Am I doing something wrong?

I am a new mom of twins. My girls are 3 1/2 weeks old. I am breastfeeding exclusively. I am currently a SAHM and my husband works F/T. I know having twins is twice the work of having one baby, but sometimes I feel like I am screwing up royally. If I stay at home with them they fuss and cry to be held/go for a walk (the things that calm them), so...we go out to the mall or out for a walk and then I must feed them one at a time (too difficult to feed tandem in public/car) and one screams her head off while the other gets fed first. I can't stand to hear them screaming like they do - like they are being killed...it's horrible
I literally sit there nursing one while tears are streaming down my face b/c the other one is crying. Even if I pick the other up and try to comfort her on my lap..still screams. I've tried getting them on different schedules so they don't get hungry together and they have a different plan, always go back to same-time hunger.
Even when they are both fed and nothing is wrong - they still have fussy-time and that breaks my heart too. Nothing consoles them and it escalates even more b/c they get eachother more upset. They just started that - ones cries affects the other one. We are good at comforting them all of the time except "fussy-time."
*sigh*
Is this normal? Am I doing something wrong? I feel like the worse mother alive b/c my baby has to lie there screaming her head off while I ignore her I'm worried I'm messing up the attachment thing big-time too. ugh....
help?

- Laura

 

QUOTE(TwoPeaedPod @ Aug 23 2007, 03:11 AM) [snapback]376223[/snapback]
I am a new mom of twins. My girls are 3 1/2 weeks old. I am breastfeeding exclusively. I am currently a SAHM and my husband works F/T. I know having twins is twice the work of having one baby, but sometimes I feel like I am screwing up royally. If I stay at home with them they fuss and cry to be held/go for a walk (the things that calm them), so...we go out to the mall or out for a walk and then I must feed them one at a time (too difficult to feed tandem in public/car) and one screams her head off while the other gets fed first. I can't stand to hear them screaming like they do - like they are being killed...it's horrible
I literally sit there nursing one while tears are streaming down my face b/c the other one is crying. Even if I pick the other up and try to comfort her on my lap..still screams. I've tried getting them on different schedules so they don't get hungry together and they have a different plan, always go back to same-time hunger.
Even when they are both fed and nothing is wrong - they still have fussy-time and that breaks my heart too. Nothing consoles them and it escalates even more b/c they get eachother more upset. They just started that - ones cries affects the other one. We are good at comforting them all of the time except "fussy-time."
*sigh*
Is this normal? Am I doing something wrong? I feel like the worse mother alive b/c my baby has to lie there screaming her head off while I ignore her I'm worried I'm messing up the attachment thing big-time too. ugh....
help?

- Laura

I am so sorry to hear you are going through all of this. i know what you are going through. It is hard but you can make it through it. I bottle feed so It is eaiser for me to feed them at the same time. You will find what works for you. My girls got their fussy time at 10 at night. for some reason right around 10 they just started crying for no reason. I guess the babies have their own plan on what they are going to do. I am sorry I am not much help to you. I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one going through this

 

WOW...it's like I just read my own thoughts--I too have felt this EXACT same way lately. My B/G twins will be 8 weeks this coming Friday...and at times (more often than not) I feel like a complete failure. Especially when they both want to be held/fed/burped/comforted, etc., and I've only got one set of arms. I just get choked up when one is wailing and getting worked in to a frenzy, looking at me like 'aren't you going to pick me up', while I take care of the other. I worry myself sick that the bonding thing will fail because somehow they'll subconsciously remember that Mommy didn't pick them up every time they wanted...UGH. I am bottle-feeding because I was unable to nurse :-( so I prop them both up on a pillow at the end of the couch and feed them that way, but then the vicious circle continues because they'd rather be held when I feed them, then usually one or both inevitably spits up because they didn't get burped in time... oy. I just ordered a couple of Podee bottles - a girlfriend of mine swears by them...anyway, I'm rambling, just wanted you to know you are not alone with your feelings of inadequacy!!!

