off their kids. Of course, if no one tells the parents that their kids are out of control, maybe they think their kids are being angels and don't need to stay and watch them?

My boys have had some run in with aggressive kids over the years and have learned to stay away from them as much as possible. I have always tried to use those instances as excuses to talk about what they should do next time it happens, since there will be times when I'm not there and I want them to be as prepared as possible.

 

I've seen some of this type of behviour and I agree with all of you! Theresa, you are not alone in thinking that out of control behaviour is unacceptable. I think most of us agree that it is unacceptable and should be addressed.

But, like Dianne, I have seen that even with parents trying very hard to manage their children's inappropriate behaviour (and sometimes the children are girls, you're right Kim!!!), some kids are just very hard to manage a lot of the time. Also, I have found that sometimes it is the dynamic of a group that sets several members of the group off. It is possible that the parents who dropped off had no idea that their children would go crazy in this particular setting with this particular group of kids.

My boys are very polite (probably the most polite kids in their class, boys or girls) and also very empathetic to the feelings of others. They are not generally the rough house kind of boys. However, they are a part of an extremely high-energy and challenging class. I am not the only one saying this; this class has earned a reputation in the school as the most challenging single group most teachers can remember having (it's a small school with small classes and their class is a relatively large 26). Even last year, when they were only 19 students, they were 19 of the most rambunctious and difficult to manage students I have ever seen. Every June, each graduating teacher has been given a limo ride home from school on the last day in recognition of the challenging year she has had!!! I kid you not!

In this class, there are a couple of boys who actually have ADHD (our small school attracts people whose children have special issues because of the extra attention and understanding they will get there), and at least one girl with ADHD also. Then, there are about 9 extremely high energy boys and girls (including one of mine); these high energy kids are generally good kids and not aggressive, but very antsy, fidgety, talkative etc. Then the rest of the class (less than half) are a normal mix of quieter and even one shy child. This year, 7 new students joined the class. In that batch 3 of the 7 (including ID twin girls) are absolutely horrible. Not only are these three antsy and fidgety, but they are rude, lie, start fights,break into lockers, and generally make life miserable. The twin girls and a boy actually dumped one of my boys head first into a garbage can and left him there while laughing at him. This is not funny at all, of course. If anything, the stress level has risen this year. I've not been called about my boys but they tell me of things that happened and I know they've had to push back from time to time just to survive this new environment.

My point is this: even if your boys are normal in energy and polite and respectful, you may see a slight uptick in behavioural issues at first as they adjust to school and the pressures of group dynamics. If you are lucky, your boys will join a class of calm, pleasant children. More likely, it will be a mixed bag and there will be a few live wires and mostly regular kids. Worst case scenario, your boys wind up in a class like my boys have: even with all the challenges and hard times, though, they are making friends, getting through and working through the challenging years together as a class. It is upsetting at times, but I think they are all going to be OK (and we parents have learned that public parties require all of us supervising, private house parties, we sort of agree that we can handle each other's kids and no one judges the other's kids too harshly). We've had just about everyone over for a playdate at one time or another and individually, these kids are all good kids. THe group behaviour is not the whole picture.

I don't know if this made a lot of sense, but I hope it will. Try to remember that individual kids may be really fine, but act foolishly in the group for many reasons: hyped up by the group dynamic; self-defense; trying to be "cool",etc. Instead of focusing on how a few kids seem so "bad", it may be more helpful to recognise the group dynamics at work and to work with other parents and teachers to manage the group's behaviour as a whole.

 

QUOTE(Ellen Barr @ Jan 7 2008, 03:48 PM) [snapback]561501[/snapback]
I agree -- when I read the original post, it was the parents behavior that irritated me most. Both the parents who just excuse the behavior with a flip "Boys will be boys" comment...


Ugh. That comment makes me CRINGE. I have an enormous issue with people excusing behaviors like that with that sort of comment.

I will ALWAYS speak with kids who are being too rough around other kids even if their parents are there (unless, of course, the parents are addressing it).

As for school, I told my kids that if they were being bothered by another child at recess (and like Nifty, my kids are in a class with some very challenging kids -- they actually had police involvement with one child this year!), they should go and play near a teacher, and if the problem continues and the teacher is unaware, say (audibly) in the teacher's presence "Please cut it out!".

 

My three sons are behind me on the carpet right now, emitting a deafening level of raucous, joyful noise while wrestling/tackling/pulling shirts off each other. So I feel somewhat qualified to comment.

However, they NEVER behave like this in public. At the playground and at school, they are polite, empathetic, watch out for the younger kids, and would never think of assaulting another child.

I don't think you need to worry too much about aggression at school. While bullying still exists, obviously, most schools have a zero-tolerance policy for any type of aggressive physical contact.

(OMG, I'm not kidding you: Jackson just this very moment knocked out Brady's front tooth with a wrestling move!!! :icon_eek: He was due to lose it soon, because Hayden lost his just before Christmas, but what a way to illustrate your point!!)

Bottom line is, my boys are far more of a danger to each other than they are to anyone else, and we allow them to wrestle at home only so long until we break it up.

 

Thank you for your replies. My boys are also physical with each other (play fighting, etc) but it is not this crazy out of control behavior. I really could not believe parents would drop their kids off. I talked to another mom today who went to that party and she said that the one boy who was the worst actually had just gotten kicked out of preschool (he was one of the boys that did not have his parents or a relative there to watch).

