Am I losing my husband?

I feel like I'm going to puke due to emotional pain. Having twin newborns (10 wks old) has been a huge adjustment and a trying time. Of course we knew it would be, we just didn't know to what extent or how DH especially would handle it. Lack of sleep (for me), intimacy, money, alone time, etc. DH is not doing well. He doesn't like coming home anymore which is what he told me after he got home from the gym today. I mentioned he was gone for a long time, and he said he would've been gone longer had he had something else to do before coming home.

Then he said what I feared..............."I went along with having more children because I love you and it's what you wanted. Not that I wanted more." Something to that extent. What a d*mn kick in the gut. I cried afterward in our bedroom. This has been so hard on me. I've practically been a single parent to these two babies and now this?

I told him that I was sorry he wasn't happy. I was hoping he'd say that he's just adjusting to our new stressful-no-time-for-ourselves/money-life, but he didn't. I told him that maybe divorce was the only answer then. He didn't say anything.

What do I do now? Obviously I can't go back in time. Our reality is our reality now.

I feel literally sick. What have I done? I wouldn't give these beautiful babies back for the world, but it seems like I've lost my husband and love of my life in the process and I feel like I have no where to turn. I don't like feeling like a burden that I created.

I don't know what to do but feel sad and cry. BTW, he also has four DD's: 19, 16, 11, and 9.

On a good note, the babies had their two month pedi appt/shots last Monday (actually 9 1/2 wks old). Dylan was 10 lbs 6 oz and Aubrey was up to 8 lbs 6 oz! They are doing great!

Feeling lost.........

 

I am so sorry you are going through this; its horrible to feel like this when you have to wonderful babies at home. By the way, the picture of them is adorable! Let me ask you this, at 31 weeks when you are activity was limited, did your husband help you out then? I can't believe your husband said he went along with having more children because he loves you, not that he wanted more. That is absolutely horrible to say to someone. When you two first got married, I'm sure he knew it was your desire to have more kids. I understand the part of lack of sleep, money, intimacy, etc. it really is a shock to the system and hard to deal with in the beginning. Have you two talked about counseling? I think it would be helpful if you two were able to talk to someone about what you are both feeling. Maybe there are things he doesn't realize you are going through and maybe he can learn to deal with how he is feeling.

 

I hope things get better. It just strikes me that he's being really immature. At his age with 4 kids already he should have some understanding of how much work it takes. I suppose twins is even harder than singletons, but you can't just opt out.

And it certainly isn't your fault you had kids...you had to be in this together, so both of you share responsibility for that decision.

The good news is that it gets easier, just remind him that this is the hardest part.

 

:hug: I'm so sorry you are going through this! You need his love and support right now more than ever. I'm a little behind you and this is hard! I definitely agree with PP and think you should definitely try counseling. Your babies are adorable and their weights look great! I hope things get better soon. :hug:

 

Honestly it makes me wonder if he said the same to his ex wife when #2, #3 and #4 were born...

That being said, having newborn twins is HARD. We argued all the time until they started sleeping a bit better around 4 months... so maybe he'll come around once they are a bit older.

 

:hug:
Newborn twins is SOOO hard. And if he's like my DH, they don't really enjoy babies till they are older and can interact with them. Hang in there, and hopefully he will to. No one knows how hard twins are till they have them. It changes your whole life!

 

QUOTE(sullivanre @ Jan 26 2009, 12:33 PM) [snapback]1162121[/snapback]
I hope things get better. It just strikes me that he's being really immature. At his age with 4 kids already he should have some understanding of how much work it takes. I suppose twins is even harder than singletons, but you can't just opt out.

And it certainly isn't your fault you had kids...you had to be in this together, so both of you share responsibility for that decision.

The good news is that it gets easier, just remind him that this is the hardest part.



I agree with this. I would expect this reaction from a first time parent, not one who has been down this road a few times.

He needs to man up a little. Sounds like he has some buyers remorse - well tough luck buddy. You didn't make these babies on your own.

If he is still going to the gym then he is doing great. That's some me time my DH did not get in the first few weeks.

I would actually make him spend more time with the kids - go for groceries, etc. He is their Father & needs to act like a decent husband & Father. You & the babies deserve it.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. I wanted to share my experience in case it helps at all.