 

First of all, a HUGE hug to you - you are doing a great job breastfeeding both of them. I can't believe you find the energy to go out, I stayed at home for weeks in the early days! I hesitate to ask, because my experience with pumping was not all that great (I produced much too much milk and made it worse by pumping too), but that way you could have a friend/DH/helper feed one while you feed the other and they are both still getting breastmilk. I had a lot of trouble trying to tandem feed them, never really got good at it, so mine had to take turns too - but someone was usually around to bottle feed one, while I breastfed the other. I think you are far enough along that nipple confusion shouldn't be an issue.

I totally understand if you don't want to deal with the hassle of bottles, though. If you are planning to keep bf-ing exclusively, it would be easier to avoid the bottle cleaning etc. Have you posted over in the breastfeeding forum? The ladies there are awesome and have lots of great suggestions, I think that might help you.

By the 3 month mark I was able to feed them both at the same time with bottles in their carseats/bouncers, but it was tough before then.
Just know that you are in the hardest weeks right now.
Keep chanting to yourself: "if they are crying, you know they are breathing."
I cried a lot the first weeks myself. It is hard. Your hormones are crazy. It is HARD work! You are being a GREAT mom. It gets easier, or none of us would be around to tell the tale! Hang in there.

Oh - by about 5 weeks, swings were a life-saver for me. The swing kept one happy while I was meeting the needs of the other.

 

Congratulations on your twins!

First of all, you are being a GREAT MOM! I know it doesn't feel that way, but the fact that you're worried about it says taht your are. The commitment to BF twins is an incredible one. Taking care of TWO infants is a heroic job.

You are in an incredibly difficult stage, compounded by the fact as a pp said, that your hormones are driving the boat right now, you aren't. So try to keep that in perspective - easier said than done.


A couple of thoughts: first of all i can't believe you're getting out with them; i think i didn't leave the nursery/house literally for a couple of months. You might want to reconsider that if it's so stressful'; the last thing you need is more stress.

Second: reach out for WHATEVER help you can get - do you belong to a church/synagogue/reading group, something? I found that one of the biggest lessons of becoming a mom (my girls are my first children) was learning not only how to accept help, but ot ask for it.

If you are home alone during the days (and exhausted from nursing all night long too), it is INCREDIBLY stressful and lonely, so perhaps you can get some visitors, who will also be an extra set of hands.

Am i undersatnding that you are able to tandem nurse at home? I was not able to more than a handful of times; one of my girls is not a good latcher, so i pumped, and still am pumping, for her. The advantage, as a pp said is that you CAN bottle feed one while nursing the other -it's not easy, but i did/do it with one in a bouncy seat and the other at the breast. I use the My Brest Friend nursing pillow, which i personally find much better than the boppy, as it has a flat surface.

That said, i do wish that i didnt' have to pump - in fact, the only reason i'm awake at 3 am is because i am pumping! So, it's not ideal, but it is a solution.

I found that when mine were as small as yours going out was impossible because of the feeding issue - it's still a problem, as we often just get somewhere and they are ready to eat again. But i made it easier by a) asking for my friends and others in my community to visit when possible (bringing MEALS, because nursing mommies MUST eat and drink a ton - make sure you do, because dehydration and low blood sugar will contribute to your feeling badly. For the first six or eight weeks i wasn't eating nearly enough and although i fit into my clothes pretty quickly, i felt like cr-p all the time!)); and B) remembering that my girls will only be this small for a few months, and even though the days may feel like eternity, they weeks/months will go by very quickly.

I promise you that although you cannot conceive of it right now, in a short time you will be looking back and remembering when they were so small and wondering where the time went. But the first weeks/months are ROUGH, no way around it.

YOU ARE NOT SCREWING UP THE BONDING THING!!!!! They won't remember that you didnt' pick them up each time they cried; babies are programmed to do that and scream like bloody murder. The way i knew that i was a more experienced mom is when i heard them cry and didn't have an instant heart attack- i don't let them scream, but if one cries for a little while i know she will be fine. Sometimes these days i can even laugh at it - since i know that they ate just three hours earlier.