My boys are tiny compared to some of these kids-if they take after me they will not get bigger until late in high school so I really worry about this. I really want to state that this was not what I considered "normal" getting too rough and carried away at one of those bouncy places-this was down right mean and aggressive to kids half their size-I am totally surprised actually that nobody got hurt.

I know that you cannot watch your kids at all times and that kids do go through phases-but then stay and watch your kid-ugh. These parents were clueless and probably have never ever addressed these issues.
I did tell my boys to stay away from that group and they have each other to play with at the party (they only knew the neighbor kid and the rest of the boys were from the birthday boys school).

I guess my biggest issue with this party was the parents not staying or if they were staying not noticing how out of control these kids were-it is not like this was an isolated fight over something-it is like they would kick and punch one kid-then move over to the slide and push a smaller kid down, then when we were getting ready to eat-knock a kid off the chair, etc. DO SOMETHING WHEN YOUR CHILD IS OUT OF CONTROL-he or she could hurt someone and they could wind up hurting themselves as well.

I was a very sports oriented girl as a kid-I played with boys all the time at recess-but I never remember this kind of behavior happening at school or at a party. I remember a couple of playground fights when I was older but not this disrespect for parents and people in charge. These kids scared me and scared my boys.

My boys have friends at preschool right now and usually play with the group of boys (but it is a private school and they have no tolerance for this type of behavior) and run around-roll in the dirt, fake karate chop, etc- but this is really different behavior that I witnessed. I think Ellen had some good advice in staying away from this behavior-I just do not want my boys to be picked on or tormented at school because I actully believe you should play relatively nice and try not to hurt anyone on purpose and if it does get too rough and someone gets hurt say I am sorry.

It just seems like the parents at this party (that is the ones that actually were there) just sort of tossed up their hands with the saying "Oh well boys will be boys" :angry:
Thanks for reading this.

 

QUOTE
Some parents of the aggressive boys were not even there-yes they dropped off their 5 year olds and came back-which I think is way too young-especially if they act like that.


I agree, if you know your kids are aggressive, you shouldn't be dropping them off. However, I've dropped off my boys at three birthday parties so far this school year, and they are 5. I drop them off at school every day, so it doesn't seem that out of the ordinary to me to drop them off at a party. Only a very few parents chose to stay. One party was at someone's house, and the others were at a YMCA gymnastics facility. At one, the mom stood at the door and wrote down cell phone numbers, so it was pretty much expected that we were to leave.

It's a shame that at the party you were at, the parents didn't realize their kids could be a problem, and that the numbskull parents who were there didn't do something about it.

QUOTE
-I just do not want my boys to be picked on or tormented at school because I actully believe you should play relatively nice and try not to hurt anyone on purpose and if it does get too rough and someone gets hurt say I am sorry.


Again, I don't think you need to worry too much about it at school. Thankfully, most parents, I believe, want and expect their kids to behave nicely, and the schools certainly expect and demand that as well.

 

QUOTE
I'd much rather deal with the "physicality" and roughness than I would the whininess and pouting of some of my friends' girls!


Hey, I've known quite a few whiny, pouty boys! But I agree, with what others have said, this rough, even mean, behavior can be very annoying and upsetting. I feel pretty lucky in that I haven't had to deal with it much with the kids Logan associates with, but I've seen a bit of it with the boys in Caitlin and Sarah's class. Overall, we've again been lucky because they've been in a fairly well-mannered class, but it seems like there are always a couple of kids that have issues of some kind or another.

 

The average age of the employees at this place had to be 16. They had two "kids" supervising the party-I have no idea what their names were. At one point after I witnessed one of these kids pushing a girl face first down the slide (the two story inflatable slide) and then the group of agressive boys about 4 of them going all down together I said something to the girl that was suposedly supervising the slide. We just watched a video before that said only one down the slide at a time and only 4 going up at a time-there were 4 or 5 going down at a time and about 8-10 kids going up the stairs to the slide-the girl just stood there not paying attention and looking very very bored to be at work. By the way these kids were acting, the parents would have to be on drugs to not realize there kids were acting out of control. I do know group dynamics but this was way beyond that-yikes. Also, this was a preschool party-so the 5 year olds were not in K yet which I am hoping there is a big difference in maturity.

I would have no problem dropping my boys off at a friends house for a small party as long as the parents had enough adults to help out with the kids. This is a big place and although it seems safe I have seen kids get hurt there. I just wanted to clairify that the biggest offender there had no supervision and had just gotten kicked out of preschool so the parents would have to know that their child was having issues. The other mom of one of the super aggressive boys just sort of stood by and watched her son knock a girl off the table so that he could sit down-she just sort of shrugged her shoulders and said-oh boys are so different you know how the saying goes boys will be boys.

I was so glad to leave this party-I have been to the ER enough already with accidents with both boys-the last thing I need is another trip there this month because of some aggressive boys.

I have just never seen something like this and it made me so worried about next year. Thanks for the replies-I guess my boys will learn to deal with this because I am sure there will be a few kids in each class-and I also agree with previous posters-it is not always the boys that act like this. Thankfully, it seems like this is not the norm and from the previous posters that this will not be tolerated in school.

Thanks for reading,
Theresa

 

My 8 year old is not like this, never has been! He pushed a boy two years ago after months of teasing/taunting and apologized! I always intervene when it comes to things like this, someone needs to say something an that someone might as well be me!