DH had a VERY hard time when the babies were newborns. And one of ours was very colicky. One night he told me that I had ruined his life and his professional career. And that he only agreed to have one more child because he was afraid I would leave him. Great. I too felt VERY alone.

We made it through the very dark days and DH told me he thinks he had post-partum depression. Clearly it's not hormonal for men... but the lack of sleep affects people differently, and DH had a really hard time with it. He also told me that he felt completely ineffectual with the babies.. couldn't soothe them, couldn't get them to sleep... so he was constantly feeling like a failure, even though he knew I needed help. And he just didn't know what to do. He also couldn't see past those days...so was feeling like his life was over, etc. Granted, I still find it all very immature and I'm still disappointed that he was like that. But he is MUCH better now. Once the babies could interact more, things changed dramatically for him. Also, once he admited his feelings, we could work together to help him feel more effective with the babies.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I too thought things were looking very bad for our marriage, but DH did change as the babies got older. It doesn't help at the moment, but I hope the same for you.

-maria
DS 4
DS2 DS3 5.5 months

 

Believe me there were plenty of times that I wanted to run away and hide for a few hours during the first 6 months. If I went to the gym, then had to come home to all the stress, that would be hard. But there is nothing you can do to change it. He cant go back and he needs to be in the trenches too.

:hug: Having newborn twins takes a toll on a ton of marriages. I know for us it did. We were barely sleeping let alone doing anything else. I would agree with the PP about trying to get some counseling or trying to get a sitter and get out and about by yourselves now and again.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this and I'm really shocked that your DH said that to you. How hurtful. I know in the beginning my DH was the exact opposite and was very helpful. But as the babies have gotten older, he is very hands off. He'd much rather be at work than at home. I feel it everyday and it's hard to deal with. All I ask for is a supportive person that will be a father to his children. We argue constantly and it's getting really old. But I do think that having twin infants is very difficult and things will get better. He will become more involved and want to be with you and the kids. I hope you have a better day today.

 

:hug: I am so sorry that you are going through this. You've gotten some wise advice on this thread, so I am probably echoing what's already been said. I agree with trying to go for some counseling and also trying to get a sitter so the two of you can get out more. It was a very hurtful thing that he said to you, if he did not want more children, he should have been honest about it up front. I don't know if that is how he really felt or if he is saying that because he did not realize how much work newborn twins are. I am thinking for good thoughts for you.

PS: I am glad that Dylan and Aubrey had a great appointment!

 

The early days are so hard - sleep deprivation, total life changes, hormones, shifts in household responsibilities and the list goes on. I'm sorry you and your DH are having trouble - and I'm sorry that he said something so hurtful. My guess is that it was said out of frustration, exhaustion, and maybe a bit of feeling "left out" from getting your attention now b/c you are so busy with your babies. That is the reality - DH's take a back seat when babies arrive (especially multiples!) - and that is the way it has to be. But I do think it is hard for some men to adjust to the changes. And, whether we like it or not, men's brains operate differently than our's - and I've heard some men say they even felt jealous of the newborns b/c their wife was so busy taking care of the baby that she didn't have time to do the things she once did for him (make his lunch, iron his clothes, etc.). Men (and women) like to be taken care of by their partners - when newborn twins arrive - all prior responsibilities tend to go out the window along with sleep - and it is an adjustment for everyone.

I'm sure as you are all getting more sleep, the babies become more interactive and more independent, etc. the days will slowly get easier. You can find each other and your relationship again in the coming months - it is still there, just buried beneath the chaos of twinfants!

Maybe see if you can get a sitter to come stay with the babies for just a few hours so you and your DH can get out of the house together and reconnect. It's hard - but things will get better even though it might not seem like it right now. I know in the first few months DH and I felt like we just working together to keep the kids and household running like it needed to be - and there was no time for us to be husband and wife, we didn't sit around and talk/laugh, we didn't go on dates, we didn't do anything but kid/baby/house stuff. And sometimes I'd think - are we still there, somewhere? And sure enough, as the fog lifted - we returned to "we" again. :hug:

 

10 wks old, that is such a hard age. My dh and I didn't get any time to ourselves until our twins started STTN at 10 months old! I really don't have any advice but I couldn't read and not respond. I hope in the end that he sees the love of these wonderful 2 babies and starts to enjoy them. :hug:

Edited: I just noticed that you are quite a bit younger then he is. Did you guys discuss kids prior to marriage? Does he feel you tricked him perhaps by saying you didn't want kids, then you married and then you did? Not saying you did this, just wondering if this is where his resentment is coming from.