Depending on where you are on the pacifier issue, they can be your friend. My girls were in the NICU and they got pacis and my personal feeling was that anything that would soothe my little preemies who were outside of me and separate from each other was just fine. So if you can put one in a bouncy and give her/him a paci and sing gently while you feed the other.

In terms of getting out with them, perhaps there is someplace closer by that you can walk, so you don' tget stuck with the feeding timing issue? Again, it took - and still takes - a lot to get out of the house with them. I used to joke with my Dh about the nursery being my prison.

Last, just a thought; at that age my girls were eating every two hours, and since they didnt' tandem feed it was an endless cycle. In order to avoid the screaming, if you can begin feeding one a little earlier than they are 'due' (e.g., at 1 hour 45 minutes if they usually eat every 2 hours); that way you will be finished by the time the second one is really hungry. I found that if it got to that stage where they were screaming it ws very hard to calm them down.

Definitely check out the breast feeding forum - it has been a sanity-saver for me.

And remember; you're doing great. This is an insanely difficult job, and nobody who hasn't done it can possibly understand. Feel free to pm me if you like.

 

QUOTE
A couple of thoughts: first of all i can't believe you're getting out with them; i think i didn't leave the nursery/house literally for a couple of months. You might want to reconsider that if it's so stressful'; the last thing you need is more stress.


I have to agree with this. I didn't even attempt the mall until they were a few months old. If we went for a walk it was always just around the neighborhood, someplace where I could get home quickly to feed them where it was easiest. It's good for them to get out, but if you're sitting there in tears while the other screams how much is it really helping at this point? There will be lots of time later to go LOTS of places, it gets MUCH easier to get out in a few months.
The beginning is SO hard, I remember feeling exactly the way you are. I didn't make it past the first month nursing them, so you're already doing better than I was!! Like others said, see if you can find someone to help, even just to sit with them while they sleep so you can catch a little break.
The swings also helped me alot around that time. My DD was such a screamer and the swing calmed her the same way a walk would (it was winter and very hard to get out most days) Good luck, remember that you're doing a great job and it really does take time to settle into a routine with twins. You WILL get there. it just takes a little more time than it does with a singleton.

 

QUOTE(Jordari @ Aug 23 2007, 06:17 AM) [snapback]376330[/snapback]
A couple of thoughts: first of all i can't believe you're getting out with them; i think i didn't leave the nursery/house literally for a couple of months. You might want to reconsider that if it's so stressful'; the last thing you need is more stress.


I agree with this. I exclusively breastfed as well and we literally did not leave the house for 6 weeks except for dr.'s appts and quick walks. We still dont' leave very often to tell you the truth.

If the babies love the stroller, try a walking around the block or even inside the house if there is some room.

You are doing the best you can, DO NOT worry about the bonding thing. You are doing a great job. The babies are just in a really tough stage right now and you are doing what you can.

hang in there!

Oh, and I gave in and ended up having DH give a bottle of EBM when he was home. It gave me some free time to just concentrate on one at a time.

 

Dear Laura,

You are doing GREAT. YOU ARE A TERRIFIC MOM! The first weeks are so incredibly hard, but you're doing it. And even breastfeeding! It is so wonderful that your BFing - the best gift you can give your little girls right now.

One "rule" that got me through the early weeks: you can please some people some of the time, but you can't please everyone all the time. Babies fuss and cry, and when you have two and both are upset, you just do your best. The crying doesn't mean you're a bad mom, it just means that babies are babies. There's two of them and one of you, them's the breaks. It won't scar them for life. I've known lots of happy grown-up twins, and I'm sure their moms had to let one or the other cry sometimes.

Another great "rule," from a poster at the clinic I went to for PPD: "Your job is not to stop the crying. Your job is to cope with the crying."

(In other words, you do your best to calm the baby down, but if nothing works, it is not your fault. Babies are just fussy and irritable sometimes. Think of the huge adjustment they're making from the womb to the world! It's stressful. If you can't stop them from crying, just think of it as letting them cry on your shoulder and tell you all their problems. Just giving them your warm arms is enough.)