 

:hug: I'm so sorry you're going through this. The first year with twins was terribly hard on our marriage. Having said that, though, your DH's response just really makes me mad. He needs to be a man and accept his responsibilites. My DH is one of the laziest people on the planet, but when it comes to our kids, he's right there with me. Since I was BFing, he always got up in the middle of the night and went to get them and bring them to me and he changed the diapers. Neither of us ever had any "me" time during the first year b/c we both understood how overwhelming it was to take care of two little ones alone. I really hope he sees the light and things get better for you.

ETA: I'm not trying to be mean by saying DH is lazy. He knows he is just like I know I can be kind of loud and pushy.

 

i hope if nothing else this thread has shown you that you're not the only one going through this. for me, it was a relief to see your post because DH and i have been going through some very dark times. i spent my walk from the train to the office rolling the word "divorce" around my head this morning. i'm fairly certain i've experienced PPD since delivery but DH thinks it's a made-up condition. just an excuse to act upset. he has offered zero support and has responded to my pleas for help with anger. i feel your pain because i'm going through it, too.

i don't have any advice, clearly. but hopefully you can act on some of the advice of PP and if nothing else i hope it's as comforting to you as it is to me to know that others have experienced marital tension after having twins. it doesn't fix things, but at least you know you're not alone.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. I do know how you feel-my dh didnt want me to take clomid and said I didnt need it-so when we got pregnant with twins and the going got tough it was always my fault we had twins and he never wanted this. He said this several times before I finally said if you say that one more time then I will walk out the door with our kids and you will never see us again. Can you imagine how that would make those babies feel when they get old enough to understand what he says and hear that he never wanted them-horrible.
We had a real tough first few months and it included counciling and medication and lots of fights and tears. We were tired and just not ready for the hard work it took.
Now things are fine-we still argue, but who doesnt-we work together and he loves his babies.
Your dh shouldnt have said that to you-it took two of your to make those babies-he was a willing participant and he needs to own up to that. He was probably tired and stressed but he really needs to choose a better way to vent that.
We are here for you...

 

I had tears in my eyes reading your post especially as I saw on your siggy that you suffered 4 years of infertility and had to go through IVF to have your babies (I did too).

My DH went through a hard time adjusting to the arrival of our B/G twins and there was a point when I wondered what was going to happen to our relationship as he just couldnt handle it (these are our first children). We had two colicky babies though not at the same time as DS took the first 6 weeks then DD took 8 weeks then they were both on and off! I dont know what would have happened if MIL hadnt come and helped us out so much. I really dont know whether I could have stood the sleep deprivation and coping with him at the same time as I got little help too. Looking back, I think I had some form of PPD and I felt so guilty after what we went through to have these 2.

I think you need to draft in some help, if you can afford to. If not, then can you ask family members if they could come and help you out so that you and DH can have some quality time together and talk? I know how hard it is with the babies being so young, but it is vital. Your babies need you to be happy and strong for them and you need your DH to be your backbone.

Please let me tell you that things will get better as they get older and your DH will enjoy the babies when he sees those changes. We had a rough time (I think every parent with twins does) and now it really is a joy to see them develop so fast.

I have to say too that Im surprised he is being like this seeing as he has gone through the process of having children previously and it is a mean thing to say he wanted babies just because he loves you. That´s a cop out as he knows the responsibility in bringing up a child, its not as if he hasnt done it before. He sounds like he needs a reality check. Is there anyone who could talk to him apart from you?

I wish you all the strength in the world. You are doing a great job with those 2 miracles and you will survive no matter what.

Please KUP & take care
:hug:

 

Everyone is giving really good advice, so there's not much to add.

But...why did he go through all the IVF stuff? I mean, that is a lot of work to get
a baby. We did it twice! I could see if he is just having a really hard time adjusting
if it was, say, a big surprise, whoa I'm pregnant...whoa it's twins. Still, it's not an excuse,
but some people deal with things VERY badly and then obviously come back to normal and
feel pretty stupid with the way they acted.
But, with him going through IVF and knowing the chance of twins...it just doesn't make sense.
He sounds like he's being pretty immature. He is going to REGRET not spending time with those babies.
I don't want to be too mean because you'll only naturally defend him. But, he needs to get a grip.

 

The first thing that comes to mind when reading your post is I TOTALLY understand what you mean by feeling physically sick. Puke sick. I am SOO sorry. I have not been in your situation but I can imagine. I really can. It was NOT fun around here for the first 4 months of our babies' lives either. DH and I fought a lot cuz we were TIRED and STRESSED and you guys are too. That part will get better. You will start to sleep more and stress a little less because you're not soooo beat.

The second thing is, did he go willingly onto the IVF journey or did you drag him kicking and screaming?? Honestly. If he said "No" and still did it cuz "this is what you wanted.." then I have two things to say to that.. 1. He is irresponsible. 2. You are irresponsible. I read somewhere and it may have been TS that "the NO always wins."

That is such a TRUE TRUE TRUE statement and words to live by for sure. Did he say 'no' beforehand or is this just conveniently coming up now???

Thirdly, all of that is irrelevant really because they aRE here and you're both going to be onboard from here on out. He doesn't get to come home late or blah blah blah.. He is their father he needs to come home after work and be an active participant and partner for you as well as the father those babies deserve. I mean, WHO gets to say stuff like that? Isn't it just husbands?? I don't get that. I wouldn't let myself be a doormat. How incredibly cold and selfish to say something like that once the 'bed is already made'?? I mean, YA, THINK IT ALL YOU WANT but MY GOD don't SAY IT!!! That was uncalled for. You guys worked hard TOGETHER to get those babies (I, too, did IVF) so you're in this for the long haul. I'd make sure he stepped it up come he** or high water FOR THE KIDS.

Finally, talking divorce at this point is not unheard of. I have NEVER been under more stress in my life than when these guys were the age that yours are now. My DH and I would come close to punching each other out and we have NEVER EVER been like that otherwise. It's TOUGH. I compared it (back then) to being in Vietnam!! (Silly to say that but that is what it felt like back then, which is where you are NOW!) You are not the only one who has gone through this. I think I may have brought up the "D" word out of sheer exhaustion back in those days.

I am willing to bet that you guys are going to be fine and as the pp's stated.. as they grow he will appreciate them sOOO much more. I am 'one of those' that really doesn't dig newborns AT ALL but once they became people, I really changed my tune. The same will happen for him.

In the meantime, try to enlist some help for YOU. Are you doing okay emotionally?? Do you need to see someone about post partum?? What about DH does he need meds?? Honestly. Explore all of these options. There are resources out there.

You sound like a strong, smart woman and you worked HARD for those babies. Congratulations. They are beautiful and you will get through this with your family in tact. I have a good feeling.

I'd try not to let him be gone any more than he already is. The more time he spends away.. the more time he'll spend away and vice versa.

Good luck and we are all here when you need us.

 

QUOTE(mama23boys @ Jan 26 2009, 06:20 AM) [snapback]1162228[/snapback]
Maybe see if you can get a sitter to come stay with the babies for just a few hours so you and your DH can get out of the house together and reconnect. It's hard - but things will get better even though it might not seem like it right now. I know in the first few months DH and I felt like we just working together to keep the kids and household running like it needed to be - and there was no time for us to be husband and wife, we didn't sit around and talk/laugh, we didn't go on dates, we didn't do anything but kid/baby/house stuff. And sometimes I'd think - are we still there, somewhere? And sure enough, as the fog lifted - we returned to "we" again. :hug:

Thats how it was for us also. It will get easier, and hopefully he will realize what a blessing those babies are. For us it got easier at about 12 weeks - hang in there!

 

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I went through very troublesome and stressful time with my DH while I was pregnant and posted about it in the expecting twins forum. Just know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I hope things will get better for you soon. I am so sorry that he is acting that way. I can relate, I feel as though since our babies were born we have forgotten about each other and have shifted into the MOMMY DADDY mode. Sleep is the new sex. Having two new babies is a huge adjustment and I agree with pp, your husband should be home more helping you out. When do us mothers get a break and have time to go workout?? I know I don't! I hate how husbands feel as though they are somehow entitled to more free time. Being a mother is hard and many lose themselves in that sense.

Since my DH works out of town there was a time when he would come home on the weekends and hated being home. He missed the quite alone time he had all week long. Now he loves being home and cried when he had to return to work.

Everyone has given great advice here. I hope everything works out for you. I am sorry you are having to deal with this right now. It is hard enough taking care of two newborns.

 

Hi sweetie,
I'm so glad to hear your babies are doing so well! Good job, Momma!

You've already had a lot of great feedback from pp's. My DH and I had a horrible time during the newborn stage. We were so sleep deprived and overwhelmed. I had been really sick the last trimester, so we already started in a bad place. We both ended up depressed. My DH was first. I told him he had to get help, and I couldn't take it anymore. He was technically helpful, but was miserable and negative the whole time. He was sucking the life out of me. I started to get PPD. I went on meds. We went to some marital counseling, and he is still in individual counseling. We are both doing so much better now. I really wondered if we would end up getting a divorce based on how miserable we were at the beginning. I figured I'd be a single mom to twins within a year or so. My DH used to escape by going to work. He just told me this weekend "I'd rather be here having fun with the babies than at work." Wow--huge change. Anyway, hang in there. I hope your DH can get on board and be more supportive. It's not fair to you to carry such a huge burden by yourself. Hugs, Beth

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this. My dh and I had a lot of arguments when the babies were small. We were both so tired and money was and still is really tight. I didn't think we were going to make it through. Money is still a huge problem but we are getting more sleep so we are more rational. I hope as the babies sleep more things get better for you two. Counseling may be a good idea so that all of your feelings can be sorted out. GL :hug:.

 

I have no advice, but I want to send you a great big (((HUG))). I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you can get through it with time and some effort on both your parts. I wish he had not said such things and I would like to think in his own mind it makes sense or did not sound as bad as it did.

I will pray for your family. On the up side you are so blessed with these beautiful babies who are healthy and thriving. May God continue to bless you!

Nicole

 

Thank you all for your thoughts, comments, and support. DH and I went out to dinner last week while my parents watched the babies.

Among other things, what is done is done (babies). That if he truly didn't want children, then he should've said something. But that is now in the past and our babies are here and I/we need him and his love/support. He is having a hard time starting over at 40 (just turned 40 and not happy about that) after all these years with time w/o children. I told him that I agreed.....it has been an adjustment for me as well. He is not a fan of the infant stage (like most men I think) and it will be better now that the babies are smiling, etc.


I've also reminded him that we have had a lot more adult time than most new parents of newborns (much less twins). My parents have watched the babies numerous times so I/we could sleep or so we could go out to dinner/movie baby-free. They even took the babies overnight a few weeks ago. DH and I went out to dinner, enjoyed quiet time together at home, and I got 10 hours of blissful uninteruppted sleep in my bed (not in the nursery)!


Angie7, TTC/babies wasn't sprung on him. He's known from the beginning of our relationship, almost eight years ago, that I wanted to have a child/ren and be a mother. And that it could take some work (and money) to make that happen.

I'm going to see if he'll go to my therapist with me (he's went before). She is great! She has helped me immensely over the years. Oh, and I am on an antidepressant thankfully!

Overall, I think he's just soooooo overwhelmed with the changes, financial issues, etc. It doesn't make what he said to me okay, but at least we're talking and moving forward.

He has been A LOT better since our talk. I am so glad he is open with me. We'll get through it. I just remind both of us that we're in survival mode right now. I know he loves his babies and is so sweet and good with them.

I have joined the local MoM's group. I look forward to chatting with them too.

Thanks again everyone!!

 

Im so sorry!! DH and i didnt get along so good for the first 6 months or so. I hope it gets better :hug: :hug:

 

I'm glad you posted an update! We had some horrible fights too the first 5 months. Said some awful things to each other...and ended up getting pregnant during a make-up session...umm talk about adding more pressure. Anyways, I just wanna say that our boys are 8 months old and it feels like things are back to normal with us anyways. Obviously there are changes in the day to day stuff, but at least we aren't fighting about every little thing. Hang in there. And please share these stories with your DH if you think he'll benefit from hearing about other DH's and their experiences with newborn twins.

 

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I know exactly what you are going through. My DH said horrible things during those first 4 months. We had a very colicky DD along with her twin. It was HELL! No other way to describe it. Luckily we'd had 2 singletons together so I knew that the early months are hard and we bicker but then get stronger as a couple when they are older. There were times with my boys that I had my bags packed, a lawyer on speed dial but we worked it out and I am so glad we did.

When the twins were little I had to be a duck and let his venting roll right off my back. He'd come in with the colicky baby, practically toss her at me and say he hated her. I knew he didn't but the stress of everything was getting to him. He'd also say he hadn't wanted more kids, that I'd ruined his life etc. etc. All "stress of the moment" things he wishes he could take back now. He told me he'd lie awake planning his escape. He wanted to get in his truck and run away. Only guilt kept him from trying.

I felt like I had to bite my tongue clear off some days. Like I wasn't suffering too? Like I'd had any idea how hard twins would be????? Sheesh. But I kept quiet (most of the time) and just kept surviving day to day til it got easier. And it did get easier. You will survive!

One thing that helped was to give in to his sexual advances once in awhile. I swear it was the very last thing I felt like doing but it was such a stress relief for him. He was instantly a better, more patient father and helper. It was worth the effort. HTH

 

DH and I actually seperated for about 2 months after both babies were home from the hospital and settled. Twins are so much more damaging on a marriage than most people realize until they have been there. We are back together now and go to counseling 2x a month and we make a date night once a month. I defin. suggest seeing a counselor or clergy person for marriage counseling. Everyone else has give good advise. :hug:

 

I think babies in general and especially twins are very hard on all relationships. It goes from being all about eachother to all about the babies. And each person has their opinion about what is best for the babies, and protects those ideas and fights for those ideas feriously... plus the sleep deprivation, plus the resentments of getting on eachothers pet peeves (i.e. leaving packaging around the house and loose bits for me, me spilling stuff and not noticing it for him, etc.)

On top of it all, I think we often treat our S/Os as roommates and not lovers and spouses. I think this is a big part of the problem.

How do we do this with all this going on, and having to work, and..? I don't know. we're still trying to figure it out.

My husband was wonderful enough to tell me how I had been treating him since the babies came home so now I am aware. I treat him like he doesn't know what he's doing and only I do, and I don't listen to him or pay attention to him, and tend to discount what he says. This makes him unhappy. He isn't happy being at home.

Of course it isn't good to hear, but it's true and I'm glad he told me. i need to work on this stuff though i'm not sure quite how through all the frazzle.

Despite all the difficulty, I think we have to make the time and effort to focus on our S/os throu this time. They are the most important part of keeping the family together.

It sounds like yours has been keeping it in (as mine has) and just broke. I am lucky mine was able to tell me in a rational, calm, matter of fact matter. I think what this means is... take a little time each day to let him know he is important and listen to him, etc. work on treating him as you did before the babies. I'ts hard and god I don't know how I'm goign to do it myself, but as women we DO kinda expect them to be wonderful, supportive, and what they were before... while we let ourselves discount them to take care of everything else...

 

Glad you updated! It is REALLY hard w/ newborn twins. I had no idea how stressful it would be on marriage. I do think he is lucky to have so much time for himself! And that's great you have tons of help. We have none and work opposite schedules. It will get better! There will always be challenges, but the newborn stage is definitely the hardest (so far). Hang in there!

 

QUOTE(December Miracle @ Feb 3 2009, 03:44 PM) [snapback]1174990[/snapback]
I'm going to see if he'll go to my therapist with me (he's went before). She is great! She has helped me immensely over the years. Oh, and I am on an antidepressant thankfully!

That's great!

I hope he will go to see your therapist.

So sorry you are giong through this.