More practical stuff: are they pretty regular about how often they get hungry? If you know they'll be hungry in 2 hrs, maybe you can take short walks with them and be home in time to tandem nurse?

And like PPs said, try to find help. Hire help if necessary. Doesn't have to be a huge expensive deal like a nanny - even hiring a teen as a mother's helper for a few hours a day would probably go a long way toward saving your sanity. Just having another pair of hands to hold one baby while you're taking care of the other is great.

I know it doesn't help much now, but things do get a LOT easier. As your babies get older, they'll nap better, go a little longer between feedings, cry a lot less, and start doing fun stuff like smiling and giggling... The first weeks can be pure ****, but they won't last forever.

Big big hugs to you. :hug99: Please feel free to pm me anytime. I hope you feel better soon. And remember, you are doing a great job! If everyone is clean and fed and in one piece at the end of the day, you're doing great!

 

You are not doing anything wrong. Babies have fussy time and YES, it is hard to nurse them both in public! My suggestion there would be to anticipate when they are going to be hungry and feed one and then feed the other before they tell you that they are hungry. You've gotten a lot of good advice already! Please visit us in the breastfeeding forum if you need any support or advice! We have a bunch of ladies there who are there for you! I see a few of them found you here!
Don't worry about the bonding, they will bond to you. Take care of yourself! YOu need a break too! Even if it is when your partner comes home and you step out of the house for 5 minutes! Take it!

 

Big hugs! I literally could have written your post word for word...and I know it doesn't help right now, but it does get better!!

There were many nights DH would come home from work and find me on the couch, two crying babies and tears streaming down my face....now however he usually comes home from work and the house is a wreck, but I'm on the floor happily playing with babies :wub:

We're still bfing at our house and have yet to figure out how to tandem feed in public! (I almost exclusely tandem at home) I've done what has been suggested and either feed before going out and try to get back before feeding time or...try to anticipate and feed a little earlier and jiggle the stroller of one while feeding the other.

Oh, and 4 weeks is about when we introduced the paci at our house. I'd been pretty anti-paci before that but couldn't take it any more... :blush: They did take to it pretty well, and it, swings, vibrating bouncies and swaddling were our life savers. My main inclination to not use the pacifier was because I was afraid that it'd jeopardize the breastfeeding. No worries at our house! If they didn't want it, and wanted me instead....it was amazing how far they could spit that thing out! And now they don't use one at all, they found their thumbs and that was the end of the pacis.

Hang in there, there were a lot (most of them tell truth!) of days where I felt like I wasn't doing anything right at that age...babies, husband, myself anything!...but things are much better now. You'll find your rhythm and get to know your babies.

 

You've gotten awesome advice from everyone. I just wanted to add that we've all felt that way. I EBF as well, and for the first two months it was literally all I did! Only now at 4 months are we going 3 hours between feedings. I finally feel like I can run an errand or two without having to worry about having to feed them while out. You are doing great. Honestly, for me--8 weeks was a turning point and it just gets better and better. Hold on!

Reyna

 

You are doing a great job and the pps have given some great advice.

I have said over and over, there is two of them and one of me....someone is always going to have to wait. Yes, sometimes there is crying during the waiting, but I know it's just her trying to tell me she's still there. When they both cry at once, DH sometimes comes down from his home office to see what the commotion is about...I just laugh and tell him there is a mutiny in progress! I am confident as they grow they will understand that Mommy is doing the best she can and they will adjust. Maybe my girls will be better "waiters" as they get older and have more patience with others because they were raised that way.

As for the feeding....it wasn't until the girls were about 10 weeks did I attempt to feed them in public while out alone - and I bottle feed! So definitely don't be too hard on yourself about that, especially with the breast feeding. Also, be on the lookout at your local malls and restaurants for Family Lounges. They just put two new ones at my mall that have nice cubicles with curtains for BF moms. Even my Babies R Us has a Mother's Room for feeding and changing.

I think it sounds like you are doing great!

 

Thank you, SO MUCH, everyone! This is really some great advice, but the most soothing part is to know that I am not alone! It has been a HUGE help in itself to know that most (if not all) moms of twins have felt this way. Thank you so much!
I will definitely try the idea of bringing some pumped milk in a bottle in case I get stuck with two criers or anticipate hunger and start one earlier - I like both these ideas. I agree I should try to walk more around the neighborhood, guess I just hate getting out the snap n go for that - gotta get another, more simple and lightweight double stroller. Am looking at the Combi Twin.

Thanks again, everyone...we will survive!!!

p.s. Had a great day today Found the patience and love to deal with the hard parts came more easily - I kept thinking of you ladies and felt supported.

 

I just read your post and felt like I was reading my posts from a month ago - my twins are 7 wks old I have 2 older children and still could not handle hearing a baby cry as I was taking care of the other one. It is still hard for me but it is getting easier.

Accepting help from others has been my biggest help. Also, I hired a neighborhood girl as a mommy's helper and that has been a life saver with the older girls - it doesn't make me feel as guilty since they can do fun thing s with her and I get some time with the babies.

you will get through it - each week gets better and soon all of this will just be a memory. Take care!!!!

 

QUOTE(TwoPeaedPod @ Aug 22 2007, 09:11 PM) [snapback]376223[/snapback]
I am a new mom of twins. My girls are 3 1/2 weeks old. I am breastfeeding exclusively. I am currently a SAHM and my husband works F/T. I know having twins is twice the work of having one baby, but sometimes I feel like I am screwing up royally. If I stay at home with them they fuss and cry to be held/go for a walk (the things that calm them), so...we go out to the mall or out for a walk and then I must feed them one at a time (too difficult to feed tandem in public/car) and one screams her head off while the other gets fed first. I can't stand to hear them screaming like they do - like they are being killed...it's horrible
I literally sit there nursing one while tears are streaming down my face b/c the other one is crying. Even if I pick the other up and try to comfort her on my lap..still screams. I've tried getting them on different schedules so they don't get hungry together and they have a different plan, always go back to same-time hunger.
Even when they are both fed and nothing is wrong - they still have fussy-time and that breaks my heart too. Nothing consoles them and it escalates even more b/c they get eachother more upset. They just started that - ones cries affects the other one. We are good at comforting them all of the time except "fussy-time."
*sigh*
Is this normal? Am I doing something wrong?

No sweetie, you aren't! There is only one of you and 2 of them, you can only do so much at any given moment in time.

QUOTE
I feel like the worse mother alive b/c my baby has to lie there screaming her head off while I ignore her I'm worried I'm messing up the attachment thing big-time too. ugh....
help?

- Laura

You are not messing up "the attachment thing", that takes place over many months. Trust me, my babies cried constantly for 4 months (it seemed to me, they were probably happy 98% of the time but it seemed worse) and we are as attached and bonded as can be!

Don't be too hard on yourself. Being a mother is tough enough without feeling guilty about every little thing. :hug99:

 

First - having twins is four times harder than having one!!!!!

Next - you are not a failure! You are doing a great job with the girls and keep up the good work.

Yes - the crying is normal. Especially at this stage (and it usually gets worse until they are around eight weeks). It will get better! The first 6-8 weeks IS THE HARDEST! I can't tell you how many times that nursing scenario occured in our home. It gets better.

:hug99: :hug99: :hug99: :hug99: :hug99: :hug99: :hug99:

All parents - first time or not - have moments where they feel like they are not enough. Add in the fact that you have two babies that are four times the work as one and that just adds to it!!!!

THINGS WILL GET BETTER! THIS IS THE HARDEST PART! Once they start noticing more around them they become more content!

Angel

 

God Bless you for breastfeeding. I couldn't produce enough and have always felt a little guilty. I wish I could give you some advice, but just want to give you encouragement that you will get it, it just takes time. :bow2: